ILONA ANDREWS

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A’ Trickin’ and A’Treatin’

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BDH twists on popular urban legends!

The Babysitter and the Clown

When Arabella emailed the Mod R inbox for a coffee meetup, I didn’t think much of it. A casual catch-up between the two of us wasn’t unusual, and I got used to her “I’ve got something hilarious to tell you” tone over the years. But when she slid into the seat across from me, pumpkin latte in hand, I knew this one was going to be good.

“Okay, out with it. You’re practically buzzing.”

“You’re not going to believe what happened at Neva’s last weekend.”

“Did baby Arthur design another HyperCaliber Cannon Blaster out of a toy xylophone and his teething ring?”

“Well, yes, he did that earlier, he’s my little genius nephew. But that’s not it! You know how Neva and Connor went on holiday to Puerto Rico…”

“I saw the Herald pics! It looked like paradise!”

“They so needed it. I volunteered for baby and house sitting because I wanted to hunt down my birthday presents. Nevada always goes all-out hiding them, you know the deal…”

“Truthseeker keeping secrets and all that.”

“Right,” Arabella said, settling into her story. “So, I’m sneaking around the house with Fel while Arthur was napping, poking around in closets and cupboards. Suddenly, she stops in the hallway outside one of the guest rooms, and starts silently signalling for danger, because she’s the bestest dog ever.”

“The gasp I gusped! Inside House Rogan’s mansion?!”

“I open the door and there’s a clown statue — this really creepy, vintage clown, with peeling paint and threadbare ruffled collar, eyes shut and jaw like a nightmare of wires and fangs. It looked like Yuck and Gross had a baby and named it Bleaurgh.”

“Omg, just what you wanted! They finally caved and bought you the haunted funhouse animatronics!”

“That’s what I thought. But Fel’s hackles were fully raised and something just felt off. This little ping of weirdness. So I call Connor’s security people and checked with them when the clown was delivered.”

“And?”

She smiled wickedly. “I made sure to be in the doorway as I spoke, and to sound really breathless and vulnerable.”

“Snicker, snicker, guffaw. The whole helpless babysitter fantasy, huh?”

“Bug is terrible at playing along, by the way. Never count on him for improv. When I let the call go dead and turned, the clown had predictably opened its eyes and returned my gaze.”

“Illusion mage?”

“Some upper Significant variety with extra pose kick. He actually said “I’ve been waiting for you”. All that time to think of a good line but no, still went for the tired cliché! He wants the child, he’ll spare me etc etc.”

“Mistake number 2, clown boy!  Is he…ontologically challenged right now?”

“Lol, no, I didn’t kill him. Just had a little fun, figured out who sent him, then delivered him gift-wrapped to MII. Augustine is designing some Illusion experiments. It won’t be pretty.”

With that, Arabella raised her latte in a mock toast “To birthday snooping, creepy clowns, and making smart choices.”

I clinked my coffee cup with hers, grinning. “To the coolest aunt!”

Jack-o’-Lantern Scoops

“I have the perfect pumpkin dagger!” Helen beamed at the shining blade engraved with looping, angular symbols and a darkened edge that looked more like a miniature saw with its row of small, perfectly-filed teeth.

“Did Arland give that to you?”

“Yes! He fought with it against the Zuul-vash, and they don’t stay dead unless you scoop them out,” Helen whispered with gory fascination as she pierced the top of the pumpkin.

I made eye contact with Sean, wondering if intergalactic weapons were the safest option for carving jack-o’-lanterns.

“She’s using it correctly,” the werewolf shrugged. “I see no reason to worry.”

“He taught me how when he gave it to me. I think his bears wanted him to.”

That finally got Sean to pause.

“Arland’s…bears?” I asked, puzzled. Helen knew all about the culture and history of the Holy Anocracy, especially House Krahr and the mighty heraldic beasts they took their name from. It wasn’t like her to confuse the fauna of Daesyn and Earth. “Do you mean the animals on the House crest?”

“Nooooo, Mod R, those are the Krahr! They have big teeth like this,” she curled her index fingers next to her baby vampire fangs, and I sorely regretted the fact that I was covered in pumpkin guts and couldn’t snap a picture. “The Zuul-vash dagger comes from the bears. They must be very powerful bears, the Scribe always talks about them.”

“Yes, R, what’s so hard to believe? Marshal Goldilocks of House Krahr is kept in porridge and juuuuust right pumpkin daggers by his huge bears,” Sean snickered. “Entirely on brand, if you ask me.”

“Mommy told me that story. Goldilocks only had three bears. The Marshal has four.”

“Oh,” I said, at the same time Sean hid his face in his innkeeper robe collar. “His forebears. F-O-R-E. That means Arland’s ancestors, the mighty vampires of old legend.”

