This is what it’s like. The last 24 hours or so, most of it today. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only, and attempts to get into political fights will be squashed.
Me: Hi, Grace?
Grace: Yes?
Me: Hey, so we’re having a slow moving chase down I-10 with a magical tiger. I know you drive that route a lot. Do you remember any overpasses?
#
Y: Here is the proposed design for the interior of the book. Thoughts?
Me: Lovely. Nancy?
Nancy: Love it, the only small thing is the title spacing on the T.O.C. page: Sweep in Peace looks like it’s actually Sweep inP eace, due to the swelegant capital P.
Y: No problem. Here is the updated version.
#
Facebook: Any idea when OFS will be available on audible? I can’t wait!!
#
The following is a confirmation of E-File activity.
We have received notification from the state of TX that your filing of TX C-3 for the period 10/01/2016-12/31/2016 for Ilona Andrews Inc was successful.
#
From Facebook: I may have missed a blog post…just wondering if there is a time table for Innkeeper 4, or is there too much going on right now?
#
> > > > second paragraph from bottom of page 248, which mentions that the
> > > > family tree contains star symbols indicating current/former family
> > > > heads and italics indicating deceased. The family tree diagram on
> > > > page 249 contains none of these elements (star symbols/italics).
> > > > Is this ok or do the authors want to submit revised artwork containing these elements?
Me: We’ve got some negative feedback, because the word p***y reminds people of Trump, and that’s not an association we want at that particular part of the book. So I need to edit p***y out of my manuscript, and I’m running out of synonyms, and Gordon is no help because he just laughs…
this probably won’t actually be that helpful, but i found this Pocket Guide to Vaginal Euphemisms…..
http://feministing.com/2010/11/02/a-pocket-guide-to-vaginal-euphemisms/
Thank you for that! This conundrum reminds me of seems in Katie McAllister books.
*scenes*!
I learn the most interesting things here!
LOL!!!! I lost it on the first one, “Abyss, The”. Oh Ilona pleeeease use twat waffle ???? the color codes had me rolling.
Oh, man. One of the euphemisms is Mount Pleasant. Some states (like my home state of Michigan) have towns called Mount Pleasant. I’ll never be able to say any of the following with a straight face again.
– I drove through Mount Pleasant
– I didn’t get to/as far as Mount Pleasant
– I came from Mount Pleasant
– He lives in Mount Pleasant
I had the same thought but from a different angle so…
Plumy (for the lady who likes a preened p***y)
Platy (used by gentlemen who are seafood fans)
Prexy (That’s Mrs’s President to you)
🙂
You totally made me laugh! A great surprise and gift, since it has been such a hard week. Thank You, thank you.
Um, so if I could stop laughing maybe I could think of something but it all depends on the situation in which that word is used. If this is the word I am thinking of. Is this a derogatory usage, intiment moment or someone trying to be funny??
Cooter?. Because referring to body parts with a type of turtle is always funny there are Texas River Cooter turtles in this area of Texas that your books take place so you would be geographically accurate at least. I am one of those people who stop to pluck turtles out of traffic. So when someone else is driving and I yell “Stop! There is a cooter on the road the response is usually hilarious confusion.
Man, you’ve had a lot of stress. I see J was her usual self. But it was a funny question.
Ha! In my defense, this is a more detailed description of that conversation:
Ilona *in a very solemn voice*: I need to ask you for a big favor.
Me: Okay. What’s up?
Ilona: *sounding even more solemn* It’s a really big favor.
Me: Okaaaaaaaaay. What is it?
Ilona: It’s actually a little nasty.
Me: *tongue in cheek* Finally, this friendship is paying off!
Ilona: Oh, please. Here it is: I need your help to find another word for pussy.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAA! *this might have lasted for a full minute* All right, what’s the context? Give me the sentence it’s used in.
Ilona: *stunned silence*
Me: Come on! I mean, is it used as an insult? Or a body part?
Ilona: Body part. It’s in a sex scene, but it’s killing the mood for some readers because (her explanation above.)
Me: Okay! Well…*now picture Ilona and I brainstorming euphemisms for the next ten minutes, with quite a few giggles. At one point, I said something like, “Clit works for me sometimes, too,” and Ilona replied,”Oh, I like clit” to which I instantly said, “I am SO putting that on Twitter without any context, hahahahahaaa!*
So I WAS helpful…but yes, there was lots of snickering before, during, and after said helpfulness ;).
