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We Got Mail

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A very official-looking envelope addressed to the BDH was waiting for me this morning when I got to work. Indigo-colored seal, bond paper smelling faintly of melted aetherium, letterhead. The whole shebang.

RE: Application to Join
From: Cold Chaos Guild
Applicant: The Horde
Talent: Book Devouring

Thank you for your enthusiastic interest in joining Cold Chaos. After a careful evaluation of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position with our guild at this time.

This is not a reflection on your abilities. Our breach assignments do not currently require skills such as “rapid disassembly of haunted libraries”, “dushegubbing a whole anchor series overnight” or “aural exorcism of cursed breach audiobooks”. Should the nature of this war change, please rest assured we will revisit your application with all due care.

Regarding the additional guidance you requested about establishing your own guild:

I do not have a personal opinion on the tie break between the names Guild of Ripper Cushions and The Chalant Ferrets.

However, I must strongly object that gate-diving “definitely seems like a ‘try and see how it feels’ kind of thing” as you put it. Becoming a successful guild hinges on disciplined teams who trust each other. I appreciate that it is important who shouts “LEAD ME TO THE SLAUGHTER BARSA BARSA” loudest during attacks, but it is not, in itself, a viable operational strategy.

We are grateful for your passion, and your 14-page appendix of suggested breach tactics entitled “I love the sound DDC policy makes when I break it”, which did raise some flags in our legal department.

The world may yet require your knowledge. Until that day comes, keep your tanks close and your healers closer.

PP: Leo Martinez
on behalf of Elias McFeron
Guildmaster, Cold Chaos

Alright. Fess up.

Who was supposed to be watching Steve?

You know he’s not allowed access to the Horde email account since that Unicorn Lane karaoke night and the thing with the kraken.

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Comments

  8. Oh Steve! Always the first to cause trouble. Although, truth be told this all happened after a night out drinking with Bug!

  9. Definitely not me, I’ve been over here all morning trying to put some order into the BDH’s theories of how Ada and Elias meet

    • Maybe we should reevaluate the ferret ninja training? It being led BY the ferrets themselves may have been a tactical error…

    • Apparently being sneaky is not in Steve’s future. To paraphrase Arland, I don’t think Steve could sneak is way out of a boot with light lighting his way. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • There’s no proof it was Steve, did the ip address of the email user get sourced? Did we finger print the keyboard at HQ.

      The ninja ferret training is superb, their use of a stoolie in Steve is a masterful tactic.

      Viva le BDH

  14. When I woke up I had the little thrill of anticipation, a Friday, oh boy! But then I remembered, no more installments. In fact, there’s only one more Friday that will need to be looked forward to, next Friday. At least I HOPE it will be next Friday.

  15. It might have been me. Steve said he had a blood sword, and might be able to get a pulse cannon. I told him it might work. but, you know Steve…

  21. You look away from Steve for one minute . . .

    I am totally on board for The Further Adventures of Steve.

    Thanks, ModR. This is AWESOME and totally made my Friday. 🙂

  24. Please, please, can we vote on a guild name? I am in with “the Chalant Ferrets”. Happy Friday.

  25. What thing with the kraken?!?

    Unicorn Lane karaoke was a blast. Yay, Steve!

    Very funny, post. Loved it.

  26. “Lead me to the slaughter, barsa, barsa!”

    Sounds like an excellent mission statement. Or a T-shirt.

    “Guild unapproved” also has potential.

  29. Steve!

    But you know he’s just doing what we are all thinking….

    I’m definitely a Chalant Ferret.

  30. I can take this rejection from the Cold Chaos Guild, as my hope is that I will find the secret to entering my favourite world when “This Kingdom Will Not Kill Me” comes out.

  35. 🤣🤣

    Dang it Steve you told me you wouldn’t touch anything………I knew I shouldn’t have went to see who was at the door!

    • At least we kept the aetherium grenadines out of his hands…. Just be careful when you get that old cardboard box off the top shelf in the back of the pantry…..
      lol
      This made my Friday!

  37. It was a good effort Steve!! Maybe next time.

    Also .. side note Leo reminds me of Michael from hidden legacy..analogous baddassery?

