ILONA ANDREWS

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author

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Comments

  1. Heh.
    “Why can’t I open the door?”
    “Because you’re pulling the door and you have to push the door.”
    “I knew that. I was just testing you.”

    • My brother has a funny story about doors.
      He came home to his apartment late at night and was very tired. He was holding his car keys in his hand. As he came to his apartment door he held his car keys out and clicked the button. Nothing happened. Confused, he looked down at his keys.
      “Oh, of course.”, he thought. “I was pressing the Lock button.”

      • ha ha ha ha that was a brilliant story! What happened when he pressed unlock?
        ha ha ha ha

        I’ve gotten off at the wrong floor at work a few times, walked to my office and wondered if I got fired coz someone else stuff was in there. Took me a few minutes to realize my badge still worked to scan me into the building ……..

        I guess if you squint, the lighter could look like a usb. 😉

        • My previous car had keyless ignition, the better half’s was standard. The amount of times I had his keys in one hand but still put my finger to his key ignition and pressed is criminal, given I used to work as an instrumentation engineer and apparently have a brain ????

    • I point at the pillow, telling my poor, mightily confused husband, “Close the pillow and fluff the windows.” This was the first warning that I was indeed experiencing this odd brain scramble that we call Fibro-fog but also had me trying to get a coworker to hand me the blue book next to her but required 5 minutes of descriptions because I couldn’t get my mouth to say, “book” after going to library college. It was also why I didn’t fight being fired for a health condition because it was breaking my heart. I was 32. But there’s more funny then sad if you just knew all the descriptive words that I censor on purpose. 😉

  2. At least you realized that it was the lighter and didn’t have Gordon point it out to you ????. Good Luck with the USB drives. Hope you have a calm weekend. We are celebrating our middle child’s birthday tomorrow by smoking some ribs! Yea! Makes it a little easier to swallow that he is going to be 23.

  5. That reminds me:
    “What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? – One of them is very heavy and the other one is a little lighter.”

  7. Me: (talking to my daughter on my cell phone) Where is my %$#* phone, have you seen it?
    Daughter: You are literally talking to me on it
    Me: Oh…I knew that.

    • I’ve done thine. But the best was that my sister-in-law was the one I was talking to, and she asked me where the last place I saw it at! 🙂

      • OMG! I think you win, too. Now your sister in law could squirm out of the contest by claiming she thought you were on a landline. They do still exist! Somewhere. At least my cable company keeps trying to sell one to me. ????

    • My favorite is looking EVERYWHERE for my glasses. Without which I couldn’t see enough took.

      (Hint, they were on my nose)

    • The first Lizzo song I introduced my mom to was, “Phone” – if you don’t know it, Google the lyrics, an make sure you read to the end.

    • I’ve opened the tile app on my phone to look for my phone which is somewhat less obvious to others.

      • Another reason to move to Florida – there is no State tax! You can also homestead your house for a up to a certain amount and save that way too. Hope you have a relaxing and refreshing weekend! CJ in Jax

    • Where we live, business or farm entities are required to send tax documents to people that they’ve paid by the end of January, so most tax preparers require the information be supplied to them by January 15th. It usually involves quite a bit of paperwork that’s needs to be completed.

    • And Quarterly state taxes for small businesses are due Jan 21. There are many tax dates depending on where you are and why you are filing(personal, business and what you sell, corporate, state or federal). Sometimes I miss only having simple, federal taxes to do. ????

  10. I can sooooo relate. Hang in there. It will get better. If it does not, strangle the hell out of it until it decides to behave or gets better on its own.

    As I am 4 weeks out from major surgery and got a great no cancer diagnosis, I can honestly say this method works pretty well.

    Cheers!!!!

  11. Good luck with the deadline/tax ????
    My brain seems to conspire to make me drop things today that shouldn’t be dropped……

  12. Yesterday morning…
    ME: where is my towel? I can’t have lost a giant orange towel…
    stomping around … then realizing, oh, it’s on my head with my hair twisted in it.

    Good luck with taxes and everything. Thanks again for fun Roman snippet! That was great….

