Thank you for the concerned emails. Nothing terrible happened.
We had a rough week. We are still putting the house back together from the floor replacement. I had a really lousy reaction to the tetanus shot. My arm swelled, the injection site turned red and hard, my lymph node in my arm pit swelled to the size of a golf ball, which made lowering said arm hurt, and I ran a fever and enjoyed several days of joint pain.
On Gordon’s side, he doesn’t do well when the environment is disrupted – all of the military spouses are nodding right now – and so it took him a bit to get back to normal with sleeping.
To top it off, Kavanagh got confirmed and my father contacted me to let me know he will be arriving for a visit. In two weeks. To those of you unfamiliar with my father, he is almost 70 and he loves me very much, which is why he tries to pack years of parental lectures into a two week visit. 🙂
Sadly this need to lecture results in me being a bad daughter, no matter what I do, because lecturing a good daughter is not as much fun. My incompetence extends into every aspect of my life. For example, during his last trip, he has informed me that a) I am buying the wrong kind of pans (nonstick) and b) I am washing my nonstick pans incorrectly. How I survived to my forties with my pan buying choices I will never know. This is the man who, when I called to tell him that we have hit #1 on NYT said, “Yes, but when will you go back to school and get your bachelors?”
Normally we drag him down to Florida so he can swim and relax, but there is no Florida this time. So far things aren’t looking great. He hasn’t called in weeks, until he announced a month ago that he needs the invitational letter, which I had immediately written. Next thing you know, he is informing us of the flight.
Me: detailed email about sending him $2,000 for the round trip ticket via wire, arrangements, and other family matters.
Him: Silence for three days, then “Got the money.”
Which just made me fussy beyond reason, because of the stunning fail of basic parental interaction. “Thank you, I’m looking forward to the trip.” “I’m excited to see grandchildren.” “I hope everything is okay.” “Can I bring anything?” Any of those would be fine.
“Got the money.” Oy.
We still don’t have shades on our windows. I hope they will get installed before he gets here. I need bed tables for the guest room. I need bathroom things. I need… Nevermind.
So, as you can see, we have had a rough week, and so the writing isn’t going fast right now. We are working on it.
Sak says
Sometimes life just throws a lot at you…thanks for keeping us informed. Take time for mental and physical health-that’s gotta come first, the rest can wait. Take care!!!!!
Ree says
Totally agree. Actually I was really wondering about the hands (from the blog post a while ago), hope all smooths out soon.
Michelle says
(Nodding understandably re: your dad’s communication)
My father hangs up the phone without saying “bye” or anything of the sort when he is done with a conversation. I have often holding the phone wondering if there is a connection issue. Mind you, I am in my 40’s. I don’t expect him to change. I have redial.
Ilona says
You feel my pain.
Michelle says
My husband does the same, but in person, not over the phone.
LCG says
My dad has the opposite problem. Says bye then carries on the conversation. Many, many times…
Judy B says
I have a sister like that,,, but we’re old, so, never mind eh
jewelwing says
LOL. My late FIL, a wonderful man in many ways, used to do the same thing. I think he didn’t like saying goodbye. Meanwhile, my mother had no intention of ending any conversation if she could avoid it. I once had to hang up on her because lunch had ended and my boss was standing in the doorway waiting for me. I explained this to her twice and she said OK and kept talking. I said, “OK Mom, I’m hanging up now,” and did. My boss and I kind of rolled our eyes at each other and went on our way. You can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your relatives.
Martha says
Sending you love and support from NY. You will get all the things before his visit. And then you will survive the visit. And then you will rest and recover.
❤❤❤
Kelly Jacobs says
Sorry you have not been feeling well. I stalk your blog ….and know that when the next chapter is ready you will share it and it will be worth the wait.
Thank you.
Christine says
Oh guys…Everything comes at once – you have survived before – you will be ok, your dad will be as he always is …. ?
Sending you a big hug and best wishes ?
Toni says
Those who relate raise their hands! Except my mother lives with me now and my brother, both in wheelchairs and her husband who is a mental health consumer with diminishing capacities due to mini strokes. He can’t hear well but is the only semi functional adult to help me out. After 30+ years my mother wants him gone. I should mention he’s 5 years older than me, 3 than my brother.
Ilona says
Oh wow.
VeronicaK says
Yikes, I feel for you! Rock, meet hard place, meet Toni squeezed in the middle.
Judy B says
Has anyone nominated you for sainthood ????
I live alone, on a few acres of land by a small lake in rural Canada. Quietest place in the world.
If you ever need to flee,,, just for the purpose of remaining sane, message me, come visit.
I’m absolutely serious.
Tylikcat says
Darn.
Please tell you have some kind outside support? Breaks?
jewelwing says
Seconded. Sainthood is all well and good, but you need some occasional relief.
Carolyn says
Thanks for letting everyone know. We do worry!
MichelleD says
Take whatever time you need. The BDH has as many pairs of big people pants as we need.
As for your father. I feel for you. I moved into a much smaller apartment than I’ve been used to last year and after a visit from my mom, I’ve decided that for both of our sanity that she is banned from visiting me here. Hang in there. It could always be worse!
Kathryn Townsend says
I’m glad you’re not dead. I’m sorry life is…well…life. Thank you for the update. I’m sure when the scene is done it will be awesome and we will enjoy it all the more for having waited.
Be kind to one another.
Jessica says
Also glad you all are alright. Innkeeper will keep, and surely be worth the wait. Good luck with everything!
AJ says
Am having one of my biannual father daughter visits now myself. Have gone to Gettysburg for 2 days. Generally involves him occasionally swearing at me and me threatening to push him down a hill (he’s in a wheelchair). We love each other and these trips very much but boy we can get kinda nasty. Usually it’s just funny bickering but it takes a couple days after he leaves before I stop snapping at my husband out of habit. So I feel ya!
Dianne R says
A college professor of mine once said “into every life a little rain must fall”…he did’t say it would be a frigging down pour!!! life comes for us all at one time of the other…enjoy it, there’s nothing else like it
Jacquie says
Oy! Indeed! Maybe my daughter-in-law’s trick to keep parents semi-busy? 1000-1500 piece jigsaw puzzles set up in the corner of the family room. Keeps us (me being one of the in-laws) involved with family but out from under foot. Otherwise, valium. Either you take it, or slip it in their drinks. (Just kidding).
Hope your father doesn’t read these comments.
njb says
I was thinking much the same. When my dad was still alive, I always made sure to have a multitude of small things for him to work on around the house. He did like to sit and read, but he also really liked to feel useful. I swear my mom lived to sweep out my garage.
My parents are both gone now, so just enjoy your time with him! And deep breathing to relieve stress. Or a glass(es) of wine!
Faith says
Thank you for letting us know you are alive. I was a bit worried truth be told.
I’m so sorry for the life issues. None of that sounds fun…at all.
As hard as it is, please TRY not to let his issues be yours. You guys are Clearly ‘good people’.
You are enough just the way you are. More than enough.
Virtual hugs, positive vibes, and unconditional love coming your way.
REPEAT – YOU ARE ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE!
Faith says
Apologies if that sounded like I was yelling at you at the end! After posting, realized might be read that way…
A says
Thank you for the update Been there done that Both of my parents are gone now but I still have the inlaws. Both of my parents have been gone for sometime and my mother passed while I lived in Alaska. She was the one who would make a match for your dad. Nothing was ever right and when any of us went on with life she would get on a mad at us time my brother and I seem to take turns at being the one in trouble.
Since Florida is out send him to MS Gulf Coast He can hit the casinos and the beaches here. Sorry to here about the bad time with the tetanus shot As with everything it will all change at some point. Just when that point gets here you are ready to pull your hair out. Take deep breaths and meditate. We’ll all still be here waiting when you are back to normal
Elmah1357 says
I feel your pain! But what can you do????
Kathryn Albert says
Thank you for telling us! That’s above and beyond. Please take all the time you need and know your fans support you. You are not just Authorlords- you are people.
Good luck with your dad and your house!
Allan says
I don’t mean to be offensive but I am curious if there is a little influences on the Roland personal there.
Allan says
Persona ** I love auto correct. ….
MichelleD says
There is a fairly strong theme of imperfect parents in most of their works, hmmm, interesting thought.
jewelwing says
There are no perfect parents, and no perfect kids. Think how annoying life would be if there were.
jewelwing says
There are no perfect parents, and no perfect kids. Otherwise life would be either boring or annoying.
jewelwing says
Hmm. The first one didn’t show up, so I didn’t think it went through.
Toni says
Is it evil that this totally cracked me up? (snort)
My paternal grandmother was the same way. I was supposed to know (I was informed) that she loved me best because I got the most “help” from her, and the suggestions were non-stop. She once told me that was because I was the only one worth training. (She said this in front of all of the cousins at Christmas. Yes, I was very popular that year. I was 11.) Argh.
Parents. Can’t kill them. Can’t sell them for parts.
Faith says
Lmao at that close! How awful for both you and your cousins.
VeronicaK says
I agree with Faith. The last line was priceless, and will be quoted!
Emily Bennett says
In my family it was “Brothers: can’t live with them; can’t legally mail them off to Timbuktu.”
Probably goes for parents as well, though it’s less relevant if your parents live far away, and less effective in a world full of cell phone reception and wifi. (As a side note, my brother is far less irritating now that he lives in another town, and I haven’t wished to ship him to another country in at least ten years. My Dad, though… sometimes I think a few days in Morocco might do him some good… lol.
I’m glad the Authorlords are okay and just having Life Happen; I too was worried.
Ana María says
Oh my. May the force be with you.
A few months ago, my mother in law visited for about a month and a half. She’s hard of hearing. We did everything in our power to make her feel welcome but she was unhappy. The visit featured gems like her taking on the phone, really loudly, about us, and how miserable the visit was for her. She would then tell us everything was fine.
Ilona says
My dad did that. He got upset because I wouldn’t let him cut a chunk of the sideboard and he Skyped with my step mom and snitched on me.
Irina: Sasha! (My father.) Don;t be a nuisance! I can see the refrigerator behind you. Is there food in the refrigerator?
Dad: Yes.
Irina: Go make yourself a sandwich and stop bothering the children!
I love her.
Lee says
She sounds like a treasure. Can she visit with him to keep him in line?
Pat says
Dear Authorlords, I feel the pain, my hubby and I each have a negative nancy parent, after nearly 30 years i realize it’s their issues, not ours. In one ear and out the other, which is easier said than done when they are actually here. Has he ever gone to vegas? They have sunny weather and great swimming pools ? southwest vacations has some decent pricing on some packages there. Good luck. Ps I think this is a parental emergency and calls for a writing hiatus.
Jo says
Yes. Writing hiatus time! Survival comes first. Unless it is therapeutic. Thank you for sharing.
PyeCat says
Sounds like you’re doing a good job of Keep Calm and Carry On.
I will enjoy the next chapter whenever it appears, and wish you the best getting through life’s challenges in the meantime.
Katie GT says
I feel your pain. Parents are so much more work than children. Good luck. So much good luck. All the good luck. You are amazing but its funny how as soon as they criticise you turn back into a 10year old desperate to prove that youre not wrong.
