ILONA ANDREWS

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Born Under a Horde Sign

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Since NASA (sort-of) confirmed the discovery of Earth’s new moon, regular zodiacs have been temporarily suspended for Spooky Season. Because traditional signs don’t account for shapeshifters, galactic inns, or kaijus with fashion hobbies, this October we’re astrologically operating under House Andrews rules.

Move over, Mercury, it’s the Horde’s turn to be in retrograde! Welcome to the Ilona Andrews Zodiac*:

Kate Daniels – Capricorn

You head the zodiac because you’re the one pulling us all after you.

After long years of holding the world together by sarcasm, grit and pain threshold alone, you’ve learned to set some ward boundaries. And then the world has the nerve to turn around and tell you not to take the Babylonian towers at the edges of your land personally?! But you’re literally a person!

So, now you’re in your ‘we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it’ era of protecting your peace, one eye roll at a time. The rest of us will just learn to keep up.

Adaline Moore – Aquarius

You’ve made a life out of surviving the unsurvivable.

Betrayals and incompetence from those around don’t stop you. If someone ghosts you, you respect the dead and move on, winning battles and making allies on the way up. The Adas of the world put the ‘Here be monsters’ on our maps of the unexplored.

When it’s your turn to get mood poisoning, you like to take your pet beast for a wander around the local heavily-wooded area. Becoming the thing that terrifies the townspeople is free.

Maud Demille – Pisces

Welcome to the high melting point of ionic compounds!

You suffer like they’re handing out prizes for it, and would rather live on metaphorical Karhari than ask for help. Once you accept that your empathy for people can be returned, and you deserve to be helped and loved back, you shine like no other. On and off space stations.

Don’t look now, but there might be a whole planet of loyal vampires who have your back.

Arabella Baylor – Aries

You feel and love more deeply than most, but you can also be a weapon of mass disrespect when you choose to.

People underestimate you at their peril, and you’re not above leaning into their biases as a public service. Who else will teach them the lessons they so clearly need, like: “silly doesn’t mean stupid”; “chatter was given to me so I can better conceal my thoughts”; and, crucially, “mess with the honk, you get the bonk”.

The world can be a lot when you’re a volcano doing its best to hold explosions in check with nothing but sheer will and a well-tailored outfit. Everything will be ok. And you have people you can love in the meantime.

Hugh d’Ambray – Taurus

You’d rather die on your white unicorn horse than get off it.

Mortals love to spread rumors about your past; you consider it fanfiction. Even if they don’t recognize it, you know the path from iron-fisted warlord to iron-willed protector took a lot of introspection. Preceptor in the streets, up all night pondering corporeal existence in the sheets, y’all!

Keep healing, digging safe moats, and proving that redemption, once chosen, doesn’t need anyone’s permission. You hear that, megalomaniac wizards everywhere?

Catalina – Gemini

The living embodiment of your duality: enchanted voice, deadly gift; anxious heart, brilliant mind.

You got such a head for knowin’. When you roll up to your first rodeo, no one’s able to tell, because you’ve researched rodeos a bunch beforehand. But if they ask you a question about your personal life, you’re apt to freeze. It’s frustrating when everyone mistakes that shyness for fragility.

You don’t need to choose between the two halves, Siren and Harpy. You were always meant to be both the melody and the scream.

Julie Lennart-Olsen – Cancer

If love demands a limb, you sharpen the Stymphalian-blade knife yourself.

There’s no personal sacrifice too high when the people you care for need it. Your accomplishments can seem like a curse: seeing everyone’s true colours, remembering everything, and building blood armor out of the pain. Even when you think no one recognises you behind that thick carapace of disguise, remember that you are known and you are loved.

They call you defiant and bratty. You didn’t choose this honor; it was awarded to you in combat. Wait … why does that medal look suspiciously like a metal rose?

Curran – Leo

Let’s be honest, who else could do this job? Not Jim, that’s for sure.

You definitely could have waited to be king, but the spotlight finds your First nature wherever you go. This is the sign of solar gravity; people can’t help being pulled into your orbit. The Beast Lord who built an impenetrable Keep out of discipline and sheer decibels!

