Today I bring you a laugh at my expense.
Normally our life is boring.
Writing Maggie is very consuming, and having a set routine really helps. I’m not going to bore you with our daily schedule. Most of it revolves around writing the sequel to This Kingdom and signing the tip sheets. The never ending tip sheets. A tip sheet is a signed page that is bound into a special edition hardcover, and we have a lot of them at the moment.
Unfortunately, this fall wrecked our schedule. I had cataract surgery, which shot our workout routine in the foot. We had to say good bye to one of our family pets. It was time, and I’m not going to talk about it too much, because it is very difficult. (Miss Sookie in the photograph above is still very much alive, no worries.) And then Gordon, Kid 2, and her boyfriend went to an Irish pub to see a show, and Gordon brought back a horrible cold.
This is some crud from the deepest bowels of frozen hell. I mean, this plague is so bad, we were coughing nonstop and drowning in mucus. I tested us for flu and Covid, even though we had shots, and it is not either one of those. It is just some Holiday Cold.
Anyway, we’ve been struggling with it for over a week and the night before last was especially awful. Gordon coughed and woke me up, then I coughed and woke him up, and we got maybe 3 hours of sleep. But we have to work. We lost too much time as it is.
It was discovered recently that our wood fireplace is unsafe. There are four fireplaces in this house, but we only use one, and it gave up the ghost. I had no idea, but majority of the fireplaces in the newer homes are actually appliances. They are factory made and inserted into the house. Like all appliances, they wear out. A typical life of such a fireplace with moderate use is about 15 years. Ours was 27.
We had a long and detailed safety inspection. The insulating plates inside the fireplace were cracked and lost their integrity. Too much heat was being transferred to the drywall. The pipe that led into the chimney separated, and soot was getting into the attic. Oh, and to make things extra awesome, the vent in our smoke stack was not to code.
Picture a smoke stack. On top of it is a cap that keeps the weather out. The smoke escapes from the side of the smoke stack through openings in the chimney. These vents should be at least six inches tall. For no apparent reason, the first owner of our house, who was actually a builder, decided that it didn’t look pretty. Our vents are two inches.
This is not surprising in the least. We bought our home for a bargain prize after it sat on the market for a year and a half, and since then we’ve been slowly updating it. We love it, but if our house had a motto, it would be, “This is… interesting.” Every trade person has now uttered this word when diagnosing some new fun issue: the plumber, the electrician, the AC tech…
I should pause here to say that my husband is a fireplace fiend. There are deep personal reasons for his love of firewood, which I won’t go into, but having a working fireplace and a storage of firewood makes him feel comfortable on a man taking care of his family level. We have 3 cords of firewood right now. He built a shed for it. He is justified in this, because the last time Texas electric grid crashed, our wood fireplace kept us from freezing.
Even though it was not in the budget, we had to replace the fireplace.
Remember how we were severely sleep deprived?
The crew of fireplace installers descends on our home at first light and starts ripping into the wall. We open all the doors and hide in the study to work and minimize the germ exposure. The project manager carefully asks about the tile. We have this concrete monstrosity of a mantel we inherited, and it couldn’t be saved, so we decided to just tile it and be done.
Me, clutching my tea and desperately trying to get a grip on reality: Tile?
Project Manager: For the fireplace. Remember, I was going to give you a bid?
Me: Oh.
Gordon, staggering into the room: Eh?
Me: Tile.
Gordon: Oh.
Me: What kind of tile should we get?
PM: Not porcelain. Natural stone or ceramic.
We summon inner reserves and drive over to the tile place, where we wander around, dazed. After too much time, we finally find some limestone that is pretty, and I hug it. I am so tired at this point. I take a picture and send it to the PM.
He sends back the bid. His bid is way too high, but the tile place does installs, and they do fireplaces. We are shown the recent project pictures and decide that we are just going to do that.
Crisis averted, we drive back home, where we try to work while things are being smashed and broken, and metal is thudding, and people are on the roof, and the dogs are deeply perturbed… I spend hours looking at bugs. I need to get a composite bug monster together. If you have a fear on insects, do not google vinegaroon.
About 3:00 pm, I realize that I haven’t thawed anything out for dinner. For a while, Gordon was not eating hardly anything because the plague kills your appetite. I finally went with the nuclear option, summoned inner reserves for the nth time since this cold hit, and made a basket of fried chicken fingers on Monday. Fried foods are off limits for us usually, but I knew he would eat them. It worked, but I can’t feed him fried chicken fingers 3 days in a row.
I put in a late order for grocery delivery and go back to bugs.
Finally it’s 4:30 pm. The fireplace is installed. We are giving instructions, we write the check for the remaining balance, and the crew leaves. The house is clean, we have a new fireplace, and the only sign that construction took place is the bare wall.
Gordon stared at the fireplace for a bit and then gets this look on his face and goes outside. I follow him out there.
