One upon a time there was an Amazon reviewer whose name was Harriet Klausner. She was the #1 reviewer on Amazon and her reviews were at times very odd. Her review of MAGIC BLEEDS stated that Kate and Curran were on the outs, which meant that “there was absolutely no twittering.” Since Twitter and internet don’t really exist in KD universe due to the magic apocalypse, the review made us laugh and we had written the first Twitter conversation between Kate and Curran. Since then we have done a few more, so here are most of them in no particular order.
They are more like texts, really, than Twitter, so we renamed them.
I’ll be right back
Jim: 15 minutes to Pack/People meeting.
Kate: I’ll be late.
Kate: I’ve got to do something.
a minute later
Curran: What do you mean you’ll be late? Where r you?
Kate: I’ll be right there, just start without me.
Curran: The meeting’s been set over a month in advance. Where r you?
Kate: I said, I’ll be right there.
Curran: Where. Are. You?
Kate: Don’t take that tone of voice with me, I don’t appreciate it.
Curran: Would you just tell me where you are?
Kate: Corner of manticore and white.
Curran: Half an hour away. Why am I not surprised. What are you doing there?
Kate: I’ve got to do something. I don’t appreciate being interrogated.
Jim: There is a giant armored octopus on the corner of manticore and white.
Jim: It’s on TV.
Kate to Jim: I kil u.
Jim to Kate: Payback.
Curran: I can see you on the news. Kate, answer your phone.
Curran: Answer your phone, damn it.
Curran to Kate: Don’t even think about it.
Kate to Curran: I’ll bring sushi to meeting. Love u, bye.
Jim: I think she just dropped her I-phone.
Curran to Kate: God fucking damn it.
Jim: That was a nice cut on his tentacle. Should I hold the meeting?
Curran: No, start without me. I’ll be right back.
The Wilson Building
Raphael to Curran: Are you there?
Raphael: I’m at a real estate auction. The pervert is here. He’s trying to buy the Wilson building.
Curran: What’s the bid?
Raphael: Six hundred grand.
Curran: Bid against him.
Raphael: Got it.
Curran: What the hell is the Wilson building?
Raphael: Beats me.
Curran to Jim: Why would Saiman want to buy the Wilson building?
Jim to Curran: Hello to you too, Your Majesty.
Curran: Can you just answer the damn question?
Jim to Curran: Let me check on it.
Curran: Is he in?
Raphael: Oh yeah, he is in.
Curran: keep going.
Kate to Curran: Where are you? I thought we had a sparring date.
Curran: Something’s come up.
Kate: Oh really?
Curran: I’ll be right there. Give me ten minutes.
Curran: Keep bidding.
Kate: What are you up to?
Kate: You sound suspicious.
Curran: How can you tell how I sound through Twitter?
Kate: I’m coming up to our rooms.
Raphael: One mil. Curran, that’s a lot of money…
Curran: Sorry, had to move to the bathroom. Keep bidding.
Curran to Jim: anything?
Jim: I’m checking on it.
Raphael: 1,200,000 <— zeroes. A lot of them.
Curran to Jim: Keep bidding.
Curran to Raphael: Today.
Raphael: I didn’t get that.
Jim: Keep bidding on what?
Kate: I know you’re in the bathroom. I can see your shadow in the gap under the door.
Curran to Kate: Trained investigator.
Kate: Is everything okay in there?
Raphael: 1,400,000 Holy shit, I don’t even know if we can cover this.
Curran: Keep bidding.
Curran to Jim: WHAT’S IN THE WILSON BUILDING?
Jim: Someone’s got a temper.
Raphael: $1,600,000. Curran, Curran, this is bad, this is really bad
Kate: I can hear you typing on your phone.
Curran: No, you can’t.
Jim: Saiman wants it because it’s next to Red Room, an underground casino.
Raphael: $1,750,000 Our Father, who art in Heaven…
Jim: The area had been leveled by a freak hurricane last month.
Raphael: Hallowed be Thy Name…
Jim: Wilson is the only place intact enough to convert to a hotel within a five mile radius.
Curran to Raphael: drop it. Walk away.
Raphael: Oh God. Oh my God.
Curran to Raphael: Did he buy it?
Raphael: He got it for $1,800,000. He looks green.
Curran to Jim: I just made Saiman pay $1,800,000 for a $600,000 building.
Jim: There is something wrong with you, man.
Curran to Kate: Hey baby. How about that sparring?
Kate: You know, instead of Twitting, you could just open the door.
Kate: At the market. Do you want anything besides coffee?