MaryW says
I can relate but I am the one who will be 70 at year end. We had an unplanned mini family reunion this week – one dil was not able to join us. All was great but it is nice to have a car again.
Bedside table : Crates with crib sheets work in a pinch. Or the cloth for the bridge table.
I will need to find out if I hang up with notifying the other party on the line…
Amanda says
Best of luck on the visit. My limit is four days. I’d need lots of me time for two weeks. I hope you can carve out some hours father free.
Kate says
{Putting on my amateur head-shrinker hat}
Realise that no matter how prepared you think you are, he will find something to criticise. If your place was perfect he wouldn’t feel like his presence would be needed in order to tell you where you are going wrong and he’d get all depressed over having nothing to tell you you should be doing differently. So why are you getting yourself all stressed about being prepared? ‘The criticizining’ will happen whether you stress yourself out about it or not.
With that realisation, be free, and stick a note pad and pen on the top of the fridge for him.
And perhaps mention to him on the side one day that you and Gordon are thinking of installing a chandelier. That should be a real conversation starter.
Meanwhile, my multi-tasking sister with two young children finds spare time to call me only when she’s using the toilet.
…
(plop)
…
(plop)
Would he be interested in helping you write a story about a garbage bin that out of the blue develops a personality and starts criticizing it’s elderly owner/householder about their lifestyle based on the things they chuck out?
Jo says
Laughing right now. Thank you. Plop…
VickieBC says
Yes, hilarious!!!!!!
Tamara says
OY! Indeed. I remember the last time you commented on your father visiting. Funny stuff if you are able to keep a sense of humour. Please write about it if you need to vent. We’d be happy to share our stories with you. For example, my Dad only knows how to turn the computer off. He never uses it for anything. But when my mom is working on a tricky issue in Photoshop he figures he is the expert and starts telling her she is just doing it wrong. Then I get the mediation call because I’m the IT support in our family.
Jan says
Glad all ok & hope all goes well with having your dad over. What are they for but to lovingly criticise your choices in life. 🙂
Give yourselves some well deserved time off with your family.
We’ll all be here when you get back!
Be lucky.
Jenn says
Had quite the argument with my own disapproving father last week. I think we’re back to speaking terms… I won’t get into the topic. I know many families are dealing with it, and we have restored our relationship back to the normal abnormal for now. Give me back the days when it was just my “failure” to dye my hair and cover up the grey that was his biggest problem among my ‘inadequacies!” Ah… the simpler times! My eye roll is so masterful now it should be an Olympic event.
Best to you guys. You’re the nicest authors for sharing so much,…I truly hope everything returns to normal levels soon…
Valerie says
Sending lots of positive energy. Family can be challenging even when they’re awesome. In my own family, cultural differences lead to all sorts of interesting miscommunications and mis-matched expectations. Good luck! We look forward to the next installment when you can get to it.
Colleen88 says
Well, even your brief blog was a welcome spark of laughter in a very long day. Breathe deep, gather your patience around you and remember how much you love him. My kids live far away, and I love to have them visit. I almost even begin to fret if it is too long between visits, but once they are actually in my house for more than a couple of days, I start thinking – “I saw your shiny, loving faces, so I now know for certain you still live, and now you can go home. Any time….” I have gotten less patient with out-of-town visitors, even those I absolutely adore, as I’ve gotten older. Even my husband starts to mutter “get off my lawn” under his breath, so I know he’s working on his cranky-old-goat image.
Darlene says
Am glad you & Gordon on path to recovery. However, my memory serves up your blog post-dad trip last year.
A word of advise – Hide All the Mechanical Tools, Garage Door Openers, Computers and Laptops. It will, hopefully, save your mental capacities. Maybe go buy a really cheap, used laptop, something to let him be “occupied & help fix?”
Otherwise – I hope you and your family have a wonderful reunion with your Dad. Go enjoy – the BDH will be here. 🙂
Gailk says
Wow , I was an only child . And my father died when I was 6. Have few memories of him , being carried, pipe smoke , getting toy bunnies and cats . And my first sentence was “Daddy take Dutch ( our dog) for walk.”
So I was raised by my mom and friends. The rest of the family abandoned us when my dad died.
I understand your conflicting emotions about your dad , but I envy you . You still have a Dad .
I don’t even remember how my dad spoke or laughed.
I know you lost your Mom to cancer, I lost my
Mom to cancer and dementia. I had terminal cancer, and I survived to take care of my
Mom. She lived 4 more years because of our love.
We wouldn’t let the cancer win. She fought very hard.
So, I know second hand,how difficult families are , but you are blessed to still have a Dad.
Please, take your time, I love your writing, it was one of the things that kept me sane when my Mom was dying. Kate and Curran became a safe place for me to visit .
And enjoy every day with your Dad, even if he never compliments you and your wonderful achievements as writer and parent .
jewelwing says
Best wishes to you, Gailk. You have had a tough row to hoe, and you are not complaining. That is pretty heroic.
Dawn says
Life can get complicated when we need it to be chilled the most. No worries about those of us who are true fans. We can wait until all your crazy is more manageable. But thank you for the update.
Hang in there! 2 weeks will fly by. Sorta. Kinda. Nah…it will be hell on earth, but you and Gordon will support each other. It will be ok. And all of us, will be here when the dust settles and you can think to write.
Best of luck! !
Keera says
We will be here when things better. Btw are you guys in the path of Michael? NC is in the end sites and I am not sure we can take it.
Ami says
Oh man. That’s brutal. All of it. I’m familiar w the never-good-enough-itis. It’s not pleasant.
Write when and as you can and we will survive just fine. I hope that shot forgives you ASAP. That’s a heckuva reaction, like probably needs reported bad. I’m so sorry.
Kathy Graham says
Figured something got in the way but really sorry to hear it was a freight train followed by a fully loaded semi followed by a errant comet. Take care please, all of you.
My dad, who loved me dearly, watched as I got an award after years of hard work in my profession and said “Kath, Why did you wear that dress, you’re not exactly built like a mud dauber anymore.” (Read small waist) To which my sister replied, “true, but she still stings like one”. Families huh…
Jo says
Erant comet… lol
jewelwing says
This is awesome.
jaqlee says
Reading this gave me flashbacks to my Russian host mother and her “working” with me for the purpose of “finding you a good man.” No matter what my grades were or how many lines of Evgeny Onegin I was able to memorize, the day was not worth talking about unless I had a successful interaction with a male of the opposite sex that was my age…
Almost ten years later, I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m dead because I’m still single and childless. She was a wonderful woman though and I can make killer pirogi using her recipe. 🙂
Eli says
I can imagine wanting to help, feeling frustrated at missing the day to day, saving up good ideas while far away, and ending up with criticism.
On the upside, he would likely be happy to help with curtains and other miscellaneous items. Of course, when he makes it home, there will be tales about home-making.
Or, you could look west – Arizona and California are beautiful at this time of year (and dry).
FBR says
Sorry everything seems to be hitting you at once. Best of luck!
VeronicaK says
Hang in there! I can’t believe you made the time to let us know about your week. I hope life eases up on you, even if the Dad doesn’t!
Julye says
When I was a teenager I my father was complaining about something. I don’t remember what. But I had a solution to his problem. When I suggested it, he looked at me with this surprised expression. Like, why would he want a solution?
It was then that I realized he just liked to bit** and moan. It didn’t really matter about what. My father was only happy when he was complaining about something.
So… maybe give your father something to complain about? Don’t get the night stands, give him stuff to make them himself… keep him busy. Or buy something from a yard sale that needs fixing and let him fix it… (based on previous posts about his visits). Take him to yard sales to find it?
Last resort, take him to the River Walk? Find a Texas beach for him to frolic at? In any case, good luck!
Bonnie says
Please take care of yourself and don’t worry about tables in the guest room, bathroom things, yada yada. It sounds like regardless of whatever fabulous things you do, it will not be right, so please, please don’t set yourself for disappointment and guilt. Do what you can to make his visit as relaxing as possible for YOU. If it makes you more calm to get bathroom things, then do it. But not because it’s going to make a big difference for your Dad.
As I was reading your blog entry, it reminded me of the scene in Magic Triumphs where Conlan is having the temper tantrum in the car. It made me think of my grandmother who was like that sometimes. She became very toddler-like as she aged. As I just went to look up that scene, it contains one of my fave all-time lines which makes me chuckle every time >> “…Conlan gave up singing the sad song of his people and fell asleep.”
Cynthia says
Had to have a tetanus shot myself last week. It hurt no more than the annual flu shot ( which will be given
this week at work as usual. It’s a job requirement). Sorry your tetanus outcome went badly.
Parents will be parents, the question is, will we be like them at the same age!
In a sad note I had to make that last final trip to the Vet this morning with my oldest cat ( 18 years). She was dying, slowly before our eyes this past week and this morning I knew the time had come. Its so hard. I hate those trips. I hate doing it.
kitkat9000 says
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve gone through this many times over the years and again this summer; it never gets easier. Regardless, your beloved pet is no longer suffering. Hopefully the happier memories outnumber the somber.
Cynthia says
Thank you kitkat9000
And your right, it never gets easier.
They always ask, “Do you want to go back with them (your pet)”
And I always say, “Yes”.
Why would I leave them to face this alone?
I like to think she had a good life with us.
According to ours children, who jokingly say ” Momma, you spoil these animals”.
Or, what was the other line, ” You treat them better than you did us”.
jewelwing says
You are a good mom.
Cynthia says
@jewelwing
Thank You.
kitkat9000 says
Oh, for the love of … I’m sorry that you were emailed (sounds like inundated) regarding concern/SotB. Honestly, life is what it is, no posting generally means things happened as they do. Certainly glad all is (reasonably?) well, but your health and family come first.
That Tetanus shot is horrible. Can recall the three I’ve gotten over the years- first 2 were easy, but the 3rd? Golf ball sized lump, pain, irritation and itching. So much itching. If my symptoms had continued any longer than they did I swore I was going to the hospital. Now I’m leery of what might happen should a 4th be necessary- but at least that’s years away.
My sympathies regarding dad’s visit. No matter how much you love them it takes time to prepare mentally for what you know is going to be an emotional time. Happiness he’s there, anxiety because you can’t do anything right. >_<
Hope everything goes better than expected.
Christina says
I got exhausted just reading that. That does not sound like a fun week at all
Totally get the parental lectures. I’m 39 and own my home but because I’m not married my parents think I’m incapable of taking care of myself….
Hope next week is better for you.
PSMH says
Ye gods. Sending love and solidarity.
Ky Cherie says
You need tequila and a bubble bath. Have fun. Do not stress about us, you’re obsessive fans, we will live vicariously through your previous work and be fine. 😀
booksdarling says
Oh my. Things have been a bit of a twister for y’all of late. And Hurricane Michael heading to Florida is just adding salt to the wounds, I would imagine. This summer we managed a little get away to Galveston/Surfside with friends. If you don’t stay on the main tourist drag, it can be a really great place to visit and get away from it all. This is the house we used and it slept a pack of people comfortably. Also, it’s pet friendly if yours can handle the drive.
https://www.vrbo.com/7011133ha
Anyway, sending hope for calmer times ahead.
