Me: I don’t know if I will finish it.
BDH: Omg, the cat, what will happen to the cat? Does the cat die?
Home. Finally.
Laura stepped out of the car, resisting the urge to sit down right there on the steps before the front door. So tired. With the AC out, the day just dragged on and on, and then Clara, for no apparent reason, decided to persistently offer her clients coffee from Starbucks and then act like a victim when they declined. The first time she had done it, Laura laughed it off. By the third client, she was no longer polite.
She had to figure out some other place to work. And soon.
A piercing scream came from somewhere within the house. It didn’t sound like the usual kind of kid scream.
Parent anxiety was the best energy boost. She cleared the few feet between her and the door in a blink and threw it open. The living room was empty, except for one little girl with dark hair. One of Isabella’s friends. What was her name?
“Courtney?”
The little girl’s lip trembled. She opened her mouth and wailed, “I want to go home!”
Oh my god.
“What’s going on, honey? Are you hurt?””
Courtney shook her head and sobbed.
“Where is everyone?”
Courtney pointed at the window behind them. The backyard.
A chorus of sharp squeals came from the patio.
Laura tore to the kitchen.
Somewhere deep within the house Isabella screamed, “… right away! Come right away, my dad needs help! Help! He’s going to faint!”
Laura flung the French door open. The porch was filled with screaming children. She pushed her way through them and saw John slumped over by the fence, deathly pale, shaking and clutching at his hand. Blood stained the fence boards. It was everywhere, on the wood, on John’s hands, on his clothes… On the fence, Tubbs hung upside down, yowling his head off.
Laura sprinted across the yard.
“John! Are you okay?”
His lips were blue. Her husband shuddered and opened his mouth.
“Get… the cat.”
“What?”
“The cat. Get the cat.”
Tubbs screeched like a banshee, all claws and fur standing on end. If she tried to grab him with her bare hands, he would slice her to ribbons. She yanked her shirt off.
“Ava, cat carrier! Lily, first aid kit! Now!”
She threw her shirt over the cat, wrapped him up like a burrito, and jerked the cat bundle straight up. The paw slid free. Tubbs flailed in the bundle, trying to claw through it.
Ava ran up with a cat carrier, set it on its end, opening pointing up, and pulled the door open. Laura shoved Tubbs into the carrier butt first. He tried to wedge himself against it, but she pushed him in, shirt and all, and slid the door shut.
One down.
Laura whipped around. Lily thrust the medical kit at her. Her eyes were blood red.
Laura yanked the antiseptic spray out and turned to her husband.
“Let me see.”
John shook. “It’s fine.”
“Give me your hand. Don’t look at it.”
“I said… it’s fine.”
She grabbed his hand. There was so much blood she couldn’t even tell where the wound was.
If he collapsed, there was no way she could lift him.
“Lily, I need water.”
Lily took off.
“We’re going to sit down, honey. Right here, hold on to me and just slide down the fence.”
He grabbed onto her. His knees buckled. John slid to the ground, his back propped by the fence boards.
Lily returned with a gallon jug of distilled water from the pantry.
“Don’t look,” she told John. “Close your eyes.”
“It’s fine.” There was a little more growl to his voice. He was coming out of it.
“Pour the water,” she ordered.
Lily splashed it onto her father’s hand. The blood finally cleared, and Laura glimpsed two perfectly round puncture bites dripping blood.
Sirens blared. She barely noticed them.
“That’s it, just keep pouring. … That’s good.”
Laura pressed the gauze over the wounds, pulled it off, and drenched John’s palm in antiseptic spray. It kept bleeding. Was there some kind of major blood vessel in the hand?
She clamped a fresh piece of gauze over the wounds.
John met her eyes. He was still looking green, but a little bit of his normal color slowly returned to his face.
“It will be okay. We got this. We’ll fix this right up. It’s just two small, tiny punctures. Very tiny. Like can barely see…”
“Laura?”
“Yes, honey?”
“I love you.”
Oh. “I love you, too.”
“I’m not one of our children. I’m a grown ass man, and I’m older than you.”
She blinked.
John picked up the corner of the gauze and peeled it off his hand. Two small red drops swelled in the punctures, but blood was no longer gushing.
Laura reached for the first aid kit and plucked a Band-Aid. It was black with cute little moons on it.