  13. Me: Walking into the bathroom with a new roll of paper towels, and then staring at the empty toilet paper holder today

  14. “Where are my glasses? ” I say looking all over my desk. A coworker comes in and laughs telling me to check my hand. Sure enough, there they were. I do that with keys too. It is getting worse as I am in my 60s.

    • My problem is whatever is in my hand gets set down somewhere as I move along and is often difficult to find thereafter. Fortunately the phone can be pinged by the iPad and vice versa. But I may have to break down and get a Tile to find the keys and MP3 player so I can get out the door in the morning!

      • We love our Tile if it helps at all. Makes getting out the door so much easier. We should just keep organised, but after years of trying that we gave in and settled for making our disorganisation easier.

  15. I got super glue on my teeth last night. Well, first on my thumb, but then I stuck my thumb in my mouth and now it’s on my teeth. Unrelated, I’m not allowed to use super glue any more.

    • Heh, yeah, super-glued my thumb & forefinger together really well one time! Was part of my job–gluing little pins into little holes and normally I was fast enough that if I made a mistake I could still get my fingers apart. Guess that accelerant was especially good that day! Anyway, acetone (or nail polish remover) will help dissolve it enough to get your fingers apart…..

  16. Talking on the phone with my friend, getting ready to leave my house for something (almost 100% chance of it being something about/for my kids). Started having a panic attack because I couldn’t find my phone. I tell my friend “I can’t find my phone and I can’t go without my phone” she told me to look at both my hands. Yeah, one of those days.

  17. We are not leaving here until I find my damn glasses!
    Which turned out to be, unsurprisingly, on top of my head.

    If I had written it I would delete it for being too cliche.

    Also, taxes blech.

  18. I pay my taxes online. So I paid last year’s taxes and forgot about it. Got some calls which I didn’t answer, because of all the scam phone calls claiming to be from the
    CRA. Anyway, I got this letter saying I owed a ton of money and that I never paid my taxes. I called them and they had the money, but they didn’t allocate it. What the hell? I told them that that money was my 2018 tax payment. She asked me if I wanted to have them allocate that money. Well – ya. Jeez

      • Usually means they cashed the cheque, and it’s sitting as a credit toward future taxes, instead of them allocating it to the taxes you already owe.

        CRA does that a LOT

        I worked for them a LONG time ago 😀

  19. Awww, taxes. Sigh. My husband had his own contracting company. For years, his accountant was doing the company taxes wrong, as in NOT filing a corporate tax return. We were blissfully ignorant about it, until his accountant passed away and hubby took all his paperwork to a new accountant, who promptly pointed out the problem. For over a year now, we’ve been waiting for the CRA to tell us how much he owes. A classic example of “You don’t know what you don’t know.” Who knew you couldn’t trust an accountant to file taxes correctly? In your defense, the ligher does resemble a memory key.

  20. And then there is the universal favorite:
    Me: I have three pairs of reading glasses. How come I can’t find any of them?
    Fellow teacher: Well, two of them are on the top of your head.
    You gotta laugh!

  22. Me (frantic): Where are my glasses?
    Young Son: On you!
    Me (patting the top of my head where I often keep my glasses): No they aren’t!
    Young Son: Your face!
    Me (after staring at him for nearly 30 seconds): Oh.

    Yes, I was looking through them.

    • I feel your pain. Although I rarely lose my glasses (or keys), it is my Kindle I keep misplacing…. the wail, ‘Where’s my Kindle?’ is heard most days…sometimes several times a day…

      That said, it is not unheard of for me to get in the shower and realise I have left my (now soapy-shampooed) glasses on. That is annoying.

  23. Me: “He needs to wear the thing before he can go.”
    Husband: “What thing?”
    Me: “You know thing. The head cover.”
    Husband, incredulous : “His… Hat?”

    ????????‍♀️

  24. As a tax accountant, I thank you for working on it so early. You wouldn’t believe how many people wait until July or later.
    Good luck on all the things!

  25. There have been moments I put knife or some other cutlery in the fridge. Or bread. Once even teakettle almost went in there.
    It happens.

