Thank you for the concerned emails. Nothing terrible happened.
We had a rough week. We are still putting the house back together from the floor replacement. I had a really lousy reaction to the tetanus shot. My arm swelled, the injection site turned red and hard, my lymph node in my arm pit swelled to the size of a golf ball, which made lowering said arm hurt, and I ran a fever and enjoyed several days of joint pain.
On Gordon’s side, he doesn’t do well when the environment is disrupted – all of the military spouses are nodding right now – and so it took him a bit to get back to normal with sleeping.
To top it off, Kavanagh got confirmed and my father contacted me to let me know he will be arriving for a visit. In two weeks. To those of you unfamiliar with my father, he is almost 70 and he loves me very much, which is why he tries to pack years of parental lectures into a two week visit. 🙂
Sadly this need to lecture results in me being a bad daughter, no matter what I do, because lecturing a good daughter is not as much fun. My incompetence extends into every aspect of my life. For example, during his last trip, he has informed me that a) I am buying the wrong kind of pans (nonstick) and b) I am washing my nonstick pans incorrectly. How I survived to my forties with my pan buying choices I will never know. This is the man who, when I called to tell him that we have hit #1 on NYT said, “Yes, but when will you go back to school and get your bachelors?”
Normally we drag him down to Florida so he can swim and relax, but there is no Florida this time. So far things aren’t looking great. He hasn’t called in weeks, until he announced a month ago that he needs the invitational letter, which I had immediately written. Next thing you know, he is informing us of the flight.
Me: detailed email about sending him $2,000 for the round trip ticket via wire, arrangements, and other family matters.
Him: Silence for three days, then “Got the money.”
Which just made me fussy beyond reason, because of the stunning fail of basic parental interaction. “Thank you, I’m looking forward to the trip.” “I’m excited to see grandchildren.” “I hope everything is okay.” “Can I bring anything?” Any of those would be fine.
“Got the money.” Oy.
We still don’t have shades on our windows. I hope they will get installed before he gets here. I need bed tables for the guest room. I need bathroom things. I need… Nevermind.
So, as you can see, we have had a rough week, and so the writing isn’t going fast right now. We are working on it.
What a wonderful way of saying I’m not thinking of you right now, go away.
These are the days of ‘yes ma’am/sir’ that will bring laughter and joy to your memories of your parent.
B well
Sry about your week, although I love hearing about your dad visiting. Remember the garage door ??
My mother had major surgery right before I left for China. I text to check up on her. I get … I guess your text works in China. I ask questions re: her recovery. I get one word replies: OK, good, yes, no and fine. No details, no elaboration and I can’t phone her. At best I could tell until yesterday was that she was still breathing. I don’t know what I was expecting, last year she wait almost a month before telling me my 70 yr old father fell off the roof.
Yeah, when your elderly relatives say everything is fine over the phone – trust but *verify*. My family learned this the hard way this summer.
Schedule some wonderful treat for yourselves after he leaves. In the meantime, consider yoga. A good instructor will be able to adapt poses for physical limitations, since pretty much everyone has at least a few. And the breathing is So. Helpful. Hope the arm feels better soon. Those who said to report it were correct – that is data that should be recorded.
True. You might be allergic to the preservatives or other components used in making the vaccine
My dad was always very proud of us. He bragged about his daughters all the time… Total strangers told us this at his funeral. But we only saw him every 3 or 4 years. He never made any of our graduations or special occasions. When my youngest sister… The Baby… Was going to graduate from high school he’d told her he would make it. Then he changed his mind. She cried. The word went around pretty quickly that dad made our baby cry. He got a bunch of calls very quickly…better change your mind on that one…I told him it was his last chance… and he did make it. Pissing all of us off is a bad idea. And while “the baby” is 42 now, making her cry is still a bad idea.
Yeeep. *Never* make *my sister* cry!
You both need to take care of yourselves and your family. We of the BDH can be patient. No – don’t laugh, we can!
I hope you are feeling well soon. It’s especially hard to get things accomplished when you are feeling cranky and hurting.
+1
+1 Well said! You don’t need to have any other concerns on your plate right now, it is full enough! Although it might not seem so on occasion, *cough*, we (the BDH) can exercise restraint in waiting patiently for any writing you may so generously wish to share with us. ?? No one can drive us quite as crazy as a parent!! Your dad sounds exactly like my mom!! ? You have my sympathy, as well as my hope that this visit turns out well. Make sure you have a stash of chocolate on hand, just in case!! ?
