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We Got Mail

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A very official-looking envelope addressed to the BDH was waiting for me this morning when I got to work. Indigo-colored seal, bond paper smelling faintly of melted aetherium, letterhead. The whole shebang.

RE: Application to Join
From: Cold Chaos Guild
Applicant: The Horde
Talent: Book Devouring

Thank you for your enthusiastic interest in joining Cold Chaos. After a careful evaluation of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a position with our guild at this time.

This is not a reflection on your abilities. Our breach assignments do not currently require skills such as “rapid disassembly of haunted libraries”, “dushegubbing a whole anchor series overnight” or “aural exorcism of cursed breach audiobooks”. Should the nature of this war change, please rest assured we will revisit your application with all due care.

Regarding the additional guidance you requested about establishing your own guild:

I do not have a personal opinion on the tie break between the names Guild of Ripper Cushions and The Chalant Ferrets.

However, I must strongly object that gate-diving “definitely seems like a ‘try and see how it feels’ kind of thing” as you put it. Becoming a successful guild hinges on disciplined teams who trust each other. I appreciate that it is important who shouts “LEAD ME TO THE SLAUGHTER BARSA BARSA” loudest during attacks, but it is not, in itself, a viable operational strategy.

We are grateful for your passion, and your 14-page appendix of suggested breach tactics entitled “I love the sound DDC policy makes when I break it”, which did raise some flags in our legal department.

The world may yet require your knowledge. Until that day comes, keep your tanks close and your healers closer.

PP: Leo Martinez
on behalf of Elias McFeron
Guildmaster, Cold Chaos

Alright. Fess up.

Who was supposed to be watching Steve?

You know he’s not allowed access to the Horde email account since that Unicorn Lane karaoke night and the thing with the kraken.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Love it!

    And every time Steve is mentioned, I keep thinking of Otter Steve!😂😂🤣

  2. Steve, Steve, Steve *shakes head*

    One day he’ll master subtlety and then we’ll rule the world. . .

  8. Unicorn Lane karaoke night was a blast! We should do that on a quarterly basis.

    Mod R, thanks for the funny. Needed it this week. Next time Steve maybe you can add a mascot or logo to the application, sometimes visuals are good.

  9. We’re chalant and we’re coming, Cold Chaos!! We’ll get in with yiu eventually!! .,,

    Steve?? Steve!! Stop that! Shhhh, somebody will hear you!!

  11. Omg, not to mention the time he got into the lemons and tried to pitch-hit a vampire after he dipped it in coffee, calling it tequila-squizas….
    damnit Steve

  12. I think it was your turn to watch Steve. I have no independent knowledge of a karaoke and kraken incident u r refering to.

  16. I vote for the Guild of Cozy Carnage, though the other names are great too.

    Maybe a consortium of guilds? The Horde is certainly big enough.

  17. Mod R, can Steve have his own blog tag to help with finding posts in the archive? I tried to go back and reread the History of Steve, but he didn’t show up on the website search.

  19. OMG…I never comment on blogs but this made me laugh out loud. I love, love, love your world building and cannot wait to see where we go next.

  21. OMG! But Aunt Geraldine’s face when the kraken arrived….and it started to sing. That was the best fun! I’ll never hear Cruel Summer the same way again. sigh, fond memories xxx

  22. We need guild chapters! Chalant Ferrets, Ripper Cushions, Cozy Carnage and the NevCherny….

    Final names to be voted on by the Horde

    And a survey please to find out which one we belong to? 😁

  23. 🤣♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🧐♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️🤣
    you are awesome Mod R

  25. Breaking news….Steve’s rendition of ‘I Did It My Way’ is charting on the Hot 100…and that IS how a star is born!

  29. Mod R, you are a gem and we love you! I must say that I am so proud to be one of the Horde. These comments are cracking me up!! What a group!

  31. Excuse me? Please understand. Very quietly in the back of the crowd here. Steve, uh hm, was with me. Really. I would never. It was Helen. Her infiltration class.

    Really. Shhh.

