It’s Monday! Before you boo, we’re ushering in a week when classic museum heists are back on the news, the clocks are about to turn back, and it’s hard to focus pocus on anything but tricks and treats.
The immortal Texan wereferret hedgehog diaspora fun in Friday’s comment section have once again proven that we are a mighty Horde in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades and mischief). What better time to encourage a little creative BDH chaos?
There are famous subreddits called Explain a Book (or Movie) Plot Badly, where people summarize beloved stories so inaccurately, they become masterpieces.
Think:
Professional nephew goes on long walk and loses jewellery.
Lord of the Rings
Or:
Girl lands her man after she dries her hair, shows off her legs and stops talking.
The Little Mermaid
Naturally, we must try this with Ilona Andrews books. Here’s my go at the first one:
Ex-warlord with attachment issues discovers the power of cows, gardening, and unconditional love after cursing at a unicorn.
I know you can do worse!
Pick an Ilona Andrews book, novella, or even a free snippet and explain the plot badly in the comments. Be as misleading as possible while staying technically accurate. If your summary makes another reader snort tea out their nose or makes Ilona message me with “MOD R, NO!” you’re doing it right.
Go forth, BDH. Confuse newcomers, alarm Goodreads, and make Caldenia proud.
first?
First…guest at an off-licence AirBnB is a dictator from space who loves onions rings
I am so sorry… to tell you… Funyuns are NOT onion rings.
May the Mellow Yellow be with you.
Fire!
Thank you for the laugh, and I agree, not onion rings. 😀
Mod R, you are so cruel is it delicious. I look forward to reading all of the Hordes demented efforts.
+1! 😄
Slavic Expat tries to hide from her father who just wants her to make him proud. She meets the love of her life in a dark building in unsavory part of town while greeting him with Here Kitty Kitty.
Aliens invade a B&B under constant construction
Featuring moment where a prickly chef wins over local police with frosted donut
If it weren’t for those damn meddling Draziri kids!
😆
Sa-weet Scooby Snacks!
Girl with a secret faces reality and ends up working to save the town.
A woman with major daddy-issues bounces from man to man trying to find the answers on who killed her surrogate father in a magic infested world.
Armed with the power of love a woman tries to save the city from an encroaching swamp.
The swamp giveth, and the swamp taketh away!
P.I. hired to find a missing son who is planning to do bad things. gets kidnapped and suffers from Stockholm syndrome. 🤣
I’m going to break character just to say how much I hate the so-called Stockholm syndrome that is completely fake and misogynistic and doesn’t exist 😝. It’s safer if you don’t get me started on this lol
Hear hear Mod R!!
Professional woman hired to find missing kid gets kidnapped by crazy ex-soldier.
a young blond stray becomes protege of 3 powerful land claiming, blood magic users
Goldilocks like you’ve never seen her before!
Women falls in love with lion after seeing it wrestle with a squip creature of Slavic mythology and later traps him in a cage as a gesture of love.
Kate Daniels book 2 and 3
Woman tells a little white lie about what’s on her mind only to have her overbearing boss’ aunt marry her off.
Woman with daddy issues terrorises Atlanta and finds love with a cat man.
Government-backed treasure hunter grows her own guard dog, then brings it home to meet her kids.
Love it!
oldest sister almost gets her house caught on fire while being courted by a maniac and a madman.
My take was pretty similar – shy girl helps megalomaniac put out fire
Cackle for this one
Large male feline saves pride with help of female hunter. Magic Bites
Bank robber caught wearing jewels after heist.
Veteran starts new life on distant world; snags husband by pretendingto be a shark in VR.
Woman with anger issues and man who sheds a lot have a difficult courtship amid various apocalypses.
🤣🤭🤣🤭🤣💖
Two ferrets and a badger execute the perfect heist and solve a murder.
They really cracked it wide open! 🤭
Here all week 😂😂
hahaha! The Pied Piper Returns!