Kate: What kind of meat?
Curran: Delicious meat.
Kate: I get that. Beef or venison?
Curran: I don’t care. Hey, so about your dress.
Kate: Which dress?
Curran: The white one. I washed it but the blood won’t come out.
Kate: Did you try to do laundry again?
Curran: I don’t try. I do.
Kate: Julie, is he doing laundry?
Kate: Did he separate whites and darks or did he just stuff them all together into the washing machine again?
Julie: He separated. He bleached your dress. I told him not to do it.
Kate: It’s the second time he has ever done laundry in his entire life. We just need to cut him some slack.
Kate: Hey honey, did you use bleach on my silk dress?
Curran: Yes, I did. The stains won’t come out. The instructions on the container said to soak it in a gallon of water and a cup of bleach, so it’s been soaking.
Kate: Aha. Can you check on the dress?
Curran: Sure. Hmm. Kate, I don’t know how to tell you, but your dress has holes in it. I don’t know how that happened.
Kate: I didn’t like that dress anyway.
Kate: Curran, are you there?
Curran: Yeah. Hang on, there is something walking across our lawn.
Kate: It’s probably just the electric meter dude again.
Kate: Curran? Do not assault the meter person. If you chase him up a tree again, we’ll never hear the end of it. I’m serious.
Kate: Julie, what the hell is he doing?
Julie: There is a giant two headed dog in our yard. It has huge horns and it’s dripping glowing spit. Curran’s talking to it. Hang on, I’ll open the window.
Julie: It’s just told him it’s a demon. He’s asking it what it wants.
Julie: Apparently, it wants to eat his face. Oh it puked up a dog corpse. Gross.
Kate: Is he beating it?Paragraph
Julie: With a cinder block the contractors left.
Kate: Does he look happy?
Julie: Yus. He’s smiling. There is blood everywhere.
Kate: ::sigh:: Do you want anything from the market?
Julie: Eyeliner and apples.
Dabwaha was a contest ran by Dear Author and SMBT jointly and one year Kate Daniels and Hidden Legacy were pitted against each other in the finale. Usually the rival authors troll each other but since we are the only authors invoived, we must troll ourselves…
Dina: Welcome to the Dabwaha debate. We are here, at Gertrude Hunt Inn, to help you make a decision between two books, Magic Breaks and Burn For Me. One of these novels will take home the title of the Dabwaha Champion. On our right we have Kate Daniels and Curran Lennart who will argue for Magic Breaks. On our left we have Nevada Baylor and Connor Rogan for Burn For Me.
Let’s begin with Kate and Curran. Why do you feel your book should win Dabwaha?
Curran: We’re a more established series.
Kate: Yes. We were here first.
Curran: Also, we are an actual couple.
Rogan: Are you married?
Kate: We’re engaged.
Nevada: But you are getting married in this upcoming book, right?
Kate: Not exactly.
Rogan: So you’ve been engaged for two books now. You live together. You clearly have an adopted child. Yet, you are unmarried.
Curran: What’s your point?
Rogan: Is that a common thing in the future?
Nevada: Maybe it’s like magic. Maybe sometimes you are married and sometimes, when it’s convenient, you are not married?
Dina: I now have to reiterate that no violence will be tolerated. Please continue.
Curran: Why is marriage even an issue?
Rogan: It is clear that hero and heroine of the books should lead by example. You didn’t get together until fourth book, you are now on book eight and you have yet to finalize your commitment. We are questioning your moral integrity.
Curran: You are not married. You are not even together. You just have this instalust thing going.
Kate: Yes, you are just “forced together” by “Circumstance” so you can make out in public. Your moral integrity seems to be situational. Also, last time I checked, exhibitionism isn’t exactly a behavior people should imitate.
Nevada: It was one time. Your werelion broke into your apartment. And you physically brawl throughout the series.
Kate: You billionaire kidnapped you and chained you to the floor. If you need some self-defense pointers, I’ll be happy to teach you after the debate.
Nevada: Coming from a woman who by her own admission couldn’t hit a barn with a bullet, that’s not much of an insult. I can help you with that.
Kate: I can hit a barn with a bullet.
Kate: I’ll just have to throw it.
Rogan: You only have two books left.
Curran: No, you only have two books left. We have three.
Nevada: We are under contract for two more books and unlike the two of you, we’re not going to drag it out and toy with people’s emotions.
Kate: That’s probably because the two of you have the emotional depth of a tater tot.