  44. To do list- Send apology scallop basket to Kraken emissary
    Order organic maple syrup
    Change wifi password. Again.
    Talk with Steve. Again.

  47. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant!

    You know, I thought Steve was gone for a suspiciously long time when he stepped out to “get more cookies” 🤔. Admittedly, there was a fierce debate going on about the allegiances and cunning of Clan Kiar versus Clan Nuan and whether Dina knows what Ada’s favourite cookie is…

    • You know who’d know? Maggie. Maggie would definitely know what Ada’s favorite cookies are….

      • Are you implying that the fantasy story Maggie ends up in is, in fact, Inheritance? That would be cool, except Ilona said that story was ‘famously unfinished’!

        • No, Maggie doesn’t land in Inheritance world 🙂 . The two series are unlinked, and very different. Maggie’s adoptive kingdom is one of knights and epic fantasy.

          Maggie is, however, a fan that contains multitudes https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/signs-of-life/

          Arabella: What’s so special about you? What is your power?

          Maggie: Oh. I’m a fan.

          Catalina: I’m sorry.

          Maggie: I am a fan. I read books over and over. I obsess over the details, like which region the armor came from, how far can a magic horse run in a day, and what are the medieval bras made out of. I know everything about all of you. I have read your books over and over. I know your motivations, your secrets, and your hidden thoughts. Those private doubts you kept to yourself during your woe-is-me moments? The unkind things you sometimes thought about your loved ones? I can quote them from memory.

          • Maggie: Thank you. But that won’t be necessary. I’m just here for Orro’s cookies.

            yes, this is what I was referring to 😆

  51. The appendix on breaking DDC policies was only 14 pages?? Steve, where did you put the second and third appendices: “Can I pet those Dawgs (alien or otherwise)?” and “Gate Sharing Etiquette: when other guilds go low, you need to go lower.”

  52. lmaoooo! that was fantastic and just what I needed to put a bounce in my step and possible stop obsessively clicking the “refresh” button while waiting for the book to release 😆

  55. I seem to be outvoted so far, but I am strongly in favor of ‘Guild of Ripper Cushions’.

  57. The obvious answer here is The Chalant Ferrets of Ripper Cushions.

    It basically names its self.

  58. Laughed so much my colleagues had to ask if I was okay. Thanks Steve, just try not to get caught next time. We said be stealthy.

  60. if Ada had the ferrets the Inheritance would’ve been A LOT shorter. they definitely would have found a way to the blast charges through the debris tunnel on Day 1. House Andrews might have actually had a novella like they adorably thought they were writing. Just sayin… 😁

  64. OMG, I’m dying, you’re dying.

    Does anyone got a hanky because I’m laughing so hard the tears are rolling!!!

  65. ModR, I bow to your mad genius! So funny! Thanks for the morning laugh.

    I’m on team The Chalant Ferrets of Ripper Cushions! When’s our next meeting? Assemble behind the library at 0 dark 30. Come prepared for breach jumping! Now where did Steve hide my broom… Barsa Barsa!!!

  66. Guild of Ripper Cushions is where I’d sign up. Coffee and reading are hazardous pay for sure if it involves anything from or about you. Thank you.

  68. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    I needed this laugh today. Thanks Mod R!

    Steve – we need to have an intervention with you. You do not hack into the Guild’s e-mail and try to get the Horde in trouble.

    Wait what? You had Mod R do it?! Why do you always get Mod R in trouble? What did she do to you, Steve? Hmmm????

    😜🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  69. OMG! I soooo needed this! I went on vacation for a week, not for fun but to move, in Texas, when the heat index was 106. Then got back to work to spend 3 days fixing things that broke when I went on vacation. The laugh was sorely needed. Thank you!

    • Your definition of “vacation” needs work. What you describe above is “leave.” There’s a difference, and the intent to have fun is part of it. Not that fun is ever guaranteed in this life, which is why “intent” is in there.

  70. Well…Steve just did what we all kind of wanted to do! And that karaoke incident…well, you know, it sometimes just happens! The Kraken was eventually happy with it’s settlement, and I don’t think those fishermen will miss…um…no need to bring up the past, right?