Big shot man scorns dating app filters. Most of his matches live to regret it
Woman and child are brutally kidnapped and forced to live in a onion, finds peace after realizing she is the real power
After saving a young boy from suicide a woman falls hopelessly into friendship with his sister. she encourages her new friend to shelter with her family in their time of need providing the protection so desperately needed during a tumultuous times.
catalina and runa could have been a hot item!
Girl with self-image issues clashes with her interior decorator.
Which book is that? I was thinking Innkeeper, but I don’t see Dina having self-image issues.
It’s a very shaggy one, that’s for sure 😉
Loner girl with daddy issues can’t keep her shoes clean while looking for true love in all the weird places.
Orphans learn the power of love and magic as they battle the forces of evil. Also, Walmart sells shoes at an affordable cost.
Woman in hiding marries man who traps her in his basement.
He’s never going to live that down 😀
Woman lets grandmother, who tried to kill her and her sisters boss hold her newborn nephew.
In fairness, the boss snuck her in 😀
Retired assassin is hired to kill her ex-fiancé and nemesis but ends up just gaslighting him!
Fluffy animals will take you along on a heist that steals your heart as well
Warlord marries mysterious warlock for bread
And a castle.
Yes!
A single mother makes a fruit salad then goes hunting dragons and ruins a wedding.
🤣
omg! so good.
And visited luxury loving lees too!
100%
🤔🤩🤣
prince falls for her over multi-day negotiations of sex and porn
Formality is overrated at a certain point 😉
I was going to say :
Woman wins political negotiations with porn.
Tragically single man goes on a winter hike to save a dog.
But he is rich in secret admirers 😀
Wait. Not far enough.
To piggyback:
A tragically single man fights evil kidnappers, argues with his god amidst the loneliest time of the year and rescues all in need, just to win approval and a second chance from a girl he wronged many years ago.
Orphan pursues adoptive father’s adopted daughter, who frees a man who thinks he can fly.
Two people with daddy issues try to figure out why everyone else has daddy issues
It’s daddy issues as far as the eye can see!
🤣🤣
Alien leader uses inconceivable means to get retribution and find love after his father’s death.
Overly large trees impede major marriage PR event.
Wedding planner extraordinaire is on the case!
😂
“It’s beginning to look a lot like Nechists…” pagan hermit celebrates the holidays in style while seeking his lost cookies and eggnog.
A refugee and her boss fight immaginary wars in their mind and end up falling for each other once the boss sees her in an imaginary mind battle.
Silver shark
A woman’s normal day at work goes horribly horribly wrong, but she adopts a good dog.
💜
Girl that loves a pointy stick – frequently pokes said stick at evil nasty things and somehow survives with a baby lion, a homicidal maniac mate, and queenship in her happily ever after
Family forces teenager daughter on a date that is then interrupted by a pig.
A galactic Airbnb hostess tries to stop an interplanetary war by inviting three species who hate each other to share snacks. “So annoyed that you murdered my guests, but don’t forget to try the chicken!”
A young woman takes up her parents’ profession, where secrecy is paramount, in the hopes of finding clues to their sudden and mysterious disappearance. Local law enforcement is suspicious of her activities.
When danger stalks and mauled bodies start showing up – she decides she must take matters into her own hands and defend her domain, going so far as to call on a family friend in order to barter groceries for a lethal arsenal.
Girl and her kitty hide from her daddy. Her brother wants a kiss.
Middle aged divorced mother of two gets lost, wanders around for a week while her employer sits on their hands and ends up adopting a dog.
Girl is trapped in a cave then rescues herself.
Loner making first attempt at being a secret agent man ends up in a swamp.
nice one!
This one is great!
Lonely middle aged singles travel, come back with a dog and a cat respectively and go back to work.
Despite regular magic-based hazards, Houston traffic is still bad (series)
More at 10 😀
Galactic emperor looks for love in all the wrong places while staying at a B&B in Texas.