“It was a family variety pack. These are the only ones we have left.”
“That’s fine. I’ll survive.”
She pressed the bandage over the punctures.
They looked at each other.
The French door burst open and two paramedics, two policemen, and some firefighters stampeded into the yard, with Isabella in the lead.
“He was over there!”
The leading paramedic, a compact, athletic man, barreled at them and came to a halt.
Laura realized two things: one, she was covered in blood and two, her shirt was in the pet carrier, wrapped around Tubbs. She looked down. There were bloodstains on her lacy bra.
“Did you call 911?” she asked.
Isabella opened her mouth. Nothing came out.
“Injury?” the paramedic asked.
John raised his hand and showed them his cute moon Band-Aid.
Nobody said anything.
In the carrier, Tubbs let out a blood curdling howl.
Stay tuned for Part 3, the exciting conclusion. Coming to you some time soon.
Thank you for part 2!
I needed this! Thank you for part 2!
Actually lol right now! Poor dad, poor mom, snicker, chortle
Cat bites are definitely evil!
Hope he goes to the hospital- a friend was four days in hospital on antibiotic IV. Apparently cat bites are evil, and the nurses told her wild stories about amputations.
Yes, their fangs drive nasty bacteria deep into tissue, which is why cats get abscesses so frequently after a fight. The wound closes with the infectious material still inside. The body walls it off and then you get a nice reservoir of pus. I got a cat bite on my right index finger, from trying to pill a feral cat for my college work-study job. The finger swelled up like a sausage. The health center had to put in one of those disgusting latex drains that look like tapeworms sticking out of the skin. As an ag major who routinely assisted at necropsies and surgeries, I could look at all manner of blood and guts and parasites all day long. I had to avert my eyes from that damned drain every time I changed the dressing though. The scar is still there, over 45 years later. So is the finger, thank goodness.
🫣🤔WOW. I’ll remember this for future encounters with mad cats and be more careful.
Oh yes, it’s really dangerous, perfect medical summary from your side.
My friend was bitten by her own – very friendly and chill- cat. She wanted to save her cat who was in a cat fight and so fired up that she couldn’t tell friend from foe.
It’s not ferals or strays only.
Don’t get in between two cats who fight, you need a plan!
Yeah, I didn’t get mine taken care of fast enough once and my hand ended up doing a remarkably good impression of a shiny red water balloon.
Luckily got away with just some truly massive pills instead of any sort of IV 🙂
LOL! Perfect.
Hahahaha!!
Thank you for making me smile…
Based on a true story, huh… 😂😂😂😂
Love part 2. I think the BDH needs to have more faith. Like you would kill a cat in a domestic situation. Its a fun story so far, I hope its helping to distract you and stretch some creative muscles without being stressful. Have a wonderful day
+1. I wish you much tea and cookies.🍪
Whew! Thank you ! L0L
thank you for continuing the story. glad everyone has survived so far.
lol Thank you.
All part of Tubbs’ secret mastermind scheme I’m certain. Looking forward to the finale.
I am loving this! You have made my day!!
Thank you so much💗💗
This is fabulous.
I’m glad I’m alone in my office at the moment. I’m laughing like a loon!
Thanks for this!
I needed a laugh today. Thank you!
LOL silly kitty- making your poor humans’ day trying. Thanks for sharing this gem!
Thank you so much for writing this!
NGL, I’m on tenterhooks – not least because I kinda wanna know what the real life inspiration was 🙈 but it’s a great read even without a part 3!
John and Laura, let the nice paramedics tell you how bad cat bites can get infected, please.
Also can I say how much I love how the daughters are instantly helpful? Reminds me of the way the Baylors mobilize in times of crisis. The situation is the conflict, you don’t need people to be in conflict, too.
oh my gosh I love this. it sounds just like my house if hubby hurts himself when I’m out. All hell breaks lose, then I get home deal with the problem and 20 minutes later everyone is calm and I look at them and say ‘soooo, how did this start?’ 🤣🤣🤣
Moral of the story: Movjng out of your comfort zone will cause consequences, good/bad, to you and those around you.
Even if you’re on the fence about it 🤪
HAHA!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤪
That’s a true committed couple! 🤣
I’m still curious to know what Tubbs was looking at? How did he get incentivized to walk outside?
Curiouser, and curiouser🥸
Pandemonium! Paramedics! Cats! Kids!
