I recently had a milestone birthday, and it made me realise something: I am still carrying around a lot of innocent childhood expectations about what adulthood was meant to look like.
My life was supposed to feature a lot more fake bookcases concealing secret doors, for a start. No hidden rooms for Mod R.
Where are all of those occasions I had to learn how to “transform a look from day to night” for? If you’re anywhere close to my age bracket, you’ll what I mean. The spur-of-the-moment gala or surprise date at a fancy restaurant that were allegedly waiting around every grown-up corner – and woe betide the fool who didn’t know how to “swipe dark eye shadow” or had “a pair of long earrings” about her person. You’d look like a chump in daywear.
I also lived in fear that a china cabinet was going to happen to me at some point. I don’t know why, because no one in my family had one. I was convinced I’d turn adult and be chained tending to dishes I had to look at every day but never use. My undiagnosed ADHD quaked with visual overstimulation at the mere thought.
I know I’m not the only one.
Quicksand. The Bermuda Triangle was going to be real danger. A whole bunch of flambe foods we had to know how to do for our lavish dinner parties (lol).
So far, it’s been a lot more about prioritizing protein and convincing captchas I’m not a robot. But I believe a measure of impostor syndrome might be resolved if I give my inner kid closure and go out and do some of these.
What fake adulthood milestones did you grow up expecting to have to deal with? I’m so curious and eager to add to my quest journal hehe.
And btw, if your inner child happens to be motivated by goodies from your favourite books and you missed the announcement on Saturday, official Ilona Andrews merch is available again at the B.A. Bookish Boutique, the new House Andrews licenced vendor. You won’t even need a china cabinet, because you’ll want to use them all the time!
Just had a “milestone” birthday in October, and I’m still working on developing an adult attitude. I still like to skip instead of run, and still play with toys, which are more expensive than the ones I had when I was young.
No china cabinets or secret rooms yet, but someone posted up a list of bucket items on another forum I visit, and I checked off 22 of the 25 items listed.
Never expected to last 75 years, but having a loving wife since 1990 has made the trip great.
Still wishing for that flying car that I can park in the garage.
I just had that milestone birthday too (75), and I think all of my childhood expectations of adulthood have long gone. I guess that’s one good thing about getting to this age!
I know, right! Being adult is really, really boring. Get to work on time, get the groceries, go back to get the stuff you forgot the first trip, cooking and all the endless cleaning. Blah, blah, blah. At this point I would like a little quicksand, just a little.
I still don’t feel ‘like an adult’. It’s hard to explain what I expected all I know is that I definitely do not ‘feel’ like how I thoughts adults must feel when I was a kid. A contributing factor to this may be that my husband and I decided not to have kids, but we are very happy in our choice (our spoiled cats also agree lol).
We do have a china cabinet but it’s really just a collection of fun drinkware from our vacations, no fancy dishes to look at but never use.
I also do not have to ‘get ready’ every day. I work from home and often just work in my PJs all day but I remember my Mom always got up and did her hair and makeup ‘just in case’…
Keeping my teenage, button-up Levi jeans and hoping to one day fit into them again was a dream I’ve come to grips with, although I still can’t give them up along with a few other clothes I’ll never fit into again. I still prefer jeans and t-shirts and long for the days when a woman’s hand actually fully fit into pants pockets. What is up with that!?! I used to tell people I’m XX age but 12 years old in my head. I’m now feeling older in my head too. Giving up some of my dreams as I aged was a stark realization that I’m not immortal. But I can dream while reading about Dina and Gertrude Hunt. Wish they were in my neighborhood.
I finally started buying Wrangler from their website, so I could have jeans that fit my hands in the pockets!
I only buy pants from Duluth Trading Company now for that very reason, but I sure wish Levis and the rest of them still had real pockets. If one company can do it, why can’t everyone?
