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ILONA ANDREWS

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author

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Hidden Legacy: Quarantine Edition

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House Rogan: Wash your hands? Why? Who even uses hands for touching or fetching things?

House Pierce, cracking knuckles: What’s the temperature for this crap dying? 140F? Take a deep breath.

House Etterson: The problem with poisoning, I mean sterilizing the house is all the damn dead bugs that keep falling on the floor from random places.

House Harrison: Dogs can’t get it, right? Bunny, bring the groceries inside, please.

House Jiang: Nothing a pressurized jet of water won’t fix. Everything in the house in waterproof anyway.

House Madero: If I can’t see it, it’s not real.

House Montgomery: Finally our crime scene clean up crew has a chance to shine. You too may hire them to sterilize your living space. Please see our website for details and a personalized estimate…

House Kazarian: Did you know that winged scorpion cats have corrosive saliva? It only takes a swarm two hours to lick every surface in the house.

House Baylor: Wash your hands. Everyone, wash your hands and don’t touch your face. Have you washed your hands? Go ahead, lie to me. See how it goes for you.

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Comments

  13. LOL House Madero would be the first confirmed cases.

    Trust MII to look at this as a business opportunity.

    We need to protect Grandma Frida and Linus at all cost!

  20. Bug: I’m not going to [redacted][redacted] waste my [redacted] time washing my [redacted] hands because of some [redacted][redacted][redacted] germ! [redacted]!!

  22. I am chuckling quite hard now…. probably harder than is appropriate, so the quarantine might be getting to me after all. 🙂
    Love and digital hugs fly your way as thanks for this funny snippet

  28. Love you guys! You make my day!
    It’s quite difficult to be restrained in a certain area…. Can’t walk, can’t visit, can’t bike, can’t hike, can’t travel … and so on. I can read.
    But you make me so happy with these snippets that I feel link you gave me fuel…
    Thanks a lot! I love your work!!! ????
    PS. I washed my hands. Obsessively. ????

  31. Hahahahah I wouldn’t want to lie to Nevada, for sure.
    Thanks for this

  36. What about House Andrews?

    Perhaps: The second freezer is full! Raise the drawbridge and man the parapets!
    🙂

  40. OMG I needed this so badly. We are on Day 17 of a super strict quarantine ( I live in La Paz, Bolivia: my Air Force husband works for the US Embassy here). No-one is allowed on the streets after 12 p.m every day. Including for exercise. I can only shop for food one time per week based on the last digit of my ID card. Enforced by military and police roadblocks. Normally this is a bustling place… we live in the heart of one of the best neighborhoods (for La Paz, this is not exactly London or Paris) and across the street from a major hotel, normally this is a bustling and busy place. I went outside my house to throw away the garbage and between the utter silence and dead leaves blowing on the concrete sidewalks… and the homeless lady (poor thing) walking by .. . it was –truly — as though Thanos had snapped his fingers. The kids are starting to go a little crazy with online school and isolation (they haven’t left the house for 3 weeks) and while I”m dealing with things relatively OK, last night I couldn’t sleep at all, so I’m super tired on top of everything and find myself staring blankly at a mug of caffeine when I should be nagging the kids to do their homework (whee what fun) AND … it’s just getting to me, you know? Thank you SO much Ilona and Gordon and thank you to the online BDH community. I don’t post much but I read them all the time.

  47. Winged Scorpion Cats have corrosive saliva?! Who could have known it was a BAD IDEA to let them lick surfaces in the house?

  48. This is hilarious! I’d love to share it, but only my fellow HL lovers would get it

  52. House Baylor! Hahahaha
    I can imagine Nevada saying it xD

    Whee, other Houses made appearance. Feeling intrigued especially at the new names!

  55. House Baylor is the literal embodiment of my house right now! Love this, thank-you for keeping us sane! Hope you and yours are keeping safe. Xx

  57. So cool, I love all the houses individual solutions to this pandemic .
    Especially, house Harrison, just love Bunny. And house Madero, if they can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.
    I think Runa could make a fortune disinfecting houses. Could she cure an individual? How are poisons different from viruses? I don’t have any medical background to answer.
    Just love to speculate.
    Then you have Linus. Don’t know enough about his power to see how he would deal w the pandemic.
    Thank you for this slice of Hidden Legacy pandemic .

