ILONA ANDREWS

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Return of the Lawn Orphans

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If you don’t know who the lawn orphans are, stop and read All Knowing God.

A couple of weeks ago we realized that a feral cat had kittens under Kid 2’s shed. For a while we have been getting daily updates about it. We were on vacation at the time. Unfortunately, mama cat moved the kittens one night before PAWS could get there because all of the neighborhood cats would gather by the shed and stare. But at the time of this story, the kittens were still under the shed.

Me on the phone: How did it go with PAWS?

Kid 2: I called. They said that they will put me on the list. It’s a long list. The shelter is full as well. They said they would pass it down to some rescues, but everyone is full. I am just feeding them, because mama cat won’t even let me near. Oh, you’ll like this. Someone knocks on my door. I open it and it’s the lawn orphans manager with his crew. He has his tablet and his phone and he is like, “You know what time it is.”

Me: Hahaha. ‘You know what time it is?” That’s what that kid opened with?

Kid 2: Yep. And I told him that they can’t mow my lawn because they might scare the kittens. And he said, “For $20 we can crawl under the shed and get the kittens out for you.” And he looks at the smallest kid and the smallest kid is like, “No problem.” Because that’s what I need, Mom. I need that shed to collapse on top of a twelve year old and crush him to death.

Me: Did you tell them no?

Kid 2: Of course I told them no. I don’t want some poor kid’s death on my conscious.

Next Day

Gordon, looking at his email: What the hell?

Me: What is it?

Gordon: The HOA sent us a courtesy notice that Kid 2’s lawn needs to be mowed.

Me: Ugh.

Me, calling to Kid 2: Hey so, we got the fussy note from HOA about the lawn.

Kid 2: How? How did they even know?

Me: The HOA uses a service that sends a car through the neighborhood every week and tags people whose lawn is too long or who have their trashcans out. Look, you and D. will have to go to Lowe’s and buy a mower and knock that lawn out.

Kid2: Okay.

Next Day

Kid 2 on the phone: The lawn is done.

Me: What did you buy?

Kid 2: Nothing. About thirty minutes after you called the door bell rang and it was the lawn orphans manager again.

Me: You’re kidding.

Kid 2: Nope. And he said, “Are you ready to have your lawn mowed now?”

Me: OMG.

Kid 2: They must have a hook up at the HOA. I know what this is. This is Lawn Orphan Mafia, mom.

Me: Wow.

Kid 2: I talked to my neighbor about it, and he told me that he tried to hire other lawn companies to come out and none of them would show up. And the one that did found tacks in their tires. When those kids said that they mow “all the lawns around here,” they meant it.

Me: What did you do?

Kid 2: I paid them! I watch Peaky Blinders. I know what’s good for me. I gave them that dirty protection money and now my lawn is mowed.

And that is the story of the Lawn Orphan Mafia.

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Comments

    • $10 says the lawn orphan’s manager is the son of the HOA president.

      That kid will kill it in his first finance course. Or maybe they’ll just ask him to teach finance in high school.

      I wonder if he has an account in the Caymans? And if his sister is in the Girl Scouts, then I have an idea of how he’s laundering the money. ????

  2. Seriously, the lawn orphans HAVE to make an appearance in a book. This is just way too good.

    In other Monday news, hopefully someone else from the BDH has already shared this news with Ilona, but Viennetta is back in the US. I happened across it on the shelf in my local (Lawton, OK) grocery yesterday and looked it up. It is marketed by Good Humor rather than Breyers this time around, so who knows how it tastes compared to the 90’s version, but it looks like it is available at most Kroger’s in south Texas:

    https://www.goodhumor.com/us/en/products/cakes/vanilla-viennetta-frozen-dairy-dessert-cake.html

  3. We once found kittens under a shed. We brought them food and named them, but then they disappeared on us too. We couldn’t get close enough to catch them and take them to a shelter. Never saw the mom.

  6. This is hilarious and also slightly concerning. The lawn orphan mafia. You guys kill me. I’m dead.

  8. I think I love the Lawn Orphans. They should get a spot in a book. I can just picture Nevada and Catalina having that exact conversation about the Lawn Orphan Mafia.

    • The Baylor’s new House/Compound would have a very large lawn, wouldn’t it?
      Unless the get som Construct lawn mower, someone has to mow it.

      Can’t wait to read what House Andrews makes of this.

