This weekend I bit the proverbial bullet and tackled my closet.
I hadn’t cleaned my closet in 5 years. It doesn’t seen to bad until you consider that when we moved, I simply transferred the hangers from one house to the other. Some of my clothes were so old, they could’ve gotten their own driver licenses. Over the years, my side of closet had become a bit postapocalyptic, with stacks of folded clothes forming small towers, sweatpants in random places, various size labels on the floor, and drawers stuffed with bras which I will never wear.
Finally the situation reached a critical point, so I got some large garbage bags for donated and thrown away clothes and went to work. The plan was that if it’s stained, too small, too ugly, or falling apart, it went into one of the bags. It took roughly 5 hours and now I have questions. So many questions.
Questions like what is this shirt? When did I buy this shirt? Was I suffering from an ocular migraine when I bought it because this has to be one of the ugliest shirts in existence?
This shirt is half as old as my children. How long was I planning on keeping it?
Why are so many of my shirts terracotta-colored? I hate terracotta.
Why do I have so many shirts with horizontal stripes? Not only they are not flattering, I don’t really care for stripes.
Why do I own two identical shirts with horizontal terracotta stripes? What is going on here?
How and where did I buy a sack-shaped, shimmering gold metallic shirt that is two sizes too big and has a collar encrusted with shiny rhinestones? I would never wear that in a million years. Did I just have a sudden, irresistible urge to impersonate a giant Ferrero Roche chocolate? Because with my figure, that’s exactly what I would look like. How did this get into my closet? How?
Why do I own so many long-sleeved shirts? I live in Texas. I get to wear long-sleeved shirts exactly 30 days out of a year, if that. Why do I have so many soft, warm sweatshirts? Did I forget that we have to run AC in winter? Maybe it’s just wishful thinking?
Why do I own a very thick, retina-burning shade of magenta, too-small sweatshirt that says Austin on it? Did I forget where I live? Perhaps I just thought it would be lovely to advertise Austin to my neighbors, all of whom react to the word “Austin” in exactly the same way, by wincing and going, “Ugh, traffic.”
Why do I own so many sweatpants? Did I expect a sweatpants shortage? Did I confuse sweatpants with flour during the pandemic? I love sweatpants, but this is wildly excessive.
Why do I own so many leggings and why do some of them look like they were designed by someone at the heights of their acid trip? I don’t like leggings. I wore leggings like twice in the last year. I will have to wear them more often now because I have them, so I should get my money’s worth.
Why is there a collector’s copy of Small Magics buried under the stack of T-shirts? Was I hiding it from the robbers? Also why is there a box of Sharpie fine tip markers in roughly the same vicinity? Was I planning to hold a signing session in our closet?
How many bras does one woman need? Let me rephrase that, how many bras that don’t fit does one woman need?
In conclusion, I have made several resolutions for myself.
One, I will never buy a T-shirt from Tee Fury no matter what kind of cuteness is printed on it. They are all too thick and the fit is not flattering on me. They all end up in the back of the closet never to be worn.
Two, buying cheap sweatpants is not a good way to deal with stress, no matter what life throws at you.
And three, I’m forbidden to purchase additional T-shirts unless I’m willing to surrender one of the T-shirts I already own. It has to be like an ancient sacrifice. I must ascend the ziggurat via a staircase flanked by burning torches, carrying the sacrificial T-shirt on my outstretched arms and ritualistically deposit it into the donate pile while a gaggle of priests chants to themselves, “Let it go, let it go, let it go…”
College wardrobe that would never fit again. Maybe, maybe, maybe. When I finally cleared that out, I was emotionally thirty pounds lighter.
Used to wear things until they literally fell apart. Now, the bar for clear out is much lower. Still decent – like less than a year’s wear but not what I currently want – donate. Needs to go, but not something to donate – goes to the textile recycle bins that are sponsored by our county’s solid waste recycling program. (We’re lucky to have it, many places don’t.)
Old shorts and t-shirts are okay as beach wear, because I will never endure the misery of trying on swimsuits ever again. There are privileges that come with being a certain age….
I feel like I know the answer to the leggings question: I bet it’s Lularoe.
They had some of the craziest patterns. I had a pair of their leggings that looked like court jester pants that I won in a contest held by one of their consultants. I never wore them, but I held on to them for years for some odd reason.
