When I was a child, Christmas holidays were magic. It was New Year rather than Christmas in USSR, but everything about it was the same. Snow would start falling in the second half of December, and my Dad would bring home a Christmas tree, and I would be so excited. I was also born on New Year, so the whole season is special to me.
My family would have a big dinner. My mom would start cooking early, and I would dart around the kitchen, stealing cookie dough and generally getting in the way. Everyone would come, my grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins… I would get to sit at the table with everybody and eat yummy food, and the tree would be covered in glitter. Everything was great.
And then, as I grew older, reality began to creep up into the magic, melting it bit by bit. That big dinner? Mom cooked it alone and nobody helped. My grandmother would occasionally bring something, but in her later years, anything she brought had to be inspected. One time she put rancid sour cream into the cake. After everyone left, there would be a massive pile of dishes. There was no dishwasher.
Adults would get roaring drunk in a fine Russian holiday tradition. Sometimes they would get snappy. My aunts would make passive aggressive comments. After my grandfather became ill and died, we didn’t do big gatherings as much, which I mourned and my mom celebrated.
The country was falling apart, the future was uncertain, and I desperately needed that happy bubble of New Year, but it grew thinner and thinner, until one year it popped. It was barely eleven o’clock. My parents had a fight at the table. Mom went to bed. Dad did, too. My brother, who was 7 at the time, fell asleep as well. I sat alone at the table filled with food and looked at the TV. It was New Year. We were supposed to stay up till twelve.
I was so sad. I felt lonely and abandoned.
And then I realized that just because they didn’t want to have fun didn’t mean I couldn’t. This was my holiday. I had a right to have fun on New Year’s, damn it. I got myself some of my favorite Olivier salad, poured champagne into my glass, changed the channel, and watched the New Year celebration until fireworks died down. I had an awesome time.
This year holidays might seem grim for some of us. People can’t see their loved ones. I found out yesterday that both my dad and my step mother had COVID. They were both vaccinated, so it was a mild case, but they did not tell me. The only reason I found out was because I realized Dad hadn’t called for several weeks. The plague is still here. People aren’t traveling, families don’t get together, holiday traditions are broken. Some of us are lonely. Some of us are grieving. Some are afraid. One of my friends right now is despondent, because she can’t do a big gathering, and I told her to take a day off for herself and she told me she doesn’t know what that would look like.
This won’t do.
You still have a right to peace and happiness this holiday season, whichever holiday you choose to celebrate. Decide what that happiness is and go for it. Spend your holiday hiking or playing video games. If you like Christmas but would rather not give gifts or if you would prefer to drown the tree in wrapping paper, you don’t need anyone’s permission to do it. Don’t make the big dinner if you don’t feel like it or make too much stuffing and then eat it for a week. Zoom with your family or don’t.
Take this time to do things that soothe your soul. Protect your holiday, whatever it may be. There is no guilt. There are no expectations. Because all of us could use a break.
PS. Well, there is one expectation. Mod R wants me to remind you about the upcoming zoom chat. Some of you are confused. You get the first chapter if you attend this zoom chat here. Not the Fated Blades chat. This chat. You have not been cheated out of your chapter. It’s all good.
To me Christmas and other holidays is about family and being together. Gifts are for children, otherwise its about love and togetherness. And an awesome meal to share
Thank you…gosh, you just have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. I love your stories as much as I love your books. They help me see that you go thru the same things we do, and the great wisdom and advice you share always helps more than you will ever know. Thank you! ????
Thank you so much for this post. I love Christmas- all the lights, the food, the smells, the pageantry. Every single bit. I love the shopping and the wrapping, and Iikw to think I put together THE most special stocking.
But this year, work has been hell. I like what I do, but working 12+ hour days is wearing. I’m off the next few days, to celebrate the holidays with my mom and sisters and their families, but the work stress continues to plague me, even during down time. I’m sure I’ll get a few hundred emails while I’m out. Argh….