He stares up.
Me, feeling like my head is full of cotton: What are we looking at?
Him: The chimney.
We stand there, looking at the chimney.
Me: Why are we doing this?
Gordon: Didn’t he say our vents weren’t up to code?
Me: Oh. Oh crap.
Gordon: I thought that was supposed to be fixed. Was that on the bid?
Me: … … ………………………….
We stare at the chimney for about 5 minutes, trying to figure out what we are missing, then we go back inside, and I start looking for the bid in my email inbox. I find the appointment notifications, the safety report, more appointment notifications, the tilling bid. Everything but the fireplace contract. I don’t know if the vent is on the bid or not. I can’t remember.
I know we had a contract. I know because I signed it. Where did I put it? Did I put it into Contracts folder, because that would be foolish, since that’s where business contracts go? Okay, not in that folder. Is it in the House folder? No. Is it in Personal?
This is so stressful. I don’t feel good. The fireplace cost an arm and a leg, and now I am not even sure we can use it.
It’s 4:50 pm. I give up and call to the business.
The very confused business admin: It says here they installed a new cap.
Me: I’m sorry, but the smokestack doesn’t seem any different. Would it help if I texted a picture?
The admin: Let me get PM to give you a call. He will call you right away.
Gordon: Growl under his breath.
It’s 5:05 pm, and I text the PM: Hi, I am sorry to bother you, but here is our chimney and it doesn’t look different. You told us it wasn’t to code and I just want to make sure that we can safely have a fire.
PM, calling: I’m sorry, I didn’t call right away. I was buying a gift for my wife. It’s her birthday.
Me: Oh, happy birthday, and I’m so sorry to interrupt. The crew was great, everything looks good and they were awesome, except that I just want to make sure we are safe with this chimney vent…
PM: Mrs. Andrews?
Me: Yes?
PM: Please go to the backyard.
Me, shuffling out: I’m there… OMG.
PM: chuckling.
Me: I’m so sorry. I hope you have a great evening and your wife has a lovely birthday.
Me, hanging up: Hey honey!
Gordon stalks out in the backyard: ?
I point up.
We had spent all this time staring at and taking pictures of the wrong chimney.
Here is hoping the Holiday Cold passes you by this year.
I’m pretty sure I got this exact cold back in September. The good news is, it only lasted a week or so. The bad news is, I then got bronchitis. Good luck, and try the Mucinex nasal spray. That’s basically what saved my sanity.
Being sick is terrible. Sending hugs and prayers. Get well soon please
I currently have the Holiday Cold.
It is *awful*.
It is not: strep, rsv, covid, influenza A, or any of the other things they can do anything helpful about.
Advice from urgent care: manage your symptoms aggressively so you get some sleep and can actually get better.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your pet. A local vet (Northern California) began a grief group for pet people, and I was very grateful for it. Maybe there’s something like that near you, if you wanted to go that direction.
Congrats on the new fireplace, and hopefully you’ll regain the brains and energy soon, needed to continue working on the book. Take good care
I am sorry that you guys are sick, but this was hilarious and made my day!
I am sorry that both of you are not feeling well. It is possible that you have the respiratory virus. Unfortunately, there is no real treatment for it other than treating the symptom. Sleeping with your head elevated will help with preventing pneumonia. In pharmacy school we were taught that it helps make you swallow the mucus rather than inhale it. Lessing the chances of it ending up in the lungs and causing infection. However, if you spike a high fever or breathing becomes difficult you should go to the hospital. The respiratory virus has caused deaths. I hope you guys start feeling better.
We had it in October. I promise it goes away…. 2.5 weeks later…
Hope you’re feeling much better, soon.
Awww!! Sending good vibes to the two of you. May you do something comforting and that fills whatever need you have very soon.
Usually I just send virtual hugs, but not everybody is into those, virtual or otherwise.
Define ‘newer homes’ please? I’m now looking at our fireplace and wondering…
It doesn’t LOOK like an appliance.
Thanks for the laugh. my husband calls it home groanership. I know, dad joke territory. Glad you got your fireplace fixed.
I lived on the San Juan Islands for a number of years (in Washington state) and the power was always going out. We had to have a wood stove to keep us warm.
Being sick is no fun. Hope you are on the mend soon.
So sorry about the loss of your pet. Mine snuggle into my heart, and the grief when they pass is challenging, to say the least.
So I didn’t look up the insect, this BDHer is learning! But I was in bed when I was reading this and fell asleep and dreamed of tiny insects biting me and no one else!