I’d been saving a pair of designer jeans that cost me a paycheque back when I was starting out. I bought them before I had my daughter. I’m not sure what I was thinking keeping them. There is no way I would ever wear them again and they were so low rise. That ship has sailed. I finally put them in the ‘to donate’ pile and my 17 year old daughter comes and takes them saying, ‘wow, those are great vintage jeans!’ Sigh.
I have clothes that I keep around in the belief that I will lose the weight and one day they will fit again. The good news: some of them do fit again! The bad news: this leads me to believe that everything else will also fit again!
Add that to my hobby, which is cosplay/costume design, and a teenager that is smaller than me and is also into cosplay and….Well not a lot gets thrown out from my closet. Last year my kid spotted a shirt in my closet and asked if he could have it. I said sure…then realized it was from when I was his age. That would be over 30 years ago.
I have a whole section in my closet that I don’t like, would NEVER wear, and don’t remembering purchasing. I refer to these clothes as part of my “Dressed in the Dark” collection.
Lol, I am glad I was not sipping my soda….. my “dressed in the dark collection” also thrives
In 2021, I moved and got rid of 50% of my clothes. Then in 2022 moved again and got rid of 50% of my clothes again. My goal now is to keep all clothes (underclothes included) to two large suitcases in total. And accessories (bags, shoes, hats, etc.) to one suitcase. Mostly, I’ve been having clothes altered to fit better so I’m not buying new ones
I usually do this 2 times a year when switching out clothes for the season, the joys of a small closet. What’s funny is just yesterday I was folding laundry and folded 2 fleece sweatshirts that are literally from 1999 that we got on vacation in Seattle- they are older than my kids! They are still in good shape.
May I suggest a quilt out of t-shirts you do not wear but are special to you? My closet sends my ADHD into overdrive.
You are not alone! This is my closet too. I’m afraid to go through it. I have so many “appropriate for work” clothes that I don’t like simply because they are … appropriate. Now I work from home. And the PURGE will begin! … when I’m brave enough.
My shared closet with husband has all these couples Halloween costumes in it… that year we were Vikings. The one when I was a colorful mermaid and he was Poseidon .. pirates.. then during Covid Halloween I went with undead mermaid and he as my drowned skeleton pirate. Lol. You’d think we are some sort of kinky. But we are not. It’s all from a shortage of space and inability to “let it go” ???? we live near Salem, MA… it’s a big holiday here..
I started this not so very long ago..300pairs of shoes whittled down to 24- including hiking boots, bike riding sneakers, work sneakers, flip flops and wedding/ funeral shoes- that fit nicely in 2 shoes cabinets. I kept the 6 leather jackets but got rid of 7 suede. Only have 2 hoodies left Steelers and Syracuse (need something bright to wear hiking in the fall for safety) Bras, underwear and socks now in 3 drawers of a lingerie chest.
Hopefully will tackle leggings, jeans and sweatpants next. Gotta ease myself into it all…
I just did this same thing (only hanging stuff though, the dresser is another day’s problem). I took everything out and threw it on the bed (this is the only way to ensure I don’t give up halfway through). I sorted into “fits, no stains” and “stained/doesn’t fit” and I ended up with a 4-foot pile of clothing to donate (stuffed two XL canvas grocery bags when I was done). When I put the remainder back, I had 30 empty hangers and a closet that looks just as full as before. I have no idea how I fit it all in there the first time.
This is me and my closet, though I haven’t dared clean it yet
The priest can I burrow some. I desperately need to clear out the closet as well.
Maybe you were going to have a secret signing session in your closet during the pandemic. ????????????
I hold onto my winter gear for the times like now where the temperature gets below freezing. I store the majority of it in Peria storage boxes. I do that for my shearling lined slippers.
I’ve been getting rid of old t-shirts lately too. It’s amazing how many grey heathered t-shirts one can have in a dresser. ????????♀️
Stay safe and warm everyone in this crazy winter storm path!
I still have the dress that I wore when I first met my husband face-to-face (we were an America Online romance). We will hit our 25th wedding anniversary in October. The vast majority of that time, the dress was too small for me. Fortunately, I have lost weight and I can actually wear it again and it’s a good summer dress, so I have held on to it for the coming warm season.
OMG I’m laughing so hard at this ????