      • My first thought was Dina, but I’m not sure the Inn’s lawn ever even needs mowing.

        And I’m a little worried what Gertrude Hunt would do with kids like that anyway ????????????

    • ???????????? I think Arabella and Leon will have a field day with them. Or they might join them. ????

  9. Lawn orphan mafia ???????????????? crying! Thank you for such a laugh on a bleary Monday in the UK.

  10. I don’t think that we have HOA things here that are like that. Everything I ever hear about them tells me to avoid them if possible

    • They sound like something I would avoid but on the other hand if I lived in the US and found a good house I wanted except for it being in one of those annoying sounding HOA thingies I would probably go “well they will probably only be slightly annoying so whatever.”

    • Home Owner Associations vary wildly. Some are little more than covenants that say “you can’t raise chickens on your apartment patio”. In the middle are HOAs that take care of outdoor maintenance and a community pool, with some rules about not painting your house fuchsia with chartreuse spots. At the far end are the super-restrictive and obnoxious groups, which is where most of the horror stories come from.

      At their heart, HOAs are designed to maintain the value of the community. That’s an idea that most people can get behind. The implementation of that idea is where things get dicey or contentious.

      When looking to buy or rent, it’s a good idea to determine if there’s an HOA and where on the spectrum it lies!

      • In France, for an individual house, this is the Town halls who decides whether you have the right to paint your house in fuchsia or not… it’s where you have to adress your urbanism demands.
        But when your house is part of a condominium, you add more restrictions , like whether you can install a velux, or a window, their color, this sort of thing. This is a lot more restrictive. My dream is to have my own little house one day, lost in the middle of nowhere…
        But no matter where you live, I don’t think anyone would ask you to mow your lawn in my country… Well, this is a lie, one could ask… I just don’t think the answer would be the mowing…

  12. That’s a good name for them. ????????????????

    I can see them either in a Hidden Legacy book or in an Innkeeper book.

    Lawn extortion…who knew?

  13. Kid 2 should ask for receipts and put a “Proud Member of IRS (or Proud Relative of IRS Hero) stickers on the car and house.

  16. I miss my lawn orphans. (My kids were a bunch of cousins, who cared for my lawn when I was resident at the Zen center.) Not that I actually have a lawn to speak of right now – there’s a little patch I’m covering with clover, but that’s it.

    Our local shelters will lend you humane traps for cats – might be an option?

    I’m still on break from fostering any more kittens. (Though I’m at the point now where I’ll take some in if there’s a desperate need with either rescue I’ve worked with.) The last set was three orphan kittens who had been adopted by a young mom cat, and the mom cat was so very loving and sweet that we decided to keep her after the kittens were placed. I’ve been letting the coven get used to each other and work out their politics before complicating it all with new fosters.

    • What a beautiful cat! Thank you for fostering kittens. You are a kind and lovely person.

      I love the way you described your “coven” and letting them work out their “politics”. Very clever!

      • Well, if you look at my other two cats, you can see how the coven designation evolved organically!

        It’s only been with the pandemic that I felt I was home consistently enough to foster. It’s a lot of work, but it’s also so fun. (It certainly doesn’t hurt that I’m getting pics of previous fosters from their new people.) And Keanu and Cricket, my two black kitties, are pretty laid back about new cats. Though Cricket will bat them around until they learn manners if they don’t behave.

        • Oh, I love it! I have a weakness for black cats! And yours are lovely! I like the fact that they tolerate the fosters, and will teach them some manners.

          I am staff to three cats: A petite siamese cross (who is boss cat), a large and intellectually-challenged long-haired tabby who eats plastic, and a tuxedo who rules the upstairs with an iron paw (the other two cats reluctantly share the downstairs).

          This blog is great, not just for HA content, but also for the stories from the BDH. I especially love the stories about other people’s pets.

          Thank you, Tylikat, for the conversation and stories about your cats.

          • We’ve been lucky. My nearest neighbor has a elderly but hale orange gentleman cat who loves other kitties, and comes to hang out with mine. He taught my manners, and the value of feline community. Ember kitty, our new addition, clearly came from a more rough and tumble background, and it took a while for everyone to figure out how to communicate.

            Sounds like a great crew! When I was married we used to say that our pixiebob matriarch ruled with an iron paw.