I was felling very glum about Christmas but after your blog and the BDH comments I am feeling better. I have been lucky, this is my first Christmas alone. My brother and sister-in-law are heading off to her son’s for their only grandchild’s first Christmas. I am thrilled for them but feeling a bit lonely for myself. We will have Christmas when they get back. My mom is in a nursing home with severe short term memory problems plus advanced senile dementia which has turned her into a suspicious and visious person.
After reading this, I’ve decided to really indulge myself for Christmas. I have an appointment to get my bones scanned on Chgristmas Eve. I’m going to get a really decadent dessert, steak, baked potato and asparagus. Lots of cookies, and spend Christmas reading and catching up on the soaps.
My best Christmas was when I was in grade school. We opened presents and then went over to my aunt and uncle’s house. I was brought over to a hutch just my size. My dad, a carpenter, made there instead of at home so it would be a surprise. I loved it, especially the fact that my dad made it for me.
I was whining to the dental assistant about getting a root canal then getting a new crown and all of a sudden I had a moment and said that I really shouldn’t be complaining as I was able to get all this dentistry done and not worry about it. It got me thinking as our oldest won’t be home for the first time and I am very sad about it, but she lives with my sister and her three kids. She will have a good time. I even made her a new stocking out of NHL Sharks material. We also have been doing more for my MIL as my FIL passed away this year. It will be very different for us this year, but we will get thru it. Plus there is always time to read when they watch their movies ????
Thank you. Your blogs are many things; funny, uplifting, thought provoking, entertaining with a dash of reality thrown in occasionally. Reading your blog is a favorite part of my day. Thank you. May your birthday and holidays be exactly as you wish this year.
Holiday for a musician usually entails 30 plus concerts all shoved into Dec 1-24. It’s fun but exhausting. I quickly learned that making a big dinner on Christmas made me grumpy. I asked my husband one year if he minded if we just did snacks and he loved the idea. Now the whole family goes grocery shopping and picks their favorite snacks for Christmas. Then it gets piled on the table on Christmas and we have a smorgasbord of drinks food and treats. It’s my kids favorite day.
Merry Christmas and thank you for the blog and your mad writing skills!
Retired the beginning of December, 74, single, short of family except for brother in Texas. Christmas =great childhood family memories. Now= a new book to be opened, holiday music, maybe a fave movie( Errol Flynn’s Robin Hood- yes, I know his rep, But it is Christmas), a yummy brunch followed by munching all day. Festive paper plates -Errol won’t tell! A walk thru the neighborhood before dark.Call my brother.
Probably doesn’t sound like Christmas to everybody, but some Christmas is available to most of us.
Hugs & Happy Holidays to Ilona, Gordon & their family! I’m not a fan of Christmas – too commercialized; but I do take the time to give thanks for my health & that of family & friends.
Thanks, Ilona.
Thanks, all commenters.
I’m sitting here wondering whether my husband and I will at least be able to watch some Netflix on the couch and relax in harmony – as we haven’t done in a long time – or whether Christmas vacation will be plagued by ADHD rage meltdowns.
It’s kind of nice to see that we all have our myriad burdens to bear, and no, Christmas doesn’t magically work out if only you open your heart and let love in (as it always does in the movies!).
Christmas for me growing up was always magical, I loved the Christmas specials ( still do, Charley brown, Rudolph, the Grinch,you name it)Putting up a tree and decorating it.when I got older it became more of a chore, it went from being my family to being w relatives ( my dad’s side) on Christmas Eve and it was kind of a bummer. My wife and I enjoyed it ourselves, I remember fondly in our first apartment right out of school that first tree, decorated w cvs bought lights, and a lot of decorations we made.
The low was the year my son was born, 95. My mom died that year, the house we were living in was undergoing renovating and expansion, we had no kitchen during the holidays , and my birth family situation was bad,a lot of stress and my mil was living with us,too. We were both beaten down and literally at an ebb energy wise. If not for our son not sure we would have made it. The one good thing was after that I made a break w my birth family, it was hard but it needed to be done, they were and are toxic waste emotionally.