Bwah ha ha. Thank you Ilona Andrews.
Personally I have 3 pair of leggings because I can wear then under long dresses to church where I freeze so I stay warm and well. Otherwise I never wear either.
Every time I go to deal with (senile dementia) Mother at my sister’s house, I work on cleaning out her dresser drawers because she can’t find her clothes. She takes clothes from other members of family and puts in her dresser. Everything she can not physically wear and doesn’t fit others living in that house members, I drop off at goodwill on my way home. For some reason she likes boys briefs and the boys are men and all away in college now. ????♀️
Assuming the mysterious items were not gifts from well-meaning people and assuming that you have had no traumatic brain injury that drastically changed your tastes, than I see only one possible explanation: closet elves.
They are like the Brownies who sneak about and do housework for the human family they like, only these guys try to supplement what they see as a lack in your wardrobe.
Not to be racist, but it is known that closet elves suffer from very poor taste.
Have you seen any tiny, human-shaped footprints in your pantry supplies, particularly the flour? That’s sure sign.
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Exactly this! I just cleaned out my own drawers and closet with almost the exact same results and thoughts. Except Terra cotta things. I didn’thave those. Instead, I had a very ugly excessively fuzzy purple sweater that was huge on me and elicited rude snickering the one time I wore it 8 years ago? Why did I still have it? But now, for at least a short time, everything in my shirts drawer is neatly folded. And we tossed all the unmatched socks in the FAMILY sock basket. So organized, I am.
I moved at the beginning of the year and as I packed to set up my closet and dresser I purged many bags of clothing. I tried my very best to give as much as I could in good shape away. But yea, I have some questions about me of the past’s choices. Plus my cousin lost a lot of weight and passed over many bags of clothing. I want to understand the cold shoulder clothing phenomenon, because I just don’t get it. And the LuLaRoe. Some of the dresses and leggings I kept (but cannot currently find) but some had to go and man was I obsessed. Drunk kaleidoscope seems an apt descriptor for some. Good luck!
I feel you about the Tee Fury shirts. I wish they fit better.
Yeah, cleaning out closets is always such an adventure in discovering things you have no memory of buying or you wonder what you could possibly have been thinking. I moved from a three-story townhouse filled with stuff to a large room and some space in the basement. I had lots of those discoveries. Why do we fill the space we have?
Crying with laughter ????
I cry laughed the whole way through this post. I read it to my children because they wanted to know why I was laughing so hard. One of them was bouncing and laughing while I read. While I was reading, he slipped and face planted so I couldn’t see him past the foot of the bed. I stopped mid-sentence to ask if he was okay. He popped up again cackling wildly (he’s 8) and went right back to bouncing. Thank you for that moment of shared joy.
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???? Great post! Thanks for the visual of the ziggurat of t-shirt sacrifice!
I went through this process moving into a smaller house and was so proud of how much went out in bags. Yet in just 2 years, my closet has lost all semblance of the organization and minimizing I achieved when I moved in. Closets are clearly breeding grounds for t-shirts and leggings! ????
My mom was a hoarder. After she died, I used part of the inheritance to get closet organization systems installed in my bedroom and front hall closets. It wasn’t cheap, but that’s one of my most satisfactory purchases ever. It’s made my life easier every day of the past seven years.
Clothing tends to multiply due to Really Great Sale Prices. I now remind myself that getting the second one 50% off still costs half again as much as one item. It does work sometimes.
My Achilles heel is free shipping. if I get anywhere near the free shipping level, I can’t keep myself from looking for that one more item, which of course is always more than the 5.99 I would spend for shipping.
I recently did a closet clean out and I can definitely relate!
Hopefully you can now find the stuff you want to wear.
Kudos for your closet efforts and especially for the narrative! I have a closet or two, plus a dresser that contain more history than useable wardrobe (remember slips and camisoles?). I even have my mom’s chef hat, a pair of my grandmother’s gloves, and some I-hope-this-will-fit-again items. I have successfully purged work suits, but I wish I took photos first (especially of the electric-blue plaid suit, that had coordinating pairs of shoes… red & blue). Congratulations on regaining your space!
I have two pair of sweatpants in my closet. They’re pretending to be cargo pants because they have pockets half-way down the thighs. The thing is, I never bought them. Also, everyone in my family swears that they never bought them for me.