    As for team names, I’m sort of partial to Team” Baha Char Bada$$es”, but “Team Ripper Cushions” appeals to me as well…

    Anyhow, that envelope sounded impressive. I look forward to following Elias,et.al, adventures in mining! 😉😁

  71. Surely we could overwhelm anyone and anything with our sheer numbers!

    Never get between the Horde and our desired books!

  72. Dammit, I really counted on having the opportunity to slay some monsters after not being allowed to slaughter the people annoying me in my project…

    Barsa BARSA barsa-barsa barsA BARSA!

    (Is it next Friday yet?)

  73. Oh my – Mod R you are the best! I giggled/snorted through the entire post and grinned while reading all the comments.

    Happy Friday everyone!!

  74. Amazing, lol. I had to read it out loud (plus explanations) to my husband this morning.

  76. The only Steve I know is too busy with his own stuff for this. I’m not even sure he’d think the BDH applying to Cold Chaos was funny. I’m certain he would go as far as cute, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t laugh.

  77. Thank you! I almost didn’t check since the installments had stopped. I’m so glad I did. Very funny!!

    But I’m stuck on who Steve may be. Am I having a senior moment? I’m ready to reread all the series and blog entries if necessary.

    • If u r having a senior moment, forgetting Steve first is true genius!

      (Steve is the fictional member of the BDH who frequently causes extra trouble. Like: who stepped on a branch when we’re trying to b sneaky-Steve! To b fair, we shouldn’t b where we r, but Steve often gets us caught, or worse. But we love Steve, right?)

  78. I love the fact that you know in a bureaucratic setting most of the main characters have the ability to make people to want them to leave because things they do causes them to have to write more reports.
    You know Claudia has to be sending reports to Damian.

  79. Yeah, so I’ve been MIA on the blog. Decided to HORDE the last few serial posts to binge on my Friday off only to find it was over!!! (can you hear the whimpering and wailing from there?). I’ve caught up on the story (it’s sooo goooood!), the heartbreak of realizing it was the last installment (nooooooo!), loved the art and cover (yes, I need a calendar), the joy of learning about the very fast upcoming release (phew, thank you HA, can’t wait). What a rollercoaster of a morning blog read!

    Now, I’m hungry for chicken and feeling the need to defend Steve a little since you know we all put him up to that hoping it would work. I guess drinking tea from a ferret heist mug and reading HA does not constitute training for a guild job.

    Thanks Mod R for wrangling us and giving me a happy ending to my blog binge today. Go Horde!! The comment section is awesome, love you guys.

    P.S. Of course we want a zoom chat. I know you guys are busy, but have you not been paying attention? We’re just a “little” obsessed even though we pretend we are chalant and p*tient. ;D xxoo

    • I’m a little confused by the whole “chalant” thing. If nonchalant is standing around looking bored or acting like stuff doesn’t matter, then chalant would be the opposite? Sort of like hopping foot to foot and saying “Is the book published yet? Huh? Huh?” Did that sound like Bug? Can someone help me out here?

      • More like intently focused, I think.

        “SSSHHH, I have to constantly watch my email so I don’t miss the pre-order post. I can eat and sleep later, like week after next!

        What do you mean, I’m starting to smell? That’s just book-attracting pheromones.”

  81. I mean Mod R is definitely head of the guild, I think we can all agree…. or are they the keeper of secrets and we have a dark mysterious hooded figure that is the true head who may or may not be HA taking turns slipping us info before unleashing the horde and pointing at cushions.

  82. Leo has some valid points. However, I seriously doubt Team Facts be Damned will listen.

    • We shall damn the facts shalantly, whilst Steve drafts the petition for replication. You’ve got one signature here, Steve!

  83. When I found out I had bursitis, which the doctor explained was inflammation of the bursae, I busted out with “Barsa barsa!” and then had to explain things so that I didn’t end up with a psych consult on top of physical therapy.

    I vote for the Horde to start a new guild named the Ferrets of Nav, throwing in Cherny will definitely add to the guild’s intimidation factor.

  87. Cold Chaos is SO going to regret turning down the HORDE. They don’t really understand the POWER of the The HORDE, it is INSIDIOUS. he he he he heeeee….