  26. How about this…driving down the road in my truck and going, wait, where are my truck keys… ummmm maybe I shouldn’t be driving…

  27. 3 days of checking over my spreadsheet and making sure all the numbers transfered to the summary page. Then I enter all the numbers into TurboTax. Then I check everything against last year to make sure I didn’t screw something up badly. Then I print the dumb thing to make sure I’m not missing anything ( or sending the government a empty form TurboTax thinks I should need because I sent it 10 years ago).

    Now I’m waiting for the government to catch up with me… (Forms still not finalized)
    Some day maybe I’ll be organized enough (and make enough money) to hire an accountant. As it is I ask my friend questions when I need a CPA opinion.

  28. I was making breakfast and getting a casserole out of the freezer to defrost for dinner and ended up taking the tinfoil off the casserole, wrapping the blender which was still full of my breakfast smoothie in the tinfoil and putting it in the freezer. Couldn’t find the blender, couldn’t find my smoothie, couldn’t find the tinfoil to rewrap the casserole cause I took the wrong one out. Took another hour to find my keys which also got into the freezer… But didn’t find the foil/smoothie/blender until 2days later when wondering what this wicked strange shaped casserole was! O_O

  29. As a tax accountant I’m very impressed that you’re getting your stuff together so early! If only all MY clients were as on the ball!

  30. So…taxes. My corporation pays a certain city tax each year based on last years sales. But first, I have to reassess 2019 based on 2018 to ensure we aren’t due a refund. I have to that before paying this year. And that certain city has to have the reassessment first.
    Oh yeah, and be sure the books are reconciled and closed for 2019. You follow?
    One word. “Argh”.

    • It’s “Screetch!!!!” Such a loud and painful sound that the dragons cringe and the dogs hide. The cat, in the middle of licking some not to be mentioned part, pauses, looks at you, and says, “Dude. Chill.”

  31. Well in the past week I couldn’t find my keys or the water cattle cap. Both were right in front of me at the time. Good luck with the taxes

  34. Oh, thanks all of you for all the laughs! I’m stressed, and not about taxes (just gotta do ‘em), so laughter helps. Not as much as lorazepam, unless it’s in high, intense amounts. (The laughter, not the lorazepam.).

  35. At least you didn’t put the USB driver (aka lighter) in the fridge.

    Facepalms and goes hide in shame…

  36. Awesome! Thank you for sharing your “uh” moments. I now know that I am not alone….. lol

  37. Off topic suggestion, just a thought, Lord Sorren commenting on a Wiley Coyote- Road Runner cartoon that he watches with Helen. 🙂

  38. I need to vent. And apparently I am doing it here. Let me preface this by saying that I truly love my Mother in Law (MIL). When I was in my twenties she mothered me in all ways that my own mother doesn’t know how to do. She has a wonderful heart and she really literally would hold me while I cried after fighting with my own family. So we are close.

    I am at my MIL’s house right now on the east coast (I live on the west). Which she refuses to leave or sell and she can’t afford to repair or upkeep. We were here just 12 months ago. The house is 2600 square feet with 4 bedrooms. It’s her and one cat. She’s 81.

    I sincerely thought my husband would have a stroke when we first got here. The gutters are overflowing, they are sagging from the weight. The trim is rotted. Inside the house redefines filthy. There is cat feces everywhere (and I am a cat lover), dust, and grime. She can’t clean. And frankly, even when she could she’s a terrible house keeper which is why my husband and his sisters know how to clean so well. Self defense. We used to hire a maid service for her. But she cancelled them the first opportunity she could.

    My mother in law’s cancer medication has twisted her joints and deformed her hands in just 12 months. She can’t hold a fork. When we made her chicken thighs and she ended up stabbing them and then taking bites out of the thigh like a lollipop. So the house is full of processed crap “food” with no nutritional value and empty calories. She can’t cook. When she walks to the bathroom she gets breathless. She says its a dust allergy but I think it’s her heart.