Sharon Reeves says
I thought this was a politics free zone but I see by your comments above that I was mistaken. I wish I had not read this post. I probably won’t be purchasing your work going forward.
MichelleD says
You won’t be missed.
mel burns says
+1
Kate says
‘The non-political author has personal political views that I don’t share so I’m going to make a point of saying I’m not going to purchase their work’.
/eyeroll
kommiesmom says
If ever there was an illustration of “Cut off your nose to spite your face.”
If you choose your reading material by the political views of the author, you will lose out on a lot of excellent fiction.
Do think twice.
However, it’s your choice.
Ilona says
Oh stuff a sock in it. Everyone in the country has an opinion on Kavanagh one way or the other. The entire point of the damn place is to encourage everyone to have an opinion. If you are so unsettled by a mere mention of someone having a different point of view that you have to threaten them, well, good riddance. You might do well in a country where democracy isn’t in issue. The State will tell you what to think.
Kate says
+1
‘The State will tell you what to think.’
From what she wrote I think perhaps they already did.
Can I just take a moment to express my sympathies with my American reader counterparts. I know this has been a very tough, draining, and incredibly frustrating episode to deal with – no matter your political stance. Just want to remind you all (no doubt you’re probably already aware) that adversities such as this can either break us, or by working past them they can make us stronger.
Note – I mean stronger as in fixing the problem and becoming better for it, not becoming more belligerent over it. But then, I think most of you probably understand that too.
I hope you all find a way through this time to a better, stronger nation together. Best wishes.
Faith says
Thank you Kate. This has been a difficult and depressing week – for MANY reasons. I keep wondering why there has to be such outright hate, anger, and vitorol thrown around.
I too hope things can get better. In many ways across many dimensions. We aren’t required to all agree, but we should be respectful. Debate is healthy. Respect and listening to understand (not rebutt) are table stakes for civil discourse.
Please be kind to youself, your family, your friends AND those you diagree with.
MichelleD says
Ilona, YOU ARE AWESOME! That’s a perfect response.
sarafina says
+ 155,000,000
Tylikcat says
Ah, the classics…
Kate says
??
That’s a keeper Tylikcat!
jewelwing says
+1
Tylikcat says
Everything old is new again? The Golden Flounce, in various forms, originated from the mid to late nineties. Back then you had so many new people flooding onto the internet, many of whom were unused to text only communications and the many ways tone could be misconstrued, so the tendency for misunderstandings to occur and escalate quickly was marked.*
I can understand how there might be some confusion. The line between political and personal is sometimes complicated. I wouldn’t have brought it up directly, but I was really glad Ilona did, because darn, the last couple of weeks have been brutal, enough so that it’s slowed down my work at times. (I bet you could measure the effect across campus. Heck, one friend who is more of a social hub than I – a hacker, not an academic – has had fifty-seven female friends share their stories of assault with her in the last bit. Fifty-seven. I haven’t had that – but then, students come to me, so I hear those stories pretty frequently. And I have my own history.) And I wouldn’t have hesitated to bring it up indirectly if I was talking about how I was, while I wouldn’t want to argue the merits of the case here, as that seems unnecessarily divisive for the forum, it has a notable chunk to do with how I’m doing.
But… the giant public flounce is always sadly ridiculous. And worse when pared with a threat. Worse yet when directed at a gracious forum owner. Agree or not. Discuss, or not. But that’s just childish, rude, and petty.
* I put in a bunch of time as a moderator around, then, though I swear, it was less because I was a peacemaker than because the long posts I wrote about seeing both sides and how they weren’t really that far apart bored people past their anger.
Patricia Schlorke says
Applause! Applause! ??
Ilona says
The thing is, if someone is a conservative, or Republican, and they come here, they are welcome. I don;t mind if I am disagreed with.
I hate this tribal mindset where if you don’t agree with me, you are my enemy. We are supposed to disagree. That’s how we figure out what to do. But attempting to force me to shut up by suggesting that unless I agree with you, you will punish me isn’t going to fly.
Faith says
There’s been such a mob mentality this past few weeks. Joint celebration in others pain / at the expense of other humans has been the most painful observation. So much “us vs them”
I was reading Sweep in Peace today. We could all use a little of the mind meld at the end. We need to find commonalities and feel empathy. Our views may change when we walk in someone elses shoes.
Peace, Namaste.
jewelwing says
How do people think the freaking Constitution ever got written? The Founding Fathers argued over the wording and placement of every phrase, FFS. That’s the foundation of this country: compromise with those whose ideas are different from your own. I am struggling to avoid the phrase “sniffing your own emissions” at this point.
Faith says
Sniffing your own emmissions – totally hysterical!! I need to remember that phrase. Thanks for the belly laugh!
jewelwing says
Feel free to share! It is so often appropriate in the current siloed climate – on both sides.
Aneira says
“Oh look, Ilona expressed her disapproval of someone unsuitable rising in a position of power. How could she? I’m no longer a fan.”
Never mind that that someone has been accused multiple times of sexual assault and has an unprogressive, backwards stance on abortion.
Bye! We’ll miss you. NOT.
kommiesmom says
Thank you for the update. I hope you both feel better soon.
Don’t worry about Innkeeper. Let it marinate in the back of your brain while your Dad is here. Who knows what might grow while you aren’t stressing about it.
I worked with a couple who started every day with an argument. It was how both of them were raised. In their minds, you didn’t love someone you couldn’t be bothered to scream at. Listening to it bugged the dickens out of me, but it worked for them.
Your Dad loves you. He probably can’t figure out how to say it, but he wouldn’t make the effort if he didn’t care.
Dawn Page says
Thank God you are not dead in a ditch! I was so worried.
Dawn
RN note: you are now officially allergic to tetnus vaccine. Don’t do it again.
Dawn, RN, BSN
Divya says
That may not be an allergic reaction. Just expected possible side effects. And if you’re concerned talk to your doctor. And this is why no one should take medical advice, including mine, without talking to an actual live medical professional. I’ve included the link to the CDC website about the Tdap vaccine if anyone is curious.
https://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/hcp/vis/vis-statements/tdap.html
Gloria Magid says
Nobody can push your last button better than family. My parents are gone now, but my step mother (Mom died when I was 29, later Dad remarried) could find fault with pretty much everything. I remember her telling me in no uncertain terms that I needed to bring the rocking chair in my baby daughter’s room downstairs, because that was where I should rock her. (Which would mean carrying the sleeping baby upstairs without waking her to put her to bed, rather than just getting up and laying her in her crib!). After my Dad was widowed a second time, he said no more spouses, but as he got older, he too could push buttons, because all filters disappeared and he just said whatever came into his head, whether it was appropriate or not. And since he was hard of hearing, he would say these things loudly. It wasn’t so much about us (my brother and I) – he would comment (loudly, remember) about the appearance of strangers in the grocery store or at the next table in a restaurant. I loved my dad dearly, and I know he loved me, but still, there were times—!
All this just to say that I feel your pain, and hope the visit goes better than you fear. Sorry about the bad reaction to the shot, too. Never rains but it pours.
Lisa V says
you do you, will wait….
Tasha says
This!
Ms. Kim says
+1
Judy B says
There is a scene in, “Gunmetal Magic,” (you know a movie based on that book would eclipse, “Star Wars,”) anyway, I think it’s in that book, Kate and Andrea are at lunch and Kate listens to Andrea’s sad tale of woe, and then tells her her life sounds like a soap opera,,,, I have to say that truth is stranger than fiction.
Good luck with your dad, I hope his visit surprises you and is a joy to your entire family. Hopefully all the other upsetting life events will be resolved.
Thank you for the heads-up about all of it.
Judy B says
oi ,,, I meant your life is stranger than fiction
Rebecca says
Thanks for letting us know you were okay, I was getting concerned myself and I know I’m not the top worrier of the BDH.
I know you will have a great visit with your dad, and I’m absolutely sure that he will fuss at you “for your own good”. LOL! Do you remember when he pantomimed the car flipping over when trying to explain to your husband that he had to get new tires for it? I have loved your dad ever since that story.
Take care of yourselves and we’ll be ready to pounce on the next installment of Innkeeper whenever it shows up. We stalk the blog, so we’ll KNOW when that is! 🙂
Macawesome says
My cousin had good advice about dealing with parents (hers were rapidly aging and her mother was rather a perfectionist). My cousin said: “the bible says you have to ‘honor your parents.’ That doesn’t mean that you can’t be frustrated with them or that you have to listen to all their complaints or not get upset with them. Just honor them.”
I found it a useful thought especially in dealing with my in-laws.
Best of luck with the visit.
Ilona says
Yes. That. 🙂
Patricia Schlorke says
I agree on so many levels. 3 months before my dad left this earth, I got reminded on that passage in the Bible. Plus the rest of that verse: “Honor your father and your mother so that your days will be longer on this earth.” I also got reminded of the word “and”. I wanted to help my mom a lot during that time. My dad? Not so much since I didn’t have much of a relationship with him.
Sandra says
Yay for not being dead, that is good news!
The tetanus reaction sucks, I had that at 15? Whenever the first booster was anyway and was told no more of this for you, then I got paranoid about lockjaw etc…
I hope it all settles down
sarafina says
Growing up on the farm, it wasn’t really summer vacation until I stepped on a nail with bare feet. Tetanus shots were a common occurence, but I don’t think I ever had a reaction since I kept getting them.
Claire M says
Go do family. The writing can wait. We can too. It’ll be worth it. Not sure why family can drive us so crazy yet we love them so much. I hope the visit goes better than expected.
I hope the arm is better now too. Never had that sort of reaction, but suffer with chronic muscle and joint pain so I empathize!!
Elenariel says
I fell you: my mother’s the same.
? Could you arrange a letter as the Jeaniene’s misplaced one for your father too?! ??
Elodie says
Oyeee, so much things on your plate, good to know you’re fine despite everything going on ! Take your time we can wait, respirez et reposez vous bien ?
Courage for your father, can relate, mine is complicated too… Fathers ?
Sending you, Gordon and your lovely family lots of good vibes ~~~~
Angela Allen says
Good luck with the Dad visit. ❤️
Ann says
Take care! Words are best in their own time, no matter how many times I hit refresh this weekend. 😉
Carol Andrea Murphy says
Families! Aieeeee! I am praying for you.
Nancyc says
Guest that stay too long! This reminds me of a Reader Digest story I read a long time ago. (Amazing how long, as I’m only 29. Okay, okay, 29 plus tax and ah… interest, yeah maybe like credit card interest and um… maybe some fines and penalties for early withdrawal?) Anyway, the story goes that a couple had people come to visit with no exit date in sight, so after dinner one night the husband put his dirty dish on the floor for the dog to lick clean, then returned the dish to the china cabinet and “wolla” the guest left the next day. I know that won’t work for your father’s 2 week visit, but may give you something to laugh about while he’s there. Love is sometimes hard. (If it was me, I think I’d wait until he asked 3 times before sending plane tickets.)