“Yes. They fought the Zuul-vash in caves, you know. SCOOP!” Helen flung pumpkin seeds all the way  to the ceiling in her enthusiasm.

“Orro is going to freak out over the state of the kitchen when they come back from Baha-char.”

“We’ll blame it on the bears.”

PS:

“There is no blog content. There is only Zuul” – Sign of life from House Andrews. They’re in the editing cave, working hard so we can get the bestest of books, but all is well, and they thank you for the encouraging messages!

Happy Halloween!

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Comments

    • I love the bears. I love the bears. reminds me of some funny grandchildren stories I’m not going to tell here but will call the Abuela across the street for coffee tomorrow and regale her so she can tell me her own funny neito stories. We grandmas have to stick together or we’ll make everyone crazy

  2. Snicker, chortle, guffaw!

    I do hope the clown gets at least passing mention in whatever Arabella story comes next.

  9. The more I see Arabella from her own POV, the more I like her.

    And I just love Helen!

    I didn’t know I needed these snippets.

  16. This is awesome! Thanks, ModR.

    Also, please keep us updated with the (Mis)Adventures of Steve whenever inspiration and the mood strikes. 🙂

  17. I love the bears! But my favorite will always be those ripper cushions!

    I hope the editing is going well. I am starting a reread of Hidden Legacy because.. well just because.

    • Yea! I didn’t realize how much I missed those two families! It must be time for a reread again! I’m so tired of politics I just want to pull the covers over my head until its over. There should be enough books to read one a day until the furor is over.

  24. Happy Halloween to you all, hope you have the spookiest of times 😱

    ModR you are amazing as ever, loved your Trick or Treating 🤣

  29. You’re the best! Thank you for the laughter!
    We have our local 500lb give or take bear in the swamp behind us- hope he stays there and doesn’t bother any kids that might go trick or treating. last year had whole 5.

  37. Mod R, you have the best conversations. Doesn’t matter if you’re covered in pumpkin guts or having tea or coffee at a meeting place.

    I agree with Arabella. Fel is the bestest dog in Houston. Augustine has what’s coming to him after pulling that stunt. If Connor saw it, there would not only be ripper cushions, but also a flattened clown.

    Thanks for the snippets. Good luck with edits!

    👻🤡☠️🦴🧛‍♂️🧛‍♀️🧟‍♀️🍬🍫🥸😎

    • I love Sean’s response with Marshal Goldilocks while Helen is scooping the guts out of the pumpkin.

      Too bad we didn’t get the looks and response of Orro, Maud, Arland, and Dina (if she went with them) when they got back from Baha-Char. Helen telling them that the “bears” did it. 😀

  38. Can some one refresh my faulty brain.

    Arabella & “Fel” ??? … I completely got Arabella but for the life of me I don’t recall Fel whatsoever…backstory & or book & or wherever I can can find the story where Fel was added/introduced.

    Thanks!

      • Thanks

        I did not miss that story/snippet… 😞

        I had hoped that I somehow MISSED a something and now I would be FORCED to go read it …

        I realize that my brain error was in not making a lasting connection between “Ophelia” & the short quick “Fel”.

        Oh well it was a nice quick reread anyway.

        Thanks Mod R.

        • Well I missed the snippet so thanks to both Strike for asking and for the Mod R response. I think I will re-read the series for the next 5 days and escape this reality for awhile.

      • Thank you. I missed this snippet somehow, or my forgetory is operating better than usual. (Other people have memories. I instead have a forgetory, which works very well indeed.)

      • I forgot about that short it was so worth a reread..I miss hidden legacy so much. Happy editing and thanks mod r for the awesome treat!!

  40. CLOWNS & DOLLS! Ugh, my worst nightmare ever! It all started with riding the elephant at a circus, then proceeded to be tortured by older cousins and siblings thru the years.
    I am 57 years old and they still chase me!😂 ( my sibs dressed as clowns). They even put red balloons attached to the sewer grates around my house.
    I often pray they get diarrhea at the most inconvenient moments!

    ModR, you and my glass of red have made my night, thank you🥰

  44. Thank you so much for the festive updates. Seeing you ok and working always brings happiness and joy. Make sure you take time to care for yourselves too please? I read somewhere that happy, healthy authors make more books, so it’s entirely out of self-interest that I ask.

  45. Four bears! Forebears 🤣 now I’m doing the “four candles” sketch in my head ( fork handles) 😎😜🤣

    British humour at its best.

    Thank you Mod R 💖

  46. The four bears is going next to ripper cushions! lol. That was awesome. Thank you House Andrews and Mod R

  51. I love these snippety snips of life! But the one I would truly appreciate as a Xmas gift is the famous Moat Meeting, ideally with the cousins doing shenanagins aided by Dogs… Am writing to Santa next.