  88. Thank you ModR for sharing your creativity with the Horde whilst we wa@t p@tiently for the order button!
    May your weekend be safe, relaxing and spent with those you love!
    PS. Echoing previous comments: Fellow Horde members your comments above are delightful as well!

  89. do you have any idea how much we love you. seriously. your writing results in a) cackling crazed delight , b) starry eyed cult like soma smile of joy, c) frantic stress lip biting and squinting furrow brow at screen trying to be non chalant and failing.
    thank you

    • ModR I am talking to you, but of course the full blinding power of my author worship will always be at the feet of house Andrews.

  90. In very posh tea restaurant reading this and snorting tea out my nose laughing out loud…. Not the best look..
    So funny I love it. Though sad about our application being denied.

  91. I, personally, think Elias and Leo are being shortsighted. They are underestimating the ferocity and ingenuity of the Horde. Just give us some sugar and caffeine, tell us the AuthorLords are being held hostage in a breach, and get out of our way! There is nothing we can’t accomplish when our books are on the line! 📚⚔️

    • +1

      (I was going to type “Preach!” but realized the sentiment might be lost in translation to some of you not from America. Would basically mean tell everyone emphatically how it really is)

  95. Which Steve? Steve on the construction crew, or Steve the twin who works in HR?
    Hanging out with Steve can lead to all kinds of shenanigans.

  96. Thanks Mod R, I may have been whining about the end of the serial as I checked the blog. But this post made the day so much better!
    And thanks to the rest of the Horde for creative contributions!!

  99. ‘Not me!’, Choruses amid a forest of whole arm finger pointing in every conceivable direction.

    I vote the Guild of Chalant Ferrets of Ripper Cushions, as suggested by a couple ppl above.

    Just one more week, y’all! We can do it! (Chants: ‘Fluffy, fluffy, fluffy’)

    Thanks for this, Mod. R. Helped make a bad week better.

  101. Love it!

    And every time Steve is mentioned, I keep thinking of Otter Steve!😂😂🤣

  102. Steve, Steve, Steve *shakes head*

    One day he’ll master subtlety and then we’ll rule the world. . .

  108. Unicorn Lane karaoke night was a blast! We should do that on a quarterly basis.

    Mod R, thanks for the funny. Needed it this week. Next time Steve maybe you can add a mascot or logo to the application, sometimes visuals are good.

  109. We’re chalant and we’re coming, Cold Chaos!! We’ll get in with yiu eventually!! .,,

    Steve?? Steve!! Stop that! Shhhh, somebody will hear you!!

  111. Omg, not to mention the time he got into the lemons and tried to pitch-hit a vampire after he dipped it in coffee, calling it tequila-squizas….
    damnit Steve

  112. I think it was your turn to watch Steve. I have no independent knowledge of a karaoke and kraken incident u r refering to.

  116. I vote for the Guild of Cozy Carnage, though the other names are great too.

    Maybe a consortium of guilds? The Horde is certainly big enough.

  117. Mod R, can Steve have his own blog tag to help with finding posts in the archive? I tried to go back and reread the History of Steve, but he didn’t show up on the website search.

  119. OMG…I never comment on blogs but this made me laugh out loud. I love, love, love your world building and cannot wait to see where we go next.

  121. OMG! But Aunt Geraldine’s face when the kraken arrived….and it started to sing. That was the best fun! I’ll never hear Cruel Summer the same way again. sigh, fond memories xxx

  122. We need guild chapters! Chalant Ferrets, Ripper Cushions, Cozy Carnage and the NevCherny….

    Final names to be voted on by the Horde

    And a survey please to find out which one we belong to? 😁

  123. 🤣♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🧐♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🤣
    you are awesome Mod R

  125. Breaking news….Steve’s rendition of ‘I Did It My Way’ is charting on the Hot 100…and that IS how a star is born!

  129. Mod R, you are a gem and we love you! I must say that I am so proud to be one of the Horde. These comments are cracking me up!! What a group!

  131. Excuse me? Please understand. Very quietly in the back of the crowd here. Steve, uh hm, was with me. Really. I would never. It was Helen. Her infiltration class.