I could be wrong, but did you ask Jennie Frost for alternative wording for pu**y and not expect a Dr. Evil laugh? You must be tired. 🙂
*peeking from behind book*
But what is wrong with p***y. I must admit it sounds better than Mother of all Souls. My all time favorite though is punani or punanny. But I am a Caribbean girl. Heard it in too many songs.
*ducking behind book*
This made me think of the skit by Russell Peters: My father thought punani was a tropical fruit.
Thank you so much for sharing!
And here i thought writer’s block was the worst thing authors had to suffer through.
BTW, if this were my family, we’d laugh like Gordon and J(eanine?), but then we’d start using p***y in every sentence, just to drive you nuts.
Awe Tink, I love you and I am so glad I don’t live with you.
Yep! Me too!
If I wander around my house muttering p***y I get the “strange humans” looks from my cats meows of “What? What do you want? Which of us are you talking to? Food?”
me too !
Personally my preference is hoo-hah.
Lol. This made me smile; thank you for sharing.
If you’re looking for new things to give away, a plushie Sgt. Teddy would be AWESOME.
Ooo ooo I want a Sgt. Teddy. Puhleeze!!!!
Me 3!
Yup
That’s going to be a hellava list.
Costco has those 93 inch plush bears. If I ever get one I now know what his name will be!
Are you using it as another word for coward?
Or as a guy saying he’s going out to get some sex?
So, anyone else having trouble posting? You can write but it vanishes when post button is clicked?
Yep! If this appears it will be a first for me, as all my other attempts have vanished. Perhaps there is a rift in the space/time continuum with a thread of lost comments trying to get home.
that was happening to me the other day. I knew the post poofed because when the page stopped thinking, I was at the top of the page, instead of down in the comments.
I was assured that I was not in comment jail, and also, I didn’t get a cookie.
Okay, that was a good laugh at the end of a long week.
Synonyms for p***y definitely depend on the context.
So.. Can I ask another question? It pertains to Hidden Legacy, so I feel like it is a valid tangent. But, feel free to ignore and think of other words for p***y (of course, I have always like va-jj, just saying.. )
With the releases of White Hot and Wildfire coming out, I know there was talk of re-releasing Burn for Me, and you would edit or add a Rogan POV story to it. (I feel like it was mentioned in the blog post about the delayed releases.) Anyways, I was wondering if that was going to happen? I already have a copy of Burn for Me, oh awesome and most gracious Author Lord, but if I have to buy the new copy with the additional material, I must ensure to save my lunch money. Thanks for you patience and be overall amazing!
Nope. We didn’t get to add extra to it, because we are behind. 🙁
Thank you for asking. I had the reissue on my to-buy list because of the promised bonus material. Now I know better.
Cooter?. It would be geographically accurate at least since we do have Texas River Cooter turtles in this area of Texas. It’s great when you tell someone to stop a vehicle because there is a cooter on the road.
Rofl
Cooter … oh my… made me laugh and that would be a gotcha moment. It also made me think of snow snakes…yes some totally gullible people will buy that (think Snipe hunting)… fictional but oh, how you can get someone going with that one.
My brother has the best gift of gab on pulling outlandish stories and then waits to see if you figure it out … he has just pulled your leg.
Anyone else start humming the theme song from the Dukes of Hazzard when you read Cooter?
Yep. Makes you wonder how a guy would get that kind of name.
I just snort-laughed so hard reading your comment that I surprised myself. Well played.
We in Texas have many wonderful reptiles that can be used as code words for genitalia. I forgot to mention last night the Texas Blind Snake. Another real animal with hilarious usage.
Where I live we have Cooter Pond and every year there is a big Cooter festival. This year some of the shirts had the phrase: Peace, Love and Cooter.
I died laughing every time I saw the shirt.
I vote for hoo-hah.
This is a classic.
Very entertaining. I suppose your female genitalia alternatives will be dependant on who is using it. Bug’s new favorite outburst wont really match up to Grandma Frida’s derision. Of course Betty White makes me a liar. Check out “Lake Placid”.
And I gotta say BWAHAHA…priceless.
Y’know, “Stuffed Ferrets” would make a great band name!
Or a pseudonym for male genitalia, since we’re on the subject.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. That thought… *shudder*
Would you prefer plums? ?
Especially velvet plums. Gah now I need to go re-read that section of the Kate book again
Rambutans and Branch, pom poms and baton, twig and berries, hairy mellons and vine, tarambulo and stock
Boudas.
Pom poms and baton! OMG. I need to find a way to work that into a book.
Jimmy and The Twins.
WWDS
What would Desandra say?
ROTFLMAO!
I still think Roland & Desandra would be pure gold!