When I told my husband I was pregnant the first time, I expected him to ask me if I was all right and immediately ask me to sit down. Didn’t happen. Also I pictured him scooping me up and carrying me into the hospital when it came time for the birth. Also didn’t happen. I guess I believed the scenes in all those old movies with pregnancy that projected women as more feeble and men as more panicky than reality. I was surprised at how able I continued to be and was playing volleyball until a month before delivery
Nothing makes it crystal clear that life is NOT going to b like you’d planned as kids do.
Use the China!!! My husband bought China, before he met me, when he was stationed in Greece. It’s a lovely understated Noritake called Thule. When we first got married (35 years ago) we used it as our everyday dishes. I no longer have eight full place settings because we used it. But that’s okay. I pull it out for family dinners because, what are we saving it for? We don’t entertain like previous generations did with a formal table. I’d rather use it often, break more pieces and get enjoyment out of it. If I had a big punch bowl, we’d have more punch!
Lisacharlotte:
You can get replacement pieces for your pattern from Replacements,Ltd here: https://www.replacements.com/search?query=noritake%20thule&pattern-match=1
Highly recommended. I’ve been filling in the discontinued sterling flatware pattern I inherited from my mother, the discontinued silverplate flatware pattern from my paternal grandmother, the German china pattern from my mother and her mother, the English china pattern Mr. Wife and I chose for ourselves, and the sweet post-war Japan pattern my sister picked up at a garage sale — that took care of birthday and Christmas presents for five years (!) And they’re keeping an eye out for my grandmother’s German sterling, but I’m not sanguine that will ever be found on the American side of the pond.
It looks like eBay also offers possibilities, so you get to hunt for the best price where available. 😉 I stuck with the highest rated vendors when I bought from them, just in case… Happy shopping! https://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_nkw=noritake+thule&_trksid=p4624852.m4084.l1313
I hear the consignment shops have zillions of lovely punchbowls, cheap. I borrowed one for a baby shower. If I entertained more, I’d def own one. Although I might end up w the one I’d borrowed from a cousin.
Great question.
I thought I would have a lot more travel to exotic scenes–beaches, undiscovered archeological treasures.
Oh yeah, and actual treasure. I really thought that would be a feature of my retirement plan.
I still hope on that one.
Requiring a massive table for family get togethers. Also having at least 16 place settings.
I only had 2 kids.
Selling the 2200 sq ft house +basement and moving into my daughter’s 900sq ftbasement suite was not on my bingo card but life is a constant change.
My husband is retiring in two weeks and we want to travel.
The closest child lives 3 hrs away.
Since the kid’s renters have moved on we saw a perfect solution to our problem of dog sitting and house watching.
My daughter just finished Uni and is now a veterinarian (she talked us into another rescue gsd) our pups second home.
Later we can decide where to move once we have quelled the travel bug.
Now what to do with all this stuff? 🫣
Well – now I know why you look so spangly on those rare times when we get to see you on the screen. And you have literally thousands of fans who adore you. How many people can say that?
But yes, childhood expectations (dreams) can haunt you for a long time. I was going to grow up to be an IBM selectric typewriter repairman or a Hollywood stuntman. I still think about that. I’m an accountant and that profession gave me a nice retirement allowing me to fulfill many bucket list items. But as I can almost see the Last Bus rounding the corner, I don’t think I missed anything important. Or maybe nothing really seems important any more. Life is good.
So happy for you. That is a blessing.
Yes I did think I was going to be Queen of England…I was sure of it. THANK GOD that I will never have to live that life style… I honestly feel sorry for those people.
I always thought there was a point where you figured out how to adult. After college. When you got married. When you had a kid (or kids). Nope, still trying to figure it out. Maybe it was the day I told my kid that adults don’t get summer vacation and he gave me the most horrified look ever. That was probably it…
I love your dp Melissa.
I expected to be off climbing mountains and discovering ancient civilization. Or possibly in jungles, surveying for fabulous mines, emeralds, gold, possibly even oil. Yeah, these days I won’t even walk in the woods for fear of copperheads. Not nearly as exciting. Some mountains, no civilizations. A few abandoned mine dumps, no exciting discoveries. Okay, one small aquamarine. And, doggone it, I do have a china cabinet. Two of em. And I never even had china as a desired wedding present 60 odd years ago. But I’ve had love, seen beauty and met interesting and sometimes brilliant people. Life may be what happens while we make other plans, but it never fails to surprise.