Childhood friends reunite to join a fight over a fancy toy box and discover the nutritional benefits of eating organ meat.
Space chicken saves the day! A werewolf and girl who run an inn help when they aren’t too busy with Halloween yard decorations.
👍
Girl struggles to maintain her household as overbearing grandparents pile on more work.
Struggles include irresponsible employees that we love (they saved the “baby”); irresponsible employees that we don’t love; and hot heartbreakers that keeping stealing the pies.
Mountain woman eats fast food, kills Uncle, disappears.
A struggling girl finds love and nobility by…flashing.
It’s the best one !! Thanks for the laugh.
🤣🤣🤣
Influencer returns to woo workaholic and helps her defeat a swamp monster.
Teenage gamer boy discovers he has a talent for narration and shooting things for real. Throws up.
Couple hosts unruly guests involved in love tridecagon for multi-day event.
Loving mother must cope with her family where the husband is out of work and her sons fight and won’t talk to her. Also, her nephew keeps trying to kill her cat!
Her bunny! Her duck! Her cat! No, her bunny! No, cat! 😀
Young and ancient Felidae transmogrifier rescues a group of magic mushroom-hunting hominids from a hungry monster bent on destroying a refueling depot. Everyone is saved! (No dogs were injured or killed!)
Cheers!
Woman who runs a bed and breakfast hides a body in Costco and her neighbor pees on her things. One of her guests drinks coffee and runs around naked, while the permanent guest is an older, retired lady. The woman uses her broom to protect local dogs.
a friendless person rides a horse around a crumbly Atlanta and pokes people with their sword till monsters appear. Then either attempts to be friendly or kills the monster. They are fastidious about cleaning up their blood.
Sister with middle-child syndrome wrenches family business from older sister for her own good and falls in love with super sexy Cinderella-man
Manager of unique Airbnb discovers how dangerous shopping at Costco really is.
yes!!!
🎉
Barka, barka…barka barka
Couple becomes HOA presidents accidentally after killing a toddler fae god that demands blood sacrifices.
A magically overqualified teenager runs away from home, adopts a murder horse, and accidentally becomes the most terrifying babysitter in Atlanta.
A werehyena business owner and a gun-toting beastkin PI break up, fight snake gods, argue about ethics, and somehow end up engaged because murder and magic are apparently great couples therapy.
A PI is forced to find ‘very hot’ missing bad boy only to get kidnapped by a reclusive (secretly heroic) gorgeous dragon. They then go on adventures in a swamp, pick up a Bug and the mysterious dragon helps the PI to save the city.
Okay… this one has “a bit of movie magic” in it:
In a galaxy, far, far away, a magic seed, planted in secret, bends the minds of a select few by torturing the rules of physics until the very fabric of existence is questioned. Patrons are welcome to stay, but management controls the very air they breathe.
(This is such a fun exercise! But I will limit it to two, too.)
Cheers!
Magic girl meets magic boy, they fall in love and go on to do magic stuff together.
Kate Daniel’s Series, Inn Keeper Series, Edge Series
Dancers murder foreign delegation
🥳
Man who hates the festive season ends up felling an evergreen, serving eggnog to guests, and reuniting with childhood not-friend.
Wedding was beautiful despite the family’s best efforts.
Child destroys family with bedazzler.
The quiet sister is hired to spy on her sister’s soon to be inlaws during the wedding celebration visit. She causes chaos at the rehearsal, there is a theft, bloodshed, and attempted murder. It is always the one you least suspect. Diamond Fire
Dance off festival results in multiple alien deaths.
Aliens invade Earth by sending real-life multiplayer dungeons for humans to play in.
Georgia belle moves to Texas to take over derelict inn – deftly managing the everyday stresses of discouraging cannibalism and protecting apple trees from urinating werewolves and coffee-drunk naked vampires.
A date so bad the family is stunned speechless, but the pig is saved!