  17. I love it! Though I feel like I might need a nap. It is funny but I don’t know if I should be laughing that hard.

  19. I am having fits with the HOA of my late parents’ condo right now, so I sympathize with Kid2.

  21. The lawn orphans are in cahoots with which ever parent is connected to the HOA. Too funny ???? they really are a little mafia racket

    • That’s also somehwat scary that no other lawn companies will even work there. Can’t prove a bunch of kids ruined your equipment cause who would believe that

  22. OMG. I don’t know what else to say except OMG.

    BTW, this is one of the many reasons I hate HOAs.

  23. My French husband read this post and then said to me, “we are NEVER moving to a place with a HOA, ever!” 😀 If these kids are already running a cartel and have corrupt ties with the local government, I shudder to think what they will do in adulthood…

  24. Oh my gosh! That is hilarious, I also watch pesky blinders and kid 2 made the right decision. Lawn orphan mafia, lol, as a member of the bdh I suggest that we need this on t-shirts.

  26. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! OMG, the lawn orphans strike again! I love the Lawn Orphan Mafia! Sorry, I’m choosing to ignore the extortion 😀

    • +1 – I love these kids. Kid 2 still has the option of buying a lawn mower & mowing her own lawn. This is too funny and great stuff for inclusion in a book

  29. Lawn Orphan Mafia. I need that on a T-shirt lol! Only the BDH would know! I love the way you tell select details of your life in a way that that is real but oh so much more entertaining because -go figure- you can write!

  31. I am legit in tears ????

    Please please please put the lawn orphan mafia in a book. They could work in Innkeeper, Kate Daniels’ world, or Hidden Legacy. PLEASE!!!

    I would pay a lot of money to see the lawn orphan mafia vs Arabella

  36. Sometimes when rescue organizations are overburdened (like it would be during kitten season after Covid), communications really fall through the cracks. Usually most areas have a bunch of different rescues, some that one has never heard of (I just found 2 new ones in the last year that I started volunteering for).

    In any case, there’s usually a ton of experienced trappers out there that can come out asap if they find out about it. Most rescues have Facebook pages and in my experience I see Facebook has worked well to spread the word out to rescues/volunteers who are ‘friends’ with each other to get someone out there to trap both mama and kittens and get them spayed, at least, and if possible into temporary foster homes.

  37. [Hangs shaking head in disbelief, disgust, sadness, and thinking “Damn, why couldn’t I have been I more ingenious and blood thirsty when I was a kid?”.]OMGawd!!!!!!

  38. If the lawn orphan mafia starts singing and dancing I totally want pictures. Then I want them to show up in a Blood Heir sequel.

  45. Oh wow…not sure which to do laugh or be horrified. Lawn orphan Mafia…how they have grown….going with laughing causing I don’t have to deal with them, or HOA. I wish you, all good luck, kittens, mafia and all, thanks for the laugh

  49. Not thrilled about the tacks, but otherwise I have to admire those kids. And I confess to laughing hysterically.

    Now I have to go mow. We have no lawn orphans here, something of a mixed blessing.

  50. I needed that laugh today in the worst way. Thank you!

    And it’s a good idea to keep a weather eye on those boys, they do grow up eventually.

  51. I love your stories.
    LAwn orphans, scorpians, strays, etc.
    I love all of your stories, thank you so much for sharing them.

  52. when I read “PAWS”, I smiled. That’s also the name of where my two foster-fails come from (Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society)

  54. HOA?
    Euphemism for Busy Bodies R US.
    It’s nice, though, that groups can find work for people who have nothing to fill their lives with.
    We know they aren’t readers ’cause if they read Ilona Andrews that would fill up their time and they would stop making trouble.

    Although…my lawn mower broke a few weeks ago. I would have happily paid the mafia to do it. Then play with the Kittens while they worked. Win win.

    • > Although…my lawn mower broke a few weeks ago. I would have happily paid the mafia to do it. Then play with the Kittens while they worked. Win win.

      Fantastic idea!

  55. That’s Golden. I’m dying Lmao. Our rural lawn kids need a lesson from Lawn Orphan Mafia.

  56. I AM CRYING!! Oh my God!! This went so wrong so fast!! Not the Lawn Orphan Mafia!!
    House Andrews and its scions are hilarious!! I think this laugh/cry will get me through the rest of this dag on week!!

