Out of Office: Please Advise

From: bookdevouringhorde@ilonaverse.galaxy
To: ALL
Subject: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry

Hello,

This is Steve.

I don’t think this is an emergency, everyone is still breathing. Unfortunately, so is that weird artifact we brought back on the last Horde raid.

Before accusations start flying, I only touched it a little bit, and honestly, I think it was already doing that before I got close.

Ilona is at the Austin event, Mod R is moving house, and “someone responsible” was supposed to watch the inbox. Since I barely managed to regain access, I’m just being proactive. I have no idea who keeps changing the passwords.

Again, not an emergency, but if you are able to assist with breathing artifacts and consequences that are technically nobody’s fault, please advise.

Regards,
Steve
Acting Temporary Emergency Liaison
Book Devouring Horde
Not an emergency (probably)

The following are auto-replies translated from the Ilonaverse audio stream. Accuracy not guaranteed. Alien dialects, growling and chanting have been rendered into English for your convenience:

From: House Baylor casefiles@baylorinvestigationsagency.bia
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry

Thank you for contacting Baylor Investigative Agency.

Due to a high caseload, we are currently prioritizing active investigations, client emergencies, Prime-related incidents, and magical misconduct.

Please forward all relevant details, including names, dates, known magical abilities, House affiliations, and a brief summary of the incident.

Leon will be in touch.

From: Solentine Dagarra wecome&stabu@shears.kairtoren
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry

You should not have this address.

You should not know this route exists.

You should not use the code “BDH” in open correspondence.

I will discover who gave you this access. I will discover what you know, who you shared it with, and why your small glowing rectangle keeps asking me to accept pastries.

One of my people will come to you. You will not see them arrive. You will not know they are there.

From: frontdesk@gertrudehunt.earthinns
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry

Thank you for contacting Gertrude Hunt.

The innkeepers are currently away on urgent Baha-char business. All messages will be rerouted through First Scholar Thek, Sage of the Great Tree, and will be accompanied by an existential essay, which you may freely ignore, although you would learn a lot from it.

Gertrude Hunt will be happy to welcome you next week, when our in-house chef will be debuting the new summer menu.

---

From: K9-47 Bear woof@sadrinmoore.ops
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry

Automated reply generated by paw.

Ada and I are out on breach business.

If this is sadrin business, state your message after the woof and we will get back to you as soon as we’re back.

Stay away from the purple flowers.

From: Chernobog, the Dark Serpent, Ruler of the Freezing Cold gruelingfields@darkness.nav
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry

YOU HAVE REACHED THE SHADOW BENEATH THE ROOT.

THE GATES OF NAV ARE OPEN ONLY TO THE INVITED, THE DOOMED, AND THE VERY FOOLISH.

Audio stream translation error. Transcription code not prepared for the Old Magic. Please restart all devices.

Error. Old Slavonic chanting not supported.

Phizzzzzzz.

Steve would like to remind everyone that this is still not an emergency.

If an emergency does occur, I am still around in the comments and contact form, just slightly slowed down by moving boxes.