It’s Monday! Before you boo, we’re ushering in a week when classic museum heists are back on the news, the clocks are about to turn back, and it’s hard to focus pocus on anything but tricks and treats.
The immortal Texan wereferret hedgehog diaspora fun in Friday’s comment section have once again proven that we are a mighty Horde in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades and mischief). What better time to encourage a little creative BDH chaos?
There are famous subreddits called Explain a Book (or Movie) Plot Badly, where people summarize beloved stories so inaccurately, they become masterpieces.
Think:
Professional nephew goes on long walk and loses jewellery.
Lord of the Rings
Or:
Girl lands her man after she dries her hair, shows off her legs and stops talking.
The Little Mermaid
Naturally, we must try this with Ilona Andrews books. Here’s my go at the first one:
Ex-warlord with attachment issues discovers the power of cows, gardening, and unconditional love after cursing at a unicorn.
I know you can do worse!
Pick an Ilona Andrews book, novella, or even a free snippet and explain the plot badly in the comments. Be as misleading as possible while staying technically accurate. If your summary makes another reader snort tea out their nose or makes Ilona message me with “MOD R, NO!” you’re doing it right.
Go forth, BDH. Confuse newcomers, alarm Goodreads, and make Caldenia proud.
Damaged man with drinking problem finds love with a dessert goddess
Spelunking trip goes horribly wrong for a working Mom. Finds hidden strength and new meaning for faithful companions. And office politics can really suck.
A changeling and a necromancer stowaway on a Wyvern in order to avoid punishment.
Father end his life to allow son to fully review all sexual positions with checklist.
Stockholm Syndrome, but with fire apocalypse and eventual HEA
Burn for Me
A book where dead people are actually useful for the People
Queen of the sea meets king of the land in a virtual realm and took out the trash together
Woman come back to the town she grow up after years working as a sucessfull career as the second in comand of a new powerfull group enterprise and meet ex love interest while dealing with family drama.
thank you Mod R, i was having a bad day and really needed a good laugh. this is great !
Helen “The Ripper” maims and kills.
Cat lady with daddy issues solves mysteries in the American South.
Lady falls in love with the man who urinated on the trees at her workplace after growling at her dog.
Woman with beautiful singing voice meets a prince who wants to “Calgon” take her away however she would rather run away with her true love pauper. The classics never die
Poor motherless tomboy with daddy issues builds an army of a family and traps her dad forcing him to spend time her and his new family.
Pretty blond ,meets hunk, they flirt,,big guy shows up ,and drop his drawers.
They all fight a bad guy , and the guys leave..
Poor motherless tomboy with daddy issues builds an army of a family and traps her dad forcing him to be a parent
Woman and unstable sidekick try to prevent fires in Texas.
Woman finds her moody boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s missing husband.
Woman cooperates with a large cat to catch a killer.
Woman enters competition to win a rock.
Woman raised in abusive home falls in love with homicidal alcoholic. Lives happily ever after.
A quirky Grandma mechanic puts to use her beloved war machines to protect her family from magical dingbats.
Texas gal stands her ground at home and the local Costco.
Woman fights with her dad then marries a cat she once found in an abandoned building.
OMG, this is spectacular 🤣
+1
1.Man digs moat; rescused by eldritch horror.
2.Woman goes to Walmart, brings home husband.
Assassin defeats target with pastries
Small town business owner juggles bored vetrans, fussy chefs, scheming politicians and opinionated chickins!
Woman climbs endless stairs and stabs people with a knife after killing her aunt.
girl with cat beats father.
A Hot Stalker keeps killing potential witnesses, all while trying to protect dog rescuing heroine from crazy rich guy.
girl shot dog, saw angel, and took back the apples.
P.I. finds Hurricane.
Lady with anger issues stabs a bunch of people in an illegal fighting ring and finally gets stabbed back (sort of) and kidnapped, leading to a bunch of furries fighting in a flying Taj Mahal.
