Warning: hilariously odd bad language ahead. Poor Catalina.
Bug served as Rogan’s surveillance specialist. Magically altered, he processed visual information at an astonishing rate. If anybody could find [Redacted], Bug could. He was also fanatically loyal to Rogan.
The moment we involved Bug, Rogan would know every detail of what we asked and why. Then Nevada would know, and, considering the usual colorful way Bug made his reports, there was a strong possibility that she would freak out. Bug found the vast array of curses available to an average English speaker completely inadequate and used every opportunity to add his own, which often amounted to a random collection of expletives that left you befuddled. I could just imagine the way that report would go.
“Hey, so you’ll never believe this dick fart thing: they want me to find [Redacted]. Isn’t that just pork balls? The gnome molester apparently stabbed somebody. Whore dimwit shit brain dungarees!”
Hope says
LOL! How long does it take y’all to come up with these?? Lol
Amira says
Haha! Well, at least it IS English and he isn’t trying to hide anything by saying it in a different language
Leydhen says
Maybe it’s because I’m Spanish but… I’m still trying to decipher what Bug said. And we’re very creating with our cursing in Spain!!!
MichelleD says
No, it’s not a Spanish problem. Bug is often that befuddling!
Rhoda says
Wait wait Bug has discretion he just dosnt use it very often. This is a find his desert bribe time.
Thank you for the giggle this morning
John says
True. But Nevada knows this. Catalina doesn’t, because I doubt Nevada told her sister that bug knew about Leon’s magic a month (a week?) before everyone else did. If Penelope told Catalina anything about Bug, it would be along the lines of “He’s the best. He’s expensive, but you can only ever trust him if you pay upon delivery, because he’s an addict.” that’s the Bug that Penelope always dealt with. Nevada’s post-Rogan Bug is different. But in the end, Nevada would probably focus on making sure her sisters know that while Bug is the best, his loyalty to Rogan is more important to him than anything else.
I love that this isn’t even Bug swearing, this is Catalina inventing Bug swearing, so it purposefully doesn’t make any sense.
Bug’s swearing, despite not making any sense, has a very specific train of thought that would make sense if you thought like Bug.
That’s what makes it great.
rowena says
Glad I have already had my 2nd cup of coffee, because that was hilarious!
I find this way better than what some people put in their conversations without even realizing they said that.
Poor Catalina – who was raised with standards. Love that family
Siobhan says
The world’s best birthday present for Bug would be a book of Shakespearean insults. He’d quadruple his swear words overnight.
Tylikcat says
Catallus! My imagination is flooded with the possibilities.
I was thinking of something similar. When our students are preparing to take the GREs, I often encourage them to read nineteenth century literature* to work on expanding their vocabularies. For the international students, of course, this is because they’re second language speakers. But science majors often have a pretty shallow grasp of the English language. (In OldLab this is a good idea anyway – the PI did an undergrad degree in English at Yale, and enjoys wordplay and literary references a lot. French, German and Latin are fair play, Chinese is not, and my Hebrew makes him twitch – he’s a Talmudic scholar. Everyone else: “OMG, will you guys shut up!”) …and of course, for a couple of the grad students I suggested a few books to, I’m quietly thinking “And some day you will meet the nerd girl of your dreams, and you will know Austin. You’re welcome.”
Anyhow, I’m sure Bug would continue to Bug in his own inimitable style. But Bug gleefully massacring the terminology of the ages?
* Not that this is the only option, but it seems to be the most bang for the buck, especially in terms of being readable and approachable while being full of the kind of language they need.
Judy B says
If Tylikcat ever starts a website, I want to be on the mailing list. 🙂
Tylikcat says
I suddenly have no idea what I’m going to be doing.
So, the robot lab position that I’ve been so looking forward to? That’s been in the works for the last couple of years? That we worked out the start of my health insurance for?
…that is with a friend, who is a baby PI with very little management experience?
So, it was going to begin next week.
It no longer exists. For funding reasons. (I’m now having to make sure that Fabineer doesn’t freak out and decide he has to quit the lab in solidarity.) And new manager still on their learning curve reasons. (The last time I worked for someone with less management experience than I had… things happened. So I knew the risks. Still. A week. *head desk*)
I’m going to be fine. But damn, if I knew this was coming, I would have put out feelers months ago – I have a lot of people who’ve expressed interest. But for the kind of things I’m looking at, it’s nice to have some time? (Within twenty minutes of putting a whiny post out to friends, a friend came back with a “come join my team at a major Seattle software company and write automation code” – which, hey, I have great friends, but, argh, that is why I left industry.)
