This weekend I bit the proverbial bullet and tackled my closet.
I hadn’t cleaned my closet in 5 years. It doesn’t seen to bad until you consider that when we moved, I simply transferred the hangers from one house to the other. Some of my clothes were so old, they could’ve gotten their own driver licenses. Over the years, my side of closet had become a bit postapocalyptic, with stacks of folded clothes forming small towers, sweatpants in random places, various size labels on the floor, and drawers stuffed with bras which I will never wear.
Finally the situation reached a critical point, so I got some large garbage bags for donated and thrown away clothes and went to work. The plan was that if it’s stained, too small, too ugly, or falling apart, it went into one of the bags. It took roughly 5 hours and now I have questions. So many questions.
Questions like what is this shirt? When did I buy this shirt? Was I suffering from an ocular migraine when I bought it because this has to be one of the ugliest shirts in existence?
This shirt is half as old as my children. How long was I planning on keeping it?
Why are so many of my shirts terracotta-colored? I hate terracotta.
Why do I have so many shirts with horizontal stripes? Not only they are not flattering, I don’t really care for stripes.
Why do I own two identical shirts with horizontal terracotta stripes? What is going on here?
How and where did I buy a sack-shaped, shimmering gold metallic shirt that is two sizes too big and has a collar encrusted with shiny rhinestones? I would never wear that in a million years. Did I just have a sudden, irresistible urge to impersonate a giant Ferrero Roche chocolate? Because with my figure, that’s exactly what I would look like. How did this get into my closet? How?
Why do I own so many long-sleeved shirts? I live in Texas. I get to wear long-sleeved shirts exactly 30 days out of a year, if that. Why do I have so many soft, warm sweatshirts? Did I forget that we have to run AC in winter? Maybe it’s just wishful thinking?
Why do I own a very thick, retina-burning shade of magenta, too-small sweatshirt that says Austin on it? Did I forget where I live? Perhaps I just thought it would be lovely to advertise Austin to my neighbors, all of whom react to the word “Austin” in exactly the same way, by wincing and going, “Ugh, traffic.”
Why do I own so many sweatpants? Did I expect a sweatpants shortage? Did I confuse sweatpants with flour during the pandemic? I love sweatpants, but this is wildly excessive.
Why do I own so many leggings and why do some of them look like they were designed by someone at the heights of their acid trip? I don’t like leggings. I wore leggings like twice in the last year. I will have to wear them more often now because I have them, so I should get my money’s worth.
Why is there a collector’s copy of Small Magics buried under the stack of T-shirts? Was I hiding it from the robbers? Also why is there a box of Sharpie fine tip markers in roughly the same vicinity? Was I planning to hold a signing session in our closet?
How many bras does one woman need? Let me rephrase that, how many bras that don’t fit does one woman need?
In conclusion, I have made several resolutions for myself.
One, I will never buy a T-shirt from Tee Fury no matter what kind of cuteness is printed on it. They are all too thick and the fit is not flattering on me. They all end up in the back of the closet never to be worn.
Two, buying cheap sweatpants is not a good way to deal with stress, no matter what life throws at you.
And three, I’m forbidden to purchase additional T-shirts unless I’m willing to surrender one of the T-shirts I already own. It has to be like an ancient sacrifice. I must ascend the ziggurat via a staircase flanked by burning torches, carrying the sacrificial T-shirt on my outstretched arms and ritualistically deposit it into the donate pile while a gaggle of priests chants to themselves, “Let it go, let it go, let it go…”
My closet needs cleaned out too, oh no! thanks for the laugh
????????You are several months ahead of me. More power to you!!
Thank God! I thought I was the only person that had those questions and habits!! Please post again in five years. I should clean out my closet about 3 months ahead of you.
I feel your pain. We reorganized our entire lab today. We couldn’t find things because they were buried in the stacks of new boxed syringes, transfer pipettes, and 15mL plastic test tubes with screw caps. We ask for one box and our professor buys enough to last the apocalypse- case in point we had an entire pallet full of the 15 mL tubes. I lost the war on getting rid of the old bulky equipment because we might just use it one day – oh well
And none of it is in code, or has small amounts of radioactivity or mercury in it. No one wants and you can’t get rid of it. Old melting point app, gc, arrrgggg I feel your pain!
🙂
You own so many terracotta things for the same reason I own so many red, navy, and purple things, I suspect. (Though perhaps I like those colors more than you like terracotta.). I like green. Nearly all greens.
But! I would shop for something and see that it came in green, but thought, “Now, wait. You can’t buy only green. Get some variety.”
And, one day, I organized my closet and realized I was the proud owner of one green dress, six navy dresses, five red dresses, and three purple dresses… and I thought, “WTF? Next time, just buy them all in green. Nobody notices what you wear anyway. Nobody cares but you— and it’s your money. Screw the other colors.”