That’s not to say your life is all hakuna matata: the only fairies you’ve come across lay dead at the feet of the Sharatum who looked you dead in the Alpha headlights and said, “Here, kitty, kitty”. But you’d roar it no other way.

George Camarine – Virgo

You’re playing chess while everyone else is still trying to figure out the rules to Candy Land.

In the endless pursuit of order and solutions to the great cosmic problems, you sometimes forget that the people you love aren’t pieces on the board – they get to move themselves. Yes, we know you’re better at thinking ahead and across parallel realities. Allow some surprise in your life! Even your leisure time comes with footnotes, and your actual hobby is usually researching the hobby.

We sometimes giggle when you keep tripping on that rug you sweep things under. It’s not meanness; we’re just glad there’s one reminder left that you’re still human, and not just the algorithm that holds the universe together.

Dina Demille – Libra

You’ve turned diplomacy and balance into an art form, and simply being in your presence is regulating for those battling chaos.

Equal parts empathy, boundary-setting, and creative problem disintegration, the space around you is a haven because you are one. Calm in the storm, kind to the lost, and willing to sweep up a galaxy’s worth of messes, your shoulders would rival Atlas’. You are the supreme back-haver of all support systems, and deep down you don’t even understand why everyone is on their own journey? That’s a horrible idea, we should all be forming supportive Hordes to see us through!

Sure, you do sometimes take risks and fall in love with werewolf poets here and there. But who amongst us hasn’t counted their philosophical chickens before they scholared?

Roman the Black Volhv – Scorpio

We’re not the villain. We’re the warning.

Someone has to commune with the mysteries of the descent into the void, and take over the responsibility of meeting the initiating divine in its terrible aspect. Look for us where the shadows hang out, for a reminder that endless glow, without contrast or rest, is just another kind of destruction. We’re the keepers of the necessary dark.

When conditions are met, we can be very nice. Most people are still trying to figure out what those conditions are, so in the meantime, we’ll be misunderstood. Send help. And snacks. (Snacks first.)

Orro – Ophiuchus the Phoenix (the secret 13th sign)

Because any star-studded event needs a Red Cleaver chef! Yay, astral jokes!

The sign of dramatic reinvention, emotional artistry, and setting things on FIRE! when people fail to appreciate your genius. You rise from your Shakespearean-level despair and your dramatic woods every few months, covered in flour and glory, and produce something that makes the galaxy weep. The melodrama is a necessary step.

Those born under Orro are passionate, perfectionist, and possess a heart as big as a mango cupcake is delicious. Don’t disturb the masters at work.

Nevada Baylor – Sagittarius

Truth is your compass, and you never miss north.

You’re the first responder in a crisis: calm, steady, and leading when the world is caught in a wildfire. The steady center that holds the zodiac family together, you’re the ego that mediates between Arabella’s brilliant id and Catalina’s relentless superego. You see through lies the way others see through glass, but sometimes you have to hide the full reach of your power, because freedom means everything to you.

Keep chasing the horizon. The blaze bends for those who know where they’re aiming.

*Before anyone asks: no, I didn’t pull the character charts or call an astrologer. These are vibe-based matches, not canon-compliant book birthdays. I don’t like to pay attention to detail. That’s the thing the devil is in!

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Comments

  4. Love this! Especially Roman as a Scorpio!! It’s my birthday today and we are celebrating Scorpio season!!! 🎉🎊

  8. Scorpios rule! 11/11 here. But my daughter will love “ weapon of mass disrespect” – that’s perfect!
    Happy Friday indeed…

  10. So fun!
    It ring true with Sagittarius and Nevada. Im taking a few days off from shepparding/refereeing my family for my birthday in December. I booked a room and I am taking a few of my physical TBRs to be by myself.
    Fingers crossed the family structure maintains while I try to get some peace and quiet

    • Oh, what a lovely idea! You just gave me an idea for my December birthday present to myself.

    • Go you! What a great way to celebrate!

      When my Kid1 was a preschooler, my husband was out of town for my birthday. I told her we could do something special for dinner – either go out, or get something special to eat in, her choice. She said, “Let’s have something *really special!* Let’s have…chicken noodle soup!” So we did: Progresso, to be exact. I was giggling to myself the whole time, and on every occasion since then when something reminds me of the time I realized, for absolute certain, that it wasn’t just about me anymore.