Honestly, I thought I’d get married in a gorgeous medieval wedding dress, like the one from Genevieve & The Knight. I designed it in my head in my early 20’s, like many a young woman.
It wouldn’t be white though, maybe a stunning emerald green, or purple, with big long sleeves almost to the ground, & intricate trim detailing, a long flowing dress.
Sadly, I didn’t meet the man of my dreams (not perfect, but perfect for me), until I reached the rather mor mature age of 41.. Just long enough to have given up on producing a mini me.. so at least I’m ‘off the shelf’ as it were.. (I’m ok with that, it wasn’t an overwhelming need to produce offspring, I just assumed I would meet my baby daddy, & it would happen).
No plans to start a family so late in life, & he already had an adult child… (who is lovely by the way, so maybe I’ll still get to be a grandma.. they are trying..)
Anyhow, fast forward to now, my perfect for me man loves me for who I am, and if he ever does decide he might like to marry me, or have a commitment ceremony, I’m going to have to re–think the dress design.
Maybe I’ll just make it for a costume party or Halloween…
sigh… seems more fitting now I’m in my early 50’s..
Mod R, great post! So many things resonated, I responded way too many times (sorry) but just spent an hour and a half laughing and saying “No way! Me too!” over and over. Thanks for that. Happy Belated Birthday!
I was a dreamy eyed bookworm who loved sci-fi. Definitely thought there would be more automation in my life by this point, especially when it comes to food. On the other hand, I do not miss what began as huge improvements in my life; the curling light sensitive faxes, cassette and VCR tapes, programmable VCR so you could watch your show when you wanted, looooong wall phone cords etc.
Weirdly enough, I thought adulthood meant I would stop reading. I grew up in a home where the adults respected reading and encouraged it in us kids, but didn’t do it themselves. As a result, I never wanted to grow up. . . and perhaps I didn’t. Cuz now that I’m retired, I read like it’s a mission from god.
I had an obsessive fear that I would always have to be cleaning out gutters on my house when I was a grownup. I can attest that (at 52), I have yet to need to clean out a single gutter, but I did have a panic attack at the thought that I would need to do so when I bought my first house. Nope.
I wish my build up was as whimsical as quicksand or socialite party prep (I remember those magazine articles!).
I kinda feel like my entire childhood was built on the expectation that if you tried hard, did well, and got a college degree, life would go swimmingly. It would be easy to obtain and enjoy the nuclear family lifestyle. The “fairy tale” true love story that propagated and permeated the media was a narrative I held dear.
My life has ended up the opposite of that. 😅
Ah yes, this (not) easy to obtain lifestyle was the source of my first depression. I definitely believed that if you put in the work it was supposed to fall in place. Sigh. Despite this I still like where my life seems to be going.
Well you can take all those expectations and shower all that love on yourself. You deserve it.
Gowns. and the stunning heels to go with them. For some reason, I thought I would get to go to lots of parties where everyone would be in formal dress. This dream died a rapid death when I started working. At the end of a week, working 12 hours a day on concrete, my feet and high heels were not on speaking terms. My friends all voted for pot luck and sitting down as a great time.
For me, the china cabinet houses science fiction/ fantasy memorobilia. Had to get two. *LOL*
Milestone birthday in October, and still playing with Legos.
I love my ‘China cabinet’. I’m not sure what it was intended to b, but ever since the first time I visited my boyfriend at his parents home (we were both 19.), I loved the long cabinet with tall 4-sided pyramid glass display towers on either end. I also fell in love with my then-boyfriend/now-husband of 33 years. Ownership of the cabinet came much later.