Judy B says
LMAO
About 20 years before you were probably born, Ann Landers used to write an advice column for newspapers, and someone wrote and asked her about getting rid of people who always arrive as you’re putting dinner on the table. She asked her readers to let her know how they dealt with this, and one of them wrote that on Sunday the brother in law and his family always showed up after churc. The last time they did she put the plates on the floor for the dog, picked one up, said, “oh look it’s so clean I don’t have to wash it,” opened the cupboard and placed it inside.
It’s become an urban legend of sorts,,, and even got promoted to, “Readers Digest.”
Nancyc says
Okay, the truth is I remember Ann Landers and her sister “Dear Abby”. Would you believe I’m still 29? Maybe started reading pre-birth?
Anyway, yes I’m that 4 letter word starting with “o” and yes it’s 4 letters – it end with an “e” – we had a lot more “e” back then and used to stick them on the end of words all the time just to get rid of them.
So can you tell this o**e person what LMAO means? Oh wait, I just figured it out – lol with a my a** on the end. Well I’m not going to waste a perfectly good post, so I’m sending this anyway!
(Yah – I just discovered I can use the return key here to make real paragraphs. I can’t do that on FB – it posts before I’m finished typing.)
Jo says
Laughing my a** off
Natalie says
This is why I try not to make plans. Soon as I have a set plan especially with a list, Life will run in, run around in circles laughing manically slinging generalized crapery about. It will then Moon everybody in my vicinity before blowing back out the door still manically laughing. Get some good rest and good luck!
Kat says
Oh my, sounds like fun and games.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to inform us.
There are times I’d like to pull the bedding over my head and wait for the whole “thing”* to disappear. Alas I’m supposed to be grown up, so that is not an option. Luckily my parents and in laws live near us. We can visit and if I’m at the end of my tether we can leave.
But look at the unfinished house as an opportunity for your father to find things he can lecture about. It’s a readymade target for him. You could give him a task. (Something easily undone after he leaves) 😉
I wish you an imaginary blanket to hide beneath if life happens like now.
Get well soon and don’t step on any more nails. I feel your pain.
*Exchange for appropriate unpleasant event (plague, invasion, famine, natural disaster … you get the drift)
Corrina says
LOL Nothing is as special as family. I moved 500 miles away from mine and they still try to pull me into the nonsense. It’s so nice to be able to put the phone down and walk away. I love them to death and would anyone one of them bury a body but I really like loving them from afar.
Amanda says
Now that I live 900 miles from my parents my dad (retired) feels he needs to visit every 3-4 months. We never do anything except watch TV together and it seems silly for him to drive 14 hours (he hates flying) just to sit in my house with my dogs. He always asks what I want him to do (not that it ever actually gets done) and says he just wants to spend time with me. The joys of bored, retired parents.
Good luck with the arm. My last tetanus shot they must have hit a nerve because it hurt for months (and I make a living burying instruments in the dirt of exotic locales so tetanus is a MUST).
Kristi says
Amanda, whatever do you do?? That “burying instruments in the dirt of exotic locales” has me wildly curious!
Nancyc says
Me too, me too! Are you an archaeologist hunter? I understand you can lore and trap them that way. (As long as you dispose of them humanly I don’t have a problem with that.)
Lynn T. says
Hmm. My first thought was that Amanda was seismograph sensor tech. But I had to ROFLOL about archaeologist hunter. Mother had words about Titan puppy digging 3 foot deep trench 50 foot across front yard on her last visit here. Now I can tell her he is doing an archaeology experiment.
I understand Amanda as I was veterinary tech for many years. Tetanus [around every 6 years due to injuries for me] and Rabies [every 2 years] vaccines were Mandatory. Life saving. But yes it hurts for months when needle scraps myelin sheath.
Rizel says
Yep! I feel you! Just got an extended visit from the in-laws. Love them but there are times that they drive me nuts, too. My parents would have been worst.? I just think of them as my kids sometimes coz they require a lot of your patience. But at the same time, the kids you can scold and lecture if they are wrong, your parents… not so much. That is the frustrating part. When that happens, i just think to myself that i will also get old like them and then i’ll be the one driving my kids nuts!?
By the way, take your time with Innkeeper. We can wait. And i hope you feel better.
Sending you lots of positive vibes!
KathyInAiken says
So sorry for the reaction to tetanus shot. As we age, our bodies do weird things. I had taken Prednisone many times in my life with wonderful results. Last year, it threw me into a major depression – I am talking about borderline suicidal. It is now on my DO NOT TOUCH list. Kavanaugh vote was devastating enough to throw many of us. I have nothing positive or humerus to add to that.
Feel better. Go to Bed, Bath and Beyond or Target and get emergency stuff. Ask doctor for Xanax for parental visit.
Shadowspun says
Having lost my father this past January & my plastic life partner in April, please just remember how much you will miss your father when he is gone, also, just imagine what he will look like if your answer to everything is. “I love you, Dad”
Shadowspun says
That should be platonic…not plastic darn you autocorrect
GailinPgh says
It did cause raised eyebrows.
Ms. Kim DeBois says
ditto
Karen the Griffmom says
My mind went to odd places . . . that movie, Lars something something . . .
Ilona says
I am sorry, I did a double take.
jewelwing says
I recognized autocorrect, but thought it might have been “fantastic”. In either case, sorry for your losses. I hope your life is getting easier.
Anthea says
*hugs*
Thank you for the update!
Viktoria says
Shame you are not in Australia. We could have introduced your Russian Dad to my Russian Mum and they could have had long conversations comparing the notes on their bad daughters who never listen and hopefully given both of us a break?
Kathryn says
Well, it’s nice to know that you’re not dead in a ditch. I was a bit concerned, but I assumed that you were just too busy to post, having a life outside of writing.
You have my complete sympathy over the upcoming visit from your father. Parents know how to pull the guilt strings, mostly because they installed them for you. Just remember, you have a large loyalty fan base and we will totally provide an alibi for you.
Lisa Anne Bruun-Seibold says
Innkeeper will wait. Rereading The Edge series. You – rest and relax until your father arrives. Spend two weeks with him and then pour all of your frustrations into a glorious, bloody battle scene…..Maud, Hugh, Kinsman (just reread those books), whomever. We will be here with nonjudgemental arms waiting your return to “normalcy”.
P.S. Feel your pain. Late father-in-law could twist my husband into knots with a single phone call.
Susan says
Wow! You have had a rough week. I have had no expectations of anyone especially because KAVENAUGH go confirmed.
Caro says
Sending you lots of positive energy and hope you’ll be well again soon and stay well too.
And that things with the house get sorted so that you can focus your energy on the upcoming visit.
Becky C says
Life happens. All of us are just muddling through. Hang in there.
SandyH says
So sorry about your week. Here’s hoping it gets better. I do understand about lack of parental support. Both my husband’s and mine were never supportative grandparents. You do survive. It can be rough at times but you have a huge following that wishes you well. Take all the time you need. We will be here.
Ginny says
well don’t worry about the writing for now; you have more than enough on your plate!! good luck with everything!
Virginie says
I’m glad you’re ok (mostly!) I hope you can settle soon, it should reduce your stress. I wish you patience and peace with your father. Big hugs
Anonymous says
well don’t worry about the writing for now; you have more than enough on your plate!! good luck with everything!
pklagrange says
Family first. Just got back from being with my mother through and after surgery. Luckily she didn’t need me for much physical help but it was a good thing I was there so she could tell me all the things I was doing wrong. I was therefore a great diversion! So happy to be home. Have a nice visit with your dad and have fun with your new house.
Drew says
As an old(er) dad I grew up in a time where men did not express emotions. I am trying to get better, but there are still times I find myself saying “I love you and care about you” by fussing. Fortunately I have kids who are a)patient with me and b)feel free to call me on my stuff.
PamG says
I no longer have annoying parents but I miss them.
Grit your teeth and endure, that’s the usual family conflicted thing , love and exasperation.
Lora Tyler says
Oh my! Now, I know where you get your parental information. You have it on the best authority, your own. You are awesome! I have parental issues myself. I understand all that you are saying. Thank you so much! Take a break and chill out! My Mom gives me anxiety as well.
Nis says
Yes, it’s been a rough week for women. That alone would be reason enough to disappear but you have a whole host of house related and parental issues, yikes! The best of luck.
On a side note, the sleeping Ilona Chibi is adorable 🙂
reeder says
Hope you feel better soon.
Sometimes I wonder if some seniors think internet calls still cost fortunes for speaking by the minute or typing per letter. Then they go using emoji’s or internet speak and make me question if the world is still spinning while muttering “this is totally not right. And what does this even mean?!!”
If your father is like Asian ones, he’s totally humble bragging about you to the neighborhood. Or not-so-humble bragging to absolute strangers. Where you can’t hear unless you’ve developed the well attuned ear of a tiger-mom’d-child who can hear their name across the house, down a floor, over all the people eating & gossiping just in case the “adults” are expressing what their “children” have done more right than the other kids. You know. As they do. Where you’re unlikely to ever hear them. Just in case you get a swollen head.
Omar Mtz says
I remember when he tried to fix the garage door sensor. That was fun.
Visiting family is always fun and hard at the same time.
Andri/Kaylenn says
And, of course, you want the new home to be perfect for your father’s visit.. I know, parents and in-laws both can put a lot of stress on you. If you need to take a break from Innkeeper and deal with home stuff and visit, go for it. We’ll be here after you’ve had a lovely visit. =) And hopefully not TOO much lecturing. =)
GailinPgh says
Much love coming your way. That is an awful set of circumstances.
I recall him trying to do home maintenance for you on a visit before. Is there anything he can fix up in your daughter’s apartment so you get some breathing space?
Mary H says
My sympathy for the poor sore arm and all its side effects, including Gordon’s insomnia. And Dad’s visit. See you on the flip side of all this.?
Katherine Nobles says
Моя семья – моя сила и моя слабость. Seriously. I feel your pain. May the visit be smooth, and your health improve! (And, I’m a military wife, too. Husband spent 23 years in the USMC. So I understand)
MerryB says
Hugs. May things calm down and stay that way.
Kadinh13 says
Hugs. I’m having issues with my Mom right now so you definitely have my sympathy. I hope it goes as smoothly as possible. Regarding the political shit storm, I live in a rural area an hour outside of Atlanta. I’m the lone person in my family who isn’t overjoyed.
Susan Linch Ravan says
Sounds like me-NW Ga. Family is split, so avoidance is a major strategy. We are commercial drivers, so it works pretty well.
Shadowspun says
Sounds like we have a parental unit cadre here in GA- I’m in Lawrenceville GA
Melissa says
Considering how brilliantly creative you two are with your plots, I’m a little surprised that you have figured out a scenario that would engage your dad, i.e. a mystery that needs solving, a body to be buried, a grandchild to be saved from an alien cult, etc.
Then again you probably have and ended up deciding that it was too outrageous to implement.
Whatever you do, don’t fix up the house for him, he may enjoy spotting all the ‘defects’. On a side note, the last time that my mom walked in my house declaring it was a pig sty, was the first time that I agreed with her. She never said a word after that. I guess I took all the fun out of it for her. So now I just cheerfully agree with any criticism and keep doing things my own way.
That and a lot of wine is what gets me through dealing with ‘helpful’ critics.