Loving this story! I once described the household I grew up in as the play “You Can’t Take It With You”, except no fireworks in the basement.
I got a letter from my mom one time when I was in college (in the 1970’s everyone wrote, no one called, too expensive) – “your brother got bit by the cat, and got blood poisoning from the bite; red lines running down his arm from the bite mark, antibiotics cleared it up”. And this brother was the person in our family that the cat loved most. So, yeah, cat bites need urgent treatment!
Somehow I missed Part 1, just went back…Bwahahaha!!! As someone with vasovagal syncope I can so relate. Mine is triggered by not eating on schedule. And not enough exercise. Go figure.
help gasp pant gasp can can’t can’t stop laughing 😂
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, oh gosh! hahahahhahaha
I can’t wait to see how they are getting the cat out of the cat carrier……. Thanks for the laughs today. They were sorely needed.
Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣 Oh the drama! Can’t wait for part 3!!
I came to this party late. Great story! There was a guy at work, 6’3” who would faint if he moved his head up too quick. He would pass out picking up a piece of paper.
🤣 this is soooooo good 🤣
Too hilarious it so real
Is this based on real life? What inspired this amazing story?
From part 1 🙂: “ Based on a true story but slightly dramatized like a Lifetime movie.
All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Except for the cat’s.” https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/the-life-and-trials-of-tubbs-the-cat-part-1/
actually this sounds remarkably like something that happened at my house however I did keep my shirt on.hehehehe
Just the lift my day needed. Thank you.
Cats … our wicked overlords, if only we didn’t love them so much.
Thank you 😊
Anything. Anytime. I’ll read and enjoy! Thanks for the chuckles!
please let there not be a bill for the emergency visit
Thank you 😊.
“Based on a true story” except dramatized … omg. I’m trying to imagine when the syrupy piano music starts and everyone learns a lesson about love and life. 😎 looking forward to hearing about what’s next for Tubbs and family!
Thanks for part two! I think they need to adopt Tubbs and not just foster him!
By the way, I have read too many House Andrews tales and I am expecting Tubbs to turn out to be a fae wearing glamour and that bite causes some sort of magical transformation in John.
Unlikely, sure, but in a House Andrews story you learn to expect the unexpected!
John will now be a cat-were…
Kidding, but yeah, antibiotics for cat bites. I got a scratch from one of mine (we were playing rough and his tooth kinda grazed me) and within 24 hours it started looking nasty. Cat mouths are just swamps of infectious bacteria for some reason.
Think about where they can lick, and what they prey upon.
I sit in bed with my cat beside me. now she is in her winter coat and is fluffy. but try to brush her belly and you with be bitten.
Love it! thank you!
Oh, Tubbs!
Thank you for this!
yeah, i forsee a LOT of calls from the other parents after this. At last tubbs didn’t go over, and the dogs didn’t come over to help contribute to the fun.
Love! Just what I needed after a not so great day!
I am crying🤣🤣🤣
I will laugh on and off for hours thinking about cat going in the carrier butt first! Thank you for letting us know that John didn’t faint and that the cat is safe. Guess I should wonder about traumatized children but CAT! wrapped in a shirt! LOL lol LOL lol
I had to wrap two cats in shirts when my family had to take them to the vet. They hated going in the carrier and the car. It was nuts. 🙄😵💫
For a stubborn or scared cat, it’s the easiest way, honestly. Rump first and just pour the rest in. It helps if you can stand the carrier with the opening up too.
Backwards into the bath, too. As long as the water temperature is comfy and warm, not hot, it works like a charm.
Thank you! This is timely. My son is in Asia for a month. 3 people tried to share his kitty sitting duties. Only my husband was spending day and night there as we’re an hour away. His part of sitting was 4 days at the start and 4 days at the end of this month. Kitty stressed, unknown to us, she has kitty herpes, got eye lesions, had to have eye surgery and she’s in our spare rec room and I have to give her 4 different drugs. She is in pain and can’t see well and in a new place. You can imagine.
Hugs for all of you!! 💖
Oh gosh. Hope you all come out of it safely.
This is good. Please be inspired! Plus I’m so happy Tubbs is just mortally offended!
Oh Tubbs…you survived parts 1 and 2 but what consequences await you in part 3? 😄 Thanks for not leaving us hanging for too long!