I read somewhere that to negate the environmental impact of making an item of clothing, you have to wear it at least 30 times. This has become my new litmus test for buying an item: am I willing to wear it 30 times? Nine times out of ten the answer is “No!” and the item goes back on the rack.
I will never finish closet I’m an Ilona Andrews addict and read and reread every one hoopla or Libby have. Trying to collect but the books are not easy to find here in middle America. Between St Louis and Memphis. So I texted all my friends and said found new Ilona Andrews today on hoopla Magic Tides so I’m busy! catch up later lol
Thank you. I have similar issues with my own closet, except that I gain and lose weight depending on the health of my gastrointestinal system, and at the moment it’s been in a less than cooperative mode. When I’m thin, I tend toward clothes that show off the fact, since it happens so rarely. Otherwise, my closet tends to look like I’m headed for the nearest monastery. Except that I have a LOT of leggings, which I do not care for, but I wear braces up to the knee and have to have something under them to keep them from sticking to my skin and tearing or bruising. So I have clothes I don’t like I can wear, and clothes I like and can’t wear.
I moved into an old house with very little closet space many years ago, while I was seven months pregnant with my first child, and working about 80 hours a week. My mother and father both died in the years before the move, and we had lots of furniture from my parents’ home, and a lot of sentimental holding on to things because, well, it’s hold on now or never see the kitchen stuff you learned to cook with again. I still have the nightgowns my mother gave me when I was in high school, and the leather jacket she wore in college, and the dress I wore to my wedding shower, and….you get the idea. The house is lined with bookcases and the kitchen is way too undershelved for things to be put away neatly.
I figure we will never move since we would have to sort out all the crapola. I am planning to work as long as I can so that I won’t have to spend many years digging through the fine china and reuniting cups and saucers from my grandmother’s collection just to keep from boredom.
But yes, there are times I look at my clothes and wonder why I have an orange shirt, which turns my face purplish, and white lab coats I can’t get the ink stains out of, and blue jeans my kids outgrew in grade school.
I just moved to Texas the beginning of December. Six weeks here and Austin traffic is an experience I plan to avoid whenever possible already. It’s a great city and I hear the music is fabulous. Which I am excited to explore. But I am very glad I don’t have to deal with the traffic on a daily basis.
????????????????????????????????????????????
I have never laughed so hard in my life. This was freaking perfect.
Because of this soul-searing admission of closet clog crisis or CCC, I am going to share something I don’t usually brag about: I am the Queen of closet purging. It makes my heart happy…bwuahaha.
It’s not common knowledge that there is an alternate universe composed entirely of odd socks, ponytail holders (or ligas as they are known here), bobby pins and safety pins. If your closet becomes cluttered, a portal opens between this universe and various locations on Earth – hence the presence of Small Magics under your T-shirts and said sparkly golden shirt. A semi-annual “Can’t, Won’t, Don’t” clean out is like opening the valve on your water heater and will keep your closet from exploding…lol 😉
Oh my! We must have been sisters in another life. I am going through the same crisis with my closet, only add in the fact that I have clothes that range in size from 10 to 20, those being the sizes I fluctuate between ever few years. And some of the patterns/styles…. What in the world was I thinking?!?
Sounds like my closet! he,he,he!
I had to read this aloud to my tv-viewing partner. I was laughing so hard I could barely keep reading.
Is the House of Andrews interested in having an experienced executive assistant with over 30 years of experience assist with the mercantile store? At this point, I’m thinking of a 6 month volunteer position, so that you can see if it’s of benefit to you. Please feel free to call, to have Mod call or to text or email me if you wish to discuss. Regards,
Maybe Ronan could help with the sacrifice part???
I could so see him getting into it. Maybe a whole neighborhood,
party with the sacrifice.
eeeeeehhhhhh! a new chapter! a new chapter! I have to go bounce up and down in the cornfield!
Ack! You made me feel guilty! Now I will have to clean out my closet, (or maybe a little drawer.)
I save all the clothes that fit me 15 years ago. In the next year I may be able to fit into them, however they are likely no longer in style, no longer my style, no longer age appropriate and probably so old in texture and feel I won’t want to wear them. But heaven forbid I toss them before I am back to my weight of 15 year’s ago.
My beau has 3 times as many items with the same plan in mind. As we lose the 50 lbs of pandemic/life stress/age change gain, we have made a plan to do what you have. It will be a huge benefit, but what a challenge.
You made me laugh, and become committed to the plan. I understand when we clean out our closets and drawers we are making space in our lives for new better things. May they all come your way!
Thank you, Ilona, <3 (sidewise heart emoji) I laughed so hard tears leaked from my eyes! I have not laughed out loud in, well, too long! We have similar closets & so many questions! Hahahahahahah…
Maybe they were gifts? Either to you or from you.and you forgot to actually give? I do that