Talented lady shows off some special bling to an old fling.
Natural blonde teams up with her kidnapper to cath an egotistical pyrokinetic with mummy issues and falls in love in the meantime – with the kidnapper, despite the pyrokinetic being hot. Because the kidnapper has post traumatic stress disorder to deal with and she likes a challenge.
Woman vigorously reconstructs her inn many times.
Woman goes to great lengths to befriend German Shepherd.
Family does not know they are Primes despite being stronger than everyone around them.
A disgraced chef is lured by the promise of an intergalactic comeback by preparing the meals of delegates from several warring planets during a peace summit. While there, he discovers his talent shines no matter how large or small the stage.
Talking Chickens learn a lot and vacation in a b&b, possibly breaking HOA rules.
🤗
Older man with many children stalks younger woman with daddy and cat issues; and invites her to be dinner.
An undercover boss begins working for a rival company and catches feelings for the head of the company. She is torn between revealing her true identity or staying quiet to finish her mission, but a family crisis may take that decision out of her hands. What will happen when the object of her affection learns the truth?
Elderly Dragon carries previous rider’s daughter to the capital for unknown adventures. Impresses man in pink. More to come?
On edge girl bonds with weird guy while killing hundreds of hairless dogs
So good!
Small business owner and retired soldier decide to run a dating show featuring a fish and a cat as two of the contestants.
Treasure finder mage sacrificed by her guard, struggles to survive weird world with powers from her alien mother and predator eating dog companion.
Grandma and Grandpa finally make up in second chance multigenerational story.
Megalomaniac grandmother with a god-complex manipulates grandchildren in order to get pretty and powerful great-grandchildren
Or
In escape to the country: Disgraced army commander and Merlin’s lost heir team up to buy a castle for their extended family.
Just this morning I was talking on the phone to my adult son about the Edge books and finishing the last (he started complaining there were only 2 Wilmington books and I said House Andrews was diverted by Maggie the Undying). Anyway I went on to tell him that there was going to be a new book in the House series, which he particularly liked, especially the ferrets. So I told him, well,”remember the guy who could turn into anything?” “What? No.” “You know, the detective family worked for him in the first book? Oh. Yes well, he has just finished up a job where he turned into a woman, that’s why I described him as being turned into anything. Anyway, his new client is the sister of the guy with the ferrets. She offers him a job he can’t refuse, and that’s where the snippet ends. So this story will have animals.” Could any description of a story be worse?
I was actually trying to get him interested in reading it.
Mind-controlled mass-murderer marries mind-bending horror from outside reality.
Reminds me of Gondre the Wandsmith’s videos on YouTube. ‘Movie where the kid marries his babysitter’; Attack of the Clones. He’s fun and a little twisted.
Woman meets aunt. Woman fights and injures aunt. Woman kills aunt, then goes home to a lion.
Eldritch horror wins over pretty boy warrior.
Single mom would die for child. Doesn’t. Goes on to rescue humankind instead.
A woman tempts an old flame with baked goods but then vanishes.
Killer cooks and bakes well. The couple retires in a rural area.
Guy with Eeyore fetish drags tree in winter.
Professional nosy girl seduces unemployed guy with honesty and cookies so she can move out of her mother’s house.
Girl neggs stalker while her sisters conspire to destroy a hospital.
Vampires from outer space seek refuge in a small country inn, and enlist a young woman and a werewolf in their quest to kill a wedding crasher.
Foragers are menaced by a monster, saved by a prince.
The door slammed. The maiden screamed. A shot rang out. Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon.
Thanks, and a tip of the hat to Charles Schulz. Now I need to re-read Steel’s Edge.
Woman whose husband cheats on her ends up with husband of the other cheating partner. They end up in a partnered dance-off with a pair of twins to save their home planet
Neat freak with a tree house adopts stray dog.
Unlikely adversaries unite to thwart the thieving plans of their cheating spouses, and making mincemeat of their enemies.