OUR STORE: SHOP HERE

ILONA ANDREWS

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author

You are here: Home / Blog / We Got Mail

We Got Mail

Blog, Fun POST A COMMENT by

A very official-looking envelope addressed to the BDH was waiting for me this morning when I got to work. Indigo-colored seal, bond paper smelling faintly of melted aetherium, letterhead. The whole shebang.

RE: Application to Join
From: Cold Chaos Guild
Applicant: The Horde
Talent: Book Devouring

Thank you for your enthusiastic interest in joining Cold Chaos. After a careful evaluation of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position with our guild at this time.

This is not a reflection on your abilities. Our breach assignments do not currently require skills such as “rapid disassembly of haunted libraries”, “dushegubbing a whole anchor series overnight” or “aural exorcism of cursed breach audiobooks”. Should the nature of this war change, please rest assured we will revisit your application with all due care.

Regarding the additional guidance you requested about establishing your own guild:

I do not have a personal opinion on the tie break between the names Guild of Ripper Cushions and The Chalant Ferrets.

However, I must strongly object that gate-diving “definitely seems like a ‘try and see how it feels’ kind of thing” as you put it. Becoming a successful guild hinges on disciplined teams who trust each other. I appreciate that it is important who shouts “LEAD ME TO THE SLAUGHTER BARSA BARSA” loudest during attacks, but it is not, in itself, a viable operational strategy.

We are grateful for your passion, and your 14-page appendix of suggested breach tactics entitled “I love the sound DDC policy makes when I break it”, which did raise some flags in our legal department.

The world may yet require your knowledge. Until that day comes, keep your tanks close and your healers closer.

PP: Leo Martinez
on behalf of Elias McFeron
Guildmaster, Cold Chaos

Alright. Fess up.

Who was supposed to be watching Steve?

You know he’s not allowed access to the Horde email account since that Unicorn Lane karaoke night and the thing with the kraken.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  8. Oh Steve! Always the first to cause trouble. Although, truth be told this all happened after a night out drinking with Bug!

  9. Definitely not me, I’ve been over here all morning trying to put some order into the BDH’s theories of how Ada and Elias meet

    • Maybe we should reevaluate the ferret ninja training? It being led BY the ferrets themselves may have been a tactical error…

    • Apparently being sneaky is not in Steve’s future. To paraphrase Arland, I don’t think Steve could sneak is way out of a boot with light lighting his way. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • There’s no proof it was Steve, did the ip address of the email user get sourced? Did we finger print the keyboard at HQ.

      The ninja ferret training is superb, their use of a stoolie in Steve is a masterful tactic.

      Viva le BDH

  14. When I woke up I had the little thrill of anticipation, a Friday, oh boy! But then I remembered, no more installments. In fact, there’s only one more Friday that will need to be looked forward to, next Friday. At least I HOPE it will be next Friday.

  15. It might have been me. Steve said he had a blood sword, and might be able to get a pulse cannon. I told him it might work. but, you know Steve…

  21. You look away from Steve for one minute . . .

    I am totally on board for The Further Adventures of Steve.

    Thanks, ModR. This is AWESOME and totally made my Friday. 🙂

  24. Please, please, can we vote on a guild name? I am in with “the Chalant Ferrets”. Happy Friday.

  25. What thing with the kraken?!?

    Unicorn Lane karaoke was a blast. Yay, Steve!

    Very funny, post. Loved it.

  26. “Lead me to the slaughter, barsa, barsa!”

    Sounds like an excellent mission statement. Or a T-shirt.

    “Guild unapproved” also has potential.

  29. Steve!

    But you know he’s just doing what we are all thinking….

    I’m definitely a Chalant Ferret.

  30. I can take this rejection from the Cold Chaos Guild, as my hope is that I will find the secret to entering my favourite world when “This Kingdom Will Not Kill Me” comes out.

  35. 🤣🤣

    Dang it Steve you told me you wouldn’t touch anything………I knew I shouldn’t have went to see who was at the door!

    • At least we kept the aetherium grenadines out of his hands…. Just be careful when you get that old cardboard box off the top shelf in the back of the pantry…..
      lol
      This made my Friday!

  37. It was a good effort Steve!! Maybe next time.

    Also .. side note Leo reminds me of Michael from hidden legacy..analogous baddassery?

  44. To do list- Send apology scallop basket to Kraken emissary
    Order organic maple syrup
    Change wifi password. Again.
    Talk with Steve. Again.

  47. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant!

    You know, I thought Steve was gone for a suspiciously long time when he stepped out to “get more cookies” 🤔. Admittedly, there was a fierce debate going on about the allegiances and cunning of Clan Kiar versus Clan Nuan and whether Dina knows what Ada’s favourite cookie is…

    • You know who’d know? Maggie. Maggie would definitely know what Ada’s favorite cookies are….

