OUR STORE: SHOP HERE

ILONA ANDREWS

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author

You are here: Home / Blog / Explain the Plot Badly

Explain the Plot Badly

Blog, Fun, Writing POST A COMMENT by

It’s Monday! Before you boo, we’re ushering in a week when classic museum heists are back on the news, the clocks are about to turn back, and it’s hard to focus pocus on anything but tricks and treats.

The immortal Texan wereferret hedgehog diaspora fun in Friday’s comment section have once again proven that we are a mighty Horde in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades and mischief). What better time to encourage a little creative BDH chaos?

There are famous subreddits called Explain a Book (or Movie) Plot Badly, where people summarize beloved stories so inaccurately, they become masterpieces.

Think:

Professional nephew goes on long walk and loses jewellery.

Lord of the Rings

Or:

Girl lands her man after she dries her hair, shows off her legs and stops talking.

The Little Mermaid

Naturally, we must try this with Ilona Andrews books. Here’s my go at the first one:

Ex-warlord with attachment issues discovers the power of cows, gardening, and unconditional love after cursing at a unicorn.

I know you can do worse!

Pick an Ilona Andrews book, novella, or even a free snippet and explain the plot badly in the comments. Be as misleading as possible while staying technically accurate. If your summary makes another reader snort tea out their nose or makes Ilona message me with “MOD R, NO!” you’re doing it right.

Go forth, BDH. Confuse newcomers, alarm Goodreads, and make Caldenia proud.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Professional nosy girl seduces unemployed guy with honesty and cookies so she can move out of her mother’s house.

  3. Vampires from outer space seek refuge in a small country inn, and enlist a young woman and a werewolf in their quest to kill a wedding crasher.

  5. The door slammed. The maiden screamed. A shot rang out. Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon.

    Thanks, and a tip of the hat to Charles Schulz. Now I need to re-read Steel’s Edge.

  6. Woman whose husband cheats on her ends up with husband of the other cheating partner. They end up in a partnered dance-off with a pair of twins to save their home planet

  8. Unlikely adversaries unite to thwart the thieving plans of their cheating spouses, and making mincemeat of their enemies.

  9. Americans visit Europe and discover the joy of cave diving, garden design and shepherding
    Cheers ✨

  13. Divorced single mother navigates new reality after on the job accident.

    Forced into a new way of life after a gemstone gets lodged in her forehead while trapped in a collapsed cavern system she struggles to adapt.

    But with the help of new allies and the abandonned dog she adopts she fights her way back to what is most important in life, her children.

  15. After years of hiding her identity, a young woman uses her sword to secure her future. Along the way, she taunts the man of everyone’s dreams with her skills and forces him to save her multiple times. Eventually she learns how to use her magic for the good of the realm, creating a circle of food, family and love all with just a prick of her finger.

  16. Woman contemplates moving house and raising chickens while fighting dinosaurs and fairies in a creepy forest.

  17. Women brings home large, aggressive cat against her father’s wishes.

    Volunteer firefighter destroys government buildings.

  25. A mineral dowser goes caving with some coworkers, acquires a dog, consumes questionable substances and mutates in helpful ways in order to get home to her kids.

  26. Kidnapping victim snags reclusive billionaire by endangering his life during investigation.

  27. An unwanted suitor becomes responsible for sending young woman’s grandfather to his grave. She then proceeds to kill the man’s uncle.

  29. Woman with daddy issues and a sword breaks everything, finds a large cat and lives happily ever after.

  30. Recently arrived family of three force disbanding of multiple Wilmington organizations including local youth-focused recruiter known for aggressive tactics as well as the Irish Cultural Outreach and Extreme Free-Diving Society, within single 24 hour period. Events linked to multiple instances of property damage and one instance of catastrophic harm to local aquatic wildlife.

  32. A magical couple try to live a normal, suburban life but fail miserably and end up adopting prehistoric pets.

  33. A man pours all of his intellect & magic into making the world better and his daughter keeps telling him he’s doing it wrong. Oh, and she’s purposely going out with a guy who stands for everything he despises

  34. Mutual “Consorts” conquer a castle, decide retirement sucks, and gift talented researcher with an archeologists dream find all while teaching their son to not be a jerk to the regular folks. (Magic Claims)

  35. A young woman struggles with her childhood trauma in sand while attempting to solve a jewel related mystery

  36. Burn for Me: Private investigator digs for clues in rancid spaghetti, protects squirrels, fights against Peaches, and strolls for shirtless men in gardens.