    Really. Shhh.

    • It might have been Bea, Sophia, et al – heard they found a pocket realm in Unicorn Lane…

  132. Reading this and drinking coffee – definite “no-no”! Spit everywhere when I started laughing! Thanks for the early morning chuckles.

  133. You are a gift Mod R. Thank you so much for this! It gave me a much needed laugh. And count me Team Ripper Cushions!

  134. Thank you SO much for sharing this post. I know many of my fellow Horde members prefer the installment Fridays. I prefer Fridays like this, when the post turns out to be a delightful, hilarious, witty gem! I snort-laughed my way through the whole thing and the comments are superb. This is why I bow before House Andrews and Mod R. 💜

  136. Barsa, barsa barsabarsa. I just finished reading this and still laugh at it. The ending though, that was a tough read. Thanks forever for the wonderful journeys you take us on.

  144. Steve reminds me of the Moon Moon meme. This involves photos of wolves doing stupid stuff, and the rest of the pack says, “Dammit, Moon Moon!”

    I googled examples of this meme just now. Here’s one that caught my eye: “What do you call a wolf who knows he’s a wolf? Aware Wolf.” To which the other wolves screamed, “Dammit, Moon Moon!”

    Apparently this meme originated from one of those random name generators that gives you your wolf name, where you plug in your birth year and the day of the month, and it spits out a name. Which in this case was Moon Moon. This then became the name of the pack’s stupidest wolf.

    OK, that was totally off topic. but anyway. Go Mod R! You outdid yourself. But the BDH needs to keep a better eye on Steve….

  150. But we look so BadA$$ in our BDH gear! Oh well, we wouldn’t have time to be saving Cold Chaos in the breach anyway, as we will be busy devouring! Your loss Leo!

  152. I love the playfulness of this post but most especially how you turning your other series.

    I am now debating whether to finish my grad school law assignment or re-read sweep of the blade and deal with the ripper cushions at a later date

  153. Thank you. I needed a bit of silly after this week.

    I hosted my final summer reading program for 2025 yesturday. (Building rockets, satellites, and moonbases, oh my!)

    My brain and feet are exhausted and this was just what I needed to read.

    Thank you House Andrews and Mod R.

    • Quitters!
      My library’s summer reading has three more weeks to go!

      Of course, as a mere cataloger, I’m not one of the people actually *doing* the programs ….. I just hand out prizes ….
      *waves*

  154. This..this is why I adore the authors, mod R, and the hord!

    Good Clean fun, except for Steve who needs to step away from the keyboard and shower —now.

  157. As I have once again reread absolutely everything. I tend to do this a multiple times a year, since epically good authors are rare as hens teeth. So I have quite a few random thoughts I feel compelled to share.

    Little Helen with her own broom, and all the power ever.

    I also have to ask, is Earth really the only planet that has inns? An umpteenth read finally confirmed that the Innkeeper Assembly is on Earth.

    So where did they come from originally. Dina thinks that they originated in Bahachar because that is where they make their first gates to.

    I hereby suggest a brand new line of excellent and enthusiastic speculation about the nature, origin and history of the Inns. The oldest earth inns we hear of are all under a thousand years old.
    There cannot have been Innkeepers on Earth before the Innkeepers Accord.

    At some point in time the 12 point jump point was discovered with a undeveloped human civilization. Control of it would have led to endless war.

    This leads me to theorize a higher power with the ability to make Earth’s protection stick, and also the ability to import the first inn seeds.

    Ok BDH, let’s get it on!

    • “There cannot have been Innkeepers on Earth before the Innkeepers Accord”
      Why not? Wouldn’t there *have* to have been Inns — and Innkeepers — for an Innkeepers Accord to be needed?

      Maybe Inns were the grand project of some mad scientist/crazy wizard on Baha-Char. They’d *just* perfected their invention, had a bunch of seeds ….. pursued by nefarious characters, they escaped to Earth and hid there ….. and planted a few seeds …..

  158. It wasn’t me!

    [blushes and takes a quiet step backwards.]

    Mod R, you are the best!

