ILONA ANDREWS

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Catching up

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Hi everyone, Mod R here.

I know I’ve been rather quiet lately, and that’s because I have so many emails to catch up on. I thought I would ask the Horde for help getting though some of them today, and give you all an insight into a regular work day as Mod R.

From: The Kitchens at Gertrude Hunt Flagged: Emergency

Subject: DISASTEROUS CATASTROPHE

Please send urgent corrections to the Halloween documentary. Chef Orro is taking this too far!

“One final thing and all is done: add a piece of thine own tongue.” Quillonians with lisps are not safe in a kitchen!

Worried regards,

Droplet

Oh dear. I knew suggesting Hocus Pocus for the Inn’s Halloween Movie Marathon was risky. Winnifred Sanderson’s grimoire is not a recipe book. Even if you do happen to be cooking for Caldenia.

From: Montgomery International Investigations, the office of the CEO
Out of Office: I’m way too busy suffering nobly in somber brooding masculine splendor to reply. Get in touch with one of my underlings.

I prefer talking to Lina anyway. Underlings. Heh.

From: Chernobog Matrimonials, A Match in the Darkness.
Subject: You have a new match!
DarkEeyore34 has checked out your profile. Interests in common: Anchutka care and feeding; Family: it’s complicated; Alexander Afanasyev.
You are both members of the I’m not Evil, I’m just Drawn that Way community.

Do you want to send DarkEeyore34 a reply raven?

Ooops, this isn’t very professional. I swear I was just checking skull fence posts one day, living my best Yaga life, and before I knew it I was signed up to this dating site. Moving right along.

From: Karion Adler
Subject: Info on corporate merger
Hi R,
Please find attached the articles of incorporation of Baena-Adler Corp. per the enquiries of the shareholder group known as “BDH”.
Ramona and that arrogant ass Matias played us all and it was a done deal before the wedding certificate ink dried. I have to give it to them, business is better than ever.
Greetings from Rada,
K

Woohoo! We’re going to be rich as soon as Kinsmen dividends kick in.

From: NuanCee’s Discount Book-shaped Objects
Subject: Baha-char store promotions
Greetings, esteemed R the Moderator. We have knowledge that most of your planet is heading towards its cold season. Are you depressed? Feel like you’re always the Banshee, never the bride? Asking for snuggles, and keep getting struggles? Stop by our store and we will fulfil all your romance-reading dreams, Baha-char style.

You haven’t lived until you’ve lived through Baha-char’s version of Black Friday. Two words: Koo-kos. Everywhere.

Maybe that’s three words.

From: Jack Camarine
Subject: Thanks
Please send my thanks to Ilona and Gordon. The chocolate and Killer Queen Chozokado figure arrived safely. I’m getting used to the quiet here. George is happy for me. Or just happy in general. I’m sure the Universe should fear this in some way.

Ok, this is probably not what my inbox looks like, and it was just a funny, because I am of the Horde and sometimes forget the characters aren’t real.

But can we ever really know for sure?

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Comments

  1. oh to have a real email from Kate or Curren. what would that look like I wonder. btw Mod R thanks for the light relief from a rainy England 😊

    • They might resume at some point 🙂 . At current time, House Andrews are completely under Maggie’s spell (which spells very exciting tidings for us).

  3. I am sure we all *hope* they are real.

    The worlds would be much better for folks like HA writes…

    (Thanks for taking such good care of the blog. We do appreciate it. It would not be the same without you.)

  7. Thank you, Mod R!!
    Your email is certainly more interesting than mine, and brightened up a somewhat gray day.

  11. Wouldn’t it be scary AND fabulous if your In Box really did look like that?

    Also, you have been keeping company with House Andrews too long and your writing of even fun snips is very entertaining. If you wanted great mentors to teach you about writing, you couldn’t do better!

  12. “George is happy for me. Or just happy in general. I’m sure the Universe should fear this in some way.”