Do Roman?
Do you mean Roman? Because Roland is uh, shudder.
yaaaaaa…..it wasn’t the word p***y that was the problem, just what the President Elect thought he was entitled to do to said p***y. As women I think we shouldn’t let him ruin a perfectly good name for a perfectly good female part. Personally I would leave it as is and not substitute another word.
Hopefully that wasn’t political.
The publisher changed the title of one of C J Cherryh’s books from _Chanur’s [something or other]_ to _The KIf Strike Back_ because the Star Wars movies were trendy at the time. The other four books in the series all have “Chanur” in the title. Years (decades, even) up the line, the title is highly anachronistic.
“Tw*t” is outright vulgar and mostly an explicit insult. “P***y” is much less vulgar and much less intended to be insulted. (Calling someone a p***y denotes “softness”…. and calling someone a p***ycat” can even be a term of appreciative endearment (I know a couple who’ve been using it that way for all the decades I’ve known them). Calling some a tw*t is nothing but an insult/putdown.
There’s quim or quiv, which is somewhat archaic, but much less vulgar etc.
Is there any need for language similar to rapists and slavers, at all ?
Women have been using that word for years, especially in Romance, specifically in Erotic Romance, which a lot of women find empowering. 🙂
Personally, I’ve never cared for the p-word as referring to 1) genitalia or 2) genitalia–>wimpiness.
On another note, I received my paper copy of One Fell Sweep a couple of days ago and am very pleased.
Personally, I’ve never cared for the p-word as referring to 1) genitalia or 2) genitalia–>wimpiness.
As non-native English speaker, the p-word mostly just sounds funny to me, in large part because of the cat meaning (puddytat!), so for me it works best in a humorous context. For example, when I was reading both the first and final scene of OFS, several jokes involving the p-word came to mind due to the timely combination of “jogging,” Dina’s (later absent) Hello Kitty T-shirt, and Sean meeting Olasard. So I wouldn’t have clutched any pearls if Sean had made some joke mentioning p**** in that context.
That said, for non-comedic sex scenes, I think the p-word sounds a bit…unclassy, especially for the heroine to use in description of her own body. Unfortunately, 99.9% of all other words for genitalia sound equally bad or worse. So romance authors don’t have it easy—all it takes is one unfortunate word choice to make the scene sound unromantic or unintentionally hilarious. Hence, this site (NFSW for bad sex scene quotes). It’s well worth reading on any day you need a laugh. It has marvelous quotes like, “He stepped out of his pants and stood there hairy and naked, like a sexy Big Foot.” Unexpectedly, the Bible is also among the works quoted.
On another note, I received my paper copy of One Fell Sweep a couple of days ago and am very pleased.
Same here. It looked great and seemed a lot thicker than either CS and SiP even though I think the page count was roughly in the same range as SiP’s. OFS looks more like a solid novel than the other two.
Re: the bad romance novel quote site. This post is one of the funniest and doesn’t include any sex quotes. It’s got several quotes from an older romance novel called The Catch of Texas which apparently is a work of accidental comedic genius. The love interest is named Frank Scheblocki and the heroine hates his name so much, she considers forcing him to change it for the sake of their future children.
*looks it up on Amazon*
It’s available on Kindle, the reviewers all gave it 1 star and say it’s the worst book they ever read. Clearly, I need to buy it.
Dear Me those quotes from The Catch Of Texas are awful. Though I am going to look for it through the library systems. I might regret it though.
Ah, the author is Lass Small. That explains a lot. She had a… unique writing style. Prolific and… memorable.
Someone should start a band call “P***y and the Stuffed Ferrets”
It would be an instant smash.
People would come for miles… to… just… grab… aho….
*dies*
I can’t keep going I’m laughing too hard!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t stop laughing.
Boy, does it feel good now.
Interesting week. Good Luck on finding a word
Oh my. I never realized that being an author required such dexterity of mind. One could get whip lash from the direction changes. Depending on the situation almost any word or set of words can define someone’s genitalia. Too bad one has to change ones writing because of the political climate. On a different note how about a stuffed aardvark? I admire the effort that you go to for us your readers and followers.
I’m not sure that the p***y word is a big issue – I hadn’t connected it with Mr Trump myself and wonder if the word association might be a passing thing? If you do feel the need to change it, however, how about starting a new euphemism for p***y and sub it with ferret – lends a whole new level of meaning to the suggested give-away… ?