After that we created new traditions. Every year we went to a tree farm and cut a tree ( my son loved it, me using my own horribly dull saw, inevitably twisting my ankle dragging it to where they would take it to the front of the farm). We have the stump piece for all those years. Last year we did it,and it was typical Covid, for some reason the tree died like 3 days after I put it up. We ended up getting a beautiful artificial from Balsam Hill, so no live tree , prob ever,I miss that ( though my son hasn’t been part of it since 2012, after that was at school when we got the tree).
This year will be just the three of us,my son the peripatic musician, will be home the 23rd ( I was bettung the 25th,), and will fly to Reno for a music festival the 26th ( who knew Reno had a classical music series,?). Not a lot of time, but we will do our own thing, some years we did Chinese food on Christmas, this year will do semi traditional seafood on Christmas Eve and then our usual roast on Christmas day (we don’t eat meat much at all these days).
Happy Holidays to all,esp to the Andrews ,their kids and the various creatures in their world:)
Good for you for breaking from the toxic waste. Most of my family is great but my mom was extremely difficult, and I had to cut contact with her for a year on two separate occasions. After that she was a little more respectful of my boundaries. At one point during my dad’s final decline, I was the only one speaking to her, which my daughters found highly amusing.
I was going to lie low this year, because acting like everything is normal after the bomb went off in the family last month seems wrong. But a dear friend has invited me to Christmas lunch with her, her husband, and two friends, one of whom I know slightly. The friends know nothing about my family situation, and I won’t have to think about it at my friend’s house. I intend to stay a couple of hours and have a good time, then come home to my animals. It will be good, I think.
May we all have a great holiday (of your choice) we all need a break from the crazy year or two that we have lived through. Thanks Ilona and Gordon for making a bit easier. My last family member moved from TX last month so for the first in too many years to count I now have no ties to where I have always thought of as home no matter where I was. Have a great holiday
These blog posts bring me so much peace. Thank you for sharing the kindness.
Your description of growing up & the innocence of childhood melting away reminded me of the movie Belfast. Story from Kenneth Branaugh’s childhood.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to the Gordon home & the BDH ????
Duh, I meant the Andrew’s home ????
Thanks for the awesome advice, especially during this crazy and uncertain time! Amazingly my birthday is also NewYear’s day, and being from the former Soviet Union, it’s so right on how much New Year’s Eve is a huge deal!
My mom’s bday was Christmas day and my Dad’s was New Years Day! I’m the youngest of seven and we had huge gatherings on holidays and often unintentional big gatherings for Sunday dinners. My parents have both been gone for quite a while and our family has had a few deaths and we’ve spread far and wide. I miss those close times very much but try to celebrate whatever makes us smile. Happy Holidays to you and yours. Thanks for making lives brighter with your books.
I had to release my Christmas expectations this year.
My husband got the covid variant, like many, even though he was vaccinated, so his case is very mild. Most likely my actual Christmas day will be our small family out of a preponderance of caution. My husband is mostly recovered but still only a week into his quarantine. For years our family has made the biannual trek to see my family in another state. Usually, I am there on Christmas day. This year I just still hope to visit.
I have another friend who will likely spend Christmas sharing her time between two daughters one on hospice at home and another in the hospital. My heart breaks for her and her isolation due to hospital covid precautions.
This could be depressing, however, this will be the most unique Christmas to date. I will see my family, eventually. I will exchange gifts and see the reactions to those gifts, eventually. My friends daughter will come home, eventually. My husband will be negative, eventually.
This Christmas is about resiliency and finding joy in the small moments. My Christmas this year may stretch out over weeks as I find the opportunity to share Christmas with everyone, eventually. As long as I am here I have a choice on how life impacts me. I choose to embrace Christmas where I find it.