ILONA ANDREWS

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Mission Nav-possible

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Conifers rose like black candles in a demonic mass, the heady scent of pine intoxicating and thick. Only the soft whisper of falling snowflakes punctuated the silen…

“Are we there yet?”

…punctuated the silenc…

“For the LAST time, it’s the Grueling Field, then the Evening Forest, then the Glades of Remembrance!”

…punctuated the silence of the…

“I ran out of snacks. Mod R said there’d be skewers.”

“Mod R also has snowboarding privileges here. She didn’t say there’d be skewers for us.”

“But we’re the Devouring Horde. Surely, he’s expecting us to be peckish.”

“Chernobog, the Dark Serpent, Lord of Darkness and Death, Master of Destruction, Defender against Chaos, Ruler of Freezing Cold is not actually expecting us at all. And this bright idea to come to Nav and ask for his help is looking worse with each of Bird of Regret we come across.”

“Oh, he’ll love us. We’re fluffy! Plus, our plan to kidnap the God of Editing for book ransom is in his advantage too. If edits don’t finish, Sanctuary 2 won’t happen either.”

“WE’RE OFF TO SEE THE CHERNY, THE WONDERFUL CHERNY OF NAV!”

“Shhhhhhh! Steve, you’re going to get us so cursed!”

“Guys, what is that? It looks darker than the darkness and I wouldn’t really mention it, except it’s moving right at us.”

A giant form slithered through the snow-covered field, winding like an obsidian ribbon around the Horde. Massive draconian scales glittered in the cold light of Nav, and slitted golden eyes focused on Steve.

“I think it’s Aspid, Chernobog’s dragon. He kisses Roman when he misses Cherny in book 9. It always reminded me of Dino in the Flintstones, but that head alone is the size of a truck and I suddenly feel like yelling for Wilma.”

“Yeah, consider my pants PEED.”

Aspid: ::Sniff sniff sniff::

“Try Here, kitty, kitty, Steve! Maybe it works on Nav dragons?”

Aspid: ::AAAAACHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU::

“Ewwww, dragon snot! Well, that leg’s gonna have to be cut off.”

“He wants whatever’s in your coat. Just give it to him, we’ll get snacks when we get home.”

“It’s not snacks. I brought the necessities for our kidnapping plan so Cherny can bless them. BEHOLD, OUR HEISTING FERRETS!”

“Omg, Steve. Put. Away. The. Ferrets. You’re the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles.”

“I would like to restate, for the record, that I don’t think this is how it works at all. I want the books as much as the next horde, but edits are needed, we just have to be patien…”

“Oh no, you did a swore!”

“They’re cutting words. We’re getting less pages. I don’t even know how you can joke like that and think it’s helping.”

“We all need to chill. I won’t go first, but it’s just something I’ve observed.”

“I’m just saying, we should rethink our life choices before we lose them. Chernobog isn’t going to go for this. Remember what Roman said: balance is the name of the game. Cherny keeps chaos at bay and he’s all about the order of things. We get born, devour and then die to feed the next crop. Edits are needed in the life cycle of a book.”

“IT’S THE CIIIIIRCLE, THE CIRCLE OF LIFEEEEEEEEE! Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
sithi uhm ingonyama and all that Zulu jazz.”

“Yeah, plus Steve got ferret dandruff all over his dragon. He wouldn’t be thrilled with us anyway.”

“So, what, we just give up? The path of safety is not the path of our people. The other hordes are going to laugh at us.”

“No one needs to know. Trip to Nav? What trip to Nav? Would we do such a thing?”

“We’ll amaze everyone with our chalant restraint, the books will come out in their own time, we’ll live to devour another day.”

“The authors won’t be pressured, the gods won’t be pissed…”

“And to think I wore my Just Another Day in Nav t-shirt and everything. Oh, ok, we’ll go back and just w*it. Not a word of this to anyone!”

As the sound of bickering dissolved into the frost of Nav, a ghost of a smile hovered at the corner of the enormous man’s moustache. A new skewer joined the others on the fire.

***

I can’t believe you guys went to Nav without me!

Hehehe. Thank you, Anika, for the email suggesting House Andrews should kill the edits dragon, which inspired this short. Good things come to those who w*it and Maggie is worth it, I promise!

Happy weekend, I’m off to have some skewers.