  57. I’m just picturing the Boy Scout gang who went around selling Christmas trees in the “Christmas with the Kranks” movie and laughing my ass off right now. HAHAHAHA.

  58. HOAs are the mafia aspect, but it sounds like the LOA has become a subsidiary of the HOA’s lawn inspection division!

    I had the same thing happen early in my husband’s Army career when we lived in quarters on post. We hadn’t lived there very long. My husband was deployed, and our toddler son was hospitalized. I came home long enough to shower and pack some essentials to stay with him, when the doorbell rang. It was a soldier, and I had an initial adrenaline spike that I was being notified about something happening to my husband. He said it was his job to monitor the subdivision yards to keep them to the required standard , and our yard was in need of work, so this was our one warning (if we didn’t maintain the standard, Housing would boot us out!). I lost it -telling that soldier he could write up what he wanted, but I was going to be at the hospital with our critically ill child while my husband was gone. A couple days later, after our son was released, I was outside in the 100 degree heat (it was GA in summer) pushing our old lawnmower and using the edger, as there was a brightly colored warning stuck to our front door when I got home. I really wish there had been a lawn mowing mafia there. We had that written warning on our record with Housing the whole time we lived at that duty station, and it would have only taken one more to lose our housing and/or mess up my husband’s career.

    • Well what that soldier should have done is apologized to you and gotten some guys together (or knocked on your neighbors doors) to help mow your lawn while you were otherwise busy with a kid in the hospital. How can people live with themselves when they do stuff like this and don’t try to help?!

      • Several decades ago I had the extra duty of being in charge of 8 apartment buildings with 36 families in each apartment. The senior service member in each apartment building was responsible for the outside maintenance, stairwell maintenance and laundry and storage room maintenance. Generally a stairwell group maintained the common areas for a week at a time.

        I would spend a large part of my weekends settling problems. Because most of the soldiers were in combat units, they spent a lot of time on maneuvers. Most of the, I had no married females with families living in those quarters, wives did the work. There were always some wives who said, since they were not in the military, they wouldn’t do the work. That started fights between some women.

        A frequent problem was when a family transferred, they would tell the movers a washing machine and or dryer was theirs; it wasn’t. They were stealing a newer or larger one. I was the one who was notified and had to file charges.

        I was never so glad to get a transfer. I will not live in an apartment or in a community that has an HOA because of that experience.

      • I agree with you completely! When I was in the Air Force and living in base housing with my newborn son, my husband (also in the Air Force) was given an “early out” as they called it and went ahead to get things settled where we were moving to as soon as I got out. I was trying to move, get discharged from the Air Force and take care of a baby and my neighbor came over without me asking and mowed our lawn so I didn’t have to worry about it. The neighbors in our base housing looked after each other.

  59. Ha ha ha. Thank you, Ilona Andrews for the post.

    Be grateful for the lawn mowing mafia even though they have questionable business practices. Gordon might want to install discrete IR cameras. Here game cameras don’t require me to post camera on premises signage. Security cameras do per legal beagles.
    As far as crawling under shed for kittens, as long as the lawn mowing mafia signs a legal hold harmless document, kid 2 should go for it. That way if they have to go for rabies and/ or tetanus shots or sutures or antivenom for arachnids/ snake…. or the shed falls on head …. Once the kittens reach 6 weeks of age they will be crawling out and wandering neighborhood. Kid2 does not need that kind of attention from HOA either.

    • No one here wants children to get hurt, it’s more than legal responsibility for it ????.

    • Minors can’t be held libel for such a contract. In the USA Child Labor Laws are enforced because of potential injuries and unscrupulous bosses.

  63. I freaking adore this post. The lawn orphan mafia. Those kids are gonna bear watching as they grow up.

    So funny. I just wanted to say, I’ve been in similar situation to the one with the chihuahua before. Except with a cat. Who ended up being over 20 miles from home. The people who owned her had all kinds of excuses and I still worry about her.

    You guys always do what’s right. I love that about you guys. Sure I love your books, but it’s you guys, personally, that make you my favorite authors, not just your books. Because of your generosity of spirit, that you’ve passed to your kids. Thank you. Your kids are a force for good in this world. And so are you.

  64. I’m dying.
    Thanks for the enormous laugh.
    Looks like I can add one more reason why HOA’s are evil.

  66. 0_o
    It would make me feel better to learn that the “manager” is actually 200 years old and trapped in a child’s body.