    Bwahahahahahahaha!! Rolling

    • Droplet is a character introduced in Sweep of the Heart (https://ilona-andrews.com/innkeeper-chronicles-books/#soth).
      She is one of Orro’s new kitchen staff who helped him cater the Intergalactic Bachelor event:
      “ Chef Adri also sent a plating specialist from his personal restaurant, a Vaskebiorn, who, contrary to the innkeeper nickname for their species, didn’t look like a raccoon except for her hands. She looked like an odd, yet devastatingly adorable hybrid of a fox, squirrel, and monkey with short golden fur, and her dexterity was off the charts. Her name was Droplet, and she and Orro had already clashed twice. He tried to bully her by raising his quills, and she smacked him on the nose with a pastry bag.”
      Andrews, Ilona. Sweep of the Heart, Innkeeper Chronicles 5. NYLA 2022. Kindle Edition, page 58

  20. Black Friday is not a big thing here like it is in America, but shopping in the bazaar at Baha Char is a dream of mine.

    • I do not like them in a House, I do not like them on a mouse (or, on a harnessed ferret, as the context applies).
      I want to be eeeeeeeeeeeebil and wish Pancakes a relationship that puts him through the proverbial ringer. Although he was pretty awesome in Ruby Fever when he did that “everyone looks like Catalina” trick, even I have to admit!

      • But, what if he did it all for his brother….. (Although my brain is currently mush, so I could be mis-remembering things here)? Would you like him better then?

  22. What do you mean THEY AREN’T REAL??

    ModR, you are the bestest. This was awesomely fun.

    Once our Kinsmen dividends kick in can we have a group outing to Baha-char to spend them?

    Please keep us posted on the DarkEyeore34’s match. 😉

    • Of course they‘re real, don‘t you remember The Velveteen Rabbit?

      There was a Disney short film along this line last night (Sun.) on TV (Once upon a Studio(?)). After the people leave, all the characters come out to play, wandering around the halls (heroes & villains, and the side characters too). It was to commemorate Disney‘s 100th anniversary this year.

  25. I’m happy Baha-char knows about the different Earth hemispheres. Some of us aren’t heading into the coldest season.

  27. This is hilarious Mod R, or should I say Countess Modacula. 🤣🤣🤣

    Woo-hoo to the shares the Horde has from the Beana-Adler group. We’re a sneaky bunch. 😁

    Thanks for the funny inbox. Now what to get in Baha-char? 🤔

    • By the way, Mod R, I have it on good authority that DarkEeyore34 is approved by those living in the Hundred and Five Hundred Acre woods. 😉

      Have fun on your date!

  30. Thank you!! Ah, to be in Baha-char.
    I’d be adventurous and visit a shop owned by Clan Nuan and bargain for loungewear made of fonari spider silk, a blood sword, the animated saga of Olasard, a rassa or goren puppy ( matters what I need to feed them), a high storage data core and last but not least, Orro’s donuts!

    Moducular, I wish you and Roman luck😍

  31. No, we can never be sure they don’t exist. There is no conclusive way to prove their non-existence. Thus, they likely do. Hence proved.

    • He’s taking a well-deserved retreat according to SOTH 🙂:

      “ “Jack is on Harriblex somewhere,” Gaston answered. “He told me that for the first time in years he doesn’t have to worry about George or Sophie. I asked him what he wanted to do with his downtime, and he told me he would get a house in the woods and not see anyone for a couple of years. He claimed it would be the best vacation he could get and that he more than earned it.”
      Andrews, Ilona. Sweep of the Heart, The Innkeeper Chronicles 5. NYLA 2022. Kindle edition, page 84

  34. Considering that recent research is supporting the idea that the universe may well be a simulation, well….maybe the “characters” are just Ilona and Gordon transcribing real beings living elsewhere.

    • That’s been my theory for years! House Andrews has carefully cultivated portals and they bring us awesome stories from all of the real worlds they get to travel 😍

  37. Well, to paraphrase Albus Dumbledore: why should they be less real just because they live in our heads?

    Thanks for the peek into your mailbox. If these are your legit emails, I wonder what your spam looks like. 😉

    • The spam is probably full of all those Dr. Love (or whatever his name was, I think it started with a B, Babaloba?), the voodoo-ish doctor that would put love spells on people that used to post on here. 😄

    • I want to see some of your junk (spam) emails Esteemed R, The Moderator. Please share some more!?