    • It might have been Bea, Sophia, et al – heard they found a pocket realm in Unicorn Lane…

  32. Reading this and drinking coffee – definite “no-no”! Spit everywhere when I started laughing! Thanks for the early morning chuckles.

  33. You are a gift Mod R. Thank you so much for this! It gave me a much needed laugh. And count me Team Ripper Cushions!

  34. Thank you SO much for sharing this post. I know many of my fellow Horde members prefer the installment Fridays. I prefer Fridays like this, when the post turns out to be a delightful, hilarious, witty gem! I snort-laughed my way through the whole thing and the comments are superb. This is why I bow before House Andrews and Mod R. 💜

  36. Barsa, barsa barsabarsa. I just finished reading this and still laugh at it. The ending though, that was a tough read. Thanks forever for the wonderful journeys you take us on.

  44. Steve reminds me of the Moon Moon meme. This involves photos of wolves doing stupid stuff, and the rest of the pack says, “Dammit, Moon Moon!”

    I googled examples of this meme just now. Here’s one that caught my eye: “What do you call a wolf who knows he’s a wolf? Aware Wolf.” To which the other wolves screamed, “Dammit, Moon Moon!”

    Apparently this meme originated from one of those random name generators that gives you your wolf name, where you plug in your birth year and the day of the month, and it spits out a name. Which in this case was Moon Moon. This then became the name of the pack’s stupidest wolf.

    OK, that was totally off topic. but anyway. Go Mod R! You outdid yourself. But the BDH needs to keep a better eye on Steve….

  50. But we look so BadA$$ in our BDH gear! Oh well, we wouldn’t have time to be saving Cold Chaos in the breach anyway, as we will be busy devouring! Your loss Leo!

  52. I love the playfulness of this post but most especially how you turning your other series.

    I am now debating whether to finish my grad school law assignment or re-read sweep of the blade and deal with the ripper cushions at a later date

  53. Thank you. I needed a bit of silly after this week.

    I hosted my final summer reading program for 2025 yesturday. (Building rockets, satellites, and moonbases, oh my!)

    My brain and feet are exhausted and this was just what I needed to read.

    Thank you House Andrews and Mod R.

    • Quitters!
      My library’s summer reading has three more weeks to go!

      Of course, as a mere cataloger, I’m not one of the people actually *doing* the programs ….. I just hand out prizes ….
      *waves*

  54. This..this is why I adore the authors, mod R, and the hord!

    Good Clean fun, except for Steve who needs to step away from the keyboard and shower —now.

  57. As I have once again reread absolutely everything. I tend to do this a multiple times a year, since epically good authors are rare as hens teeth. So I have quite a few random thoughts I feel compelled to share.

    Little Helen with her own broom, and all the power ever.

    I also have to ask, is Earth really the only planet that has inns? An umpteenth read finally confirmed that the Innkeeper Assembly is on Earth.

    So where did they come from originally. Dina thinks that they originated in Bahachar because that is where they make their first gates to.

    I hereby suggest a brand new line of excellent and enthusiastic speculation about the nature, origin and history of the Inns. The oldest earth inns we hear of are all under a thousand years old.
    There cannot have been Innkeepers on Earth before the Innkeepers Accord.

    At some point in time the 12 point jump point was discovered with a undeveloped human civilization. Control of it would have led to endless war.

    This leads me to theorize a higher power with the ability to make Earth’s protection stick, and also the ability to import the first inn seeds.

    Ok BDH, let’s get it on!

    • “There cannot have been Innkeepers on Earth before the Innkeepers Accord”
      Why not? Wouldn’t there *have* to have been Inns — and Innkeepers — for an Innkeepers Accord to be needed?

      Maybe Inns were the grand project of some mad scientist/crazy wizard on Baha-Char. They’d *just* perfected their invention, had a bunch of seeds ….. pursued by nefarious characters, they escaped to Earth and hid there ….. and planted a few seeds …..

  58. It wasn’t me!

    [blushes and takes a quiet step backwards.]

    Mod R, you are the best!