    Magic Bleeds: Magic woman has a warm welcome with her long-lived aunt, they have tea/coffee and reminisce about past choices together.

    Magic Breaks: Consort and her merry group of friends complete a scavenger hunt in the city at night. They gossip about plums and prancing donkeys. Afterwards the consort gets to take a vacation at an unique sight-seeing destination. The food there left something to be desired, but she hung out until her consort joined her.

  37. Young Woman callously rejected by her finance goes off the deep end of society and ends up exacting her revenge through her gastrointestinal skills.

  38. Thank you so much for this blog post! it was fun to write some and really fun to read what others wrote.
    Great idea!

  42. Feminine undergarments are so important, that it’s a prestigious title in major guilds. The best one fights off all kinds of monsters in the breach, all while hearing voices in her head.

  44. Woman endures kidnapping, blackmail, and mansplaining, from a soldier with PTSD, while investigating domestic terrorism.

  45. Vampire jerk’s widow is snatched with daughter who says funny things, fights everybody, and ends up in the hospital.

  49. My favourite fairy tale — a noble on a quest accidentally finds a diamond in the rough and must complete three tasks to win her hand in marriage.

  52. Woman encounters pests while giving a run down b&b a new life. Guests and a neighbour help with eradication.

  54. Professional finder of lost objects is hired to find one man, catches the attention of another one. After an unknown artifact is eventually recovered, she gets her men and hands them both back. Some magic involved.

  56. In penance for killing family, Empress covertly retires to a backwater trade hub and subtly mentors her host in the fine arts of assassination prevention, interstellar politics, and personnel/entertainment event management.

  57. Professional monster hunter with daddy issues finds a job as city protector and ends up playing house with prehistoric lion.

  59. Mother of two gains new family pet after workplace health and safety incident.

    and

    Refugee commits crime but gets away with it because her boss wants to sleep with her.

    • Love your opening for the plot explanation, Bec!
      I hope you‘ll allow me to riff on it? With attribution, of course.

      Woman and dog, left for dead, go on an epic journey across hostile terrain – gathering critical enemy intel, making allies and battling monsters – to save the world, return home and prepare to repel the invasion.

      • Hm. Looking at this again, I think I got caught up and failed to meet the criteria “badly.”

  69. Man avoiding his family Christmas instead spends the day with extreme landscaping his front yard.

  75. Traumatized ex soldier is forbidden to strangle a woman with her dress and retaliates with making fun of chalk art

  79. Woman with daddy issues saves her town with help from a guy with multiple personalities, an ailurophile, and a guy in a dirty trench coat.

  81. A woman with a green ribbon entices man with bread and flowers.

    I think I’ll leave the bad synopsis to the rest of the BDH. 🤣

  82. Man and woman team up to consolidate power and carve up their enemies with sharp knives — without getting a drop of blood on their clothes. (Kinsmen)

  85. Middle aged woman goes spelunking with a dog. They both regret it and get grumpy about not getting home on time. The snacks are weird.

  86. Chick with a sharp stick and daddy issues irritates random cats in her mission to obscurely be awesome in secret.

  88. Wholesale shopping is comminuty building though flying cans weilded by knitters may fly in the this southern romp.

  90. After a tragic event derails her career, a CEO moves to a backwater planet to live a simple life of gardening and gossiping with neighbors. Through the magic of friendship and love, she realizes she is exactly where she needs to be and guides others to realize their full potential.

  91. Single mother wins over beau’s family while giving her precocious special needs daughter a safe place to be her true self.

  93. Ok. I have a few.

    – Mutated orphan battles hot god.
    – Anthropomorphic sodium pental and fetching inorganic juggler defeat an evil cadre of old money wizards.
    – Sharp-toothed war prince woos polyglot desert widow (with bonus stiletto-weiding baby child).

    • Ooo, this one! Lives alone with her cats!!
      Although I kinda want to add something about her renewed focus on house renovations.😺

  95. If you want someone, let them go. But if they don’t come back, chain them in your basement and marry them.

  98. Workplace Health & Safety violations cause woman & dog to take a long way home causing some destruction to local habitat. Boss agrees to settle for damages.

  99. The most beautiful man/woman in the world gives birth while hitting on his/her bodyguard to no avail.

  100. Girl who, while growing up, was deprived of water, repeatedly involved in incidents where mother’s life is put at risk.