  12. Mod R, as always you are the mod with the mostest!
    Thanks for the Friday fun — and the search tip.

    Have a fab weekend!

  13. So much fun!!!

    In our house it is us two Adeline’s raising a George (our youngest) and Roman (our oldest).

    Happy Spooky season!

  15. As a fellow Gemini I love the quote from Moonstruck. My mom, a Taurus, and I can quote the whole thing. I even read it in her voice.

    You have such a head for knowin’, you know everything.

  17. Stand back world. Hugh is in the HOUSE. I shall D’Ambray away!

    ModR comes up with the bestest stuff.

  18. Whoa, a fun post every day this week! You’re spoiling us and you know where that leads. Whining for more! This was great! Thanks much!

  19. As a Roman married to an Adaline with Curran and George as adult children, I find this freakily accurate and am also embracing, “If someone ghosts me, I respect the dead and move on.”

    Thanks Mod R for the witty fun and cute asteroid!

    • Sean’s a Roman sun, with a strong Hugh rising ascendant. Passion in the 1st house, loyalty in the 8th, and Mars in “don’t touch my Innkeeper”

  21. Arabella as an Aries is spot on. I nodded in agreement while reading.
    “People underestimate you at their own peril.” is so true. 😁

    I got a huge smile when I read that Roman fit the Scorpio realm. My mom was a Scorpio. She and I got along really well.

    Curran a Leo? Hmm…I wonder why you would think that? 🤔😉🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Thanks Mod R for the laughs.

    • Monsieur De Talleyrand will forgive me for the paraphrase if I copy his original here: “Speech was given to man to conceal his thoughts.”

      I’ve been obsessed with this quote ever since I was a child. One who never shut up 😀

  23. Who needs facts and cannon-compliant???? The BDH and amazing Mod R can create their own!! Now to go adjust my compliant past to the new Mod R scale…………..

  25. Oh, Mod R, you are wonderful. Thanks for your many, many treats.

    Am I the only one who had to lookup Ophiuchus?

    • So I looked it up to confirm my memory that it is a sign of a healer. Supposedly drawn to resemble a god of medicine. And thus I came across this alleged set of character traits: “Ophiuchus represents healing, transmutation, and redemption.”

      Hugh, anyone? Or Julie? They’re each at least 2 of 3…

  28. Thank you, ModR, for this delightful literary gem! My Friday is so much lighter for having read it.
    Truly appreciate all you do for House Andrews and the Horde!
    Sending peace, health and safety to all!

    • Take a pinch of whatever fits and leave the rest behind 😉

      I’d say hiding the extent of your full potential for strategic reasons is a strong common thread there!

  31. LMFAOO!!!! I AM SO HERE FOR THE VIBES-BASED ASTROLOGY!!

    Mod R if you want a reading from an astrologer just hit me up, I’d be happy to read your chart gratis for this.

  32. Catalina!! Gemini!! Both siren and harpy – yup, that’s me!! Although, as an alto, I’m not really melody. And the scream? Hoo, baby, can I scream!! ♊

  33. Team Metal Rose forever!!!

    Mod R? These are fantastic! Now we just need a calendar with appropriate pics for each sign! I would totally buy that!!!

  34. I’m a Dina with Nevada rising… and I fit both, to a T. What a combo!

    My husband is a Julie, and together we’re raising a Curran and a Nevada.

  36. I see. When someone ghosts Adaline, it’s usually because they have literally turned into a ghost.

  37. George – You’re playing chess while everyone else is still trying to figure out the rules to Candy Land.

    Perfection.

  40. Hugh….My Taurus! This was just awesome…. I’m a Taurus and will never get off my horse! Seriously, Love it. Thanks for a great Friday laugh.

  44. You’re playing chess while everyone else is still trying to figure out the rules to Candy Land. This is priceless!

  48. Dear Mod R,

    I heard your voice in every line of Born under a Horde Sign and loved it. When is the Audio version coming out? It should definitely be self-narrated.
    Thank you for all you do!