Sorry to hear about your bout of plague. Old RN here offering unsolicited advice. Check with your doctor about Tessalon Pearls. They have some tetracaine in them that helps against the relentless coughing bouts. Can definitely help with sleep disturbances from a hacking unproductive cough when you’re at that point. Also elevate the head of your bed to help with the draining yuck. Either a board or brick under the feet at the head or something between the mattress and springs/support. Helps stuff avoid pooling in the back of your throat which is followed by the gasping chokes which trigger the spastic cough attacks. And do the warm saltwater gargle WITH fresh lime juice. The lime makes the gargle more effective. Think ceviche where food cooks chemically instead of thermally. It can help create an inhospitable environment for the virus. And when you’re better throw away your toothbrush or replace the head if you have that kind. Don’t let your toothbrushes cuddle in the same holder. Storing separately helps reduce if not prevent viral sharing. Stay vigilant for signs of a secondary bacterial infection. Green goop is bad. Yellow goop is generally just sad. Thinking about you and all battling various winter viral battles.
Thank you so much! I went old school with Russian tea with lemon, elevated head and pillows, and we did Vicks. For some reason, none of the usual things worked, but Mucinex, surprisingly, proved most effective.
We store the toothbrushes separate and switch them often. Thank you for the reminder – I am about to toss ours.
Yep, I had that terrible cold with coughing that sounded like death was imminent and I’m in New York. Lasted a good two weeks. Was zooming with a friend in Toronto. Her whole house has it now. I think it’s global. But the fireplace (yours–I live in an apartment) is done! Yay! feel better soon.
Have a small wood but bought a new fireplace that’s suppose to heat entire house. Now around to put it in. Heck chimney sweeps are not common in Florida.
Thanks for the vinegaroon tip! (I love bugs, and that’s a cool one!)
Get better soon!
Googling vinegaroon isn’t bad, it’s scrolling down to all the CRAZY people HOLDING a giant, alien scorpion that will haunt me.
“Mr. Hallorann, what’s in room 237?” “Nuthin’! There ain’t nuthin in room 237 so stay out, you hear me? STAY OUT.”
What a workout!😱
I googled vinegaroon. It’s really cool! This from the little girl who grew up and STILL wanted to hold the big chunky scorpion.
But, I don’t think it is scary enough. Of course, anything giant would be scary enough.
Unfortunately, I do have that same cold. It’s lingering and draining despite massive amount of vitamin C. Stay well and hydrated
I just got over that same cold (and I am no where near Texas), went through three boxes of tissues, tried many, many cold meds with no success, and lost 5 pounds because I couldn’t gather together enough brain cells to feed myself.
My deepest, heartfelt sympathy to you both and hope you have a quick recovery ❤️🩹
I am lying in bed for day 3 of your Christmas cold and feeling deeply grateful I have no decisions more world shattering than the the kind of tea I am drinking. My blood test said bacterial infection but I am certain it is a intergalactic host organism trying to sap our will to live.
I work in healthcare. Your “holiday cold” is running rampant, and like unwanted guests tends to linger. Wishing you both a speedy recovery.
We bought a house that we have been “updating “. The line we hear most often is “why did they do that?” Enjoy your fireplace!!
I really think they need to sell a test kit that covers RSV, the other common respiratory virus.
I suppose a cold could lead to a bacterial respiratory infection too.
I’m sorry that a nice evening out led to such misery.
Glad you got your fireplace fixed. I understand how these survival needs run deep.
I saw a video about this and they tested negative for flu and Covid. Sometimes you have to test 2 or 3 times for particular strains. She said it keeps coming in waves just when she feels like she’s improving.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTrub1D82/
I hope you both are starting to feel better now. My condolences about your pet.
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Some things never get easier.
I’m sure Miss Sookie is pleased to have her excellent spot in front of the fire back. I hope you are all feeling better!
Reading the accounts of my fellow BDHers, it sounds like the winter viruses r well traveled. My husband seems to have brought one home to share, so pretty sure we’re doomed. He’s coughing a bunch but no fever, so far. He works at a school, so often brings home whatever is going around. The one thing that actually helped was if he immediately upon returning home throws his clothes in the laundry and self in the shower. This reduced the number of viruses by 50%, so that’s what he does now. Depending on if his clothes go in the bin in our bedroom or directly into the washer, sometimes I get a floor show.
I’m going to hope for the best and check my musinex supplies.
Feel better! (And please, keep your killer cold down there with you and I’ll try hard to keep the 5-feet-of-snow-since-Thanksgiving-and-8-12-inches-more-coming here in the Great White North.) (Altho it’s not really the snow here, it’s the 20 degrees below normal cold. I can handle the snow. My house is old, it doesn’t like cold from the east)
😂😂😂
Well, it happens…
We just had to have our fireplace replaced, too. We also found out everything you did, it is a one piece install, no longer meets code, and had lasted 36 years on a 25 year warranty. We had seen chimney fires in the neighborhood, so we were happy to do it. Our daughter was our GC and our nephew did the tile and mantle install. We were so grateful. Have many wonderful fires.
This gave me a good chuckle, and the pictures added some extra dimension to the chuckles