    None of his sisters told my husband any of this. Why? MIL avoids them, and won’t let them in the house. When they come over she meets them outside and won’t let them in. So they weren’t aware of it either. My MIL want strangers OR her daughters cleaning her space.

    She hasn’t gone to the doctor for her hands. She hasn’t taken the cat (who sharts everywhere) to the vet. She insists the breathing is because of allergies and won’t go to the doctor and just pops benadryl every time she wants a nap.

    And so… here we are. I pretended we were camping the first night we got here. I stripped the bed down (so much dust), cleaned what I could, replaced the bedding, and ignored what I couldn’t. We started cleaning the next day. Still cleaning. Not that you can tell. The house is in such bad repair that when we cleaned the shower the pipes leaked into the kitchen and we had to put a bucket down there. Apparently repairing the pipes requires open the walls and my mother in law can’t deal with that so she ignores it. I am actually worried that the tub will fall through the ceiling and land in the kitchen. When I told my MIL this she said, “I had that checked, it’s fine.”

    The chair that takes my mother in law up the stairs to her bedroom broke. And she has bad knees. So she’s been sleeping down here. I don’t think she’s keeping up her personal hygiene. (We called the repair person and he’ll be here Monday)

    She doesn’t fight or anything like that. You try to talk to her about this stuff she either changes the subject or ignores you. And then she just does what she wants. And if she doesn’t like a fact, she ignore it. Like she’s ignoring the joint damage to her hands, the cat’s health (we have a vet appointment we scheduled), the gutters, the leaking pipes….

    I, in all seriousness, told my husband that we need to think about declaring her incompetent. The house is her whole savings and she’s let it crumble to the point we’d have to spend more than it’s worth to fix it and sell it. She won’t leave, she won’t agree to move anywhere that doesn’t have a “proper mailbox by the front door. Not at the curb and not one of those mailrooms. A proper mailbox.” Though we have tried to get her to move somewhere that she can still be independent but that isn’t a threat to her health, the way this house is.

    My husband and I are always the ones to deal with her, not her daughters because “she doesn’t listen to us.” She doesn’t listen to me and my husband either. The difference is we don’t listen to her. She said the bedding in our room just needed some ‘fluffing’ and said washing it would ruin it (not expensive bedding, walmart special at best). So it’s apparently never been washed and all I needed to do was “put it in the dryer with a dryer sheet to get rid of the dust.”

    I just nodded, ignored her, washed it. And dug out the bedding we bought her, which is good quality and clean (and bleachable and 100% cotton). She said the kitchen didn’t need cleaning when we said we would need to clean before cooking. Husband nodded, told her to take a nap. Cleaned it. Then cooked.

    Her shoes, I KID YOU NOT, were held together by duct tape. I went, bought some new ones, threw them out. And I threw them out at a dumpster behind the grocery store while I was out alone. Why? If I throw them in the trash outside at home she’ll dig them out and continue to wear them. I’ve learned this from experience.

    But her daughters? They can’t possibly figure out how to do any of that. They just throw their hands up and say she’s impossible. And she is. She really is. But there are ways around her.

    Just ARGH…. I am so frustrated. 3 daughters. 7 grandkids. All adults. All three daughters and 6 of the grandkids live within 45 minutes of her house.

    Anyway. Thanks for letting me vent. I need to be strong for the husband. But I needed to just get this off my chest.

    • wow….just…..wow. I am so sorry. This is a terrible situation.

      You are doing the right things that you can do and control. I applaud your composure in doing what needs to be done for you all to just stay there. I don’t have advice, but I offer you what empathy and sympathy I can give. Please remember to take care of yourselves while you are there. I can only imagine what your poor husband is going through.

    • I ADMIRE YOU. Because it’s easy to wash your hands of a problem instead of trying to fix it again AND again.

      You have vented here so I’m going to take the liberty to share my POV about your situation (Conclusions I’ve reached in part due to personal experience, I went through a similar situation about three years ago)

      ♡ Sometimes trying to be strong for your husband can be more exhausting than leaning on each other. Be strong together, and you may feel better for it.