Alternatively, lady and her hot stalker wannabe boyfriend shop for a rock and they a their friends go murder a bunch of people about it.
I’m re-listening to the GA audiobooks and am almost finished with this one. One of my faves! 😁
Boss girl with daddy issues and abandonment issues adopts a kitty and finds a new family.
Local woman just trying to do her job, keeps tripping over international playboy.
While on vacation, lady completes work project and bonds with abandoned dog while coworkers shirk at the office.
Super spy with crazy jitters worships his dog while playing with technology and craving his next hit.
Human lie detector with family drama falls for wrecking ball kidnapper who doesn’t understand boundaries.
The details of what happens after workplace safety procedures and regulations aren’t followed.
😂 A true cautionary tale!
Friends negotiate an interstellar treaty using the power of porn.
(A Mere Formality)
Orphan Airbnb hostess armed with broom defends property rights against aliens.
Reality dating show for galactic warlords hosted by overworked orphan.
Recovering warlord learns about agriculture and marries mortal enemy for tax reasons.
Step brother publicly mocks step sis for being a princess with delusions and daddy issues, until her cuz shows up saying, “ Yes, you whinger, there is some dragon claws!”
Mod R, this was brilliant! The BDH is hysterically creative! I clearly have to re- read my collection again!
This may be fun!
Grumpy girl with a sword and trust issues, argues with a sexy lion- man because why not show interest.
Meanwhile Atlanta keeps switching its WiFi on and off because hey
“Magic Bites” and it’s Tuesday.
Five year old hostage stabs kidnapper in throat. Rinse. Repeat.
Aliens, vampires, and werewolves walk into an inn — and somehow the broom is the most dangerous thing there
Brilliant!
Single mom gets lost at work and starts kicking ass and eating lees.
Ex-US ranger goes on journey figuring out his big brother issues.
A little late, but here’s mine:
Diamond Fire: Wedding almost derailed by entitled child.
(Could be Mia Rosa, Xavier, Conner’s adult relatives, or even Kelly Waller )
In honor of Halloween, I’m digging in the vault:
A psychometrist engages in a multiperspectivity interaction with an off-brand Lothario, which allows her to accept her true nature and adopt a dog.
All the biggest and baddest players in the city try not to strangle a pitiful woman that keeps sticking her nose into places it doesn’t belong. Success varies.
Magic Breaks: Woman finally confronts the father who abandoned her and becomes Queen of Atlanta after they fight.
Orphan helps street kid find career.
Woman stops a war with the power of home renovation.
Family explores new recipes for happiness upon discovery of magic freshwater clams.
Ex-tyrant secretly oversees “Love Island” for long lost relative.
Woman goes on a trip over the ocean, has a date with adopted brother, and a deep talk with local shepherd.
Deadly mercenary with daddy issues is stalked by a big cat and convinced to play house with him.
Man who runs foster home for demon-pets finds the Holiday spirit when he helps a runaway and his dog avoid kidnappers and tells off his deceased brother.
Monarch has picked his bride but decides to make her work very, very hard for it. Bachelorette contest involves killer trees, dancing fish, space chickens, languid cats, pirates, fluffy foxes, barbarians, vampires, and harmonious smothering.
Boy escapes cult by joining the Army. Boy escapes the Army by rejoining cult. Boy then avoids family by becoming an animal-hoarding hermit.
homeless woman with cat inherits hotel
Former drunk rides up to a castle on his unicorn to marry the queen
Child bully magnet grows up, joins organization of professional bullies, and is surprised when they bully her.
Girl saves her crush from giant spider.
Girl with impressive resume (plague prevention, etc) accepts position as assistant manager. While regular manager takes some convalescent leave, several employees attempt to kill her.
Haven’t seen this one yet.
Woman cleans out sticking junk drawer, sends brother and grandma on a sightseeing trip.
A child who grew up in a harsh, wild land is whisked away to a magical house where she learns to play, decorate, and be kind to others.
And the sequel…
After being wrenched away from the magical house, the young girl makes friends and enemies in a new place. She is placed in danger multiple times and is punished for telling the truth.