    • How broadly can he assemble things? There are a lot of sterilization devices – I’m thinking “everything that passes through this door” type things… and then a UVC cannon for the folk who test his patience.

  59. House Madero sounds like some of the worlds political leaders ????????????????????!
    Stay safe and as sane as possible!
    And wash your hands! ????
    Greets from Switzerland
    Inga

  60. This is great! Hmm, I wonder if the beings summoned from other dimensions can get it, though.

    • Oh hunnis. Just perfection. One of the BAJILLION reasons we enjoy your work so much is the relentless CONSISTENT character development. Pouring rain icy cold this really helps.

    • Strong breezes can clear this stuff right out. (Pops neck) Ok folks, hang on to your hats and grab a hold of something tied down.

  72. Thanks, I enjoyed this. You mentioned a couple of new houses, too? I’m looking forward to the next book! Have a good day. Stay safe.

  73. Haha! I just finished (a reread) of Hidden Legacy/ Wildfire this morning. I don’t know how many times I laughed aloud at some of the snark from everyone. Thank you again for a really enjoyable series, it lifted my week and then this falls right in line.

  92. Wonderful. I needed the laugh. This would be a great poster to hang next to the door, and next to the bathroom sink.

  96. Teehee, thank you so much for the laugh! Definitely needed 🙂 Please stay safe everyone x

  97. Thank you. So glad that you haven’t had a sense of humour failure in all this chaos. Although at the moment the bar between fact and fiction seems very narrow. It’s the first time I have dreaded April fool’s as I was certain I would not be able to tell fact from fiction!

  100. hahahaha! we’ve already been on lockdown for 3 weeks now(as in literally not left the house not even for grocery) and don’t see it ending before may 1. your snippets make my life a little easier 🙂

  103. Thanks for this gift, a very welcome chance to laugh and get a sneak peek at the Hidden Legacy world. Eagerly awaiting Emerald Blaze, I’m going to be really miffed if this pandemic changes the publishing date!

  104. I didn’t realize how much I needed this today until I was reading it and laughing out loud. Thank you so much, Ilona & Gordon! In what’s quickly becoming a constant state of dull waiting for things to “get worse before they get better” and being expected to actually be productive at work, you two are bringing a very bright ray of sunshine. Thank you! I only hope that you don’t burn yourselves out to bring light to the rest of us. Take care of yourselves, too!

  105. I’d hire House Montgomery like that if they were real and could really stearilize my entire home…

    Although I also like Harrison’s practical solution. ????

    Too bad cat’s aren’t big on taking orders, I’m sure my biggest Norwegian forest cat (9 kilos and 60 cm, not including the tail, of gigantic cat) could carry quite a lot of groceries… ????
    I could load him up like a cat version of a tiny arabella pony and send him to the store… ????

    • At which point, being a cat, he’d promptly lie Down and just give you his most imperious stare when you attempt to get him to move.

      Cats. Gotta love them and acknowledge that they are better than you.

  109. Bless you.
    (Yesterday I did stuff with plants, which was therapeutic. Today I need to get through 80 pages of a favorite student’s senior honors thesis – I do love the project, and he took care of my cats – and then back to grants. Of course, I’ve been joking with friends about methods for homemade tattoos, and a sometimes girlfriend just sent me a package of tattoo needles…)

      • We’ll see if I get that far. I’m happy on my sterile technique, but my tattoo technique? Needs more research. I do have a design coming to mind. Something smallish, but to mark the occasion.

  110. House Madero! Just nailed what many are still thinking. Thank you! That was hilarious.

    • As always you come through when the times are tough. I’m thankful that I am aware of your writing and that I’m able to access it.

      A reader, from La Paz I believe, mentioned a curfew is in effect. Yes, it’s difficult to argue against a curfew during this pandemic, but it is another nail holding back our personal freedom. In some places, it is not unlawful to assist someone in committing suicide.

      I don’t know about other U.S. Military Posts or Bases, the one closest to El Paso has posted a curfew and requires masks be worn on the Post to include occupied buildings with the exception of family quarters.