The stuffed ferrets comment just finished the whole thing off for me. 🙂
I always thought “sex” was a nice inoffensive euphemism that didn’t sound too clinical or cutesy. It gets tired if used too often, but so does everything else. 🙂
Different strokes for different folks. (bahahhaahaha :D) I HATE when “sex” is used as a euphemism. It’s already an act, to me its lazy writing when there are so many other fun ones, lol.
What I have wondered is why is it that the proper/medical/scientific terms for body parts sound wrong or at least more jarring when used. The word in question when used to label body parts encompasses many different yet connected parts of the female anatomy. One of which is internal. The vagina is not visible from the outside yet usually when used in books outside of medical texts it is used to describe the whole front half of the female reproductive tract. Maybe just go with tract.
My takeaway from this blog post was, “YAAAAASSSSSSSSS!!!! MORE DALIIIIII SCENES!!!!!!!!”
That is all.
Oh wait.
Pussy is a perfectly acceptable word for cunt, twat, vagina, and as my 3 yo refers to it “mommy’s penis”.
He who shall not be named does not get to take it away from us. He doesn’t have the power.
heh. my 3 yo calls it “front butt.”
Genitalia names are one thing, from silly to simple. I personally strongly dislike the male use of female parts or female gender to mean cowardly, or another word be the worst slur one can call them.
By the pricking of my thumb, something pedantic this way comes. -Ms opinionated 1950.
A lot of my associates use yoni, which is a term for the divine feminine.
This reminds me of magazine “The Beaver” which changed its name to ” Canadian History” without the worries about politics and political associations.
I love all the posts! I’ve heard the term “kitty-kat” for female parts. Everyone else has already used the others. ☺
Ilona, what a nice day’s work. Look at the screams of fun your readers are having following your revelations. I do believe this thread has taken on a life of it’s own. LOL!
In Ireland, we use the word “gee” instead of p***y. Also becomes geebag. No one knows what it means but it is used like d***head.
Also, Makes reading Indian recipes really amusing ? ‘ghee’ is not the same as ‘gee’ ?
Also Gee-eyed for when your drunk
I find the word c**t worse than p***y. But since people are associating the “p” word with the ah… ah… incoming President, good luck with finding it or if you do find it, bravo.
A stuffed ferret contest would be wonderful. Just make sure the coloration of the prize contains no orange.
Hmmm, he’s not the first or only person to use that phrase. Honestly I think of Clint Eastwood when I hear , IF I think of anyone in pasrticular. If a word fits a situation or character and you want to use it, temporary political situations should not influnece you on something as minor as a specific word usage. Your call, but I think some of your reviewers are being overly dramatic.
For me, I find the p-word and others including the overuse of the f-word distracting to the scene. I see more and more authors resorting to a step by step description like it’s an instruction manual on sex instead of an erotic/romantic scene. We already know the mechanics of what’s put where. To me, authors who describe the act in general terms (he drove into her core/center) and the emotions in detail is more erotic/satisfying than reading F*** Me F*** Me, he drove his cock into her p***y.
Have to agree with you Carol. I have to mention I have been turned off of authors I have read for years because of the step by step approach.
Loved all the comments – always need such a good laugh.
I do not have a problem with most of the euphemisms for male or female except for c**t because it is only implies a derogatory meaning (never cute or funny like others). Comedian Iliza Schlesinger (I think I this is correct spelling) wants to start referring to the whole female area as a “snootch” (War Paint comedy special). Whole explanation is hilarious!
Hmmm I was thinking of the words use as an insult to a guy’s manliness rather than an anatomical feature. I’m not a fan of it’s use either, or the “c” word…well either one actually (male or female anatomy) but realize finding modern fiction totally clear of that sort of thing is virtually impossible unless I just want to read children’s stories
I literally laughed out loud.
At your troubles.
I’m sorry and I’m not, and thank you very much for a pick me up I needed at the end of this very very very long monday.
These author anecdotes made me laugh. Thanks for sharing!?
I can’t believe me – I couldn’t work out what word Ilona was referring to! It wasn’t until I got to the comments the penny dropped – I didn’t think I was that innocent 😉
Muff is an English word for it. The c- word, as some have suggested, is regarded as very bad swearing in the UK, worse than the f-word.
ROTFLOL!
Thank you for the revelations and more importantly for the comments! The one that really got me was the one about “Gee” and the Indian recipes.
Years ago, I was reading a Chinese version of the Kama Sutra, and they had many flowery names for both male and female anatomy (ex; Jade Stalk). The only female one I remember is Moist Cave, because I thought it was funny (also, my then boyfrinnd made spelunking jokes). I have to say, this site is always educational and entertaining.