  67. Wow….now I am glad I still mow my lawn…which I just finished before rain & TD Ida….

  69. I wonder what do lawn orphan mafia do for Halloween for maximizing candy profit ????

  70. This is the best thing I’ve read all day! Lawn orphan mafia. Of course. Why not. Just another crazy thing in this world.

  73. “I gave them that dirty protection money and now my lawn is mowed.” <— dead ????????????????????

  75. Sorry, the lawn orphans manager reminded me of these lines: I have a group of friends. We are a very capable group.”

  78. Hahaha and I was laughing before I started to read. I remembered.
    Thank you and I need to mow my lawn

  79. Just the kind of feel good, organized crime story I needed today. Thanks for this, it was a balm for a bad one.

  80. Omg I have tears running down my face right now and I’m laughing harder than I have in ages. Thank you and bless you for birthing and raising such hilarious kids. We need more of that in this world.

  81. In our old town, there were no HOAs. However, there were town busybodies who would drive around daily and report “infractions” to the Code Officer. Once my husband and son came home after midnight from a canoe trip, took the canoe off the truck, and set it tidily on the lawn to drain. I had the Code Enforcement Officer at my door at 10am the next morning because the “neighbors were complaining about the nuisance.” Empty block across the street, empty house to the left, and housebound widow to the right.

    • Oh my gosh, this reminds me if an article I saw last week about a family who just moved into their house, had their garbage bins by the side of their house when someone put a letter saying that they needed to put them behind their house because the neighborhood looked untidy. The letter was posted on Facebook. People who saw the post said the letter reminded them of Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances. I laughed after I saw the article. ????????????

  82. Oh my goodness that’s crazy!

    I’m completely hammered tonight (thank God for auto complete) because today is my last conference day at my work where I’ve been for the last 20 years. And let me telling you that it’s a BIG deal even in France! But it’s for an excellent news because Im changing jobs. But I still feel flustered and flabbergasted to have spent over 20 years in one company. I will leave at the end of September but still this is a biggg milestone. And reading this post makes it even more unreal, now I need to read about the lawn orphans… ???????????? Thank you o much for your generosity in posting.
    ????????????????

    Laurence

  83. ????????????I’m having side stitches from laughing ????Idk if we’re seeing the future Godfather of Lawn Mowers Mafia????????????

  84. Oh dear. Once you start paying you can never stop; it’s astonishingly easy to hide slippery marbles and painful Legos in the grass, capisce?

  86. Ohhhh my! I had a lawn delinquent next door. He mowed my lawn for “free” once to prove to me how good he was. Then I of course hired him. My husband was ticked off because he has “standards” for lawn care. So he watched the kid work and went out and tipped him and told him he needed to charge more.

  90. Is it bad that I find that hilarious. I’m kind of picturing dodger and his gang from Oliver Twist

  92. Not to play too much devil’s advocate, but if the kids have been mowing that complex for a while, then they probably already know the inspection cycle and mow just before it happens, hence the “you know what time it is.” I know it’s not as amusing a notion as the organized syndicate plot.

  93. I’m all for kids learning to work for their spending money, get that work ethic started early! Sounds like they’ve already got that “networking “thing worked out; It’s all about the right contacts.

    I pretty much have an intense dislike for my HOA. They’re always bitching about my plants, not enough sun on my patio to grow stuff so I put them in the front for full sun. There are a whole lot more important issues than plants around here. I told the manager I am moving next year so she can feel free to chair dance in delight.

  94. “Do you want your lawn mowed *now*?” LOL!
    This was one of the posts I read to my husband, he’s enjoying the lawn orphans stories too.

  95. Why am I hearing “Free Frosty, Free Frosty!” in the back of my mind? This kid must be related t Vic Fromeyer.

  96. Bwahahahaha! Ha ha ha!!!! *Wipes tears* Ah hahahahaha!!! *Holds stomach* … … … Bwah ha ha ha HA HA HA!!!!

    Sigh. Kinda wish I had a Lawn Orphan Mafia.

    Thanks for that!

  100. I don’t think they are orphans. Their parents probably work for the HOA. It’s a family maffia.

  103. Have this image of this kid asking his mom if he can use her computer for a few minutes then sending an email. “Mr and Mrs Andrews it has come to our attention that the lawn on your property…”

  104. As a long standing member of the driveway orphan mafia, I can confirm that your daughter made the right decision.

    My job was a lot simpler though. We just had to wait until it snowed and then go knocking on doors of houses with the longest driveways. Or shortest, depending on our mood.