    😂💕💕💕

  159. Darn it Steve! I take my eyes from him for a few moments while working on my rose/nightshade hybrid. (The scent is to die for) and he goes all feral. Oh well no more maple syrup fro him. Signed the Elder From the North

  165. Dammit, I’m too new to the BDH to remember who Steve is, how ninja ferrets tie in, and what happened with unicorn lane karaoke. Can someone explain to this idiot? Thaaaaaanks.

    • Hi Stacy! Welcome to the insanity that is The Book Devouring Horde! I hope you will enjoy becoming assimilated 😉
      Hoping Mod R sees this & may be willing to link Steve Sightings & other such key BDH lingo. In the meantime-ferret heists can be enjoyed in the Hidden Legacy series-i wont spoil it for you! Unicorn Lane can be found in Kate Daniels’ Atlanta, but should NOT be entered without the proper six person Red Guard team to protect you…Other than that, we are intense but hope you can join us in our sillies

    • I’m old here but seems to have missed Steve completely!

      But Sons explained the other parts very good!

      Welcome to the BDH! You have a lot of good reading ahead of you!

    • And Steve is, well, Steve. He’s a member of the Horde and keeps having more adventures in Mod R’s imagination than the rest of us. Kind of a Horde Avatar?

      …Can someone else chime in here for Stacy’s sake? My brain is mushy as today is my Friday and it’s been on high alert all week keeping horses & humans from bearing the consequences of their actions. Especially the horses. Since they seem to think they are Bucky but do not have his light footedness nor his grace & their estimation of how high they can jump is quite at odds with reality. (No permanent damage & luckily our farrier is very patient)

  166. I’m a Steve and I wish I thought of sending such a letter. Love your books! Thankyou for your hard work. I will patently wait for the opportunity to devourer the book.

  167. As some versions of the song “On The Cover of The Rolling Stone” ended; “Dat’s Byooteefull!”
    “

  169. Almost 7:30 pm here in New Jersey. I checked the releases page and only that book coming in 2026 is listed.

    Where is our Inheritance?

    Look I turn 75 in September. I might not last til 2026. I could pass away never know if Roman gets a nice partner. If There are more little Lennerts. Will Steve West be too old/expensive/busy to record a Hugh’s kids lifting cows?
    I could type on.

    Throw me a bone here.

  173. Shouldn’t it be Gilded Ripper Cushions? I’m picturing nice big scarlet cushions like beanbag chairs with big gold tassles dripping from every corner like angelfish lures. And when the unwary sit on the cushions, they swallow their prey whole…

    This would, of course, not be an issue for any BDH member of the Guild of Chalant Ferrets — because they would naturally have rolled an aetherium grenade through the doorway before entering the room…

    As I understand it, the big issue with the Unicorn Lane Karaoke Night was that the “quality” of the BDH’s collective singing caused all the monsters to flee into the city. The Order, the People, the Pack, the Red Guard, the Witch Covens and the Mercenary Guild are all still furious that it took their coordinated efforts to convince the monsters that the “concert” was over and they could safely leave downtown and return to lurking in Unicorn Lane.

  174. Now, now, why blame Steve when we can obviously blame Leroy instead. After all, he’s the one that runs into situations without thinking.

    • Oh! U know Leroy Jenkins? Isn’t he Steve’s cousin thrice-removed? Or something like that…

  179. Next Application should be filed by Barsalamew Ferret and be accompanied by cases of the Ilonaverse books.

    After that second Application is turned down, time to whine to Klaus and his friends. The BDH is very, very good at whining.

  180. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

    I am still chuckling over this one.

    Got a picture of the rejection letter? No picture — no proof it was received!

    I seem to remember a great line for that… “That is the nicest ‘Here are your dishonored dead, piss off and don’t come back’ letter I have ever heard,” [Dina Demille] said. (Sweep in Peace, Book 2 of the Innkeeper Chronicles.)

    Take care. Thanks for the chuckler!

    Toodles!

  184. I haven’t laughed so hard since, well, forever. Thank you.

    If Cold Chaos ever has an opening for a 72 year old retired systems analyst who can wield a hammer, fix most electrical issues, and can sew anything, please let me know. I also have mad baking skills,lol. Hugs.