Roflmao! Thank you for this! And please, antibiotics are a necessity. Cat bites are unpleasant even when thoroughly cleaned with soap and water and alcohol.
BWAHAHA, thanks for the laugh!
Thanks for part 2 in the thrilling adventure of Tubbs the cat and company. 😂😂😂😂😂
Well that was exciting. Hope Tubbs didn’t strain something in his paw.
so exciting!
That’s all the damage the cat did to the husband? Two small bites.
The cat was not really trying very hard.
one small bite resulting in two fang holes.
😂😂😂 I’m so glad the cat didn’t break his leg and John didn’t pass out and hit his head. Thank you. Now it can be funny.
What’s happening is the moon is full and there is an enormous amount of tension from tornado warnings in central and east Texas. All that pressure on one who is aware of the dark side needs blood, a lot of blood.
I love it.
Go Tubbs!!! John will be fine!!! what an adventure!
I’m relieved the cat’s okay! 😸
Wonderful!! Thank you!
Sooo funny 🤣 🤣
“John raised his hand and showed them his cute moon Band-Aid.”
Paramedic, John, Laura, kids: …(realizing this is not actually an emergency)
Tubbs: Now hold on one minute here! This is definitely an emergency!!!
Love it, had a good chuckle, 🤩 thanks
Cat 😸 bites are so septic that if a small animal has its skin broken enough from a bite, it will die even if the overall damage isn’t that bad. The claws aren’t that bad, but bad enough. There is something called cat scratch fever for a reason.
Bites that draw blood and severe scratches should always be checked by a physician.
I know how cat bites are. My cat got me one night and my forearm started swelling, red nearly all the way around my forearm, double antibiotics for two weeks. Pen mark on my arm to mark the spot that if the swelling went past I had to go straight to hospital.
The cat is still living and climbing on me in the middle of the night.
soon?please?
This keeps getting better! Very happy that both cat and dad survived.
Thank you both very much, made my 5:00 am wake up call very pleasurable this morning. You all are so gifted and talented. Gifting me with an enjoyable start to my HAPPY FRIDAY and long Memorial Weekend Holiday. Wishing everyone a safe enjoyable holiday weekend.
I could literally read anything you guys write. You could even make a story about the stock market riveting 🤩
Thank you!!
+1
I love your writing! The storytelling is fabulous. Much respect Carrie
🤣 Great part two. Thank you, I hope you’re feeling better
I think you could write a machine manual and we would fight to read it. This story is awesome! I feel for the real people and cats behind the story
Thank you! Can we have a HEA for this family? Maybe it is because their situation is so relatable, but all I could think is “Golly, I hope everything works out for them.”
Passive aggressive bosses are the worst. I hope this incident results in Laura finding a better place, John landing the good job, or some other favorable resolution to the situation they are in.
Thank you for sharing Part 2 and I look forward to the story’s conclusion!
😂 so grateful and delighted to see more so soon! Thank you!
Okay, that was thrilling and hysterical! Laughed over coffee this morning. Thanks for that!!
This is so good!! Just so, so very good!
Thank you
Thank you so much!
Thanks for this. You are just the best writer. I m having a massively stressful time right now and this story just helps. Hope you have a wonderful week! You deserve it’
Absolutely adorable! Your sense of humor is priceless. You see life from a totally unique perspective. Thank you so much for the joy you bring.
Amen
Love it! Tubbs = Spicy Cat
You’ve made my day and I REALLY needed it today. THANK YOU so, so much!!!
I’m now invested in this family. Please continue this story.
Thanks!
I have to take my dad’s elderly, fat cat to the vet soon and I am already dreading putting her in her carrier. I’m planning long sleeves, gloves, and the burrito trick with a towel, but now I am contemplating armor. How did you know I needed this tale of Tubbs?!
Poor Laura! What a scene to come home to a screaming cat, bloody husband, and chaos. I was sure John was going to faint and the fence was going to fall down! Your writing is wonderfully descriptive. Thank you!
lmao
I’ve had good days and bad days,,,, and everything in between days.
I must tell you, many of those days were exponentially improved by your newsletters.
Thank you.
Thank you! Hope that whatever happened in real life was a minor wound as mentioned in the story. Also hope this story gives you a break from the bigger stories you are writing.