Lynn T. says
So sorry tylikcat. Been there, done that. It is called life. Personally I say Murphy’s law struck. I hope you rebound well. I look forward to your comments.
Tylikcat says
I’ve found my feet again – though I don’t think I’ve cried so much since I was twenty-one and my live in boyfriend ran off with my best friend. For the weekend. Which happened to be our anniversary. And for which we had plans…
Says something about my changing priorities! It’s not that I’m mad at anyone, it’s just the shock, and the frustration, and spending the meeting comforting my friend who is freaking out about having screwed me over… and this was my prize for finishing the last few rounds of crazy, and I was so looking forward to my robots, and my new students! (Not that there isn’t something to be said for deciding that this is a sign and I’m heading back to the PNW – but I do have obligations to settle, like the zendo itself…!)
But that settled, and… well, if it’s going to be this way, the array of choices is actually kind of awesome. (This is also where my completely ridiculous CV comes in to play. My background might be really hard to explain with a straight face – honestly, at a certain point, I usually end up burying my face in my hands because it’s just so messed up – but darn, I do a have a lot of it.)
…and I am so grateful to my community. I’m not sure I’ve ever so tangibly felt that so many people had my back. (Though the discussions went pretty quickly from “Come back and code!” to “Come design nanomaterials!” – which I am looking into, and seems cool – to “Oh, I know people who do AI for advertising, and you totally have the skills for that…!” I am looking at nice soothing positions a institutional aquaria to “Wait, you spent those years in MedChem – I have a ton of contracts in the Pharmaceuticals industry…!” I am looking at research positions at a remote island marine bio facility…)
(And I haven’t even started contacting my research friends, because doing that on five hours of sleep isn’t a good plan.)
Cherylanne says
Love these ideas. I tutor GED candidates and struggle trying to increase personal word banks for writing. New insults wou,d be motivation.
Tylikcat says
My elementary students (gifted, many with ADHD) really got into the forbidden nature of the vocabulary of Shakespeare (I told them they weren’t encouraged to read it because it was full of sex and violence, and then brought in my Yale editions.)
…sometimes it’s partly fitting the piece to the student, I think. Our research students are pretty self motivated, so it’s mostly pointing them in the right direction, and giving them something they can work with. Having spent a lot of time reading literature in languages that are not my milk tongue, I have sympathy? (Okay, the science majors mystify me. I mean, it’s not like I’m not a scientist…)
Lynn T. says
Science majors tend toward literal thinking. Or as my sibs say about me anal retentive.
Tylikcat says
Well, once upon a time, I was a thirteen year old physics major. Just, a lot happened between then and now, and I didn’t complete that degree, mostly because so many of the faculty were assholes. (Also, I got interested in Poli-econ, and languages, and no one had explained I should get a math degree. Le sigh.) But my doctorate is in Biology, neurobio/biomech, which has got to count as something right?
I’m trying to put together the twitter version of my CV (no, really, this is important) which has to include all the STEM fields I’ve worked in and overview of skills and research… and I’m reminded why I usually do all of this via academic flirting and personal contacts, and maybe some selected relevant background because oh, dear lords. I mean, I *like* my career. It’s been a ton of fun. But laying it all down there in one place? Well, I think Grandma Frida has a real point about women and a sense of mystery.
Siobhan says
I HAD CATULLUS IN MY HEAD WHEN I WROTE THAT. You stay out of there!
I went with Shakespeare to maximize the number of people who have heard of .
But man. Keep Bug AWAY from Catullus.
Siobhan says
Aha. I used the wrong punctuation, the kind that is mistaken for HTML. That should read: …the number of people who have heard of [insert author].
Sorry!
Tylikcat says
But Catullus and Bug are a match made in Vulcan’s forge! …well, no, that’s being rather cruel to Vulcan.
He’d *love* it.
Natalie says
The male lead in Tessa Dare’s novel The Duchess Deal swears in Shakespearean. It’s his thing. In the second novel of the series he still swears in Shakespearean and threatens people with his cat.
Tylikcat says
I did enjoy both of those.
R Coots says
Hahahaha! Bug is awesome!
