ILONA ANDREWS

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author

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  1. I perform a one hour long comedy and magic routine 3-5 times daily, Monday to Friday, for an audience of captive teenagers between the ages 12 and 18.

    • High school Art/Science teacher ???
      ????
      Those are difficult ages …that need good examples of good people …Thank you !

  2. I am CENSORED – PRIORITY CLEARANCE ONLY and often have to CENSORED – PRIORITY CLEARANCE ONLY. But it’s actually quite boring. Don’t tell anyone however, it’s all very hush, hush.
    ????

    • Sounds like my husband’s former job. Clearance required to push electrons around all day. One of my friend’s thought he was a meeting planner since talking about the difficulties in herding cats for meetings was about the only thing that wouldn’t be redacted.

  3. I worry about problems other people may have, and try to figure out how to detect and mitigate them.

  4. I undermine the patriarchy by making the person I support so dependant on my assistance he is helpless without me.

  5. I convince 4 legged animals that the poking and prodding that occurs is not going to kill them. I then go and tell the attached people that further poking and prodding is needed, why it costs so much, and why it is needed. I then get to listen to a variety of answers, so of which occasionally accuse me of being only in my industry for the money.

  9. I go to one of several big box stores, do work, but not for the store, and tell the insane people running around grabbing stuff that I don’t actually work for the store.

  10. I teach business owners how to exploit human weaknesses in order to make more money.
    Muhahaha ????

  12. I am an essential worker for an essential supplier to essential services. We stayed open and I kept going to the office. We create and ship a lot of the Covid signage you have seen in businesses that were allowed to remain open in Canada during pandemic.

  13. I attempt to manage life and death on a schedule without controlling the time-line, environment, or any of the other major variables involved.

  14. I harass people to make sure they produce the documents or set up items on time.

    I am a project manager 🙂

    • I am held responsible for the successful delivery of an outcome when I have no control over the time, budget or scope of said outcome. Long live the Project Managers!!!!

  15. I am retired now, but for many years I herded cats. In turn these highly educated cats herded teenage cats. I extolled the virtues of independent thinking while trying to keep everyone in line. The cats often won.

  16. I am a jailer at a Short term Prison for Little People, where we force them to respect rules they don’t wish to respect. Then the mood strikes us, we put them in a special room full of plushies, or as punishment … We are their gods for 8 hours or less

  19. I am a mass murderer on the microscopic level. Their deaths make delicious crusts.

  22. I make recommendations and convince people to buy the lies that stress them out and then make them feel better.

  23. I inspire people to spend money on supplies they intend to use for their hobby. We all know they will never actually use the supplies. Everyone is happy.
    .
    .
    .
    (Yarn store staff.)

  25. I convince people to give us their boxes of paper, I look in the box and explain what the paper means, and then help other people find the paper they need in the boxes.

  28. I translate what the people in the Land of ‘Money’ want from the people in the Land of ‘Geek’, and vice versa .

    Most of the time I’m pretty good. However both sides keep talking in newspeak, changing grammer, using slang & rude hand gestures.

    It’s pretty silly most days.

    • I obviously did not read the spec. properly- and should have said less! LOL sorry

    • ???? love your description.
      I start by taking their dreams and wishes and annoy everybody by only translating what is feasible to implement …

  29. I put babies in boxes for viewing pleasure and periodically torture them with sharp objects to harvest their blood for “reasons”.

  30. I watch children so the parents are able to go spend a night having adult conversations. It’s great for marriage.

  33. I’m a licensed drug dealer. I use drugs to put people to sleep, spend time making sure that they stay alive, while dealing with people with God complexes. Then wake them up after they received their scheduled injuries ????(anesthesiologist)

    • Hah! You forgot about being accused of looking at the entire internet while doing all of the above!

      Your friendly cussing scrub tech

      Also, it’s always your fault! ????

    • “dealing with people with God complexes” made me LOL. (neurologist here, who’s had more than enough dealing with those “gods”)

  36. I re-imagine the world in my own colors and get upset when people think it’s quite nice, but not enought for them to spend thier money on it

  37. People pay me to tell them and the government how much they owe or how much they are owed.

  38. I cast spells, causing my minions to do my bidding (well, at least sometimes.) When it is time for them to take sustenance, I apply a glamour to their meals that causes them to think they are consuming whatever they desire without their also sensing the extra ingredients I added (things that they would not knowingly eat.) A Mom’s work is never done!

  39. I spend my days being yelled at by individuals who have issues operating simple websites, not being allowed to get discounts on items that aren’t on sale, lied to about UPS/USPS/neighbors/aliens stealing packages they signed for, wanting to return worn items from 2017, and being called stupid for minimal health insurance.

  40. I use power tools to infiltrate peoples spines and brains. I also use sharp things to access their bellies and chest cavities. Then me and my team route around and do things.

    (I am a surgical technologist.)

  41. I promote better living through chemistry and protect people’s bodies by picking apart other scientists’ original research.

  42. I make people feel bad about how they work. I also force people to do things they may or may not want to do in a timely manner. Because I am an enabler I don’t get blamed when things don’t work.

  43. According to someone I don’t speak with any more, I sit on Facebook all day annoying people and f**king around. (I’m a computer consultant).

  46. I make sure that what we say we have is actually what we have. Also ensure that we have as much as we will need in the future.

  47. I lead a team of people who try to help people understand and enjoy while also trying to prevent them from ruining the place so your children’s children can enjoy one day.

  49. I tell people “no, I can tell you what tax form you need, or how to fill out that legal form, but I can help you get to a website where you can find that information —and no I don’t know your password.”

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