What a scene! Oh so family in every way. Your writing, your creative mind, your observations — so amazing. Thank you for this wonderful snippet.
Parent anxiety is the best energy boost. No truer statement!
Love this as with all things you write… love, family, blood and violence (lol), the awwww moments, and hilarity.
Thank you
Hahahahaha, that was perfect! House Andrews you are the best, thank you!!!!
Thank you, this was lovely.
Oh I have missed my Andrews fix. I’m having one of “those” years that started in March and appears to be marching straight through until at least September. I’m rereading all the book series that I like to help maintain a good attitude. I needed the Tubbs laugh in the worst way. Wishing everyone a great weekend with pleasant company and good food!
I can’t wait for Part 3 (should it happen). There’s only one letter difference between bats and cats…
You guys are the best!
Years ago, my cat Reggie used to jump up onto the wooden fence and casually stroll along the top of it to the carport to bask in the sun. One day after work, he meowed to come in and immediately jumped onto the (white) sofa and didn’t want to move. When he did, I spotted the red streaks on the sofa. Apparently, he had jumped onto the fence and jumped or fallen off, and one of his back claws stuck in the wood – and ripped completely out of the nail bed! Luckily, he had almost stopped bleeding by then so I bandaged up his foot and watched him to be sure he didn’t get an infection. He turned out to be fine and lived many more years (periodically getting into trouble, because that’s what cats do).
Oh my! this is too funny! You’ve watched my husband and I try to give our cat a pill, haven’t you!
Anyone with a cat knows how they like to flop down in front of you, like “notice me, and how cute I am” kind of thing. My can did that one late night, dark room, didn’t see her, and I stepped on some part of her. She bit me in the calf muscle. I don’t know who screamed the loudest. I knew the bite could be a problem and went to the urgent care the next day. I went through two rounds of antibiotics and cellulitis of the lower leg, plus a dime sized scar that will never go away.
The cat’s fine.
I have absolutely had days like that.
love it, can’t wait for the final installment.
Such a great family! I could read a whole book about them!This is great and such a treat Thank you 😊
Thank you for the wonderful story!!! I’m so curious how much of this is “Lifetime move exaggerated” and how much actually happened. I’m sure it wasn’t fun to live through in real life, but as a story this is hilarious!
1) I want to preface this by saying both that I MEANT to post this on Tubbs: Part 1, and kept forgetting and that I currently live with 3 cats and have lived with 7 that I’ll call mine and 10 others over the last 25 years.
Cats are ASSHOLES. Innately, instinctively, profoundly, and professionally just assholes. The soft fur and purring are so we don’t realize this and murder them.
2) this bit:
“It will be okay. We got this. We’ll fix this right up. It’s just two small, tiny punctures. Very tiny. Like can barely see…”
“Laura?”
“Yes, honey?”
“I love you.”
Oh. “I love you, too.”
“I’m not one of our children. I’m a grown ass man, and I’m older than you.”
Is nothing but wonderful. I love it.
very smart of the kids to call the paramedics, before mom arrived to save the day.
and *giggles* at the kiddie bandaids being the only ones left. been there done that!
Thank you for this. I really needed a mood lifter.
And why are Lily’s eyes blood red?
cue music of doom.
John looked up. Lily was standing by the island. He almost jumped. His twelve-year-old was going through a goth-anime phase, and he never knew what she was going to look like. Today she wore a black tank top with a black frilly skirt. Her white hair – Laura had dyed it for her – was loose. Her face was deathly pale, her lips were black, and there was entirely too much black eyeshadow around her eyes. He’d been told it was called smoky eye. She looked a bit like a panda.
Also, her irises were red. Blood red.
“Are those contact lenses?” Please be contact lenses.
“Yes. I can’t find Tubbs.”
My family wanted to know why I was laughing like a loon. I simply said, “BDH”.
That was all that was necessary.
Joyfully light-hearted fun! Two mates who like each other! Thanks!
Don’t you dare stop now!!! We HAVE to know what happens next!!!
part 3 was posted hours ago 🙂 https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/the-life-and-trials-of-tubbs-part-3/
Oh Tubbs, you naughty boy. Here you have gone and caused so much trouble on your walk about.
Goodness gracious! That powerful woman …that poor little Courtney …ROFLMAO
OMG, thank you, I am still laughing.
Bwahahaa!! That was totally hilarious 😂. Love it!