Thank you for the awesome Innkeeper, and that you thought enough of the BDH to keep working on it despite all of last week’s challenges you had to deal with.
In all the darkness, your stories provide a much needed respite! I hope things start looking up this week.
My FB feed is so screwed up! This blog post is only in your/my blog and if I hadn’t gotten curious about the comments for Chapter 15 part 3, who knows when I would have found it.
I have to say that your father sounds a lot like my mother, may she rest in peace. And I have a hard time missing her presence even after these many years.
I don’t have problems with Tetanus shots, but way back in the 1970s I had a second small pox vaccination for over seas travel. The reaction was similar to your Tetanus shot. You have all my sympathy! Thank you for for keeping on…
Please take care….parents are…..the inverse of your children in their teen years. My 33 yr old daughter just spent 9 hours with me and her 82 year old grandmother on Saturday, as we took her to deal with her fur coat. I was told a fib about taking it to be cleaned, actually this was an expedition to trade it in for a new fur coat….which involved me driving into New York City because mom is a bit too frail for subway staircases. Paying $50 for 3.5 hours of parking. Finding somewhere to feed the picky eater that Mom has become (she chased the nice salad and grilled chicken at the bistro with Dunkin Donuts a french driller and a jelly donut. It was a VERY long day. Worth it, but all I could do was eat an English muffin and go straight to sleep when I got home.
Regarding dad, buy the shades and let him put them up. You have a new house so there must be lots of little projects he can do like shelves in the garage etc. When I go visit I’m good for about two days then I need a project to do. Last visit I did a universe side table for my grandson and at Thanksgiving I’m doing granddaughter’s dresser and mirror. I enjoy it and it’s useful along with a little laundry and a few meals.
That sounds like a great idea, but remember to hide the working computers….
Ugh, sorry about all of that.
Your father sounds a bit like my FIL. My wife, who speaks 4 languages,, moved America, built a successful photography business, and is an active mother to three daughters. When she asked him if she’d ever done anything to make him proud, told her “You married the right man,” which if you knew me is so obviously rediculous as to be a joke.
He does love her, but takes lots of pains to make sure that nobody, especially her, can easily tell.
Ugh, your father sounds like someone that’s better appreciated from a distance. My parents are like that. I hope that you are able to get some time of your own during this visit. It sounds like you will need it. Yo, Gordon, can you pull a Curran and find a refuge for you guys away from the overbearing Pack parent? Doesn’t have to be an apartment. Could be an afternoon at a hotel because “deadlines.”
Considering all you’ve been through, I thought your post was amazingly calm. I hope your arm improves soon. That alone is enough to derail matters. And the father situation is enough to derail Kavanaugh thoughts, and that is huge. I will stop on that subject. It brings on tears if I linger.
I hope you can enjoy your father’s visit. Is it wrong to be glad you don’t have a deadline looming?
Hugs.
Agree with you completely!
I remember your writings about previous dad visits. Especially when Gordon felt compelled to buy all new tires just before you were supposed to hit the road. (That’s how I remember it, anyway.) The time you and the girls get to spend with him is important.
Also, this week’s chapter of Maud is OUTSTANDING!!!!!!
Bachelors? You have Gordon, what do you need bachelors for? 😉
Hope you feel better ASAP. Shot reactions suck.
Still fascinated to see how you two are going to finish twining Arland and Maud together with the wedding party problems. Looks terrific. Am thoroughly sucked in. Add one to the tally for BDH. 🙂
Yeesh! That sounds like dreadfulness pulled on dreadfulness. I hope the visit goes better than one would expect and that you’re able *both* to connect with your dad as much as possible *and* to get the time to yourself/yourselves you need to stay centered. 🙁
i think Oy covers the whole parental issue pretty well.
Take care of yourself
Glad you’re not dead! I was starting to worry.
Take a deep breath.
Do what you need to do.
We’ll be waiting whenever you get back to us.
We love you 🙂
(The suggestion about having little projects like the blinds ready for your dad to do sounds like a good idea. I’ll definitely do it when my dad visits!)
Hang in there! Do what you’ve got to do to stay sane and healthy!
