Mission Nav-possible

Conifers rose like black candles in a demonic mass, the heady scent of pine intoxicating and thick. Only the soft whisper of falling snowflakes punctuated the silen…

“Are we there yet?”

…punctuated the silenc…

“For the LAST time, it’s the Grueling Field, then the Evening Forest, then the Glades of Remembrance!”

…punctuated the silence of the…

“I ran out of snacks. Mod R said there’d be skewers.”

“Mod R also has snowboarding privileges here. She didn’t say there’d be skewers for us.”

“But we’re the Devouring Horde. Surely, he’s expecting us to be peckish.”

“Chernobog, the Dark Serpent, Lord of Darkness and Death, Master of Destruction, Defender against Chaos, Ruler of Freezing Cold is not actually expecting us at all. And this bright idea to come to Nav and ask for his help is looking worse with each of Bird of Regret we come across.”

“Oh, he’ll love us. We’re fluffy! Plus, our plan to kidnap the God of Editing for book ransom is in his advantage too. If edits don’t finish, Sanctuary 2 won’t happen either.”

“WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE CHERNY, THE WONDERFUL CHERNY OF NAV!”

“Shhhhhhh! Steve, you’re going to get us so cursed!”

“Guys, what is that? It looks darker than the darkness and I wouldn’t really mention it, except it’s moving right at us.”

A giant form slithered through the snow-covered field, winding like an obsidian ribbon around the Horde. Massive draconian scales glittered in the cold light of Nav, and slitted golden eyes focused on Steve.

“I think it’s Aspid, Chernobog’s dragon. He kisses Roman when he misses Cherny in book 9. It always reminded me of Dino in the Flintstones, but that head alone is the size of a truck and I suddenly feel like yelling for Wilma.”

“Yeah, consider my pants PEED.”

Aspid: ::Sniff sniff sniff::

“Try Here, kitty, kitty, Steve! Maybe it works on Nav dragons?”

Aspid: ::AAAAACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU::

“Ewwww, dragon snot! Well, that leg’s gonna have to be cut off.”

“He wants whatever’s in your coat. Just give it to him, we’ll get snacks when we get home.”

“It’s not snacks. I brought the necessities for our kidnapping plan so Cherny can bless them. BEHOLD, OUR HEISTING FERRETS!”

“Omg, Steve. Put. Away. The. Ferrets. You’re the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles.”

“I would like to restate, for the record, that I don’t think this is how it works at all. I want the books as much as the next horde, but edits are needed, we just have to be patien…”

“Oh no, you did a swore!”

“They’re cutting words. We’re getting less pages. I don’t even know how you can joke like that and think it’s helping.”

“We all need to chill. I won’t go first, but it’s just something I’ve observed.”

“I’m just saying, we should rethink our life choices before we lose them. Chernobog isn’t going to go for this. Remember what Roman said: balance is the name of the game. Cherny keeps chaos at bay and he’s all about the order of things. We get born, devour and then die to feed the next crop. Edits are needed in the life cycle of a book.”

“IT’S THE CIIIIIRCLE, THE CIRCLE OF LIFEEEEEEEEE! Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
sithi uhm ingonyama and all that Zulu jazz.”

“Yeah, plus Steve got ferret dandruff all over his dragon. He wouldn’t be thrilled with us anyway.”

“So, what, we just give up? The path of safety is not the path of our people. The other hordes are going to laugh at us.”

“No one needs to know. Trip to Nav? What trip to Nav? Would we do such a thing?”

“We’ll amaze everyone with our chalant restraint, the books will come out in their own time, we’ll live to devour another day.”

“The authors won’t be pressured, the gods won’t be pissed…”

“And to think I wore my Just Another Day in Nav t-shirt and everything. Oh, ok, we’ll go back and just w*it. Not a word of this to anyone!”

As the sound of bickering dissolved into the frost of Nav, a ghost of a smile hovered at the corner of the enormous man’s moustache. A new skewer joined the others on the fire.

***

I can’t believe you guys went to Nav without me!

Hehehe. Thank you, Anika, for the email suggesting House Andrews should kill the edits dragon, which inspired this short. Good things come to those who w*it and Maggie is worth it, I promise!

Happy weekend, I’m off to have some skewers.