I think our generation is better at including fun in adulting. But I still remember all the tips about outfits that could easily switch to other times of day/night. I also had my colors ‘done’ and still own bead necklaces that I can knot in a bunch of different ways. But ofc, I don’t bother. I planned to never learn how to cook, because it was expected all women would. But it turns out I like eating meals, not just baked goods. My grandmother must have taught me to bake, because I always use butter to grease the pan, and my mom(who also taught me a lot about baking) used crisco or sprayed Pam. And with a food allergy, if I want certain types of food, we have to make it ourselves.
A friend of the family who is fairly new to adulting recently told me that she finds managing the logistics of 3 meals a day pretty challenging when combined with grad school/clinicals/etc. If she wasn’t 1000 miles away, I’d get her here for a meal once a week. Prob not w the china, but at least at my kitchen table. As it is, gave her some advice on stocking frozen/canned goods. She also tends to arrive from breaks w a snowstorm, so we chatted about having some food always on hand. She grew up in Texas. Before she went north for school I helped her pick out a good winter coat, as she’d never owned one (LLBean). I had to laugh when she said she’d Amazoned a snow shovel and kitty litter to keep in her car.
My biggest items of what it meant to be an adult were to own a house and to be married, neither of which have I done. I also thought that as a feminist I was supposed to do something important such as engineering or being a diplomat. And though I would have loved to have been a spy, there was the small problem of not believing in lying. Ah well. Today, I am working towards being a librarian and hopefully getting that house. Also, I was in my late 30s before I felt like an adult and if I remember right it had to do with accepting responsibilty.
I grew up certain that at some point I was going to be on fire, buried under snow, lost in the wilderness, stuck on a roof, and any other number of things we trained for in childhood.
For adult milestones, fake or otherwise, I never joined an HOA or a PTA or a neighborhood watch. I’m not on the planning board of anything. I’m not a part of the church social committee. I’ve never been a Girl Scout Cookie Mom or a Soccer Mom or, in fact, a mom at all.
While I have help numerous friends with house projects, I’ve never been a part of a roving band of adults sharing the task of re-tar’ing the driveways of ourselves and our neighbors.
I do have a china cabinet; it’s full of tea sets I’ve collected over the years. My inherited china is still in its box in the attic.
I actually did get stuck in something resembling quick sand a few years ago in a suburban front yard.
Weirdly the only consequence was eating lunch with my friend and her family wrapped in a dinosaur bedsheet.
I never learned to knit and mend and barely cook. I nave never wanted (or had) the responsibility of children or home ownership.
I have had part of a graduate degree and the (perfect for me) job as a file clerk at a major bank.
I surprised myself as much as anyone when I met my husband at 41. Married him at 43 and moved to a foreign country (Tokyo) with him from 43-45.
At 50 we became the parents of a long-haired mini dachshund who is convinced she is a people.
I’m 61 now and there has never been a day I would have traded my life for a house in the suburbs, a picket fence and 2.5 kids.
You have to live the life that suits who you are.
Also, reading is akin to oxygen and bookcases count as decorating.
This is the hill I will die on 🙂
Amen.
Yes on the flying car! I have a friend who invented one and tested it as far as I know just waiting for funding for production. You reminded me to check in on him, it has been years.
My childhood expectations had to do with mansions with endless rooms full of exotic pets and horses. Heh, kind of like the fiction I read. In real life, I have come to prefer a right sized bungalow and 2 perfect cats. But it doesn’t feel like settling. Keeping up a huge mansion with or without staff would be annoying and so would wrangling a menagerie. The things I like to spend my time on I discovered as I went through life.
Hehe
I thought my life would be full of large dinner parties like my grandparents and parents. With people judging me for my cooking and house decorating and china and flatware. One of the first things I bought as an adult was a 20 place setting Wedgwood bone china set. Then crystal stemware for 12 including apertif glasses! I was all set if the queen came to call.
Then one day I realized: No. I am an introvert who is fully capable of hosting parties and can cook for a large crowd: true. But… I don’t enjoy the formality and judgement and expectation.