    And then it would snow again the next day …

  105. DWL!!! Peaky Blinders!! Lawn Orphan Mafia!! Thank you soooo much!! I needed this today!!

    I love you guys!!!

  106. So the Lawn Orphans seem like tamer versions of the Warren Kids from KD. Kid 2 made smart decision.

  107. heheheheheheheh! I love it! Love hearing about the DLOs the first time; now the saga continues! Can’t wait to hear more. Hope mama cat and kits are okay. thanks for sharing!!! You can’t make this stuff up!

  108. Please, please incorporate some type of lawn orphan mafia into InnKeeper or the Baylor world. In Innkeeper they could be the human disguises of an immigrant alien species or something. I need this in my life. ????

  109. OMG! I’m dying! I did not expect the story to end that way!
    Lawn orphan mafia!
    You need to put them into one of your books!

  110. OMG. I’m dying, can’t breath, send help. Laughing to hard at the lawn orphan mafia.

    I still want lawn orphans though. My lawn needs mowed, but I don’t want to do it.

    But for those needing a second hilarious story. My parents moved a few years ago to a neighborhood with an HOA. Dad became fast friends with his neighbors, all of whom seem to be named Bill for some reason (seriously). They’re also all retired men who maintain their grass within an inch of its life. I swear my dad mows the grass twice a day (I keep telling him, if he’s that bored, I know another lawn that would love to be mowed).

    Last summer, Dad’s favorite Bill received a formal letter of complaint from the HOA Lawn Enforcement Committee, complete with photographic evidence documenting the fact that his lawn had exceeded the required length by 1/8″. Dire consequences were hinted at if the oversight was not immediately corrected, and Bill could rest assured that the HOALEC would be conducting regular surveys of his lawn to ensure that he complied. Signed, [My Dad], Lawn Enforcement Committee Chairperson.

    Bill promptly stalked over to my parents’ house to mock-demand what was going on. He read the letter to my dad, who spotted the signature and immediately recognized my brother’s handwriting.

    We got Dad and Bill matching “HOALEC” T-shirts for Christmas.

    • OMG, that is so good!

      Except in my community, we probably have a committee for that for real. We have a committee that has to review it before you can cut a tree down.

  111. Thank you so much for this! I have tears in my eyes. That kid is either going to be president some day or will be a multi billionaire!

  114. I absolutely needed the laugh that came with the reading of this post. Thank you lol

  115. The lawn orphans are hilarious! I would love to see them in a future book but I’m rethinking my whole “I wish I had me some lawn orphans ” thing.

  116. Time to start taking names of Lawn Orphans. Then you can matchup the LO with HOA board member.
    Also if possible check out Kitten Lady on YouTube, she does a lot of kitten rescue from feral cat mamas and also about Capture Neuter Release programs. Might be needed in Kid2s neighborhood. Might be a program in her neighborhood already.

  118. So glad we don’t have HOA’s here in Aus.

    While watching House Hunters & similar, I always yell at the TV, don’t get the house with a HOA!

  120. I’m trying to sum up my thoughts in a short sentence. The BDH loves the LOM and House Andrews. You are a delight!

  121. These lawn orphans are amazing. I love them. I also fear them & their organizational powers. How is a gang of 12 year olds better at organizing than any adults I’ve ever worked with…

  122. LOL — OMG, I have ‘Oliver’ tunes running through my head now, and visions of Fagan and the Artful Dodger.

  123. Hahaha! My two oldest sons have begun doing lawn care and this reminds me of them. They will do almost anything for $20. They have pulled dead animals out of pool skimmers and ditches, climbed under sheds and porches. A 10-14 year old yard guy is priceless!

  124. I had a crappy night, very little sleep and my mental health is officially running on fumes. I can’t tell you how badly I needed the Lawn Orphans today. Thank you.

  125. This just reminded me a little of Lawn Boy and Lawn Boy Returns, by Gary Paulsen. Hysterical little books, anyone here ever read them?

  126. Wow, that took a turn. They went from Orphans to Maia, I’m sure there’s a moral to it someone, a lesson to be taught… I’m actually not sure I want to know what it is.