  51. Huh, I’m virgo but the only way I relate to George and chess is I’m trying to make a felted Moomin chess set for my dad. Moomin mamma and Moomin papa are obviously king and queen but haven’t figured out the others because there so many fun characters.
    I might do hattifatterners for pawns

    Now I’m wondering which chess piece would Ilona Andrews Characters be or has this already been mentioned?

  54. This is awesome Mod R: somehow, nobody in my house (hubby, daughter and I) knew about this, and we all love geeking out on space stuff! Thank you for the heads-up!

    Also: I have always identified with Arabella, and now I know why: fellow Aries! 😂 This was so much fun…you’re the best moderator ever! 💕💕💕

  55. This is so fun!!! Thank you so much! 😍 – From a smirking Leo 🦁

    PS who are the dead fairies? 🧐

    • Razer in the main series (Daddy killed him dead!) and the Queen under the hill in Magic Clams 🙂

  56. This is the best! Very Walter Mercado (for those who know who he is)!Maybe Mod R has a secret calling…;)

  58. Ohhh – now I understand why I keep wanting to read more about George Camarine – we’re the same star sign!!! 🙂

  63. Fun; thanks. With regards to “I don’t like to pay attention to detail. That’s the thing the devil is in!”, I’ll toss in this:
    “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.”
    — Ralph Waldo Emerson

  69. Nailed Virgo and George is PERFECT! I can’t tell you how many times other Virgos have asked me “Are you a TRUE Virgo?”

    • As opposed to a FAKE Virgo? Am I missing something in what they are asking you?
      I ask because i’m a Virgo and i’ve never had anyone ask me that so, of course, i now really need to know, lol!

  70. As a Capricorn, this astrology chart is the G.O.A.T! Loved it, happy to be part of the amazing BDH, even more happy to read ANYTHING written by HA and ModR!!!

  71. I’m a Pisces, and having my favorite character for my sign gave me quite the pick me up this morning.

  74. Sudden thought about Roman the Black Volve: He, as the high priest of Chernobog, would have power(s) over vampires beyond his vampire-chomping carnivorous staff.

    • Why 🙂? Vampires in KD world exist because of the Immortuus pathogen, created from Roland’s blood. What power would Chernobog grant over it?

  76. I like that first item under Roman: We’re not the villain. We’re the warning.

    Very true.

  78. I love that you put Kate – Capricorn with Curran – Leo. Match made in heaven or hell :))
    PS. Me and my hubs are the same, me capricorn and him leo. I read in a zodiac book somewhere at the compatibility, it said “You’re better off shooting yourself” :)))

  79. Thank you, Mod R. I love, “Someone has to commune with the mysteries of the descent into the void, and take over the responsibility of meeting the initiating divine in its terrible aspect.” The most creative way to say, “It’s the family business.” Ever.

  80. This was fun! I’m a Kate married to a Julie, and our offspring are Roman and Catalina, respectively. I’ve been told all my life that I don’t fit the goatish profile, but I was born 6 weeks early and was supposed to have been a Maud. I yam what I yam, lol! Thanks for the excellent diversion, ModR- so glad you are our Horde wrangler!

  82. I was almost upset because Nevada as a Sag was at the bottom. We adventurous types need to stick together

  86. Given that the signs that astrologers use are actually two off from where the stars really are (due to drift over the millennia), I think that your signs are just fine!

  92. Love love love this – and not just for keeping Pisces near the start of the list but also for giving this much maligned sign a badass like Maud.

  94. Hurray for Capricorns cohabitating with Hugh D’Ambray! This is the best horrorscope ever. Thanks.

  95. Hahaha Taurus is so accurate. Also Scorpio. And since Scorpio and Taurus are supposed to be ideal matches, I am 100% shipping Hugh-Roman. Fight me.

  97. Very nice summary of some of my favorite people. You make me wanna write. Wanna start an anthology with these guys. Thanks for the memories, such great books and characters. We are so lucky to have you.

  100. Of course Hugh is a Taurus. I’m a Taurus. My husband is a Taurus. It’s not supposed to work, but here we are after 35 years still pissing each other off with our stubborn assholishness. Carry on.