Andri/Kaylenn says
LOL!!!!! That’s a wonderful laugh for a Monday morning! Gotta love Bug. =)
Billie Dee says
Thank you for the Monday morning laugh! Great way to start the week!
Meryl Markowitz says
??????????
gaill k says
Yea, it is Monday, which means general chaos at my job. Will try to think of some fun curses today. sadly, not my strong suit.
Generally , I say crap and kick the file cabinets.
I need to expand . my language skills.
thank you for the Monday treat.
Amanda says
I have never stopped saying “dick fucker”
Siobhan says
+5
Carol says
Bug’s reports are always colorful, if incomprehensible.
Alianna says
Just got a huge ongoing laugh over this, really needed it, work exploded with some early AM craziness (now resolved), but you’ve helped reset the emotional meter! THANK YOU!!! – A.
VeronicaK says
Hahaha, Bug is great! Thanks for this!
Rizel says
He is a very interesting and hilarious character. ?❤️
Anonymous says
My husband does this too! It was the word dungarees made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the laugh!
Julie’ says
My husband does this too! It was the word dungarees made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the laugh!
Mousewynne says
I love Bug! Now I have to remember gnome molester and try to figure out
how dungarees can be a bad word. 🙂
Catlover says
Thanks for the morning smile, off to my new client today.
?? – How is your keyboard working out for you? I’m looking at doing some typing again but my accuracy is terrible with a straight keyboard (like a laptop). Anyone have recommendations for an ergonomic board that won’t break the bank? Thanks.
Amy says
Thanks for the snippet! I had to Google “dungarees” – Bug’s a national treasure ?
Cristina says
+ 1
Cristina says
Whore dimwit shit brain dungarees!… it looks like a summoning 😆 (repeat three times fast for max effect).
Momcat says
The only comment Bug could make would be, “Was it something I said?”
Alison Parker says
Nope. His reaction would be “So sue me”. I love Bug.
Momcat says
Yah! That would be more likely. I wonder, did the authors create Bug to intentionally grow or did he just “catch on”. I’m leaning towards the former as he certainly is colorful AND he had a dog.
Milissa Hartzenberg says
Love the language creativity, but [Redacted] had me on the floor laughing. Please don’t ever stop. ? ? ?
Siobhan says
+1
Rachel says
I had this gorgeous blue beta who was the cutest thing but I could not, for the life of me, come up with a name for him. Until one day I randomly decided his name was [Redacted], Red for short. So I was fairly confused at first when I was reading this like “Why are they trying to find my old fish?” XD
Siobhan says
I deeply love Bug. But when it comes to the wire, he’s SLIGHTLY more loyal to Nevada (keeping Leon’s magic a secret from Rogan “unless he asks”.) But I understand Catalina’s perspective.
And I find her attempt at imitating Bug’s reports just dick-fucking awesome.
Patti McGhie says
I LOVE the way Bug curses. I laughed until my stomach ached when I first read “Dick fucker,” especially after Rogan told him it was redundant.
gingko-girl says
I am so going to use gnome molester and brain dungarees when in conversation with a library patron today.
Thanks for the laugh.
Happy Monday!
Liv W says
Egads! Gnome molester! Lol. I went from thinking of unsightly, can’t-be-unseen imaginings of garden gnomes and random strangers, uh, attacking them, to mind views of lawn flamingos and, maybe, stray dogs… Gaaaah!
And wow to dungarees. Haven’t heard/read that word in a lonnnnng time!
Nancyc says
Oxford adds approximately 1,000 new words to their dictionary per year. You’d think we’d have more curse words.
Margaret R says
My father could swear without even saying real words, it was just a series of angry sounds, like a badger. As a kid I remember watching him repair the washing machine, the sounds he made were fascinating!
Katherine says
sorta like the dad in A Christmas Story
Patricia Schlorke says
The world according to Bug. We almost need a dictionary just for his curse words. ????
Between Bug and his colorful cursing and Jason Mamoa’s SNL GE Big Boy skit, laughter is on today.
Kathy says
We need to introduce Bug to Ben of the Columbia Basin Pack
Susie Q. says
Worlds could topple if those 2 computer so geeky they’re cool wizards ever got together. Plus we would need a new dictionary .
Sivi says
+1
Siobhan says
+1
Suzann Schmid says
Having had a knee replacement that failed after 121/2 yrs replaced has turned me into someone who tries to laugh at creative cursing and to come up with more than cluckity cluck cluck cluck. My fave clean is son of a motherless goat. Gotta get caught up on this story line. I need some laughs right about now.