Woman with freaky weird blood powers, a habit of semi adopting troubled youths and an insanely powerful parent, falls for local Feline Monarch, semi-adopts *his* protege, discovers snarky dangerous ancient Aunt and ultimately has to face down her heritage…
Kate Daniels AND October Daye.
Woman attempts mariticide, daughter contemplates finishing the job.
A woman finds an orphaned kitty in the rubble that like most cats has a god complex.
Girl who ran away from her abusive dad adopts a cat.
Abandoned Widow & child is rescued from a hostile planet, receives a job offer and takes a second chance at love with an alien vampire lord.
Wife with daddy issues brings seafood home for dinner.
Adopted daughter decides to be two-faced to solve a murder while her long lost love receives an eye awakening revelation from an unexpected source.
Galactic Emperor seeks partner in multi-species dating show. Dancing fish and dancing assassin face-off in the final. Several trees were harmed in the making of this documentary.
Small Texas B&B’s entire business plan is renting to illegal aliens and has a permanent guest on house arrest.
Woman seeks revenge after a work accident forces her to try new foods
A wolf and his Angel hunt a murderer and end up fighting monsters in a hazardous waste dump.
Aging woman gets lost while caving but makes a new best friend along the way.
Illegal immigrant mind reader travels to another planet to become a secretary, conducts corporate espionage, drink pink wine, and have sex with her former boss like rabid monkey.
Biggest hint is pink wine.
This is NOT a House Andrews description but I saw this in a newspaper in 1998 regarding a classic movie that was airing and it stuck with me:
“Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three strangers to kill again”
Hint, her weapon of choice is a farm house.
That vicious killer, the infamous Dorothy!
Freelancer tries to invoice Atlanta for pest control, accidentally adopts a murder-cat with a crown
Boy reports dog kidnapped by pirates. Adventures follow. Later, he learns how to butcher hogs at family’s home.
A perceptive woman is mostly successful at training her new dog, even as she navigates a maze to get to cell reception before her phone dies.
Woman get her man to come back after interfering to get his employment terminated.
Dina book 2
Small business successes result in need for increased liability insurance for local family.
Sworn enemies crash a plane and then attend a dance party.
Man would rather scale a castle wall to spy on wife than ask her what she was doing
(I&C 2)
Knight Rider goes on a hunt on foot, nearly is killed, but succeeds after getting a Ride.
Family reunion, wherein child steals bacon, unexpected guests arrive, and gardening mishaps abound, all while staying in aunt’s off brand inn.
oooo!!! I missed this post!
“A Billionaire kidnapped the wrong girl and now has to pay for all the mayhem she and her family creates while saving Houston from Evil Grandma et al.”
A woman and her canine co-worker wander a cave system while she plots her resignation.
Girl with childhood trauma and major daddy issues:
kidnaps a latchkey kid
murders her aunt who was in town for business
becomes good at land-grabbing regardless of legal ownership
falls for a guy with weird food rituals
makes the dramatic final decision to go no/low-contact in response to her father’s desire to re-connect and be in his grandson’s life more.
Excellent!
Nice!
Girl who assumes every man wants to marry her, refuses to date until she finds she’s ever likely to meet.
Girl’s parents disappear, she buys an old B&B, boy next door makes fun of her, a soda loving senior citizen is her first guest, the boy next door and a possible guest have a pissing contest to make a claim, a hero shows up to separate them, the girl uses her broom to show them who is boss.
A cat lady struggles with family drama.
An emo man working in his family business helps a boy in troubled.
Finally thought of one!
Truth or dare meet-cute plus elemental hijinks leads to lasting romance.
Stay at home mom boards a luxury liner in order to commune with Celtic gods.
A beast stalks a newborn magical baby through a hospital and steals him away from his evil grandmother and secret grandfather.
Woman in Georgia who’s in love with a lion, says her dad want to kill her future son.
That feels a bit like those Florida Man posts to me 😅