  128. I used to own a home in Georgia, in a town where lawn care was part of the local religion. Lots of people had riding lawn mowers. (I once saw an elderly woman riding her mower, wearing just a big hat and her underwear.) Several of the guys in my neighborhood used those commercial mowers that people stand on while they mow.

    I paid $65 a week to a father-and-son team to cut my lawn and was happy to do so. That was 10 years ago so who knows what the going rate is now. If the lawn orphans are charging $20 per lawn (or $40 for what I presume is a larger lawn), that’s a steal. Perhaps the lawn orphan mafia have no competition because adults can’t beat their prices.

  130. The lawn orphans are hysterical, and a bit scary. It’s a shame Mama cat moved the kittens before they could be rescued, but Kid2 tried hard.

    HOA’s are the worst. One has to wonder if someone isn’t out at night wandering with a flashlight and ruler measuring blades of grass. I have only lived at one house that had one, but I dreaded the yearly Nazi Patrol inspection.

  131. You just made my morning!! I’ve been cackling for the last 20 min utes. Should you ever want to expand into mafia stories this would be amazing! I’ll read the entire series, every single word!!!

  132. BWAHAHA! I’d have trusted the Lawn Orphans to retrieve the kittens, they seem like a very capable bunch ????

  134. Hahaha that’s so funny and so weird for someone from England to read about HOAs and how much you have to ask how high when they tell you to jump!! I’d hate that so thank god it’s not a thing over here (or at least anywhere I have lived)

  135. I see a remarkable career for the Manager of this crew. I hope he decides to use his power for good.

    Love this story

  136. OMG! What a way to start my day – will be thinking about the lawn mafia all day!! ????????????

  137. Yeah, that was a laugh I needed this morning. Thank you! It does kind of have me wishing for lawn orphans where I live. However due to the steepness of my yard they’d probably laugh at me!

  140. Peaky blinders! I love the Lawn Orphans! I wish the kids in my neighborhood had half of their get up and get it done!

  141. I really needed the laugh I just got. That is just hysterical and concerning at the same time.

  143. The lawn orphan Mafia sounds badass. The leader will go very far in life. Also, Kid 2 is hilarious. She should start a blog and write about her daily life. Would read the shit out of that.

  145. This is hysterical! (While reading the post, in my head I was hearing Tony Soprano saying “Gabagool!” — capicola, for the uninitiated). Good luck with the Lawn Orphans, AND the kittens!

  146. “The HOA uses a service that sends a car through the neighborhood every week and tags people whose lawn is too long or who have their trashcans out”

    There are people in this world with *far* too much spare time on their hands.

  147. One advantage to living in California, the drought doesn’t allow us to have lawns! Now all the HOAs have to allow people to take out their lawns if they want to and they can’t complain if they’re brown.

  148. hahahahaha I am so glad there are no HOAs here, even though the neighbors lawn does get ridiculously long sometimes. I think their guy only comes once a month. (no lawn orphans here that I’ve ever seen). I could use some sidewalk orphans in the winter, I’m getting too old to shovel, and snow blowers are ridiculously expensive :/

    • My favorite HOA story:
      Guy had a house in a historical HOA. If you repaired or replaced anything, it had to either be period correct or exactly like what was taken out. He had square brick/stone/steps up to the porch, and wanted to replace it with a half-round shape, but with the same type of brick/stone. Houses in the surrounding area had half-round steps, so…
      HOA said no.
      HOA had NO regulations on paint colors, only on everything else. Guy painted his house electric lime green with dark purple polka-dots.
      HOA tried to complain; he advised them there were no regulations on paint, but he would be willing to repaint his house if they would bend a little on the step issue.
      They bent.

  151. At first I laughed reading this. Then I sat here with my mouth opening thinking no way! Yet, way! Then I laughed more. Tacks in tires? These kids are lawn ninja serious about their business!

  152. Lawn Orphan Mafia! Thank you for the laugh. It’s been a rough couple of days. ????

    Though that would make a good band name…

  154. I still want to know if they will come to certain parts of Canada and do snow.

    And raccoon removal! ????

  156. OMG! I love the initiative but those Lawn Orphans have taken it toooo far. And yet, I’m Laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face. 😀 LOL! LOL! LOL!

    They are going to rule the world.