      ♡ I don’t know if your MIL has enough savings or not. If she does, don’t look for a “keeper”: Try for a nurse or a doctor at home (you’ll be surprised at the number of professionals, specially young ones, eager for the chance to work taking care of just one patient).
      If you can’t afford it: Have a family meeting where everybody must contribute or otherwise be eliminated from “the Will” Unfortunately, people use to “reconsider” their feelings when there’s money or other advantages in consideration.

      ♡ Best wishes for all ♡

    • I’m not sure about the state that she lives in, but you might try for a home health agency. Often they’re cheaper than you might think because insurance might cover part, or even all, of it.

      The people are usually nurse’s aides or higher and they will help with many different things (including bathing). All the people that I know that work in that job really love what they do and the people that they help and are incredibly nice people (now, I’m sure that’s not always the case though).

      You might try calling the local hospital or her doctor’s office to get the contact information for the agency. Sometimes if the choice is moving or getting help, they’ll choose help, even if they don’t want to.

      ((Hugs)) Best of luck to you in whatever you need to do.

    • That really sucks. Some possibly helpful insights.
      1. You, your husband, and his sisters are all “know-nothing kids” in her eyes. “Ordering her around” will only get her on the defensive and mad at you.
      2. Take pictures of the mess, leaks, and broken equipment. Her doctor can be your ally, if they know how bad it is getting for her. But raise these concerns privately without her in the room. The doctor will not come under the “know-nothing kid” label and possibly can order a hospital stay for observation.
      3. The family lawyer is also a good ally to have.
      4. Check to see if her state has Adult Protective Services (APS). Like CPS they can legally do things to protect her from a bad environment.
      If you do get her declared incompetent, she may end up under conservatorship. Family members can be conservators, but it is strongly recommended that whomever becomes conservator takes classes on how to properly manage her income/living situation.
      5. Given the leaks, mold is probably a major issue in the house. She will need to be removed from her house until the problems are fixed, which can take months. A building inspector can really help there.

      I hope some of this helps. Sorry it’s so long. Been there, done that is the best advice that I can give you.

    • She won’t let anyone into her house, so arrange with them that someone will visit her every other week and take her out to lunch or shopping or whatever, and have the maid service go in during that time when she’s gone. She has a lot of people nearby, and they can take up that chore of getting her out so the house can be cleaned. A good cleaning every other week beats no cleaning for the year. Seriously, what is wrong with the rest of the family that they let her get away with this? It’s time for a family meeting to get things arranged. You’re paying for the maid service, they can each certainly buy her a meal once every 18 weeks to get her out of that house. Or they can take her to a doctor after making arrangements with the cleaning service. This CAN BE arranged. It just takes those 9 people who live so close to her to admit that they need to assist.

      Moving her against her wishes will crush her. But keeping her home clean and keeping her healthy will keep her alive until she admits that she can’t stay there and agrees to move somewhere else.

    • Layla- you are a great daughter in law! She is lucky to have you and she knows how much you love her. The elderly hate change and are soooooo scared of losing their independence and therefore won’t admit it out loud that they need help. Thus you just going along and doing what needs to be done is love in action. You rock!! I think your husband does too in handling his mother. Question- does your MIL have a Will and a power of attorney and a living will drawn up? The power of attorney document typically includes a clause about their later stage of life and who and how someone could take over for their care if they are declared incompetent. My understanding is you have to get that in writing from one or two doctors and then having to go to court to make it official. Good luck!

  39. Me: “I can’t find my glasses”
    Friend: “Touch your head”
    Me: ::sighs::

    Me: (after 24 hours without sleeping) The empty yoghurt goes to the washing machine, the spoon to the trash [Main reason I go straight to sleep after work marathons, by the way]

    In conclusion: I hope you are well and that you are able to finish as soon as possible ♡

    • I know that feeling. Just yesterday I was looking for my glasses and then realized I was wearing them. LOL
      As for stressing about taxes, I am a tax accountant. With all the “Windows” changes and the software changes I know I’ll be tearing my hair out. SIGH….