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Comments

  2. Awesomesauce! As a member of the hoard (with a custom mug to prove it! Yay me!), I think the trip to Nav seems like a good idea and we shouldn’t turn back!

  4. I wanna to come too, wa*t for me . . . Darn it.

    Well while I wa* patiently (not), I am listening to all of the GA releases in order while I crochet Christmas Gingerbread gnome homes. Just finished Sweep of the Heart again and will restart Kate. They get better each time I hear them.

  5. “We all need to chill. I won’t go first, but it’s just something I’ve observed.”

    I laughed out loud until I cried. literally. If only I were so witty to use this in context.

    • Yes to the laughing! Fortunately, I had put my coffee down — I’ve learned from experience to sip AND swallow before reading — so no spit-takes.

      The chill line should count as (one of) our (many) motto(s).

      I also lost it at the HEISTING FERRETS!

      And yes, we’re TOTALLY going to be peckish. Any adventures — ill-advised or otherwise — need snacks.

      ModR knows her people.

      • OMG! I chuckled all through the post but then started snickering and finally laughing like a loon through the comments! There were indeed some truly wonderful one liners worthy of remembrance in this post and the hoard’s response does not dissappoint!

    • I coach people to ride their horses better. We have a couple of horses who are bravely learning to trust their humans & act a bit less anxious a little bit at a time….I have actually SEEN them do this during a lesson…& either the mustang or The Mare lead them on🤣. THANKS FOR THIS MOD R!! Skewers & snowboarding very well deserved

      • This killed me! About to visit my brother-I’m SO finding a chance to use this with him. Much funnier than my usually mental image of smacking him upside the head.

        And the ferrets! And lucky Mod R who spends the weekend snowboarding and eating skewers in Nav.

        To b fair, the horde IS rather distractable. Probably the only thing that allows us to w*it. Also, when HA said they’ll b posting around the holidays, do they mean holiday like Thanksgiving? Which is a whole month before Christmas/Channukah…(ever hopeful cute cat eyes)

        Ha! I bet there’s no global warming issues in Nav!

    • Feeling bad for any BDH members named Steve right now.

      “No, no.” *waves hands* “It was the other Steve.”

  9. OMG! This is so us!
    Thank you for the virtual trip to Nav – I really don’t think we’d do well there 🙂
    Appease your gods as you must. Offerings and whatnot. The BDH will practice our chalant restraint and wa*t.

  11. Fantastic! Isat grinning at my phone, hubby keeps giving me strange looks lol!

    What a great start to the weekend 😃 I can… w*it patiently 😉

    Thanks ModR

  13. Thank you.

    It’s lucky that they didn’t bring Beast. I don’t think she and Aspid would get along. Although Olasard, being a cat, has probably been all through Nav. Multiple times.

  16. Not that I would ever troop off with a Horde into Nav, but I’ll bet Aspid would like me best. I would give hum scritches behind the ears and feed him delicious cookies.

    Do dragons give rides to people? Asking for a friend…

  18. Nice to see the horde working together, collaborating and reaching a sensible consensus. If we can be good and fluffy that’s a good sign for the world. 😎

  19. Dragon snot isn’t the worst stuff I’ve had to clean. I”ve had two nieces and nephew and now, a 3yo and a couple of weeks old great-nephews. Baby diapers, especially very baby, is nothing to sneeze at (heh heh heh)

    I’m willing to try again … but there must be skittles, at least.

    (Good Luck end Happy Thoughts about the editing!)

  23. “The other hordes are going to laugh at us.”
    Consider my pants peed, indeed.
    Awesome Friday gift.

  24. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 to this whole post.

    Steve, Steve, Steve why do you do this to the Horde? 🤦‍♀️ Didn’t he know not to bring the ferrets with him?! Cornelius is wondering where they’re at right now.

    Aspid my friend! How is it going? Roman says hello, and will visit next time. 🐉🐉🐉

    Well, I’m off to sit by that lovely fire, have something to eat, and contemplate some things. 🤔🧐😊

  27. That’s it.
    That. Is. It.

    I’m taking Steve’s ferrets. Dandruff? Dandruff. Harrumph.

    I will give them chicken, yes I will! And they are the best ferrets ever yes they are! Steve can have stuffed animals for pets from here on out, yes he can!