Natalie says
Oh Bug, how We the Horde love you so! Mostly for your personality and wonderful whit partly because you are a Swarmer and as a Horde we feel an affinity for Swarms.
Ami says
Ya know for somebody who teaches Sunday school I do totally have a thing for creative profanity. I love it. It makes me laugh. So I totally heart Bug. A really good creative curse is just so awesome. Lol
And now that I have small children this has led to me trying very creative cursing alternatives. Such as “poopie headed pickle sucker”, “frick on a flying frick stick” or “a flying fluffy farfenugen”. It’s a long way from calling someone a “butt sucking twat waffle” but it won’t get my kid written up if they say it at school so….
Mayte says
Arrggg… I don’t understand this lenguage ?, not used to read it. ??♀️.
ChrisP says
It’s very hard to understand cursing in a different language. For some reason, crude words and sayings are the hardest to translate.
Best of luck to you.
Jana says
Son of a monkey’s butt! Bug is da bomb! I love his creative language and he’s a great character. ?
Bill G says
Love it! BTW, for any who wish to look up, or find for use, crude terms from a couple centuries back, I recommend Grose’s Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue.
Adrianne says
You gave me a great laugh!
sarafina says
I like Bug. Will we be seeing more of him?
Jen says
Nope, they just wrote that to show off their creative cursing skills. ?
Alison Parker says
God I hope not; there must be more Bug!!
Taya says
he needs to talk to Ben the werewolf, he has some propper good and funny swears 🙂
Le Ann says
Rogan understands Bug’s reports…?
Wes1313 says
Gnome molester
??
Thank you I now have a new saying for my work place, I so love Bug.
ChrisP says
Bug is awesome. Does it say something about me that I admire creative cursing?
I saw this SNL skit about 4 1/2 years before my first child was born, but it stuck. After having children, I attempted to rein in my potty mouth. When my girls became adults, I was asked to explain why my go-to road-rage insult was to address the other driver as “Oz-weep-ay”. LOL
https://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/baby-names/n10279
wont says
Bwahahaha!!! I love Bug, I’m so glad Rogan rescued him. Who would have thought after we first met Bug that he would have turned into such a charmer. I like how he warmed to Nevada too. His life is definitely better, but I still feel sorry for him.
Karen says
????
I love Bug’s descriptions.
Katherine says
Hmmm….so yesterday Ilona joke that she was trying to keep Grandma Frida from flattening Houston and today Catalina has Bug looking for someone.
Did our beloved ALs fail in their quest after all???
Not sure how I feel about that?
Cheryl says
Snippets! I love snippets! Thank you! I loved most recent innkeeper but now will miss my Friday segments. I have really appreciated all the recent blog posts because they tide me over till next book.
Roger says
There’s a lot of swearing (creative & otherwise) in the Kurtherian Gambit series. Kind of a space opera, if you like that sort of thing…
If you want quality writing – well, stay with the AL
Ariel says
This made me laugh. Thanks for that. 🙂
DianainCa says
Love Bug! Anyone can use regular swear words it takes some creative thinking to come up with Bug’s version ?
David Edelman says
Wow, I absolutely understand keeping the description of Unicorn Lane fresh is a challenge, how much more of a challenge will it be to keep Bug’s pithy language fresh? I figure that anyone who come up with gnome molester is well up to the task 🙂
Ove T says
Those were new….I like them…might even use them…
Thank you for the laugh
Lynn T. says
Thank you, Ilona Andrews for the snippet. I would have worried about Bug as he tends to be a unique swearer. Clean too. My puppy has learned the f word and b word from my illegally minded neighbors. Sigh. At least with Bug he learns creativity.
Right now he is mulling over the edge book 1 chapter 1. He was so pathetic about missing Friday night innkeeper. He is a puppy so it was the human reading to me on Friday night’s bonding he really missed. But he knows Ilona Andrews means a treat.
Elodie says
Haha love it, I love you humour, thanks for the snippet !
Pia says
The Catalina series, are you self-publishing it or are you under contract? I thrilled to see that you’re continuing with the Hidden Legacy world. There’s just Sooooo much potential.
Much love. Keep writing, and take as much time as it takes to make it as unbelievably amazing as you always do.