Can pants appear by some sort of spontaneous hybridization that happens in dark closets? No matter how much I want to know, I know I’ll never find out.
BTW, they fit great and I’ve worn them almost every day since I found them last year. Never wore sweat pants in my life before, but I love these. Go figure.
Yeah. I have a closet just like you. I’m thinking about going through it. Thanks a lot.
Thank you for the chuckles. I can assure you that we have all been in the same mood doing that kind of chore. You just had more fun writing about it! I especially enjoyed the Ferraro Roche part. Oh my!
This was hilarious, thanks for sharing.
I can relate to your closet decluttering!
I actually lost weight during the last couple of years, which still astonishes me. I have finally started letting go of the clothes that no longer fit, since my weight has been stable for months now.
I recently had to buy new bras, a task I dreaded, but now the girls have the support they need. Going forward I am never buying another sleeveless top or dress, because I am self-conscious about my arms so I never wear them. And, unlike you, I live in leggings half the year, ha ha.
I have waaaay more towels than I need, so donated a bunch of those, as well. It feels so good to let all that go!
Are you sure about the sweats not being an allowed stress coping mechanism? My sweater and puffy coat collections beg to differ on how effective they are as therapy and stress coping mechanisms. I keep an angora hoodie as a textile pet which never ever gets to venture outside the ziplock bag it is stored in, in fear it will shed all over the room. I know parts of it will try to suffocate me in the middle of the night if I ever let it out and if that’s the case, I might as well get an actual cat (but am allergic)
I haven’t cleared out my closet in 10 years.
::wince::
I loved the comment about Ferrero Roche!! ROFL.
I moved a year ago and went through two rounds of that whole “clean out the closet” thing, so I can relate. I found a giant boxy black shirt with a pearl border around the neck. It looks horrible on me. What was I thinking?! So, in other words, you have my sympathy !
Got into old trunk looking for a yearbook for work team building activity…didn’t find book but did find most of high school wardrobe. Pretty some of it has been back in style at least twice since seen last lol
Oh my gosh, that was hilarious… ????
Doing all that organizing in 5h is impressive. Hope you have also discovered some textile treasure (beside the obvious treasure that Small Magics is).
It was an inspiring post, and I laughed a lot at all the theories in the comments regarding the terracotta striped Shirts.
Luckily closets aren’t a thing in Germany. But to make up for that we have ubiquitous closet-equivalent sized wardrobes from a certain swedish retailer where lots of clothes fit……
For the next round of sorting I will make a pilgrimage to the ziggurat as well. I need to sacrifice at a different altar though, as my personal pile is not shirts but sports related clothes since every activity seems to demand its own outfit?!
I should try the t-shirt sacrificing. I’m a sucker for a graphic t-shirt but I have a weird thing where I believe some of them are choking me if the fit feels off so won’t wear them but don’t throw them out either. I have ALOT of t-shirts making my drawers difficult to open so I end up with a repeating pile on the side instead, which means my t-shirts are wasted and unseen unless I want to unearth them. Sacrifice sounds reasonable.
I see a story for one of your books here. Maybe Kate in a few years… Though I would think her clothes don’t last long with all the blood. Seriously though, make a quilt with all the cool printed T-shirts that you won’t wear anyway but still think they are cute. 🙂 Thanks for being real.
Ohhh… my closet. I don’t even want to go in there. Yours sounds just like mine looks.
been there, done that ????
wait-still have to ????
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When I work on my closet, my litmus test is If this were the only clean thing I had available, would I wear it or would I pull something out of the dirty clothes?
it works pretty well to guide things into donation.
The bras question! Yes! (Why do I not just toss the old ones when I buy new? Why,m)
and t-shirts! I have a number of t-shirts I….outgrew, but I still love the images on them. i have a bunch set aside that I really need to wash, iron some fusible interfacing to, cut up, and turn into bags.
then, instead of a surplus of old shirts, I can have all the project bags *ever*
I have always believed that there is a small rift in the time/space continuum in the back of my closet, such that when other women clean out their closets, the discarded items end up at the back of my closet. And when I clean those items out they end up at the back of someone else’s closet. There is not other explanation for why there is never any space in my closet no matter how often I clean it out. And tee shirts just spontaneously multiply.