  29. Mod R looking out for us as always.

    Have a good weekend Mod R and chalant hoard!

    (Honestly Steve what were you thinking?)

  31. 😂😂😂😂😂
    Oh boy. Glad the reps are okay… 🫣
    But oh – dragon 🥹
    Good luck to the editing world

  32. ‘You’re the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles’ cackles. We are soooo chalant🤣

      • The scream we’re hearing is from Steve. He got the shampoo in his eyes. He didn’t read the directions. 🤦‍♀️🫣🤣🤣🤣🤣

        I think Chernobog is shaking his head at Steve. 🤔😉

  36. Ferrets in Nav. The crossover I never knew I needed (but my HA! woke up my sleeping child, rats!)

  40. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I read. but I can’t read something new. otherwise I’ll be up all night. I have to read something that I can dream about. This month I’ve been going back and forth between Roman and Innkeeper. so glad to hear Roman is on the schedule again
    .. also Hugh… and more Kate… basically whatever you write is good with me, I’m really looking forward to Maggie too.

  42. Mod R, that was fantastic! 🤣 Poor Steve – he gets no love…
    As it’s been noted before, you are a very talented writer!

  45. I like being good and fluffy; also our ability to work and plan together amazed me. Any mistakes are Steve’s fault. Unfortunately, we are stilled spoiled. Thanks for the fun Friday post.

  46. Took a break from knitting just to see what was on post for today..definitely not disappointing and my BDH heart was so jealous of the trip without me. I grinned like a loon esp since I just finished relistening to all of Hidden Legacy this past week. I miss the Baylors bunch so much!! Happy editing House Andrews!!!

  50. I hope there are no ripper cushions for this lovely fantasy outing. What happens in Na, stays in Nav.

  52. oh no, you mentioned the ferrets… now the horde will be demanding Arabella’s trilogy or a short about Cornelius.

  53. “We all need to chill. I won’t go first, but it’s just something I’ve observed.”

    New favorite quote. thank you!

  55. “We’re off to see the Cherny…” just about slayed me 😂 Thank you for the laughs this morning!

    Also I’ve become a real fan of Steve, bless his ferrets 😂

  58. That was awesome! Is a trip to Nav on par with a trip to the airport during a severe weather warning on my “sun” weekend away?!

    • Hence the “We all need to chill…” comment. It will get a lot of use for the next few weeks, I suspect.

  61. This was a nice and funny snippet to read when I woke up at 3 am this morning for some ungodly reason. I must’ve been dreaming about Chernobog. Of course, now my mind is racing and I’ve given up on sleep.

  62. Oh my. Where do I sign up for the Nav tour? I’ll pack my new protection sigil knitting project and my snow shoes. Thanks for the advice about the snacks- might have hit Costco on the way to the trailhead. Would a fire extinguisher be out of line for the dragon?

    • Umm…Extinguishers have instructions – we need a Prepared Hero blanket for Aspid (it’s reusable and everything!)

  67. I bow to Mod R’s epic wit! And leave Nav with the rest of the Horde, cursing Steve for bringing the Ferrets and getting their dandruff on Cherny’s dragon. What a moroon. Way to ruin the trip for the rest of us 🤨

    Thxs for this lovely bit of wit, Mod R!!! 🥰😍🤩

  69. I just woke up to let the cat out and read this. Will be falling back asleep in a very good mood. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

    • Will be reading this out loud to someone else once I wake up again.😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  71. I just re-re-re-read Blood Heir , and woke up with a question. If I had a serving dish, a beautiful platter, passed down from great-greats, always used for special occasions, from births to birthdays to holidays and even wakes, would it acquire power? Or at least glow? Every time it is taken out of the cabinet, people ooh and aah and appreciate it, it is handled with love and awe, washed and dried by hand,with a special place for it to be stored. Even passing it down is imbued with ceremony, implying that this generation has now achieved adulthood, ready for the responsibility of maintains rituals.

  73. 😂 You made my morning! Dragon snot, heisting ferrets….Edit is a four letter word! “Oh no, you did a swore!” Thank you!

  74. Hilarious! At least you have the energy to smile. This was a grand way to start my Saturday. And I’m glad that Chalant is coming back into vogue. In another 10 years we’ll be able to use it without Spellcheck trying to turn it into “chant”. Why hasn’t AI progressed far enough to improve spellcheck?