      • Are you implying that the fantasy story Maggie ends up in is, in fact, Inheritance? That would be cool, except Ilona said that story was ‘famously unfinished’!

        • No, Maggie doesn’t land in Inheritance world 🙂 . The two series are unlinked, and very different. Maggie’s adoptive kingdom is one of knights and epic fantasy.

          Maggie is, however, a fan that contains multitudes https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/signs-of-life/

          Arabella: What’s so special about you? What is your power?

          Maggie: Oh. I’m a fan.

          Catalina: I’m sorry.

          Maggie: I am a fan. I read books over and over. I obsess over the details, like which region the armor came from, how far can a magic horse run in a day, and what are the medieval bras made out of. I know everything about all of you. I have read your books over and over. I know your motivations, your secrets, and your hidden thoughts. Those private doubts you kept to yourself during your woe-is-me moments? The unkind things you sometimes thought about your loved ones? I can quote them from memory.

          • Maggie: Thank you. But that won’t be necessary. I’m just here for Orro’s cookies.

            yes, this is what I was referring to 😆

  51. The appendix on breaking DDC policies was only 14 pages?? Steve, where did you put the second and third appendices: “Can I pet those Dawgs (alien or otherwise)?” and “Gate Sharing Etiquette: when other guilds go low, you need to go lower.”

  52. lmaoooo! that was fantastic and just what I needed to put a bounce in my step and possible stop obsessively clicking the “refresh” button while waiting for the book to release 😆

  55. I seem to be outvoted so far, but I am strongly in favor of ‘Guild of Ripper Cushions’.

  57. The obvious answer here is The Chalant Ferrets of Ripper Cushions.

    It basically names its self.

  58. Laughed so much my colleagues had to ask if I was okay. Thanks Steve, just try not to get caught next time. We said be stealthy.

  60. if Ada had the ferrets the Inheritance would’ve been A LOT shorter. they definitely would have found a way to the blast charges through the debris tunnel on Day 1. House Andrews might have actually had a novella like they adorably thought they were writing. Just sayin… 😁

  64. OMG, I’m dying, you’re dying.

    Does anyone got a hanky because I’m laughing so hard the tears are rolling!!!

  65. ModR, I bow to your mad genius! So funny! Thanks for the morning laugh.

    I’m on team The Chalant Ferrets of Ripper Cushions! When’s our next meeting? Assemble behind the library at 0 dark 30. Come prepared for breach jumping! Now where did Steve hide my broom… Barsa Barsa!!!

  66. Guild of Ripper Cushions is where I’d sign up. Coffee and reading are hazardous pay for sure if it involves anything from or about you. Thank you.

  68. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    I needed this laugh today. Thanks Mod R!

    Steve – we need to have an intervention with you. You do not hack into the Guild’s e-mail and try to get the Horde in trouble.

    Wait what? You had Mod R do it?! Why do you always get Mod R in trouble? What did she do to you, Steve? Hmmm????

    😜🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  69. OMG! I soooo needed this! I went on vacation for a week, not for fun but to move, in Texas, when the heat index was 106. Then got back to work to spend 3 days fixing things that broke when I went on vacation. The laugh was sorely needed. Thank you!

    • Your definition of “vacation” needs work. What you describe above is “leave.” There’s a difference, and the intent to have fun is part of it. Not that fun is ever guaranteed in this life, which is why “intent” is in there.

  70. Well…Steve just did what we all kind of wanted to do! And that karaoke incident…well, you know, it sometimes just happens! The Kraken was eventually happy with it’s settlement, and I don’t think those fishermen will miss…um…no need to bring up the past, right?

    As for team names, I’m sort of partial to Team” Baha Char Bada$$es”, but “Team Ripper Cushions” appeals to me as well…

    Anyhow, that envelope sounded impressive. I look forward to following Elias,et.al, adventures in mining! 😉😁

  71. Surely we could overwhelm anyone and anything with our sheer numbers!

    Never get between the Horde and our desired books!

  72. Dammit, I really counted on having the opportunity to slay some monsters after not being allowed to slaughter the people annoying me in my project…

    Barsa BARSA barsa-barsa barsA BARSA!

    (Is it next Friday yet?)

  73. Oh my – Mod R you are the best! I giggled/snorted through the entire post and grinned while reading all the comments.

    Happy Friday everyone!!

  74. Amazing, lol. I had to read it out loud (plus explanations) to my husband this morning.

  76. The only Steve I know is too busy with his own stuff for this. I’m not even sure he’d think the BDH applying to Cold Chaos was funny. I’m certain he would go as far as cute, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t laugh.

  77. Thank you! I almost didn’t check since the installments had stopped. I’m so glad I did. Very funny!!

    But I’m stuck on who Steve may be. Am I having a senior moment? I’m ready to reread all the series and blog entries if necessary.

