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ILONA ANDREWS

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Explain the Plot Badly

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It’s Monday! Before you boo, we’re ushering in a week when classic museum heists are back on the news, the clocks are about to turn back, and it’s hard to focus pocus on anything but tricks and treats.

The immortal Texan wereferret hedgehog diaspora fun in Friday’s comment section have once again proven that we are a mighty Horde in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades and mischief). What better time to encourage a little creative BDH chaos?

There are famous subreddits called Explain a Book (or Movie) Plot Badly, where people summarize beloved stories so inaccurately, they become masterpieces.

Think:

Professional nephew goes on long walk and loses jewellery.

Lord of the Rings

Or:

Girl lands her man after she dries her hair, shows off her legs and stops talking.

The Little Mermaid

Naturally, we must try this with Ilona Andrews books. Here’s my go at the first one:

Ex-warlord with attachment issues discovers the power of cows, gardening, and unconditional love after cursing at a unicorn.

I know you can do worse!

Pick an Ilona Andrews book, novella, or even a free snippet and explain the plot badly in the comments. Be as misleading as possible while staying technically accurate. If your summary makes another reader snort tea out their nose or makes Ilona message me with “MOD R, NO!” you’re doing it right.

Go forth, BDH. Confuse newcomers, alarm Goodreads, and make Caldenia proud.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Mod R, you are so cruel is it delicious. I look forward to reading all of the Hordes demented efforts.

  3. Slavic Expat tries to hide from her father who just wants her to make him proud. She meets the love of her life in a dark building in unsavory part of town while greeting him with Here Kitty Kitty.

  6. A woman with major daddy-issues bounces from man to man trying to find the answers on who killed her surrogate father in a magic infested world.

  7. P.I. hired to find a missing son who is planning to do bad things. gets kidnapped and suffers from Stockholm syndrome. 🤣

  10. Women falls in love with lion after seeing it wrestle with a squip creature of Slavic mythology and later traps him in a cage as a gesture of love.

    Kate Daniels book 2 and 3

  11. Woman tells a little white lie about what’s on her mind only to have her overbearing boss’ aunt marry her off.

  13. Government-backed treasure hunter grows her own guard dog, then brings it home to meet her kids.

  14. oldest sister almost gets her house caught on fire while being courted by a maniac and a madman.

  18. Woman with anger issues and man who sheds a lot have a difficult courtship amid various apocalypses.

  21. Woman and child are brutally kidnapped and forced to live in a onion, finds peace after realizing she is the real power

  22. After saving a young boy from suicide a woman falls hopelessly into friendship with his sister. she encourages her new friend to shelter with her family in their time of need providing the protection so desperately needed during a tumultuous times.
    catalina and runa could have been a hot item!

  24. Loner girl with daddy issues can’t keep her shoes clean while looking for true love in all the weird places.

  25. Orphans learn the power of love and magic as they battle the forces of evil. Also, Walmart sells shoes at an affordable cost.

  38. “It’s beginning to look a lot like Nechists…” pagan hermit celebrates the holidays in style while seeking his lost cookies and eggnog.

  39. A refugee and her boss fight immaginary wars in their mind and end up falling for each other once the boss sees her in an imaginary mind battle.

    Silver shark

  41. Girl that loves a pointy stick – frequently pokes said stick at evil nasty things and somehow survives with a baby lion, a homicidal maniac mate, and queenship in her happily ever after

  43. A galactic Airbnb hostess tries to stop an interplanetary war by inviting three species who hate each other to share snacks. “So annoyed that you murdered my guests, but don’t forget to try the chicken!”

  44. A young woman takes up her parents’ profession, where secrecy is paramount, in the hopes of finding clues to their sudden and mysterious disappearance. Local law enforcement is suspicious of her activities.

    When danger stalks and mauled bodies start showing up – she decides she must take matters into her own hands and defend her domain, going so far as to call on a family friend in order to barter groceries for a lethal arsenal.

    • Intergalactic uptight hybrid he-man hero becomes an exhibitionist with the taste of coffee and ends up eating a flower to save his soon to be true love.

  46. Middle aged divorced mother of two gets lost, wanders around for a week while her employer sits on their hands and ends up adopting a dog.

  52. Childhood friends reunite to join a fight over a fancy toy box and discover the nutritional benefits of eating organ meat.

  53. Space chicken saves the day! A werewolf and girl who run an inn help when they aren’t too busy with Halloween yard decorations.

  54. Girl struggles to maintain her household as overbearing grandparents pile on more work.

    Struggles include irresponsible employees that we love (they saved the “baby”); irresponsible employees that we don’t love; and hot heartbreakers that keeping stealing the pies.

  60. Loving mother must cope with her family where the husband is out of work and her sons fight and won’t talk to her. Also, her nephew keeps trying to kill her cat!