      Thank you for the chuckles and good luck with DarkEeyore34.

  40. when there’s no activity it means they are spending all their creative energy on new books!

  42. Who did George marry? And Klaus?
    And seconding others, Mod R, you create a lovely environment for us to hang out in!

    • George is in a happy relationship with Sophie Mar (Lark), who is queen of her own planet.
      We don’t know that much about Klaus, he is a mystery wrapped in an enigma, and that’s on purpose 🙂

  43. Love it!
    I think Jack and Katat should go on a blind date! In fact, I would pay good money to watch it!

    • YES. That would be absolutely perfect. I wonder if they would become entangled in ❤️ or go straight to 🗡️🗡️?

  44. Robert Heinlein wrote a book, The Number of the Beast, which postulates that any imagined universe actually exists and it is possible to travel to them. Would that were true!

  45. Where is Jack and why is it so quiet there?

    Seriously needed this today. NuanCee’s book lure is 100% righteous.

    • He’s on a forest retreat 😀
      “Jack is on Harriblex somewhere,” Gaston answered. “He told me that for the first time in years he doesn’t have to worry about George or Sophie. I asked him what he wanted to do with his downtime, and he told me he would get a house in the woods and not see anyone for a couple of years. He claimed it would be the best vacation he could get and that he more than earned it.”
      Andrews, Ilona. Sweep of the Heart, The Innkeeper Chronicles 5. NYLA 2022. Kindle edition, page 84

  47. I like your new icon Mod R. These characters seem so real it is hard not to know what happens to them.

  48. Of course they are real. They have grown up and have a life of their own, and we thank you both so very very much. Each one is as precious as gold and we can’t wait to hear the next adventure. I recommend your book to anyone who draws breath. People sometimes actually avoid me. (“Oh no, is it too late to run? Witch Ilona Andrews book is she going ro rave about next? Quick, I see an alley.”)

    • And if that alley turns out to be Unicorn Lane, they’re the ones in trouble for not listening to you! 😀

  49. Love it. Thank you! BTW, please do all possible to ensure Orro does not get ahold of a copy of ‘The Anarchist’s Cookbook.”

    • That actually made me guffaw out oud! Thanks!

      Mind you, I worked in Berkeley, California for many years, so I may have been picturing Orro at the Peoples’ Park protests and arguing nose-to-nose with Alice Waters…

  51. Is now a good time to mention that I’ve got an entire Jack book plotted?

    I don’t write fanfic, but if I did…

    Come on! Jack deserves his moment in the spotlight!

  54. Mod R, you are one very talented writer! Love your inbox – wish they were for true. 😄
    Also, I meant to mention before that your new avatar is great!

  57. The out of office reply was my absolute fave. I very much enjoyed the fairytale link as well. Thank you for this.

  58. can’t be the real inbox, not enough spam about how the warrenty for your ship is about to expire. 🤣

    • And, THIS IS THE FINAL NOTICE, Open immediately.

      Your auto warranty has expired.

      How many of the USA BDH receive this final notice three or more times a year.

    • 😀

      Or how about “we’re sorry, the ship you are trying to get to is no longer in business. Please check the name and try again. Thank you.”

  61. Ah, you too, are a hero! Thanks for the glimpse into the inner workings of House Andrews. You made my day!

  65. Thanks for the laughs Mod R…this made my day. You’re the best!

    Question: if the BDH believes the characters are real, won’t that let us ‘believe’ them into existence? Maybe the characters ARE already real! (In any case, they’re already more real than some ‘real’ people I know!) 😂

  66. As a proud member in good standing of the BDH, I proudly take my BDH tote with me. it holds important things. My water bottle, my ID and, most importantly, my tablet which holds my copies of all House Andrews works. (Um in both Kindle AND Nook formats. I believe in not taking chances with important reading material. I also have printed copies of the Kate Daniels and The Edge books. No, I do NOT have OCD, and keep out of my medicine cabinet. )

    Mod R, I think I can speak for all faithful BDH members when I say — we love ❤️ 😍 💖 ❣️ you with all our frenzied hearts.