My mother-in-law’s favorite line was she’s fine. Never mind the golf ball sized gall stone that tore out of the gall bladder and is blocking her intestine. Or the shoe with the hole she wore to the family event when you’ve specifically asked if she needed shoes. I’m betting it’s age related – somewhere around 70s they start saying f* it.
No one pushes my buttons like my parents. But I love them just the same. Be strong! Hope you both get back on even keel stat.
You dad may not realise what a big deal #1 in NYC is. He may be proud of you because you accomplished something you think is worthwhile. Find a person who he would trust to explain just how many books are written in English and of those how many get to #1. If he found out, he would really care. I know alot of Soviets (I lived in Moscow 30 years so Soviet is not a bad work just a description) and whilst literature is a big deal, there is no realisation about the business of books. I hope this doesn’t come across as a trite comment. I’ve seen just how much culture and education can shape people’s expectations.
Famiy comes first. Always. My Dad and I had a very strained relationship due to his need to judge and preach until the last 6 months of his life, when he realized what he’d missed by being an ass. We found our way thtough his regrt to peace.
Y’all need a break, especially after family visits. No matter hos good they are, they’re exhausting because they’re a LOT of work. We get Sweep of the,Sword when you have time. It’s your gift to give. Personally, I’m just hoping for some peace in your lives because you’ve earned your HEA too.
Hug! Now, breathe, release, next breath, hold, release, repeat.
Been there, done that.. mine was my paranoid, schizophrenic, with suicidal tendencies mother. My last visit with her started with “Get your hair out of your face” repeated for several minutes.. until I undid my hair style and I scraped it back tightly to a ponytail atop my head. (I was in my early 50s) This was the first time my husband met my mother. When we left he told me I never had to return. I never did, at my doctor’s orders due to altitude sickness.
Therapy helped me cope with her and her input on how I should behave. Boundaries were a critical tool. As was blocking her ability to phone me. She could write. I called her for the traditional holidays and she learned quickly that I would terminate conversations that bad mouthed me, family members, especially my father. (They divorced when I was 12, yet she was still harping on my 50th birthday?) She forbid my attendance at her funeral and recommended we toss her ashes in the trash. Sigh… she did not have a mentally healthy life. She is free now and hopefully has found peace.
The best power tool I found in my coping tool kit was to take her behavior and ask how I would respond if such words and tones were addressed to my kids that way. That helped with boundary enforcement. Maybe someday you can have a mediated conversation with a therapist in attendance. Family therapy can happen for adults…
Don’t let stressing over him and his words steal your joy. You are an amazingly talented author, gifted mother and wife. Outside approval is not required, despite being desired.
Just breathe, honey. We’ll wait. I expect each of us was sitting here nodding in sympathy as we read your post. 😉
(And this mom was wincing a little too … need to start policing myself in my conversations with my grown kiddos, I think.)
My Mother was the same way…Control Freak, and of course I don’t play well with others so it is mild to say we clashed. But she still came to stay with me a couple of times a year…I never killed her so it was all good. Best advice from me to you…Try not to grit your teeth hard enough to crack your teeth, it is expensive to get crowns.
You have my sympathy My dads not that bad when he visits, the worst I have to deal with is trying to stop him balancing precariously on a chair to do some bit of DIY as he is the ‘Man of the Family’ he’s also nearer 80 than 70.
Mum however I think she is possibly a cross between Nanny Ogg of Terry Pratchett’s weird sisters (the daughters in law live in fear) and Aunty B. She’s under 5ft (several inches under but we’re not allowed to say this) has weighed around 6 st for most of her life and spend 30 years as a nurse in the NHS now retired.
She definably views herself as the matriarch of the family and every time she visits we have territory wars. The first of the big wars (for once I stood my ground) was the curtain war. I was still at university & did not have a big budget so got some brown wool curtains from a charity shop for the spare bedroom. Mum did not like them. She bought several alternatives all totally impractical for floor length curtains in a cat household so I refused them.
She claimed the current curtains gaped for her first visit she put a peg on them to keep them shut as time went by the number of pegs went up. Three years latter when I as in works & could finally afford to buy new curtains the war ended, we were up to 8 pegs by then.