  61. Young and ancient Felidae transmogrifier rescues a group of magic mushroom-hunting hominids from a hungry monster bent on destroying a refueling depot. Everyone is saved! (No dogs were injured or killed!)

    Cheers!

  62. Woman who runs a bed and breakfast hides a body in Costco and her neighbor pees on her things. One of her guests drinks coffee and runs around naked, while the permanent guest is an older, retired lady. The woman uses her broom to protect local dogs.

  63. a friendless person rides a horse around a crumbly Atlanta and pokes people with their sword till monsters appear. Then either attempts to be friendly or kills the monster. They are fastidious about cleaning up their blood.

  64. Sister with middle-child syndrome wrenches family business from older sister for her own good and falls in love with super sexy Cinderella-man

  67. Couple becomes HOA presidents accidentally after killing a toddler fae god that demands blood sacrifices.

    A magically overqualified teenager runs away from home, adopts a murder horse, and accidentally becomes the most terrifying babysitter in Atlanta.

  68. A werehyena business owner and a gun-toting beastkin PI break up, fight snake gods, argue about ethics, and somehow end up engaged because murder and magic are apparently great couples therapy.

  69. A PI is forced to find ‘very hot’ missing bad boy only to get kidnapped by a reclusive (secretly heroic) gorgeous dragon. They then go on adventures in a swamp, pick up a Bug and the mysterious dragon helps the PI to save the city.

  70. Okay… this one has “a bit of movie magic” in it:

    In a galaxy, far, far away, a magic seed, planted in secret, bends the minds of a select few by torturing the rules of physics until the very fabric of existence is questioned. Patrons are welcome to stay, but management controls the very air they breathe.

    (This is such a fun exercise! But I will limit it to two, too.)

    Cheers!

  71. Magic girl meets magic boy, they fall in love and go on to do magic stuff together.
    Kate Daniel’s Series, Inn Keeper Series, Edge Series

  73. Man who hates the festive season ends up felling an evergreen, serving eggnog to guests, and reuniting with childhood not-friend.

  75. The quiet sister is hired to spy on her sister’s soon to be inlaws during the wedding celebration visit. She causes chaos at the rehearsal, there is a theft, bloodshed, and attempted murder. It is always the one you least suspect. Diamond Fire

  78. Georgia belle moves to Texas to take over derelict inn – deftly managing the everyday stresses of discouraging cannibalism and protecting apple trees from urinating werewolves and coffee-drunk naked vampires.

  81. Natural blonde teams up with her kidnapper to cath an egotistical pyrokinetic with mummy issues and falls in love in the meantime – with the kidnapper, despite the pyrokinetic being hot. Because the kidnapper has post traumatic stress disorder to deal with and she likes a challenge.

  82. Woman vigorously reconstructs her inn many times.

    Woman goes to great lengths to befriend German Shepherd.

    Family does not know they are Primes despite being stronger than everyone around them.

  83. A disgraced chef is lured by the promise of an intergalactic comeback by preparing the meals of delegates from several warring planets during a peace summit. While there, he discovers his talent shines no matter how large or small the stage.

  85. Older man with many children stalks younger woman with daddy and cat issues; and invites her to be dinner.

  86. An undercover boss begins working for a rival company and catches feelings for the head of the company. She is torn between revealing her true identity or staying quiet to finish her mission, but a family crisis may take that decision out of her hands. What will happen when the object of her affection learns the truth?

  87. Elderly Dragon carries previous rider’s daughter to the capital for unknown adventures. Impresses man in pink. More to come?

  89. Small business owner and retired soldier decide to run a dating show featuring a fish and a cat as two of the contestants.

  90. Treasure finder mage sacrificed by her guard, struggles to survive weird world with powers from her alien mother and predator eating dog companion.

  92. Megalomaniac grandmother with a god-complex manipulates grandchildren in order to get pretty and powerful great-grandchildren

    Or

    In escape to the country: Disgraced army commander and Merlin’s lost heir team up to buy a castle for their extended family.

  93. Just this morning I was talking on the phone to my adult son about the Edge books and finishing the last (he started complaining there were only 2 Wilmington books and I said House Andrews was diverted by Maggie the Undying). Anyway I went on to tell him that there was going to be a new book in the House series, which he particularly liked, especially the ferrets. So I told him, well,”remember the guy who could turn into anything?” “What? No.” “You know, the detective family worked for him in the first book? Oh. Yes well, he has just finished up a job where he turned into a woman, that’s why I described him as being turned into anything. Anyway, his new client is the sister of the guy with the ferrets. She offers him a job he can’t refuse, and that’s where the snippet ends. So this story will have animals.” Could any description of a story be worse?

  94. Mind-controlled mass-murderer marries mind-bending horror from outside reality.
    Reminds me of Gondre the Wandsmith’s videos on YouTube. ‘Movie where the kid marries his babysitter’; Attack of the Clones. He’s fun and a little twisted.