Primes Hate This One Trick

Apparently, writing one little post warning the BDH about spam was enough to fling open the gates of chaos.

For the past couple of weeks, the blog has become a magnet for unsolicited messages from every corner of the multiverse. My personal theory? The immortal wereferret who solves crimes in space finally found Wi-Fi and interdimensional spam filters are still in beta.

Here is just this morning’s batch, for your blocking pleasure:

Are you tired of being a mere Significant? Does your family gathering feel incomplete without a Prime or two? Do whispers of ‘failing vector’ follow you around at work?
I am Doctor Arkanum, senior distributor of Authentic Natural Organic Osiris Serum, harvested directly from the source in the Summoner’s Jungle, and distilled in the finest Texan research laboratories.
For a limited time only, one injection will unlock your hidden potential, enhance your magic, and possibly grow you an extra spleen! Changes guaranteed* within 24 hours.
Hurry, offer only available while stocks last!

^{Disclaimer:
Results of change may vary. Primeship is an aim, not a promise. Possible side effects include (but are absolutely not limited to): spontaneous combustion, becoming a sentient shade of the color blue, swimming in swamps, uncontrollable craving for raw chicken}

Bot or no, it’s just an all-round bad idea!

Hello Glorious Inheritors of the Magic Age,

I, Roland, Great Nimrod of Shinar, Builder of Towers, and Occasional Father of Disappointingly Independent Daughters, wish to use this golden medium to inform you that I am now accepting new worshippers and real-estate investors.
If you’ve ever bemoaned crumbling city walls and the lack of proper ziggurat infrastructure, I am the Sharum for you!
For a modest tithe (and your undying loyalty), I shall raise for you a tower so magnificent even the magic waves will pause to admire it.

Act now! Supplies of divine favor are limited. Contact: rolandtheeternal@neigrealm.biz

Who do the Remaining think they are fooling? Everyone sees right through their schemes to besmirch Elara’s name.

My name is BRYNDA from the Western Marshes, and I just want to use this blessed opportunity to testify about the Great LORD D’AMBRAY and LADY ELARA of Baile Castle!!
For months I was suffering from a terrible CURSE that made my left eye see ghosts and my right eye see tax collectors. The healers of the Order said there was NO HOPE for me. I tried charms, holy water, even a low-level trip to the Death Waters of Nav, but nothing worked until I read about the MIRACLE TOUCH of Lady Elara and the mighty prayers of her husband, Lord Hugh D’Ambray, former Preceptor of the Iron Dogs.
I sent a raven to their HOLY SANCTUARY and, praise be, within 48 hours a spectral mist appeared in my chicken coop! I awoke to find the curse lifted, my hens doubled in size, and my ex-husband mysteriously bald. Truly their power knows no bounds!!
If you are living with ANY CURSE, AILMENT, or MINOR DEMONIC INCURSION, do not delay!
Write immediately to: Sanctuary of Healing and Redemption, care of Brother Irosi the Remainer.
Messenger birds carrying gold only! DO NOT send silver by post (the wards reject it).

And finally, this is obviously not Dina (who ensures all her guests survive!), but it is the one I almost fell for. Holidays at the inn would make everything better.

Gertrude Hunt: where the holiday spirit occasionally bites back!

For the more discerning guest with a taste for danger: book your Christmas stay at our intimate Inn before the upcoming minor planetary incursion and receive the ultimate gift of the season: survival.

Included amenities:
Complimentary tea service, even during invasions.
Plasma-proof tinsel decorations
A Red Cleaver chef still banned in five star systems
Former galactic tyrant dinner companion
No surcharge for hovercrafts full of eels

Holiday breaks count for double loyalty stamps toward your next galactic summit! (Survival required to redeem.)