Rogan: You’re on the way out. We are newer, cooler, and we have the benefit of worldbuilding that doesn’t make people’s heads hurt.
Kate: Aha. So you’re like us, except dumbed down.
Nevada: No, we are younger, more dynamic, and we have the benefit of many years of experience our authors accumulated while working on your books.
Rogan: Face it, you were a trial run.
Curran: We have the fans. You are just piggybacking off our success.
Kate: Two words: side series.
Nevada: We are financially stable. First, I have a detective agency that actually makes money. Rogan has a company that …
Kate: Does something unspecified that also makes money? You don’t even know what he does for a living.
Nevada: At least, he doesn’t turn into a lion at night.
Kate: At least, he doesn’t try to buy me.
Rogan: First, I didn’t try to buy her. Second, it’s probably because he doesn’t have any money to buy you with.
Curran: I don’t have to buy her. She loves me. Did Nevada ever say “I love you?”
Rogan: Unlike you, I don’t have to have the affirmation.
Curran: It’s a yes or no question, spoiled rich boy.
Rogan: I’m sorry, did you ever hold a job? Any job? You look like a big strong guy. Military service, perhaps?
Curran: I served my people for seventeen years. You, with all your money, can’t even buy a shirt so you don’t run around naked on your covers. People are now pasting things to cover you up. You’re an embarrassment.
Nevada: Yes, you were the king, who womanized and had his every need attended to so he could occasionally roar. Some of us work for a living.
Kate: Really? How old are you? Twenty four or so? You still live with your mom?
Curran: Oh, shots fired.
Nevada: I live with my mom because she needs me. Unlike you, I actually have a good relationship with my remaining parent.
Kate: That was a low blow. I didn’t expect anything else from you.
Curran: It’s a good question. How is this romance going to work, exactly? Is Rogan going to have to clear all of your relatives like a running back on a football field and then, when he gets to your loft, they can all listen and yell touchdown when he lands in there?
Dina: Mr. Rogan please put down the refrigerator. Mr. Lennart, your claws and teeth are not necessary. I think we’re done here. Each of you, final words.
Curran: Vote for us. We were here first. We’ve entertained you for years. We have a history together.
Nevada: What’s in the past is in the past. Vote for us. We are the new best thing and we’ll entertain you for years to come.
Kate: There is only one Beast Lord!
Rogan: Yes, and his name is Jim Shrapshire. Vote for us. We’re not Dorothy and a Cowardly Lion.
Dina: Okay. We are so sorry to cut this debate short. Please don’t worry about your heroes and heroines, the Inn is very gently restraining them and they will not be harmed. We hope you’ve enjoyed this debate. Vote here for your favorite. As always, Gertrude Hunt welcomes you any time.
Conlan’s Birthday Text
Jim to Curran: What should I buy your son for his first birthday?
Curran: Nothing loud.
Curran: Nothing that makes noise or lights. No lights.
Jim to Dali: We need something loud.
Dali: We could get him a set of drums.
Jim: I want something louder. Something that wails like a banshee.
Dali: Let me think about it.
Raphael to Curran: What should we get Conlan?
Curran: Nothing loud.
Raphael: will do.
Raphael to Andrea: He says nothing loud.
Raphael: I know, right? I feel his pain. It’s delicious.
Andrea: Seriously, though, what are we getting him? What kind of a gift do you get a human boy? What did you get when you were a toddler?
Raphael: A knife.
Raphael: It was cool. It had a leather handle and it smelled like leather and oil. I carried it everywhere. I’d sniff it and stab things.
Andrea: Have I told you you’re a sicko? 😉
Raphael: That’s why you married me.
Andrea: What did you stab with your knife?
Raphael: Everything. Trees. Couch cushions. I stabbed mom’s desk one time.
Andrea: I bet Aunt B just loved that.
Raphael: Yeah, she took the knife away for the whole day.
Andrea: You don’t even know how spoiled you are. If we try to give him a knife, Kate will blow a gasket. Also Conlan is one year old. He doesn’t need a knife.
Raphael: I don’t know. The way that kid is moving around and babbling, he’s more like two. Sometimes he gives me the creeps.
Andrea: He’s Roland’s grandson. What do you want?
Dali to Jim: I found it. It’s a truck.
Dali: The gift for Conlan. It’s a fire truck.
Jim: You want to get him a fire engine?
Dali: Not a real one. A toy fire engine. It’s about three feet tall and made of wood. It has a ladder and he can climb it. It runs on enchanted water and if you chant it up, it makes lights and the siren goes off.
Jim: Is it loud?