Cynthia says
I just moved my 87yo Mom in with husband and I. Sadly, I put my china in the dishwasher! I don’t hand wash my silverware! I use a steam mop for the linoleum when I should be on my hands and knees scrubbing. Oh, my house is filthy! I only have one set of cookware when I desperately need at least three. How is it that my pantry doesn’t hold at least a year’s worth of canned goods? Why is my carpet dark brown? Light/white is best. I don’t use placemats on my dining table? Where are the cloth napkins? I am soooo shameful LOL LOL LOL.
You’re not alone in loving them while tearing your hair out at the roots. GAH! ACK! My 17yo grand daughter is driving my daughter insane and all I got to say is … lifetime club membership sweetie! In a four generation family, we’re all whacked.
Huggggs!
Nancyc says
Aaahh – the mother’s curse. I remember my mom telling my sister “I hope when you grow up you have a daughter just like you”.
My sister did. I wonder if she ever pulled the mother’s curse on her daughter? I’ll have to ask her daughter next time I see her. She’s a mom now and I want to know if she’s following the family tradition.
Shlomi says
Oy!
Yeah, parents are a special thing, especially if they’re Older European ones. (At least, from my experience.) Deep breaths. Glad you’re still w/us.
Claudia says
Sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough time of it! I hope you feel better soon and get everything done in time for your dad’s visit. As disappointed as I am that there’s no new Innkeeper, I totally understand that life sometimes makes other plans!
Demi says
I was indeed concerned and hoped you would NOT be sick.
But of course you were.
I wanted to write to you on twitter if everything is allright,
but i feared you would think i am impatient, so…i didnt.
I wish for you to not be sick next year. A full healthy year.
I think you havent had that in the last few years.
I want it for you. Get better soon. Take care, get rest.
Yeah i know, the house, the visit.
Still. Please get better soon, rest a bit more. I dont say this
to patronize you. I say this because i want you to be healthy and happy.
I am nobody and still i worry about you.
Lots of love
korey says
This was my response to the “To top it off” and that K person news.
Kate says
+1
Fukitol. Wonder drug of the new millenium. Can I up my dosage?
CBS says
I’ve just been chucking stuff in the fuket bucket all week, but a RX sounds much better!
Oona says
Will they give me a prescription? Dad’s doing a flying inspection visit and I have entered panic mode. I Power washed deck re orged main floor furniture decluttering scheduled carpet replacement on stairway and maids to come. This week. But I have Left to do sooo much!! Re Tetnus. The vac reaction is not a joke so please take care of yourself. You can get some serious side effects.
Lou says
Glad you are alive. Sorry to learn you weren’t just enjoying a spa trip
Faith says
Love it! Very appropriate
Ilona says
+1
Angela M Lucas says
Make a plan
1. Honey-do list he can help with since you have had a run of THINGS happen. And new house.
We can help you with a lot of suggestions!
2. Schedule outings w/individuals or family group.
3. Tasks that require a drive. He can go or stay at house.
4. Start on a dinner/lunch menu.
Crockpot is your bff!! because pizza delivery is usually 1x.
5. Nyquil. Hooch. For him
And Belgian chocolates for yourself.
Katherine says
> To those of you unfamiliar with my father, he is almost 70 and he loves me very much, which is why he tries to pack years of parental lectures into a two week visit.
My aunt used to do the same thing. She is really nice…once she got to know me. Problem is, she kept forgetting that I am not her. I’m not even “most people”. So advice that would work for “most people” does NOT work for me and in fact just served to make me feel even more inadequate.
Surprisingly, Facebook has helped a lot. We don’t interact much but I know she sees all my posts and it helps her remember who I am and who I am not.
Lesley Nelson-Burns says
I didn’t know how to deal with my father (a Navy Captain – with red hair, the stereotypical temper to go with it, and a love of alcohol) until I was in my 40s. My father did not know how to receive the words “I love you” until he was in his late 60s. He didn’t know how to say “I love you” until he was in his 70s. I changed, he mellowed, but mostly I stopped allowing the emotional BS to have so much power. We became so very close the last many years of his life. That said – we lived close enough he never had to stay any length of time with me! Good luck.
LucyQ says
Best wishes on the parental visit. I always said my mom and I were true proof that two people could love each other unconditionally and still drive each other insane. 13 years after her passing, I miss her but still get annoyed thinking about her unsolicited “advice” (I needed to lose weight but was also a bad daughter for not eating all the food she put in front of me, plus I’ve been parenting all wrong and my house was always filthy). My dad is still alive and annoying me every visit. I get through it by filing away his pronouncements for laughing at later.
Oy on the tetanus shot. Hope you are feeling better soon. Please keep being your fabulous selves.
Cheryl says
Isn’t family grand? Hang in there. You’ll get through it. Life happens and you either roll with it or, if your one of Roland’s kids, stab it in the face. Since that’s not an option just know we love you, we understand and we’ll be happy with what you write when you write it. No worries.
E. Smith says
My Father drove me nuts most of the time but 12 yrs later I still miss him. Hope your Father’s visit is better than you are expecting and you are feeling better.
Cheryl B. says
Isn’t family grand? Hang in there. You’ll get through it. Life happens and you either roll with it or, if your one of Roland’s kids, stab it in the face. Since that’s not an option just know we love you, we understand and we’ll be happy with what you write when you write it. No worries.
Olya says
*big hug* I hear you! My parents are coming in a week, and will be staying with us for six months. No matter how hard I try, I am a disappointment to them. And now that my husband is divorcing me AND I lost my full-time job, it will be six months of disappointed looks and a lifetime of “you are a loser and without us you wouldn’t even have a house” comments whenever my Mother gets mad at me… Hang in there!
Lynn T. says
Olya, Counseling helps. It took me awhile to find one I ‘clicked’ with that insurance covered but was worth the effort. I felt like I was a big fat failure because Mother constantly told me i was 24/7 for years and I became one. You are what you believe you are is very true.
Faith also helps. That would be in yourself, in higher power, in others….
Good living.. Keep reading Ilona Andrews and whatever else you enjoy reading
Nancyc says
OMG – parents are suppose to love us unconditionally. It’s unfortunate you can’t tell them what a disappointment they are to you!
Six months – I’d be in therapy after 3 days!
Time for an attitude adjustment –
1) Your dumping you loser husband, but you letting him think it’s his idea so he has to pay for it.
2) Your exploring new employment opportunities. (Yeah, I know that’s weak but all I can come up with at the moment.)
3) Mom – isn’t that why you had children, so you could help the needy? Because your such a good “religion-member of you choice” and you always do it never expecting any “thank you”. So I won’t thank you cause I know it embarrasses you.
Best of luck and have a therapist on speed dial.
Ilona says
You are not a disappointment. You have made the right decision to accept divorce instead of trying to insist on prolonging the emotional angst for your kids and yourself. You will find a different better job. It is a new chapter of your life. It will all work out.
Donna says
When things seem to go sideways, take a deep breath and see if you can find some enthusiasm for the new and exciting things you’ll be doing.
I’m also going to tell you that you should never let anyone, especially a family member, try to convince you that you are anything less than wonderful. Tune them out, and if you have to, take lots of walks to get away from the noise.
Catlover says
My sympathy for your situation, been there. You paid taxes for all the social programs if you need them use them! Seriously, take stock of your resources, make an appointment and see what your options are. You need to be able to make informed decisions. That knowledge gives you the power to set limits on your husband and your parents. The only behavior you are responsible for is yours! Do not let anyone try to make you responsible for their choices.
As for your parents, it’s up to you to set the limits on what you will tolerate. I guarantee you are going to be stressed anyway and it will only get worse as the divorce progresses, so if they can’t or won’t be supportive why invite any more misery into your life.
Gabrielle says
Sending hugs and support. Please practice self-care. I love your writing and it is worth waiting for.
Cindy says
I’m sorry you’re having a bad week! And here I was hoping that you guys were just binge reading an advance copy of SHADES OF WICKED…
Lisa says
All I can say…WOW! Honey, I don’t want your life right now! LOL When it rains, it’s a hurricane on you! Sorry you have that kind of ‘visit’ with your Dad; but love that man to bits. Time passes fast when you’re not paying attention. Right now I would love to hear my dad lecture me on which side of the bread I should be spreading the mayo! 🙂 Just take care of yourself and get your body back into working order. Loving the Maud novella/NOVEL (tee hee). You make it as loooooong as you want. This one seems to be everyone’s fav. I’m currently reading your Kinsman books. Just anything y’all write is fantastic. Take care!
Cheyanne says
Favorite punkin authorlords stop immediately! Your life is starting to sound like mine. Nope. To make it better suggest giving favorite cat a stick of red licorice. They believe it’s tail and will play for hours. Best wishes. kids
Lynn T. says
Thank you, Ilona Andrews, for the blog. I was concerned about your life status. You reported odd communications last week in your blog. So, naturally there was concern….
Regarding tetanus shot, you do need to report all your symptoms to your doctor so your medical records can be flagged. Whether that was allergy or hyper immune response….. Shrug , it falls under General doctor needs to know. Next time might be ER. I am sure Gordon already looked up vaccine in PDR so he may have already told you this.
Regarding your Father visit, it is what it is. Family is family and they know what buttons to push. Remember, dead is dead. I have found self medicating with chocolate benefits my sanity and they survive visit. It does not matter what house or car or farm looks like, they always find something wrong or should be different..
So now they find themselves in hotel room 30 minutes away which is closest place.. There is a motel closer but I was informed several visits ago that she could only stay somewhere where room door opened onto a corridor not parking lot. Anyway, I now pay an astronomical price for room so they can turn a.c. to artic zone or heat to beach zone and can play tv as loud as they want — well, until security shows up– etc. No complaints about my food or cooking either. No one wandering thru my house after dark searching my desk etc for a glass of water in a room that has no water source.
Okay, thanks for the update. Looking forward to Innkeeper segment whenever it gets posted. Now to go check where Hurricane Micheal is and projected pathway.
Susan Linch Ravan says
Take a deep breath (and a glass of wine). Take care of that knot from the injection. Everything else will sort itself out. What was it Roland said about parents wanting to interfere with their children’s lives.
Beth says
Fathers and daughters:
I can see where Karat’s emotion comes from. ?
My father always told me he wouldn’t come to my wedding unless I was 25. That’s when he and my mom got married so it is a good age. Several years before the 25 mark, I got a call on a Valentine’s Day evening. “What are you up to, today?”
“Oh, nothing just reading a book.”
“Why aren’t you out on a date or something?”
“I thought you wanted me to wait until I am 25.”
“Well, you can start looking, can’t you?”
I’m sure he would have died a much happier man if I had a man to look after me.
Simone says
Ah fathers. Mine is arriving Friday for 8 days. 8 days. 8 WHOLE DAYS. His first visit in 3 years. Love him to bits but like yours nothing is right and lots of lectures. He 83 and doesn’t do well outside of his own home routine. We live in an apartment so no yard to putter in, nothing to fix for us, our tv is too small and we don’t have cable. Every visit it’s I’ll buy you a new tv. We can afford a new tv – ours works great and we don’t want a bigger one. He does not like museums, shopping or broadway shows. Everything we suggest it’s a No I don’t want to do that. Then after saying no to 10 things it’s so what are we going to do today. Sigh. We visit him for a week or two each year at his home which goes much better.