I leave 350 miles from my parents, my sister recently moved into a small 1 bed home 20 miles from them. She says the best thing about moving out of their house is that mum no longer supervises how she loads the dish washer. Rachael got the kitchen curtains for her place from a charity shop, mum visited a couple of weeks ago and declared they let too much light through.
My sister and I love our parents but we are both very glad we don’t live with them or each other.
Enjoy your fathers visit and in times of stress remember he has a return ticket
Seems like my life was crazy like yours just the other day. But no, it was actually ten years ago. Eventually the house fell into place, one by one the parents passed, and the kids grew up. Our last child headed off to college last month and suddenly, our beautiful house is quiet. I can’t say I MISS the craziness and frustration that you’re describing, but I remember it fondly. Treasure every single drop of these mad moments – and take care of yourself!
Your description of your father sounds just like my mother. Unfortunately, she lives with us. I am 70, and still being treated like a child. We do not get along. At all. Good luck with your dad. At least he will eventually go home.
BTW, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your books. Please don’t stop writing until after I die. Thank you.
My mom has lived with me for the last 16 years. She has lewy body dementia now. The hardest thing is not to argue with her. She used to be the smartest person I knew. I am trying to keep her at home as long as possible.
I’m really enjoying all these vignettes of family interactions! One of the side effects of my weird family is that there are the people I don’t talk to*, and the people I have close, adult and… really nice relationships with. There isn’t a lot of middle ground. Unless you count the people I’ve been out of touch with and am trying to get to know better?
I’m loving my family right now. My favorite aunt is trying to step in and provide quasi-parental support, which is… kind of weird, because I’m really not used it that? But it’s also incredibly sweet, and she’s my favorite aunt, so it’s okay from her. (…and we had that talk about whether my aged mother is at physical risk from my brother, which is just nice to have someone else looking in to. This is my former CSI / homicide detective aunt, so while I didn’t my her day any better, I know she can handle it?) We’re working out plans for my sister’s move, and my nephew’s getting closer to getting his own place. (Okay, and my brother found my twitter account and shat all over it – nothing like getting out of a hot bath to that kind of abuse! – but that’s what ban hammers are for.) It would be so nice if I had any clue where I’d be working in another five years so we could really make long term plans, but that’s academia, unless I bail on it. But we’re also making plans to visit said same aunt, and maybe our uncle in Alaska, too. (As well as non-family connected places.)
…and work stress is still work stress, but whoever heard about quick turnaround from JEB, and reviewer and editor comments that were *all* thoughtful, informed and helpful? I mean, when does that happen?
* and in some cases have taken legal action against. Or in the case of my brother, blocked all his accounts when he started sending me threats, and will contact appropriate folks if it looks like he’s amassing weapons.
I too have enjoyed the stories of family. It also makes me realize that I am lucky and blessed with my family most of the time. ? I did have to take my Dad (who doesn’t have much patience) to California’s DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) twice this summer. If people don’t know it has been a zoo this summer and even if you have an appointment it can take hours.
I am sorry to hear about your brother. I hope you and your Aunt are able to keep an eye on your Mom.
DMV is usually terrible – especially so is more than I want to think about. (The last time I went – in WA – I think there was a web page that list average waiting times? I was with one of my senior Chen students, and we found a reasonably near one with a short wait. Which I should keep in mind if I’m going to keep not getting an Ohio DL…)
I’ve mostly washed my hands of both my mother and brother, so it’s kind of a question of that last bit of long distance monitoring. (Especially since what they both want from me – and the other relatives I like – is attention.) Most of my brother’s online shenanigans are gross, but pretty ignorable (though I’ll go in for the occasionally bit of public mockery). I’ll occasionally get involved if he’s sending someone death threats because no one needs that shit, or if he’s gotten thrown out of somewhere interesting, see again, public mockery. (My mother is a deeply problematic person in her own right.)
The pretty much get to deal with the consequences of their own actions… except, if I get wind of it, I will try to prevent GBH of each of them by the other or other people at their hands. (And I’d probably step in to deal with long term medical care if they’re incapacitated if needed.) I officially lifted my older sibling protections on my brother a few years back (the subject of the discussion was punching nazis, and hey, I’m not a fan of random violence, but if my brother is actively being a nazi, I’ll probably understand if you need to punch him. I might even send chocolates, if the situation were sufficiently dire.)