Dali: I can barely hear myself think.
Jim: Buy it.
Dali: It’s pricey.
Jim: I don’t care. BUY IT. Before someone else does.
Dali: We can put a big blue bow on it.
Jim: I love it.
Raphael to Andrea: What did you get for your birthday?
Andrea: A beating. Sometimes with extra helping of “why aren’t you dead yet?”
Raphael: … I’m an idiot.
Andrea: It’s okay.
Raphael: Andy, are you at home?
Raphael: Look in my underwear drawer.
Raphael: Just do it.
Andrea: Who knows what I might find in there? What am I looking for?
Raphael: You’ll know it when you see it.
Andrea: I hate you. I have a clan meeting in ten minutes and I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out.
Raphael: Do you like it?
Andrea: It’s beautiful.
Raphael: The sapphire is for you, the ruby is for me, and the diamond is for Baby B. We’re all together. I was saving it for our anniversary next week, but I think today is better.
Andrea: I’m still crying.
Raphael: I love you. You’re my favorite. I love you and Baby B more than anything, Andy.
Curran to Kate: Hey, baby.
Kate: I want to run away.
Curran to Kate: That good, huh.
Curran: What did he do?
Kate: He flushed an orange down the toilet.
Curran: … How? Oranges float.
Kate: He peeled it.
Curran: Are you serious?
Kate: Yep. Found him in the bathroom with the water pouring out of the toilet. He was sitting on the floor, splashing, and giggling.
Kate: I know you’re laughing. Do not laugh!
Curran: That’s terrible.
Kate: Why me? Why?
Curran: How the hell did he figure out that he needed to peel the orange?
Kate: I don’t know. He is special.
Curran: What is he doing now?
Kate: He found Derek and Julie’s present in the closet and opened it before I could get to him.
Curran: What did they get him?
Kate: A cowboy hat and a saddle.
Curran: I don’t want him anywhere near horses. He is a human kid. He could fall and break his neck. A horse could step on him.
Kate: It’s a very small saddle. Custom made.
Curran: For what?
Kate: For Grendel. It fits him perfectly.
Curran: Kate? What is our son doing exactly?
Kate: I had to shower him after his toilet water escapade. I toweled him off and started mopping. While I cleaned the bathroom, he found the present, put the saddle on Grendel, and now he is riding around the house.
Kate: No. He has a cowboy hat on.
Kate: When are you coming home?
Curran: Hold on, baby. I’ll be there in half an hour.
Kate: Bring food.
Kate: I’m going to take tomorrow off. Do you think something might attack the city?
Curran: Something always attacks the city.
Kate: Oh good. I need a me day.
Getting Distracted (aka The Kluddle)
Curran: Hey, how is the shopping going?
Kate: I found really good tomatoes.
Curran: Oh good. Out of curiosity, what kind of monster looks like a rabid wolf that stands on hind legs? About eight feet tall, with big scaly bat wings?
Kate: Bear claws? Red eyes? Glows blue?
Curran: Yes, that’s the one.
Kate: It’s a kludde out of Belgium. Cape Fear River has been making stagnant pools all over the place after the last storm. It probably spawned in one of those. Why?
Curran: No reason.
Kate: Curran, is there a kludde in our yard?
Curran: Seems that way. So what else did you get besides tomatoes?
Kate: Where is our son?
Curran: Talking to the kludde.
Kate: What is it saying?
Curran: Something about ripping out Conlan’s heart and eating it.
Kate: Okay, and what is Conlan saying?
Curran: He is asking it why that specific threat. Ripping the heart out requires breaking the ribs and according to our son, it’s “laborious” while ripping out the throat is faster, easier, and more efficient. He seems genuinely curious, and the kludde is stumped.
Kate: Why me?
Curran: I’m watching them from the wall. I can jump down there in half a second.
Kate: If you do, don’t rip its head off…
Curran: Too late. Conlan just did.
Kate: Okay, it’s going to split into seven copies of itself. Look for the one that’s slightly brighter than the other.
Curran: By brighter you mean?
Kate: More saturated.
Kate: What’s going on?
Curran: He made blood claws, ripped out all of their throats, and now he is lecturing the corpses.
Kate: I think we should limit his visits to his grandfather. His tendency to orate is clearly rubbing off on Conlan, and it’s too dangerous. Something could attack him, and he wouldn’t notice it until it’s too late.
Curran: He is nicely distracted by the sound of his own voice.
Kate: Are you going to jump down and show him the error of his ways?
Kate: Have fun. Take pics if you can.