  40. I regularly say that putting things out in plain sight is unfair. Because I never see what’s right in front of me. Taxes, bah!

  41. We had a blackout. You know, the type that lasts for hours or days. Cooking on the gas BBQ. My husband bought a microwaveable (raw) chicken. We still remind him.

  43. Ha! Been there. My last brain glitch involved me searching desperately for my Kindle, only to find it in the fridge.

  44. When you get a chance, I’d love to find out more about Roman. I think he’s one of your wittier characters.

  45. I go insane on a regular basis because my husband moves my stuff in the kitchen. My cupboards have little sticky notes on them, “The colander does not go in this cabinet!”, “I need the lower two shelves in this cupboard for glasses, not empty bottles!”, and yet, he ignores my notes, puts things where he wants to put them, and I have to find them. Fortunately, I have learned his hiding places over the years. When he can’t find something, I look in all his usual places, and I can usually find it. Because I loathe losing things, I make sure that if I’m not reading it, my Kindle is plugged in for next time. My phone goes with me as if it’s attached to my hand, because the minute I can’t find it, it rings. My house phone sits in its charger unless it’s in use. My keys go into my purse pocket as soon as I’m done using them. The checkbook sits in my purse so we both know where to find it. You need to set up a certain place for each thing you’ll need to find in a hurry, because when you’re in a hurry, you have no time to look for things. That’s the easy part. The hard part is remembering where those places are when you need those things. Fortunately for my sanity, I cannot see without my glasses, so I always put them where they can be the first thing I grab when I wake up, the last thing I take off to go to sleep. I can’t see through the top of my head, so I never put them there! Things I need daily are kept in the same place every day. That helps.

    I did, finally, after almost 30 years, teach him to put everything related in any way, shape, or form to taxes into one spot. You get the mail, you open it, you put it where it needs to be when it’s time to take it to the accountant. Do this all year long. And still… Somehow, something gets left out. He’s been doing this sorting as you go thing for 15 years now, but there’s always one little piece of paper that escapes notice. I resent taxes to the sky, but I resent paying fines and late charges even more. Then you have to keep all that business stuff for umpteen years “just in case”, and it piles up. *sigh*

    The thing I have found that works best when things get so crazy that you try to use a lighter as a USB stick is a long nap. I’m talking go to bed an hour early, stay in bed an hour late. The only cure for a frazzled mind is sleep. Please get some. Take a break, don’t write for a few hours, just stay away from the computers and the books, and watch the birds eat on your feeders. Let it all go. Don’t face it, don’t worry about it, don’t even consider anything you need to do. This seems counter-intuitive, but your brain needs to sort things out so they don’t bunch up in your mind. This is why I have bird feeders. You may find something else worth looking at. But whatever it is, just let your mind drift. Pull the dead leaves off your violets, pet the dog, cuddle a cat. This is why you have those things in the house.

  46. Hi fellow BDH members, totally unrelated but have you all seen that mens grooming commercial ? My husband and I were watching a basketball game and this commercial came on, it was so funny! Google the LAWNMOWER 2.0 by Manscaping and watch on YouTube .

  47. I’m a teacher, we have an elevator in my school. It’s ridiculous the amount of times I’ve done one of the following: 1) get into the elevator and repeatedly press the button to the floor I’m already in instead of the floor I need to go. 2) Walk into the elevator and wonder why isn’t going anywhere (hint: I forgot to press the button). 3) Stand in front of the elevator for a hot minute before I realized that I should probably pass the badge in front of the reader so that I can actually call the elevator.

  48. When my first son was about 2-3 months old he woke up wanting to be fed. I don’t remember the details why but unpacking in a new house, periods of sleep lasting 4ish hours and still healing from a difficult birth all led to this moment. I sat up in bed, scooped up my cat sleeping by my feet, hiked up my pyjama top and tried to get my cat to lie down beside me and latch on. I couldn’t understand why my son was still crying and wriggling in my arm when I finally woke up. I gave the cat an apologetic pet and rushed into my son’s room to nurse. It has been 13 years and we all still giggle about the time I tried to breastfeed a cat.

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