  75. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 My husband wants to know what I am laughing about. He is not a reader and there is just too much to explain! Thanks Mod R for a delightful start to my morning. And to the BDH, I laughed at your comments too.

  76. Thank you so much for the much needed laughs this morning! Can’t take Steve anywhere, can we… 🙂

  80. Made me snort laugh!! Almost lost my coffee! This was so funny and it just shows again why I don’t write. I have no frigging imagination. But I can enjoy the funniness and imagination of others! And love that ModR gets snow boarding privileges in Nav…with skewers when she gets peckish! Thank you!

  82. Oh my! Thank you for the chuckle and the escape. I needed one, or 200. I have been in disaster zone hell for the last 3 weeks, 1st in Western NC then when I could make it back home (Tampa Bay area) my house had been flooded. So the the next week, hurricane Milton makes almost a direct hit. At this point Nav looks like a pretty good evacuation point. Peaceful. 🙂 May I borrow Aspid for skeevy contractors driving around the debris piles offering unscrupulous bargains? It’s for the balance!

    • Best wishes to you. Predatory disaster contractors may not be the absolute worst, but they’re up there. Andrea and Raphael might be the best ones to address them.

  84. Now I want a shirt that says “You’re the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles”

    Thanks for brightening my day.

  85. I think you have just added to BDH canon: we shall forevermore use w*it when typing this bad word! lol

    Mod R, BDH loves you!

  89. I’d be a part of the Horde asking about the snacks …aaaaand bursting into random quasi related songs.

    XD

  90. I missed this yesterday (too busy running errand and stuff so I never logged on.) Imagine my delight when I read this today!

    Mod R, you will never know how much we appreciate you, your wonderful sense of humor, and your immense talent for writing! Thank you so much!!!

    Also, did anyone else know we were being recorded on our trip to Nav? I wonder who did that…..Steve???!!!!!!!!!

  93. This made my day; it was a tough week. Love Mod R, and the comments from the horde!! Steve…… recording the trip. hahaha

    What an awesome community! I love you guys!!

  94. “You’re the reason they put directions on shampoo bottles.”

    Awesome. Thank you. May I have a skewer?

  95. I’d like to share my two zen mantras that help me through difficult periods requiring w*iting and p*tience. Have any of you ever read something that in the blurb sounded absolutely amazing, and like 1/3 of the way through you wished they would have hired an editor before hitting self-publish? (Yes, I know it’s not exactly that easy, but I hope you catch my drift). I have, and it sucked; zero stars, would not recommend. Thus mantra one: editing can be what takes a good book and makes it a great one.
    I once read a book, which shall remain nameless, that, high upon the success of the previous three, the author opted for a John Steinbeck, long-form-style, pages upon pages of description thing. Unfortunately, the author was not Steinbeck and the material in question was not The Great Depression, and thus it did not hold up. I didn’t even finish it to find out who won the love triangle, it was that painfully drawn-out. Enter mantra two: more pages does not necessarily equal a better story.
    May these bring you the comfort and ease in these trying times that they bring to me 😉

  96. there was another snippet with Steve in it, right? something about a phone call? that one was hilarious too.

  97. (ooooo I just spotted the Innkeeper webtoon on Tapas in the Halloween sale! Sale lasts until midnight of the 31st 😊)

  99. While we’re having fun . . . Could we have a post next week where we speculate how various House Andrews characters (and Steve) would celebrate Halloween? Who dresses up as what . . . Who gives out the best candy . . . Who keeps the house dark and pretends not to be at home?

  100. I loved this so much! I haven’t laughed like this since my last view of King Buddy on Instagram.

  101. Would House Andrews ever consider doing a re-release of hardcovers of the original 10 Kate Daniels and the Innkeepers Chronicles?

  107. They’re cutting WORDS! We’re getting LESS pages!
    Whare is that damn editing dragon? I had a pike around somhere

  109. This was hilarious!

    thank you, Mod R, for the execution, and Anika for the idea – ’cause our silence is soooo bickering ::snort::

  110. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I’m am CRYING from laughter! And you could almost consider my pants peed. It’s really close!

    So, so good! And yes, I *DID* sing along…

  113. I love this… One of the great things about House Andrews is that you get entertainment while (im)patiently waiting for the next book. LOL

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