Debra Buelow says
My brother sexually abused me when I was younger. When I told my mother she said “Oh, he was curious”, AKA boys will be boys. The Kavanaugh confirmation disgusted me. I stumbled on you as an author and it gave me a big kick. J.R. Ward and Darynda Jones also lift me up.
Just let us know when you are able to get the next installment out, for real.
Susan says
Jeaniene Frost shared a memory in her blog about sexual abuse and many, including myself, responded. I had a curious cousin amongst other close calls when I was a child and teen. I found the article when seeing what was happening in the Frost camp concerning Ilona Andrews latest volley in their back and forth fun, which is hilarious… even got the agent involved! Anyway, you may want to visit the site and read the blog unless it would be too much a trigger, though there was a lot of supportive responses. I hope you have found or will find healing from those bad things that happened!
I also love J.R. Ward and quite a few other good series and authors. Patricia Briggs, Nalini Singh, Ilona Andrews and Jeanine Frost are others on my top ten list.
Donna says
You might also like Elizabeth Moon. She writes a lot of strong women who go through a lot of crap before they come into their own.
Fan in California says
Thanks for letting us know — and with your usual (and much enjoyed!!) sense of humor.
mz says
Parents. All understood. Be strong.
Char says
Good luck and thank you for the update. Like several others said, report the reaction to the MD.
Can you prepare something in advance that will keep dad busy? A car thing, a bike thing, an old computer thing?
My late mom-in-law would come and clean my fridge. My husband thought it was passive aggressive. I just thought it was helpful because neither of us had defrosted that refrigerator since her last visit! Be safe and enjoy.
Sashily says
Sending love & a shit ton of patience. Also – crossing my fingers that everything gets done before he arrives!!
Catherine says
No worries, take care of you and yours. Yes, parents drive us crazy!!!
Karen the Griffmom says
Break things. Break many things so he can fix them. Alternatively, buy guest room furniture from IKEA, lose the instructions, and have him put it together. In second thought, you won’t have to lose the instructions if you remove two screws from each package and hide them in the room . . .
Jo says
Hahaha. Seriously laughing.
William B says
If the Kavanagh confirmation bothers you might I suggest a little less CNN or MSNBC.
Lisa says
Some of us manage to be bothered by it without watching any TV at all. Extraordinary, isn’t it?
sarafina says
+1 Lisa.
William, if I wanted mansplaining I’d ask.
lydia says
Good advice!
jewelwing says
What Lisa said. I don’t watch TV. I prefer to read the news because sound bites are not particularly informative IMO. Nevertheless, the amount of sheer, willful ignorance that gets through in everyday conversations is rather astounding.
Tylikcat says
I’ve been working at home a lot, but even at the lab I’ve been fairly insulated… still, a bunch of us have been tossing around our tricks for staying sane and productive. “Okay, I can look at the news* during breakfast and dinner, and social media at lunch, but only with a timer. Rest of the time, can’t look, must work!”
…don’t always keep to it, but it helps.
* Print news via web, for me.
Cristina says
Ditto to all the above … family will be, well, family. I also got some counseling … for mommy issues not daddy but sure made a difference. I don’t cry after speaking with her anymore. When my mom visited, I always tried to plan a special treat for myself and my hubby as a reward for being polite, loving and keeping a lid on my temper for the day after her departure: a swanky spa visit, a romantic dinner, camping in a dark zone where no one could find us (not even those romantic, pierced vampires!).
So you and Gordon take care of yourselves. Don’t worry about us, if you can survive the visit, we can survive a few more days without the next installment.
Take care.
Anton says
Interfacing with parental units presents new challenges with every interaction. I agree with your assessment that the confirmation of this nitwit is a sure sign of Ragnarok approaching. I have often wondered if world governmental leaders have gotten together to ensure the planet’s population quickly bounces over some type of a Jupiter culling quantity. Very few other ideas explains the insistence of population ballooning decisions made by first world governments around the world.
Hope you feel better, I look forward to the next installment of the Innkeeper saga. writings like yours help keep us sane by distracting your readers from all the insanity in America.
Peter says
Sorry you’ve had such a rotten week. Thank you for the update. We were beginning to worry. Good luck with your dad and the curtains.
Theodore D. says
Glad to hear your father is doing ok. Mine is going in for a simple surgery tomorrow but I’m still on pins and needles about it.
I love it when mine visits, though. I’m single and any visitors are enjoyed to the max! 🙂
Hope your visit is better than you ever expected!
TD
Lynne Binkley says
Regarding Kavanaugh, the foundation of American law is the premise “presumed innocent until proven guilty.” I never heard anything that proved him guilty of the accusations against him. Everyone, however, is entitled to their feelings and opinions.
Hope you’re feeling better soon Ms. Andrews. I’ve had a similar reaction to the tetanus shot. Not quite as severe as yours. So enjoy all your work. Thanks for sharing your talent, imagination, and hard work with all of us not as talented!
Kate says
…and if he had been in a jury trial that would have been relevant. He was in a job interview. A job for which being politically neutral and having a very stable temperament is key requirement – and he got up and declared there was Democrat conspiracy against him on behalf of the Clintons. This was the reason that so many leading legal minds recommended he not be confirmed. Yet so many senators conveniently overlooked this.
Regina says
+1
jewelwing says
Seconded. Honestly, I could get by what he did as a drunken 17yo had he owned the possibility that it happened and explained what he had learned in the intervening years that changed him. Instead he lied, under oath, multiple times, as pointed out by people who considered him a friend. Furthermore, his disrespect of Senator Klobuchar should have DQed him instantly. He believes he is owed the seat because he is just that special. Profiles in courage were pretty thin on the ground in the Senate. SCOTUS can no longer be considered nonpartisan. I hope the US can recover from this.
Ilona says
It’s not his guilt that bothers me – although that is a massive issue. It’s not because he is a Republican. It’s the way he acted under a very gentle questioning. I watched his testimony and I made up my mind. This is a man who has never been challenged in his life on anything because he clearly has no idea how to conduct himself. I don’t want him interpreting the law on the Supreme Court.
But again, that’s my opinion and you have a different one, I will agree to disagree.
jewelwing says
OK, you said it better than I did while I was typing. Sorry!
DianainCa says
Exactly how I felt about his response to the questions. I do not feel he can be impartial.
Linda B says
I watched and listened to Kavanaugh and thought, “this is what you get when you never say no to your child”. A tantrum in middle-age. I was utterly amazed that he actually got away with it…..again.
Maxine says
Agreed. He did not come across as judicial or impartial.
Megan (MT) says
AHaving fix-it projects is great. Asking him to tell you stories about family or history is a win for you both. Another family visit trick that worked for me is tag-team. You can spend time alone with your father while Gordon goes off by himself, then he can take your father somewhere for a while so you can have some time alone. If you can talk the kids into taking him to lunch or dinner without you guys it’s a sanity saving bonus round for everyone.
Jade says
Your father’s lecturing makes him sound like Roland ?
noy bswx says
There’s that old saying “family knows how to push your buttons because they are the ones that installed them” (forget persons name who said it first).
When dealing with parental units, I’ve always found it best to just remember the following: you do the best you can and try to reroute the switches for those buttons during his visit if you can. My mom always tries to ‘help’ when she visits, which often results in her doing things like reorganizing my kitchen at 5 in the morning. Some things can change, some can’t, and sometimes it’s best just to go to the zoo to get them out of the house for a while.
Rosalita says
So glad you are relatively o.k.! I was very concerned about all of you. Hang in there so sorry about the bad shot reaction! I had a similar reaction to the flu and pnuemonia shots on the same day . I won’t do that again! Both arms swollen and sore. Creator bless hope all is better in the future .and you and yours stay sane and healthy.
Rhonda says
Well your story about the upcoming parental visit was quite entertaining so I can consider that my Authorlords fix for the week!! ? Seriously, feel better with the arm, don’t worry about the house, and enjoy your Dad while you have him. Have a much better week this week!
Lisa says
Sending love to both of you. We’ve all had a tough few weeks I think. I’m getting through by re-reading a lot of my old favorites. I also recently rediscovered audiobooks and found the wonderful Renee and managed to go through the entire Edge, Innkeeper, and Kate series in the span of two months. They made me appreciate your writing so, so much more, and I didn’t think that was possible. Thank you!
Patricia Sparrazza says
As much as I love & looks\ forward to Maud’s story…family comes first. Live your life. Enjoy your family…as much as they let you….We’ll still be here.
Alison says
Wow, that is a lot. Good luck getting through it all with as much ease and fun as possible.
Travis says
Stay strong. I am doing my best to keep from doing the same with my daughter and son. It is hard to remind myself to step back and allow them to live without interference. Luckily, I’ve managed to catch the truly horrible things but in doing so I remind myself to keep a step back so I don’t overparent like it seems your father is doing. At times, I want to put my hand into everything, and then I remember that if my parents would have done that it would have driven me batshit crazy.
jewelwing says
Good job Travis! At least it’s on your radar and you’re making the effort.
Kit says
Was worried you had an end times event occur. Tetanus shots are miserable, I had one after an attack by a hawk while closing a window. The shot made me sick as a dog.
The ‘rents are damned if you do or don’t so apply chocolate and or alcohol as needed. Thinking good thoughts for you.
Katygrl says
That sounds individually like a ridiculously complex and heavy week. I hope y’all have a chance to chill out before your parental unit arrives. Sending good vibes your way!!
Sleepy says
That’s sad to hear! Feel better soon, and hope the parental visit can is stress-free as possible!
Chris says
My parents when they were alive lived an hour away from my sister. Periodically she’d come home from work and the lawn would be mowed, laundry washed and folded and house just generally cleaned. No note, no parents. It was a surprise parental attack.
We lived further away. So when they visited, Daddy found things to fix or do in the yard and Mom did whatever she wanted. We had kids, so we’d shuffle them off on them. That’s what grandparents are for, to enjoy their grandkids.
You marry the man who isn’t good enough for you and produce children that are perfect, or so my mother would say when I was young and the grandchild.
Linzi Day says
Parents – we all had or have them. I feel your pain/love/hope/depression.
Actually, all of your reasons are super valid ones for there being no Innkeeper – look after each other. The BDH can and will learn to wait … if we don’t you might send your dad to visit us 🙂
Kim says
Oooofff. That’s a lot to deal with. The flu shot made my arm all achy last week, and that was about 1/15 of what you went through, so sympathies.
The husband and I were fully prepared to fly my MIL across the country for our wedding, but the conversation leading into it was so awful we never made the offer. Turns out, I told my guy, I was ok with paying for her to come out, but I was not willing to bend over backwards for the privilege of doing so. She, however, was a full on hag of a woman, so we were conflict-free about it. That does not seem the case here. You are, however, giving your children much better parenting role models, so go you.
