Apparently, writing one little post warning the BDH about spam was enough to fling open the gates of chaos.
For the past couple of weeks, the blog has become a magnet for unsolicited messages from every corner of the multiverse. My personal theory? The immortal wereferret who solves crimes in space finally found Wi-Fi and interdimensional spam filters are still in beta.
Here is just this morning’s batch, for your blocking pleasure:
Are you tired of being a mere Significant? Does your family gathering feel incomplete without a Prime or two? Do whispers of ‘failing vector’ follow you around at work?
I am Doctor Arkanum, senior distributor of Authentic Natural Organic Osiris Serum, harvested directly from the source in the Summoner’s Jungle, and distilled in the finest Texan research laboratories.
For a limited time only, one injection will unlock your hidden potential, enhance your magic, and possibly grow you an extra spleen! Changes guaranteed* within 24 hours.
Hurry, offer only available while stocks last!
Disclaimer:
Results of change may vary. Primeship is an aim, not a promise. Possible side effects include (but are absolutely not limited to): spontaneous combustion, becoming a sentient shade of the color blue, swimming in swamps, uncontrollable craving for raw chicken
Bot or no, it’s just an all-round bad idea!
Hello Glorious Inheritors of the Magic Age,
I, Roland, Great Nimrod of Shinar, Builder of Towers, and Occasional Father of Disappointingly Independent Daughters, wish to use this golden medium to inform you that I am now accepting new worshippers and real-estate investors.
If you’ve ever bemoaned crumbling city walls and the lack of proper ziggurat infrastructure, I am the Sharum for you!
For a modest tithe (and your undying loyalty), I shall raise for you a tower so magnificent even the magic waves will pause to admire it.
Act now! Supplies of divine favor are limited. Contact: rolandtheeternal@neigrealm.biz
Who do the Remaining think they are fooling? Everyone sees right through their schemes to besmirch Elara’s name.
My name is BRYNDA from the Western Marshes, and I just want to use this blessed opportunity to testify about the Great LORD D’AMBRAY and LADY ELARA of Baile Castle!!
For months I was suffering from a terrible CURSE that made my left eye see ghosts and my right eye see tax collectors. The healers of the Order said there was NO HOPE for me. I tried charms, holy water, even a low-level trip to the Death Waters of Nav, but nothing worked until I read about the MIRACLE TOUCH of Lady Elara and the mighty prayers of her husband, Lord Hugh D’Ambray, former Preceptor of the Iron Dogs.
I sent a raven to their HOLY SANCTUARY and, praise be, within 48 hours a spectral mist appeared in my chicken coop! I awoke to find the curse lifted, my hens doubled in size, and my ex-husband mysteriously bald. Truly their power knows no bounds!!
If you are living with ANY CURSE, AILMENT, or MINOR DEMONIC INCURSION, do not delay!
Write immediately to: Sanctuary of Healing and Redemption, care of Brother Irosi the Remainer.
Messenger birds carrying gold only! DO NOT send silver by post (the wards reject it).
And finally, this is obviously not Dina (who ensures all her guests survive!), but it is the one I almost fell for. Holidays at the inn would make everything better.
Gertrude Hunt: where the holiday spirit occasionally bites back!
For the more discerning guest with a taste for danger: book your Christmas stay at our intimate Inn before the upcoming minor planetary incursion and receive the ultimate gift of the season: survival.
Included amenities:
Complimentary tea service, even during invasions.
Plasma-proof tinsel decorations
A Red Cleaver chef still banned in five star systems
Former galactic tyrant dinner companion
No surcharge for hovercrafts full of eels
Holiday breaks count for double loyalty stamps toward your next galactic summit! (Survival required to redeem.)
Ha ha, thanks for putting a smile on my face!
The blog title made me laugh all by itself. And then the rest of it! Thanks for this.
Good ones, thanks
ah the dreams. I would click on all of them 😉
Absolutely brilliant! As alway.