  159. You make my day with your funny stories about everyday life! If you are thinking of moving again, move to southern PA. We would love to have someone with such a positive view of life living here!

    And thank you for taking care of all the stray dogs and cats! You are saints!

    Dee from southern PA

  160. Omg, that’s utterly hilarious. Also, can you imagine what the lawn orphans’ manager will be like in another 15 years? Oh, the stories that could be written about someone like that . . .

  162. Many years ago now, I had the exact opposite thing happen with kittens. Their mother ate the food I put out for the wandering cats in the neighborhood where our business was, and I saw that she was huge, then skinny, so I knew she had kittens. About 5 weeks later, as I stood looking out the open door at a thunderstorm with rain pouring down, I watched her casually walk in with a kitten in her mouth. She tucked it behind the refrigerator and walked out. She had 5 kittens, it was time for them to eat cat food, and for the first time ever she came in with them and moved in for good. Cats move kittens to where it’s easy pickings for food when the time comes.

    The lawn orphans are hysterically funny to me. I’m glad they can afford to pay the children to do the work. I’m glad the children do things correctly and the HOA got off her back. I had city code enforcers send a letter to our landlord at work about “weeds” behind the building, so without talking to me at all, he came along and sprayed RoundUp on my flowers. I had six plants, priced at over $20 apiece, and he killed them all because neither he nor the city code enforcer knew the difference between weeds and flowers, despite them being in bloom at the time. I promptly dug up and moved all my bulbs and other plants from the business to my home, end of problems, but I missed my gorgeous flowers.

  163. ….is it weird that I am impressed by the gumption and tenacity of these working pre-teens? I know full-grown adults who don’t have this level of go-getter attitude and confidence, myself included.

  164. OMG!!!!!That is one of the funniest stories ever!!!!! You have got to put that in a book!!!! The lawn orphan mafia! What a hoot! I don’t comment every time but thank you guys so much for sharing your slices of life with us, the good , the bad and sad and the downright hysterical . For sure this absolutely made my week . Thank you

  165. Laughing my butt off, imagining the L.O.M – what are they going to be like in 5, 10, or 20 years? Just imagine the possibilities…

  167. Hilarious. Next they’ll send a dead fish wrapped in newspaper as a warning, then a 13 year old to knock on the door and tell you that it would be in your best interest to pay lawn protection money. Heh, I’m picturing a 12 year old Joe Peschi trying to shake you down

  168. OMG At first I thought the Lawn Orphans were enterprising and plucky. Now they scare me a little. The leader is a miniature Godfather. Ratting you out to the HOA? Tacks in competitors tires? Are his crew working voluntarily I wonder? It boggles the mind. But it makes a good story. 🙂

  170. If the lawn orphans do end up having ties to the HOA, do you need more HOA approval needed work done in the future?

    Time to start setting out ice water, snacks and a nice tip to “cultivate relationships”. Or at least preserve their tires in case they know someone at an auto shop who can fix them right up.

  171. In my head, the LOM are dressed like the little boys in Stand By Me. I can just see them putting the moves on unsuspecting new homeowners!

  172. Omg. I laughed so hard. I had to stop my husband and read the two posts to him to share in the laugh. I’m sorry she stuck with the lawn orphan mafia but that’s hilarious.

  174. The best thing I’ve read so far this week! I sure as shooting would fit that in some short story. Could almost happen in any of the settings you write about.

  175. Kate would be in danger of adopting them. They would think Catalina was an easy mark but wind up doing their homework, improving their grades, and writing business plans.

    Curan would give them pointers and get them to be the Lawn Orphan Mafia that rules Texas.

  176. if they’re truly mafia and Kid2 is paying double what other people are paying for HOA ‘protection’ then are they raising their rates for the neighborhood or just fleecing Kid2 until she caves and begs for the normal rate? sneaky mafia kids.

  177. Everyone is taking about the Lawn Orphans Mafia and I am sitting here scared that HOA might ever become a thing here.
    I mean weekly check ups? Damn, here you might get judgy stares from the neighbours if your property looks like it might get demolished soon ^^°

  188. They would have taken those kittens down for you, all part of the service! I like how the Capo glanced to the made man, and “no problem”. Ha. Good move, just go with the flow. Part of doing business in da neighborhood.

  190. Hey, at least they do a good job. I don’t know if the mafia would do a good job mowing a lawn when they are collecting protection money.

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