I think I know where the character of Roland comes from now! 🙂
while he is there, record him. he won’t always be there it will be nice to be able to hear his voice, no matter what he’s saying.
I live on the other side of the Atlantic – though it appears parents don’t seem to be different despite geography. I put my mother back on the plane after a visit and despite being 50+ was as close to dropping to my knees and banging my head on the floor as I have been since my children threw vertical tantrums 20 years ago.
Loving Maud and Arland – makes my Friday – ta!
Sounds like you had a severe reaction which should be reported to the FDA and CDC. You should have tigers drawn to see where you are at and probably be tested for allergic sensitivity. The severity of your symptoms need reported and follow up. I would not get another injection until titers were drawn to see if you actually needed a booster.
“You should have tigers drawn…”
Sometimes autocorrupt is just poetry.
+1 Not usually, though.
That’s a good idea for communicating with many people, including me.
Family drama. You can’t have a gathering without it, but I still want my family around me. Thank you for this safe place to just express an opinion on both sides about K. I think we need the talking to start again as discussion. I keep hearing people hurting.
My family is large, loud, and Italian (is that redundant?). We’ve found that keeping them well supplied with wine (and grappa for after dinner) keeps the lecturing to a minimum; it is replaced with rather emphatic story telling. Emphatic to the point that we no longer use breakable dishes and stemware. I’m not saying this is a viable strategy for everyone, but it works for us.
Sorry about your reaction to the shot. This happened to me as well, 30 years ago. The doctor told me then not to get another tetnus vaccine. Since then, I learned that if your level of the tetnus titer in your blood is high, this kind of reaction can happen. (I can’t speak to whether this is true for what you experienced, but I wanted to let you know.)
Now check my titer level via a blood test every 10 years or so to see if I need a booster. So far, I don’t, and I may never need one, so I may never need another tetnus shot. I sure don’t want another awful reaction.
On another note, I hope you do end up enjoying the visit with your Dad.
I will share something my Mom told me all my life, especially after my Dad (the Colonel) would pave/lecture me and my sister. She said that in life you will encounter many people who will judge you or try to tell you what you should do, but remember the only opinion of you that is important is yours. Never let others judge you, you give them too much power; no matter who they are!
I live with my mother and go home everyday. Whenever I get a mandatory leave from work. I go alone to a place without the nagging.
I’m sorry you had a bad reaction to the tetanus shot. Not getting it could have been worse. My grandfather stepped on a rusty nail and refused to get the shot. He died a very painful death from lockjaw. I hope you find something to enjoy with your father’s visit but no matter how old you get you will always be his little girl. If you disagree with Kavanaugh’s political views I have no disagreement with you on his nomination – everyone is entitled to their opinion. But as the mother of sons I am seriously alarmed at the belief that no woman would ever lie. Some of the most vicious lying people I have ever known were women. Additionally my family has experienced first hand the destruction caused when some therapist pulls out “hidden” memories, memories that never happened.
Hmmm, so it would seem that the ominous letters and the impending visit from your father roughly correspond. Curious that! Particularly peculiar is the problematic sartan selection (sorry got carried away). There is a common theme of disrespecting one’s elders and the insistance on the relevance of your age and past pan picks reflectively challenged by the vampire’s own disregard for youths smart mouth comments and resulting disciplinary decisions. It would seem that it is somehow correlational with the letters but if that doesn’t stick consider that the blog title forshadows a certain awareness to the reader: “We are not dead” How curiously close to the definative “We are Undead.” If that doesn’t sizzle your oil you are cooking in a dry pan. I will of course refrain from assessing the family relationships. That should be done in a more private setting. Enjoy your time with Roland, I mean your dad.
Fondely,
Old Enough to Know Better
(At least thats what my Mother said whenever I asked my age)
oh, parents. {{hugs}}
Blessing your hearts – your home – your health and know this particular fan can wait very well. Take care of all those details and have fun taking care of each other. Hugs to you both.
Having trouble with my own father. It’s too long and complicated, but I just don’t get it sometimes. What the heck happened. I’m in my 40s, and just got the job of hosting Thanksgiving at my house. No matter what I do or buy to make it festive and wonderful, he’ll focus on the things that are lacking. Like a fireplace. (Our home was built in 1780, it’s not going to be cheap or simple to open up the fireplace, which is nicely boarded up at the moment…)