    • I don’t have a Kindle, but I do have my books on my Nook and have the Barnes and Noble app on my phone and mini iPad. I agree with not wanting to take chances with important reading material.

      So, you are not alone with your reading material paranoia. 🙂

  67. Thank you! I need some levity and escapism right now. You don’t hear it often enough but you are wonderful, not to mention very creative. PS I would get on Roman’s mom’s good side ASAP

  68. In my farfetched wildest dreams, I think that authors aren’t creating new worlds and characters that we learn to love, but are actually tapping into an alternate universe which talks to them thru the magic of hope. I mean if you read the some authors, it’s just amazing all of the strings that get tied up neatly at the end of the series. Other part of the dream is to get transported there. LOL

    Thanks ModR, needed a good chuckle today.

  69. Hilarious! Sometimes I feel like these book characters are more real and certainly more entertaining than my real life. Thank you for the chuckles 🤭

  70. Note to Bucky
    Hey Bucky hope Hugh, is not being too much of an ass, macho jerk and giving you plenty of carrots like a good equine human should !
    Love ,
    Cuddles
    P.s. I always have an ear to what’s going round you know…

  71. Very cute and entertaining. A perfect lunchtime pick me up. I’m ready for a Baha-Char Black Friday shopping experience!

  73. This made me so happy! Thank you Mod R 🙂
    I feel like “Asking for snuggles, and keep getting struggles” describes my week accurately

  76. working on the budget and this showed up in the inbox. Mod R, you’re the best! Thanks for best email I’ve read all month. Eh, wait, is this only the 12th?????

  77. Loved it.

    DarkEeyore34 you’ve nailed the BDH’s secret fantasies, or should it be Esteemed R the Moderator?

    Looking forward to the shopping trip in Baha Char using our Baena-Adler corp money 😀

  78. Mod R, would it be ok to remind everyone that the Ashland Library benefit auction has started? I forgot to put a reminder in my calendar and just clicked on my open tab to check and saw that it started yesterday.

    Alas, the IA contribution is already out of my budget, but there’s a lot of other nice things on there too! Hopefully they’ll be able to raise a lot of money! (I LOVE libraries and that one has such wonderful author chats.) 😊

    Thanks! 🤗

      • Yes, not that it’s a contest or anything …. but I couldn’t help noticing that the House Andrews and Jeanine Frost offerings are #1 and #2 in the bidding wars by quite a significant margin.

        Uhm – what those bids say about the relative sanity of their respective fans, I am not prepared to speculate…

  82. Hilarious! Thanks, Mod R!

    And makes me think: What is House Andrews’s position on fan fic? I feel like the BDH could usefully distract ourselves coming up with vignettes of minor characters while waiting for Maggie to emerge….

      • Well, that totally makes sense (and obligatory shout out to Cory Doctory for forcing the issue long ago, so that not quashing fan fic doesn’t negate copyright).

        I was kind of envisioning something like an Exquisite Corpse here in the comments. A few lines from the perspective of Beast. Then Caldonia’s divorcée friend who’s so free with her wifi. Or the Rhodesian ridgeback withe the excellent nose….

        • No dialogue or scenes written with the characters please, those comments would be moderated 🙂.

  88. OK, the next Innkeeper story has got to have a Baha-char style Black Friday, complete with koo-kos!

  98. I really enjoyed this.. As I am currently on several Dating sites. I read this and snorted hot tea out my nose.. lol The profiles I have had to Block.. lol Anyway love all your books.. cant read anymore but now listen and love them even more on audio. Keep them coming please..

  99. Your last sentence reminds me of how I felt right after the late, great Sir Terry Pratchett passed. I immediately re-read every single Discworld book. And when I finished I had a thought; “somewhere, Discworld is real.” The adventures haven’t ended. Just our window into them. And that gave me a bit of peace.

    I have to say, I am extremely interested in more correspondence from Roman.