AngelMercury says
Bleh, sounds like a lot of stresses right now. I haven’t had a tetanus shot in ages and now I’m worried about the day I need one~~
Family visiting is always stressful, but I hope you have lots of good parts of your visit as well. I do envy you a bit. Being the only person in my family living overseas my family doesn’t ever come to see me. I wish they would at least once or twice, but my parents are both at the point where long flights are very difficult for them. There’s still time for a grand kid though so they might come if that ever happens…
Jess says
Thanks for the update – your BDH was starting to worry! Here’s hoping that this week is less stressful than the last and that all of your coping strategies are effective and easy to use.
Annamal says
There are a lot of very terrible things in the world.
On the bright side there are the evil black metal cats of twitter….
https://twitter.com/evilbmcats?lang=en
Jules says
Wine. You need wine.
Sorry things are so stressful! Take a breath and remember that your lives will be briefly interrupted but will resume normality shortly 🙂
Sorry K getting confirmed upset you. As a survivor, I found her whole story hinky as all get out but ((shrug)) to each their own. Just remember that their story isn’t YOUR story.
Annamal says
just wanted to say, there are a lot of survivors with a lot of different stories and just about all of them are true, this is definitely not the place to be having this argument but I couldn’t let this go unchallenged.
Backing out now and will not reply further, sorry to the authorlords…
Ilona says
Let’s close this. Here is the thing: everyone has a story. I have one, too. I also have watched my roommate in college do a complete 180 and make claims of sexual assault and abuse against a boyfriend, which I knew for a fact were untrue, because I was literally in the room at the time during the times she referenced. So I have first hand experience with both sides.
Let’s just respect each other and the fact that there are as many stories as there survivors.
DianainCa says
So sorry to hear about the week. I hope Your starting to feel better. No words of wisdom for your Dad except to grin and bear it and think happpy thoughts.
My suggestion is to order the bathroom supplies from either Target or Bed Bath and Beyond. As for the bed tables what about sending a kid out to a second hand store to see if they have anything decent? Even if they aren’t perfect you could get them cheap then donate them back when done.
Good Luck!
Susan says
Blessings upon you and those kind of shots are the absolute worst. Good luck with your day. Sounds like, this is how he shows his love, albeit totally not cool. Parental love, go figure!! Hope you survive the two weeks in one piece.
Beth says
Life happens and you both have lives that are as messy and beautiful as each of ours. Thank you for taking the time, whenever you have the time, to give us all a place to escape to. I’m sorry that we are not as grateful as we should be, and that we don’t express that enough to you both. Please take the time with your family that you so rightly deserve. I hope that even if it’s a small phrase that your dad shows that he cares.
d LM a says
What a wonderful way of saying I’m not thinking of you right now, go away.
These are the days of ‘yes ma’am/sir’ that will bring laughter and joy to your memories of your parent.
B well
Jovan Welch says
Sry about your week, although I love hearing about your dad visiting. Remember the garage door ??
Anne Schultz says
My mother had major surgery right before I left for China. I text to check up on her. I get … I guess your text works in China. I ask questions re: her recovery. I get one word replies: OK, good, yes, no and fine. No details, no elaboration and I can’t phone her. At best I could tell until yesterday was that she was still breathing. I don’t know what I was expecting, last year she wait almost a month before telling me my 70 yr old father fell off the roof.
jewelwing says
Yeah, when your elderly relatives say everything is fine over the phone – trust but *verify*. My family learned this the hard way this summer.
jewelwing says
Schedule some wonderful treat for yourselves after he leaves. In the meantime, consider yoga. A good instructor will be able to adapt poses for physical limitations, since pretty much everyone has at least a few. And the breathing is So. Helpful. Hope the arm feels better soon. Those who said to report it were correct – that is data that should be recorded.
Jennifer says
True. You might be allergic to the preservatives or other components used in making the vaccine
Mary Peed says
My dad was always very proud of us. He bragged about his daughters all the time… Total strangers told us this at his funeral. But we only saw him every 3 or 4 years. He never made any of our graduations or special occasions. When my youngest sister… The Baby… Was going to graduate from high school he’d told her he would make it. Then he changed his mind. She cried. The word went around pretty quickly that dad made our baby cry. He got a bunch of calls very quickly…better change your mind on that one…I told him it was his last chance… and he did make it. Pissing all of us off is a bad idea. And while “the baby” is 42 now, making her cry is still a bad idea.
Michele says
Yeeep. *Never* make *my sister* cry!
Donna says
You both need to take care of yourselves and your family. We of the BDH can be patient. No – don’t laugh, we can!
I hope you are feeling well soon. It’s especially hard to get things accomplished when you are feeling cranky and hurting.
Sjik says
+1
Marianne says
+1 Well said! You don’t need to have any other concerns on your plate right now, it is full enough! Although it might not seem so on occasion, *cough*, we (the BDH) can exercise restraint in waiting patiently for any writing you may so generously wish to share with us. ?? No one can drive us quite as crazy as a parent!! Your dad sounds exactly like my mom!! ? You have my sympathy, as well as my hope that this visit turns out well. Make sure you have a stash of chocolate on hand, just in case!! ?
Theresa says
Thank you for the awesome Innkeeper, and that you thought enough of the BDH to keep working on it despite all of last week’s challenges you had to deal with.
In all the darkness, your stories provide a much needed respite! I hope things start looking up this week.
Mary Ann Creemer says
My FB feed is so screwed up! This blog post is only in your/my blog and if I hadn’t gotten curious about the comments for Chapter 15 part 3, who knows when I would have found it.
I have to say that your father sounds a lot like my mother, may she rest in peace. And I have a hard time missing her presence even after these many years.
I don’t have problems with Tetanus shots, but way back in the 1970s I had a second small pox vaccination for over seas travel. The reaction was similar to your Tetanus shot. You have all my sympathy! Thank you for for keeping on…
Sechat says
Please take care….parents are…..the inverse of your children in their teen years. My 33 yr old daughter just spent 9 hours with me and her 82 year old grandmother on Saturday, as we took her to deal with her fur coat. I was told a fib about taking it to be cleaned, actually this was an expedition to trade it in for a new fur coat….which involved me driving into New York City because mom is a bit too frail for subway staircases. Paying $50 for 3.5 hours of parking. Finding somewhere to feed the picky eater that Mom has become (she chased the nice salad and grilled chicken at the bistro with Dunkin Donuts a french driller and a jelly donut. It was a VERY long day. Worth it, but all I could do was eat an English muffin and go straight to sleep when I got home.
Catlover says
Regarding dad, buy the shades and let him put them up. You have a new house so there must be lots of little projects he can do like shelves in the garage etc. When I go visit I’m good for about two days then I need a project to do. Last visit I did a universe side table for my grandson and at Thanksgiving I’m doing granddaughter’s dresser and mirror. I enjoy it and it’s useful along with a little laundry and a few meals.
Saira says
That sounds like a great idea, but remember to hide the working computers….
TWAndrews says
Ugh, sorry about all of that.
Your father sounds a bit like my FIL. My wife, who speaks 4 languages,, moved America, built a successful photography business, and is an active mother to three daughters. When she asked him if she’d ever done anything to make him proud, told her “You married the right man,” which if you knew me is so obviously rediculous as to be a joke.
He does love her, but takes lots of pains to make sure that nobody, especially her, can easily tell.
Shoe says
Ugh, your father sounds like someone that’s better appreciated from a distance. My parents are like that. I hope that you are able to get some time of your own during this visit. It sounds like you will need it. Yo, Gordon, can you pull a Curran and find a refuge for you guys away from the overbearing Pack parent? Doesn’t have to be an apartment. Could be an afternoon at a hotel because “deadlines.”
wont says
Considering all you’ve been through, I thought your post was amazingly calm. I hope your arm improves soon. That alone is enough to derail matters. And the father situation is enough to derail Kavanaugh thoughts, and that is huge. I will stop on that subject. It brings on tears if I linger.
I hope you can enjoy your father’s visit. Is it wrong to be glad you don’t have a deadline looming?
Hugs.
Laurence says
Agree with you completely!
sarafina says
I remember your writings about previous dad visits. Especially when Gordon felt compelled to buy all new tires just before you were supposed to hit the road. (That’s how I remember it, anyway.) The time you and the girls get to spend with him is important.
Also, this week’s chapter of Maud is OUTSTANDING!!!!!!
Cath says
Bachelors? You have Gordon, what do you need bachelors for? 😉
Hope you feel better ASAP. Shot reactions suck.
Still fascinated to see how you two are going to finish twining Arland and Maud together with the wedding party problems. Looks terrific. Am thoroughly sucked in. Add one to the tally for BDH. 🙂
Michele Cox says
Yeesh! That sounds like dreadfulness pulled on dreadfulness. I hope the visit goes better than one would expect and that you’re able *both* to connect with your dad as much as possible *and* to get the time to yourself/yourselves you need to stay centered. 🙁
Jo says
i think Oy covers the whole parental issue pretty well.
Take care of yourself
Laura says
Glad you’re not dead! I was starting to worry.
=A says
Take a deep breath.
Do what you need to do.
We’ll be waiting whenever you get back to us.
We love you 🙂
(The suggestion about having little projects like the blinds ready for your dad to do sounds like a good idea. I’ll definitely do it when my dad visits!)
IreneMBBT says
Hang in there! Do what you’ve got to do to stay sane and healthy!
My mother-in-law’s favorite line was she’s fine. Never mind the golf ball sized gall stone that tore out of the gall bladder and is blocking her intestine. Or the shoe with the hole she wore to the family event when you’ve specifically asked if she needed shoes. I’m betting it’s age related – somewhere around 70s they start saying f* it.
Liz says
No one pushes my buttons like my parents. But I love them just the same. Be strong! Hope you both get back on even keel stat.
Richard Hainsworth says
You dad may not realise what a big deal #1 in NYC is. He may be proud of you because you accomplished something you think is worthwhile. Find a person who he would trust to explain just how many books are written in English and of those how many get to #1. If he found out, he would really care. I know alot of Soviets (I lived in Moscow 30 years so Soviet is not a bad work just a description) and whilst literature is a big deal, there is no realisation about the business of books. I hope this doesn’t come across as a trite comment. I’ve seen just how much culture and education can shape people’s expectations.
Meg says
Famiy comes first. Always. My Dad and I had a very strained relationship due to his need to judge and preach until the last 6 months of his life, when he realized what he’d missed by being an ass. We found our way thtough his regrt to peace.
Y’all need a break, especially after family visits. No matter hos good they are, they’re exhausting because they’re a LOT of work. We get Sweep of the,Sword when you have time. It’s your gift to give. Personally, I’m just hoping for some peace in your lives because you’ve earned your HEA too.
Lyssa Sue Shaffer says
Hug! Now, breathe, release, next breath, hold, release, repeat.
Been there, done that.. mine was my paranoid, schizophrenic, with suicidal tendencies mother. My last visit with her started with “Get your hair out of your face” repeated for several minutes.. until I undid my hair style and I scraped it back tightly to a ponytail atop my head. (I was in my early 50s) This was the first time my husband met my mother. When we left he told me I never had to return. I never did, at my doctor’s orders due to altitude sickness.