    😂💕💕💕

  59. Darn it Steve! I take my eyes from him for a few moments while working on my rose/nightshade hybrid. (The scent is to die for) and he goes all feral. Oh well no more maple syrup fro him. Signed the Elder From the North

  65. Dammit, I’m too new to the BDH to remember who Steve is, how ninja ferrets tie in, and what happened with unicorn lane karaoke. Can someone explain to this idiot? Thaaaaaanks.

    • Hi Stacy! Welcome to the insanity that is The Book Devouring Horde! I hope you will enjoy becoming assimilated 😉
      Hoping Mod R sees this & may be willing to link Steve Sightings & other such key BDH lingo. In the meantime-ferret heists can be enjoyed in the Hidden Legacy series-i wont spoil it for you! Unicorn Lane can be found in Kate Daniels’ Atlanta, but should NOT be entered without the proper six person Red Guard team to protect you…Other than that, we are intense but hope you can join us in our sillies

    • I’m old here but seems to have missed Steve completely!

      But Sons explained the other parts very good!

      Welcome to the BDH! You have a lot of good reading ahead of you!

    • And Steve is, well, Steve. He’s a member of the Horde and keeps having more adventures in Mod R’s imagination than the rest of us. Kind of a Horde Avatar?

      …Can someone else chime in here for Stacy’s sake? My brain is mushy as today is my Friday and it’s been on high alert all week keeping horses & humans from bearing the consequences of their actions. Especially the horses. Since they seem to think they are Bucky but do not have his light footedness nor his grace & their estimation of how high they can jump is quite at odds with reality. (No permanent damage & luckily our farrier is very patient)

  66. I’m a Steve and I wish I thought of sending such a letter. Love your books! Thankyou for your hard work. I will patently wait for the opportunity to devourer the book.

  67. As some versions of the song “On The Cover of The Rolling Stone” ended; “Dat’s Byooteefull!”
    “

  69. Almost 7:30 pm here in New Jersey. I checked the releases page and only that book coming in 2026 is listed.

    Where is our Inheritance?

    Look I turn 75 in September. I might not last til 2026. I could pass away never know if Roman gets a nice partner. If There are more little Lennerts. Will Steve West be too old/expensive/busy to record a Hugh’s kids lifting cows?
    I could type on.

    Throw me a bone here.

  73. Shouldn’t it be Gilded Ripper Cushions? I’m picturing nice big scarlet cushions like beanbag chairs with big gold tassles dripping from every corner like angelfish lures. And when the unwary sit on the cushions, they swallow their prey whole…

    This would, of course, not be an issue for any BDH member of the Guild of Chalant Ferrets — because they would naturally have rolled an aetherium grenade through the doorway before entering the room…

    As I understand it, the big issue with the Unicorn Lane Karaoke Night was that the “quality” of the BDH’s collective singing caused all the monsters to flee into the city. The Order, the People, the Pack, the Red Guard, the Witch Covens and the Mercenary Guild are all still furious that it took their coordinated efforts to convince the monsters that the “concert” was over and they could safely leave downtown and return to lurking in Unicorn Lane.

  74. Now, now, why blame Steve when we can obviously blame Leroy instead. After all, he’s the one that runs into situations without thinking.

    • Oh! U know Leroy Jenkins? Isn’t he Steve’s cousin thrice-removed? Or something like that…

  79. Next Application should be filed by Barsalamew Ferret and be accompanied by cases of the Ilonaverse books.

    After that second Application is turned down, time to whine to Klaus and his friends. The BDH is very, very good at whining.

  80. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

    I am still chuckling over this one.

    Got a picture of the rejection letter? No picture — no proof it was received!

    I seem to remember a great line for that… “That is the nicest ‘Here are your dishonored dead, piss off and don’t come back’ letter I have ever heard,” [Dina Demille] said. (Sweep in Peace, Book 2 of the Innkeeper Chronicles.)

    Take care. Thanks for the chuckler!

    Toodles!

  84. I haven’t laughed so hard since, well, forever. Thank you.

    If Cold Chaos ever has an opening for a 72 year old retired systems analyst who can wield a hammer, fix most electrical issues, and can sew anything, please let me know. I also have mad baking skills,lol. Hugs.