    • If u r having a senior moment, forgetting Steve first is true genius!

      (Steve is the fictional member of the BDH who frequently causes extra trouble. Like: who stepped on a branch when we’re trying to b sneaky-Steve! To b fair, we shouldn’t b where we r, but Steve often gets us caught, or worse. But we love Steve, right?)

  78. I love the fact that you know in a bureaucratic setting most of the main characters have the ability to make people to want them to leave because things they do causes them to have to write more reports.
    You know Claudia has to be sending reports to Damian.

  79. Yeah, so I’ve been MIA on the blog. Decided to HORDE the last few serial posts to binge on my Friday off only to find it was over!!! (can you hear the whimpering and wailing from there?). I’ve caught up on the story (it’s sooo goooood!), the heartbreak of realizing it was the last installment (nooooooo!), loved the art and cover (yes, I need a calendar), the joy of learning about the very fast upcoming release (phew, thank you HA, can’t wait). What a rollercoaster of a morning blog read!

    Now, I’m hungry for chicken and feeling the need to defend Steve a little since you know we all put him up to that hoping it would work. I guess drinking tea from a ferret heist mug and reading HA does not constitute training for a guild job.

    Thanks Mod R for wrangling us and giving me a happy ending to my blog binge today. Go Horde!! The comment section is awesome, love you guys.

    P.S. Of course we want a zoom chat. I know you guys are busy, but have you not been paying attention? We’re just a “little” obsessed even though we pretend we are chalant and p*tient. ;D xxoo

    • I’m a little confused by the whole “chalant” thing. If nonchalant is standing around looking bored or acting like stuff doesn’t matter, then chalant would be the opposite? Sort of like hopping foot to foot and saying “Is the book published yet? Huh? Huh?” Did that sound like Bug? Can someone help me out here?

      • More like intently focused, I think.

        “SSSHHH, I have to constantly watch my email so I don’t miss the pre-order post. I can eat and sleep later, like week after next!

        What do you mean, I’m starting to smell? That’s just book-attracting pheromones.”

  81. I mean Mod R is definitely head of the guild, I think we can all agree…. or are they the keeper of secrets and we have a dark mysterious hooded figure that is the true head who may or may not be HA taking turns slipping us info before unleashing the horde and pointing at cushions.

  82. Leo has some valid points. However, I seriously doubt Team Facts be Damned will listen.

    • We shall damn the facts shalantly, whilst Steve drafts the petition for replication. You’ve got one signature here, Steve!

  83. When I found out I had bursitis, which the doctor explained was inflammation of the bursae, I busted out with “Barsa barsa!” and then had to explain things so that I didn’t end up with a psych consult on top of physical therapy.

    I vote for the Horde to start a new guild named the Ferrets of Nav, throwing in Cherny will definitely add to the guild’s intimidation factor.

  87. Cold Chaos is SO going to regret turning down the HORDE. They don’t really understand the POWER of the The HORDE, it is INSIDIOUS. he he he he heeeee….

  88. Thank you ModR for sharing your creativity with the Horde whilst we wa@t p@tiently for the order button!
    May your weekend be safe, relaxing and spent with those you love!
    PS. Echoing previous comments: Fellow Horde members your comments above are delightful as well!

  89. do you have any idea how much we love you. seriously. your writing results in a) cackling crazed delight , b) starry eyed cult like soma smile of joy, c) frantic stress lip biting and squinting furrow brow at screen trying to be non chalant and failing.
    thank you

    • ModR I am talking to you, but of course the full blinding power of my author worship will always be at the feet of house Andrews.

  90. In very posh tea restaurant reading this and snorting tea out my nose laughing out loud…. Not the best look..
    So funny I love it. Though sad about our application being denied.

  91. I, personally, think Elias and Leo are being shortsighted. They are underestimating the ferocity and ingenuity of the Horde. Just give us some sugar and caffeine, tell us the AuthorLords are being held hostage in a breach, and get out of our way! There is nothing we can’t accomplish when our books are on the line! 📚⚔️

    • +1

      (I was going to type “Preach!” but realized the sentiment might be lost in translation to some of you not from America. Would basically mean tell everyone emphatically how it really is)

  95. Which Steve? Steve on the construction crew, or Steve the twin who works in HR?
    Hanging out with Steve can lead to all kinds of shenanigans.

  96. Thanks Mod R, I may have been whining about the end of the serial as I checked the blog. But this post made the day so much better!
    And thanks to the rest of the Horde for creative contributions!!

  99. ‘Not me!’, Choruses amid a forest of whole arm finger pointing in every conceivable direction.

    I vote the Guild of Chalant Ferrets of Ripper Cushions, as suggested by a couple ppl above.

    Just one more week, y’all! We can do it! (Chants: ‘Fluffy, fluffy, fluffy’)

    Thanks for this, Mod. R. Helped make a bad week better.