Therapy helped me cope with her and her input on how I should behave. Boundaries were a critical tool. As was blocking her ability to phone me. She could write. I called her for the traditional holidays and she learned quickly that I would terminate conversations that bad mouthed me, family members, especially my father. (They divorced when I was 12, yet she was still harping on my 50th birthday?) She forbid my attendance at her funeral and recommended we toss her ashes in the trash. Sigh… she did not have a mentally healthy life. She is free now and hopefully has found peace.
The best power tool I found in my coping tool kit was to take her behavior and ask how I would respond if such words and tones were addressed to my kids that way. That helped with boundary enforcement. Maybe someday you can have a mediated conversation with a therapist in attendance. Family therapy can happen for adults…
Don’t let stressing over him and his words steal your joy. You are an amazingly talented author, gifted mother and wife. Outside approval is not required, despite being desired.
Sarah Garrison says
Just breathe, honey. We’ll wait. I expect each of us was sitting here nodding in sympathy as we read your post. 😉
(And this mom was wincing a little too … need to start policing myself in my conversations with my grown kiddos, I think.)
Jamie Wilson says
My Mother was the same way…Control Freak, and of course I don’t play well with others so it is mild to say we clashed. But she still came to stay with me a couple of times a year…I never killed her so it was all good. Best advice from me to you…Try not to grit your teeth hard enough to crack your teeth, it is expensive to get crowns.
Sally says
You have my sympathy My dads not that bad when he visits, the worst I have to deal with is trying to stop him balancing precariously on a chair to do some bit of DIY as he is the ‘Man of the Family’ he’s also nearer 80 than 70.
Mum however I think she is possibly a cross between Nanny Ogg of Terry Pratchett’s weird sisters (the daughters in law live in fear) and Aunty B. She’s under 5ft (several inches under but we’re not allowed to say this) has weighed around 6 st for most of her life and spend 30 years as a nurse in the NHS now retired.
She definably views herself as the matriarch of the family and every time she visits we have territory wars. The first of the big wars (for once I stood my ground) was the curtain war. I was still at university & did not have a big budget so got some brown wool curtains from a charity shop for the spare bedroom. Mum did not like them. She bought several alternatives all totally impractical for floor length curtains in a cat household so I refused them.
She claimed the current curtains gaped for her first visit she put a peg on them to keep them shut as time went by the number of pegs went up. Three years latter when I as in works & could finally afford to buy new curtains the war ended, we were up to 8 pegs by then.
I leave 350 miles from my parents, my sister recently moved into a small 1 bed home 20 miles from them. She says the best thing about moving out of their house is that mum no longer supervises how she loads the dish washer. Rachael got the kitchen curtains for her place from a charity shop, mum visited a couple of weeks ago and declared they let too much light through.
My sister and I love our parents but we are both very glad we don’t live with them or each other.
Enjoy your fathers visit and in times of stress remember he has a return ticket
Karen Alonzi says
Seems like my life was crazy like yours just the other day. But no, it was actually ten years ago. Eventually the house fell into place, one by one the parents passed, and the kids grew up. Our last child headed off to college last month and suddenly, our beautiful house is quiet. I can’t say I MISS the craziness and frustration that you’re describing, but I remember it fondly. Treasure every single drop of these mad moments – and take care of yourself!
Martha Cavness says
Your description of your father sounds just like my mother. Unfortunately, she lives with us. I am 70, and still being treated like a child. We do not get along. At all. Good luck with your dad. At least he will eventually go home.
BTW, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your books. Please don’t stop writing until after I die. Thank you.
Teresa says
My mom has lived with me for the last 16 years. She has lewy body dementia now. The hardest thing is not to argue with her. She used to be the smartest person I knew. I am trying to keep her at home as long as possible.
Tylikcat says
I’m really enjoying all these vignettes of family interactions! One of the side effects of my weird family is that there are the people I don’t talk to*, and the people I have close, adult and… really nice relationships with. There isn’t a lot of middle ground. Unless you count the people I’ve been out of touch with and am trying to get to know better?
I’m loving my family right now. My favorite aunt is trying to step in and provide quasi-parental support, which is… kind of weird, because I’m really not used it that? But it’s also incredibly sweet, and she’s my favorite aunt, so it’s okay from her. (…and we had that talk about whether my aged mother is at physical risk from my brother, which is just nice to have someone else looking in to. This is my former CSI / homicide detective aunt, so while I didn’t my her day any better, I know she can handle it?) We’re working out plans for my sister’s move, and my nephew’s getting closer to getting his own place. (Okay, and my brother found my twitter account and shat all over it – nothing like getting out of a hot bath to that kind of abuse! – but that’s what ban hammers are for.) It would be so nice if I had any clue where I’d be working in another five years so we could really make long term plans, but that’s academia, unless I bail on it. But we’re also making plans to visit said same aunt, and maybe our uncle in Alaska, too. (As well as non-family connected places.)
…and work stress is still work stress, but whoever heard about quick turnaround from JEB, and reviewer and editor comments that were *all* thoughtful, informed and helpful? I mean, when does that happen?
* and in some cases have taken legal action against. Or in the case of my brother, blocked all his accounts when he started sending me threats, and will contact appropriate folks if it looks like he’s amassing weapons.
DianainCa says
I too have enjoyed the stories of family. It also makes me realize that I am lucky and blessed with my family most of the time. ? I did have to take my Dad (who doesn’t have much patience) to California’s DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) twice this summer. If people don’t know it has been a zoo this summer and even if you have an appointment it can take hours.
I am sorry to hear about your brother. I hope you and your Aunt are able to keep an eye on your Mom.
Tylikcat says
DMV is usually terrible – especially so is more than I want to think about. (The last time I went – in WA – I think there was a web page that list average waiting times? I was with one of my senior Chen students, and we found a reasonably near one with a short wait. Which I should keep in mind if I’m going to keep not getting an Ohio DL…)
I’ve mostly washed my hands of both my mother and brother, so it’s kind of a question of that last bit of long distance monitoring. (Especially since what they both want from me – and the other relatives I like – is attention.) Most of my brother’s online shenanigans are gross, but pretty ignorable (though I’ll go in for the occasionally bit of public mockery). I’ll occasionally get involved if he’s sending someone death threats because no one needs that shit, or if he’s gotten thrown out of somewhere interesting, see again, public mockery. (My mother is a deeply problematic person in her own right.)
The pretty much get to deal with the consequences of their own actions… except, if I get wind of it, I will try to prevent GBH of each of them by the other or other people at their hands. (And I’d probably step in to deal with long term medical care if they’re incapacitated if needed.) I officially lifted my older sibling protections on my brother a few years back (the subject of the discussion was punching nazis, and hey, I’m not a fan of random violence, but if my brother is actively being a nazi, I’ll probably understand if you need to punch him. I might even send chocolates, if the situation were sufficiently dire.)
Courtenay says
I think I know where the character of Roland comes from now! 🙂
Ali says
while he is there, record him. he won’t always be there it will be nice to be able to hear his voice, no matter what he’s saying.
Anonymous says
I live on the other side of the Atlantic – though it appears parents don’t seem to be different despite geography. I put my mother back on the plane after a visit and despite being 50+ was as close to dropping to my knees and banging my head on the floor as I have been since my children threw vertical tantrums 20 years ago.
Loving Maud and Arland – makes my Friday – ta!
Vicki says
Sounds like you had a severe reaction which should be reported to the FDA and CDC. You should have tigers drawn to see where you are at and probably be tested for allergic sensitivity. The severity of your symptoms need reported and follow up. I would not get another injection until titers were drawn to see if you actually needed a booster.
Tylikcat says
“You should have tigers drawn…”
Sometimes autocorrupt is just poetry.
jewelwing says
+1 Not usually, though.
Alison says
That’s a good idea for communicating with many people, including me.
Teresa says
Family drama. You can’t have a gathering without it, but I still want my family around me. Thank you for this safe place to just express an opinion on both sides about K. I think we need the talking to start again as discussion. I keep hearing people hurting.
Anna says
My family is large, loud, and Italian (is that redundant?). We’ve found that keeping them well supplied with wine (and grappa for after dinner) keeps the lecturing to a minimum; it is replaced with rather emphatic story telling. Emphatic to the point that we no longer use breakable dishes and stemware. I’m not saying this is a viable strategy for everyone, but it works for us.
NickiC says
Sorry about your reaction to the shot. This happened to me as well, 30 years ago. The doctor told me then not to get another tetnus vaccine. Since then, I learned that if your level of the tetnus titer in your blood is high, this kind of reaction can happen. (I can’t speak to whether this is true for what you experienced, but I wanted to let you know.)
Now check my titer level via a blood test every 10 years or so to see if I need a booster. So far, I don’t, and I may never need one, so I may never need another tetnus shot. I sure don’t want another awful reaction.
On another note, I hope you do end up enjoying the visit with your Dad.
Debi Majo says
I will share something my Mom told me all my life, especially after my Dad (the Colonel) would pave/lecture me and my sister. She said that in life you will encounter many people who will judge you or try to tell you what you should do, but remember the only opinion of you that is important is yours. Never let others judge you, you give them too much power; no matter who they are!
Kae says
I live with my mother and go home everyday. Whenever I get a mandatory leave from work. I go alone to a place without the nagging.
Carol M says
I’m sorry you had a bad reaction to the tetanus shot. Not getting it could have been worse. My grandfather stepped on a rusty nail and refused to get the shot. He died a very painful death from lockjaw. I hope you find something to enjoy with your father’s visit but no matter how old you get you will always be his little girl. If you disagree with Kavanaugh’s political views I have no disagreement with you on his nomination – everyone is entitled to their opinion. But as the mother of sons I am seriously alarmed at the belief that no woman would ever lie. Some of the most vicious lying people I have ever known were women. Additionally my family has experienced first hand the destruction caused when some therapist pulls out “hidden” memories, memories that never happened.
Scott Ramsey-Smith says
Hmmm, so it would seem that the ominous letters and the impending visit from your father roughly correspond. Curious that! Particularly peculiar is the problematic sartan selection (sorry got carried away). There is a common theme of disrespecting one’s elders and the insistance on the relevance of your age and past pan picks reflectively challenged by the vampire’s own disregard for youths smart mouth comments and resulting disciplinary decisions. It would seem that it is somehow correlational with the letters but if that doesn’t stick consider that the blog title forshadows a certain awareness to the reader: “We are not dead” How curiously close to the definative “We are Undead.” If that doesn’t sizzle your oil you are cooking in a dry pan. I will of course refrain from assessing the family relationships. That should be done in a more private setting. Enjoy your time with Roland, I mean your dad.
Fondely,
Old Enough to Know Better
(At least thats what my Mother said whenever I asked my age)
janalee says
oh, parents. {{hugs}}
Carol says
Blessing your hearts – your home – your health and know this particular fan can wait very well. Take care of all those details and have fun taking care of each other. Hugs to you both.
Jenn says
Having trouble with my own father. It’s too long and complicated, but I just don’t get it sometimes. What the heck happened. I’m in my 40s, and just got the job of hosting Thanksgiving at my house. No matter what I do or buy to make it festive and wonderful, he’ll focus on the things that are lacking. Like a fireplace. (Our home was built in 1780, it’s not going to be cheap or simple to open up the fireplace, which is nicely boarded up at the moment…)