So I have made a great deal of effort to surround myself with genuine people who come to see me, spend time with me, and don’t care if I used the right napkins.
So.. I started donating and selling everything that didn’t suit my real life. Decided hosting game nights for my friends and the rare holiday for my family is what I enjoy.
I didn’t realize when I was young that protecting my peace and setting strong boundaries is something I am entitled to.
Wonderful.
Happy belated birthday Mod R! Hope the year ahead is your best so far!
I have a china cabinet, from my grandmother, but none of us wanted the actual china (as the eldest, I had first dibs). The cabinet comes in handy now that I live in a house of roughly the same vintage (ca. 1920). Closets were not a thing when this place was built. The cedar wardrobe my parents bought at auction in the 70s is also in use in the hall (open floor plans also not a thing a century ago).
For most of my YA life, switching from daytime to nighttime required taking off coveralls, and quite often a shower as well. I gave up on cosmetics in college – Irish skin didn’t tolerate them well, and it definitely freed up time in the morning as well as room in the budget. However when I did dress up, the shock on male friends’ faces was most satisfactory.
Things I thought would be a problem: for those growing up Roman Catholic and attending parochial school in the 60s, nuclear strikes were in a dead heat with martyrdom (and, of course, could potentially be combined for convenience). Also, persecution by Protestants. The neighbors on our block were okay, of course. Beyond that, who could say? Joined the Episcopal Church in my 30s; haven’t persecuted anyone yet. 😀
And now we have communicators, but no phasers. Truly, life is unfair.
But no tricorders. Its good we have no phasers, because man…
Yeah, target-rich for sure.
Let’s see. Well, first there are the husband and children that I didn’t get—everyone I knew who wanted them just got them along the line and it didn’t occur to me that I wouldn’t. Then there was retiring early with a good retirement income—I am 65 and the only reason I can semi-retire is due to support from family, sigh. Yes, there was definitely the largish two-story house with hidden rooms and staircases—I am living in a nice apartment, at least. Needing a big table for the big family events—nope. I do have a china hutch. My grandpa made it for my grandma. It isn’t super fancy and is made from very high-grade plywood with nice veneers (they had this back in the day). I let the china go in the estate sale but do use the hutch for my teapots, cups and saucers, and so on. I don’t have anyone to leave my stuff to, however, and that makes me sad. I need to adopt some adult kids and some grandkids.
Other than that, I just thought my life would be completely different than it is now, that bigotry would be a thing of the past, that the work week would be 25-hours a week, and that I would have a hover car.
It never occurred to me that I could be an adult and still have teddy bears and play with LEGO and sit cross-legged on the floor. Those things I am happy about.
I used to watch the kite surfers and hangliders from the cliffs of Dallas Road in Victoria on Vancouver Island, and imagine it would be possible for me one day.
I’d bring music, a blanket and a book, on days I wasn’t well enough to walk.
On the plus side, while there are still days like that, there is also a warm fireplace, three soft purring grey cats and an actual hidden room behind my real bookcase (full of IA books)…
Thank you, ModR, for sharing this thought provoking post! The responses reminded me over and over again how unique and similar we truly are!
Thank you to the Horde for responding with all your varied perspectives!
My adulting goal was to get out of my parents house with a job with which I could live independently – goal met. Global travel was on the list but then went away as the need (urgency?) to be doing/ moving / being somewhere else faded. Power to everyone and their dreams – may they all come true! (Success in my book at this point in my life (post retirement) are fuzzy socks, fleecy pants, a blanket and a dead tree book)
Send peace, health and safety to all!
You must be a generation behind me. As Gen X, I fully expected to have to know how to cobble together my own escape vehicle by now.
To be fair, I kind of have. It just wasn’t as literal as child me expected.
I feel you – I‘m fifty (OMG….🙈) and look like a responsible adult on the outside. You know, work full time for decades now, pay taxes, bought a flat and stuff like that. But I still expect someone telling me some day that it‘s now time that I stop playing the adult and start REALLY being one 😂