  54. Ontologically challenged had me. Will have to somehow steal it for everyday use. Happy All Hallows Eve.

  56. Thank you to the best Mod in the business.

    I have given up television until after the election. I just can not deal with the screaming, the abuse of the other party, the ridiculous commercials. So, having gone to vote already, I’m thinking I need to borrow a stasis chamber from House Krahr to complete my retreat from the horror that is an election in the U.S.

    Except then I might miss one of Mod R’s posts. Or one of Ilona’s.

    Moaning.

    I know, I’ll just hide in bed, pull the covers over my head and do a complete re-read of EVERYTHING that House Andrews has put out.

    Wish me luck, I’m about to dive in

    • Already voted too *fist bump*. And I gave up TV years ago. Now I just have to delete, without opening, at least a dozen emails every time I sign on. And throw the snailmail ads into the recycling. This too shall pass.

      • I too have voted, so yay, that’s over with…I hate the waste generated by the snail mail campaign. I receive 3-4 of these things per day. It’s scary how thoroughly and easily the campaigns can find my various aliases online, not to mention my actual full name, which I never use! I think that the funds allocated for paper campaigning should be used to do some actual good in this country. Feed the poor, help all those who have been displaced by the recent hurricanes. Stepping off the soapbox (sigh). Shout out to HA and ModR for the lovely read today!

  57. Mod R, Thank you so much for these shorts! You made my day! Happy Halloween!

    Sending best wishes and productive thoughts to House Andrews.

  60. Haha! Out of the mouths of children…four-bears. 😂
    I hate clowns! Creepy! 🤡
    Happy Halloween! 🎃 👻

  61. Great little stories, thank you so much!

    Fyi, “me and my 4 bears” has been entered into my personal lexicon, with due credit to Helen

    Happy Halloween to House Andrews, Mod, and the BDH 😉 BOO!

  62. 4 bears is awesome! thank you for the treat!

    It reminds when my son was a ring bear for my sister’s wedding.

    Happy Halloween, all!

  64. Thank you so much for these delightful tidbits!
    Can I borrow some blades from the bears? There are some spiders that need scooping around here…

  67. Hidden Legacy and Innkeeper are favorites of ours on constant audio book repeat. These stories are a true TREAT keeping the characters alive in our imagination. We would love love love new books and audio books with Arabella or others from that world and are anxiously awaiting the next installment of Inkeeper. Thanks for the smile!!

  69. lovely lovely so many smiles. as always much appreciated. please enjoy snickers and reeeces and all the yummy.

  82. only Zuul…love it. Now I must go and watch vintage Ghostbusters…in honor of my forebears 🙂🤣

  84. Happy spooky Halloween to HA and Mod R🫶🎃
    Mod R, help me with something please! In the Coolest Aunt, Arabella calls a man grandfather, but in Ruby Fever she doesn’t know Linus is her grandfather…was there a different man?

    • “In Ruby Fever, she doesn’t know Linus is grandfather”

      Arabella knows Linus is her grandfather in Ruby Fever. Catalina isn’t aware that Arabella knows, which makes her our unreliable narrator, since Ruby Fever is her from her POV.

      Which is very much on purpose on Arabella’s part 😉

  86. “Augustine is designing some Illusion experiments.”

    I am trying to imagine Augustine’s Illusion experiments. Fortunately, my imagination is not good enough.

  95. When did Arabella get a dog?! Have I missed a new short story or snippet? Please say yes! A new House Andrew’s story I haven’t read yet would be the best holiday present. Though a reason to reread every book in ever series is always welcome!

  99. Is there going to be a next book in the Hidden Legacy series. It would be nice if we had one more book with Arabella as the FL. Where she has to choose between Michael and the Russian prince.

    Am curious about the favor that Nevada and Catalina promised the record keeper. What was Linus’s objection that he withdrew but said wouldn’t help in any other way.

    • Hi Maya,

      The Hidden Legacy series status is “Finished for now” – the status of all series can be checked on the Release Schedule page on the blog https://ilona-andrews.com/release-schedule/

      This means that although sequels are possible, they are not guaranteed or in official plans.

      Nevada’s favour to the Record Keeper is owed by House Baylor, however Catalina promised in the name of the Warden of Texas office. The objection withdrawn related to Michael of the Record Keeper office and Arabella 🙂

      • thanks for the explanation. it will definitely be something that I would love to read if there is a sequel with these things of favors and Arabella.

        The Hidden Legacy books were very interesting and intriguing and I thouroughly enjoyed reading them. 🙂

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