Haha! Love it, Mod R!
“Former galactic tyrant dinner companion”
Personally I share Gaston’s disappointment that Caldenia is not taking apprentices.
This gave me a much needed chuckle at the end of a long day – thanks ModR!
Hilarious. Just flat hilarious.
Is “sentient shade of the color blue” a nod to Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy or did I miss something?
Sometimes Spam can be fun
I love these. I would totally go for a winter holiday with a Red Cleaver chef and a charming despot (retired).
Such a pleasure to read this post and have a belly laugh!
Of course, no wonder I keep reading and enjoying all the books in their different formats. Thank you for all your hard work and creative aplomb. I do appreciate it very much.
Haha shall tell hubby about the “hovercraft is full of eels reference”! He’d be pleased as he introduced me to the sketch by Monty Python.
Marvellous!!
This was absolutely delightful! Here I was braced for spam, and instead got several lovely references to my favourite books. Makes me want to go and reread them all. You are insanely creative and funny Mod R! My metaphorical hat is off to you.
Snort
GADZOOKS!!!!! I find myself bereft, realizing that my twisted little mind never came close to dreaming up any such missive.
OMG! I don’t know what set this off but I needed the laugh! Thank you!
Hehe loved this but which to choose ?
As always a pleasure to read 💖🐾
Made my day – superb !!!!
I’m so out of it, I read Prime and was thinking what does Amazon Prime have to do with anything? Are they mucking up our Kindle orders???
Took me a moment to recalibrate, but when I did! Hilarious 😂
Love this
I love it sooo much! Thank you!
This is, definitely, what shows how influential people can be. They are now seeking out blogs to contact people in this realm.
😄😂🤣 So creative! Hereafter any time I see one of those annoying sales pitches I will think of these and laugh as I hit the delete/block link.
This made me laugh!
Now those are some imaginative spam adds! LOL
Keep spamming me if this is a sampling of what’s coming in the emailbox!
ps I signed up for a Tower
I don’t normally comment, but these had me rolling!! 🤣🤣
when I first saw the title, I thought Amazon Prime was causing you problems. 😅
Hilarious!!!
That was great! Thank you! Roland’s email was clever.
Sounds legit. Swear to God, I’ve received spam that reads like this.
I too see tax collectors with my right eye.
You made me spit out my tea, lol!
How annoying! (I love this. Thank you.)
All the laughter hyperboles! Almost snorted my coffee. Thank you, you oh so clever being.
you know how a lot of books start each chapter with an excerpt of an in-world text for plot or world-building purposes?
I propose that all future House Andrews books start each chapter with an in-world spam. Because these are fantastic.
That’s the kind of spam I’d like to receive.
😂😂😂😂😂
love it all!! BUT … now I am yearning for a hovercrat full of eels to crash the Inn, a la the Magic Clams!!!!
(puhleeze?)
absolutely hysterical. Thank you so much for brightening my day
Thank for this morning’s laugh.
Y’know, my German teacher in 10th grade in high school taught us a German phrase for “my hovercraft is full of eels.” My very old (50 years) memory is that it was Mein weberschaft ist voll von allen. My memory is probably wrong. I never did learn that phrase in Welsh.
I would like to make a reservation for Gertrude Hunt!
Hahaha!
Ah, well I don’t know Innkeeper or HL as well as KD, but Roland would never ask for worshipers and Hugh is still the Preceptor of the Iron Dogs. He’s just not working for Roland anymore. Gotta spot the clues to not fall for fakes.
Thanks for ruining it for me Steph D!
OMG This is fantastic. Thank you for making me smile today
Gawd! I do love this group.
The Roland one was real good! Made me miss Kate & Curran 🥲
This was an awesome post!
Proof that not only has Mod R read spam a plenty, but that the evil commercials have attacked her, too!
And her response is the best revenge, she did it better than they ever could.
👏👏👏 Go Mod R!