  112. God bless you for thinking how to make us smile. You are a kind and special person to make something positive for us when everyone is so depressed. Thank you so much, you made my day happy ????????????

  124. Might need a new phone,just spit coffee on my phone, this was priceless. Though with house Baylor grandma Frieda might do it the old fashioned way,with a leopard flamethrower tank, what virus? ( Or house for that matter)

  127. “House Jiang” ????

    ???? can’t wait to see what they’re all about. Yay for representation!

    • I know right? I love how everyone’s culture/religion/tribe will eventually be found in their books. ????

    • Ha ha ha. I can see Leon shooting you with a water balloon so you are instantly awash in soap and water. Thanks for the laughs, House Andrews!

  131. Thank you for this and the Julie snippet. Seriously, they’re moments of brightness in long days.

  141. House Madero’s response almost made me spit out my tea!

    This was great. I’m intrigued by some of these houses… Thank you!

  145. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, y’all are the absolute best! Thanks for helping us through this with many laughs!

  146. Thank you, I’m having a hard day (although minor in comparison to the rest of the world) and this was lovely.

  148. Ilona, Gordon,
    I’m so glad to see you both haven’t lost your touch due to the unfortunate state we all find ourselves in.
    I read your earlier post concerning your feeling ‘brain dead ‘. Glad to see by this post your not!
    Enjoyed this post!!!!!

  149. First time doing this hope I’ve got it right but here goes. I just want to say thank you to two great authors who not only write great books but in this trying time when a lot of people are isolated, myself included, give a lot of themselves to keep our spirits up. I can never thank you enough. Keep safe

  157. Thank you, Ilona Andrews. I ROFLOL. We are sheltered in place during a really nasty storm and I was laughing til I was leaking. Atypical weather for this time of year here but as local weatherman pointed out this year no El Niño or La Niña effects. Probably House Strum. Grin. Thanks again.

  163. Thank you!!????????????
    I REALLY needed this today. Facetime with family isn’t as satisfying as warm hugs & kisses.
    Stay safe, stay well.

  173. Just what I needed. I need to gear up and go grocery shopping and am not looking forward to it. I just keep saying this too shall pass. Thanks for the funny stuff

    • Same here, I’ve been putting it off but now I have no choice, must go tomorrow. My 10 yr old has decided to eat healthy and we are out of her lettuce and kelp aka kale. Lol

  174. Ahahahahaha, omg, this is pure gold – LOVE IT!
    Thank you soooo much for this laugh, ehehehehehe 😀

  176. Lol, yes!!! Thanks for the House advice. Can you imagine if they were all quarantined? Which house would go down first from in-fighting? ???? House Baylor is pretty cohesive but not so sure the rest would do so well during quarantine ????

    • I think Madero would go down first since they don’t believe the virus is real. They would break quarantine and get infected.
      House Rogan would have Nevada trying to calm Rogan down and his mom would say “listen to Nevada, dear” before bashing him over the head with a soft cushion.
      The others would depend on how well they got along before quarantine. 😀

  186. I love this! Thank you.
    I hear “ripper cushions” in my head and think of Helen whenever I see or hear the word repercussions now.

  188. “If I can’t see it, it’s not real”????????????
    Are we surprised ? No ????????

  192. Hahahahahaha – Thank you! After this morning where our kitchen switches won’t work (the breaker has a problem? and finding an electrician to come over will be FUN) – this was perfect! Now I can go back to planning class discussion.

  193. Thank you, I needed that. Stay safe, you two are one of my favorite authors.

  195. I read laughter strengthens the immune system response so thanks for the laughs: vitamin c!

  196. Unfortunately dogs and cats can catch covid19 from humans. Plus of course the owners naturally stroke their pets, then you see and greet the dog/cat, touch your face, touch something innocuous, spread those invisible virus water droplets. . .
    I really miss saying hello to all my neighbourhood dogs and cats on our daily exercise, but it’s not recommended at present so I’ve been strong. Even though it’s bloody hard when they recognise me all happy and waggy and sad puppy eyes. Except the cats. The cats just give me evil looks and stare at me. Cats *shrugs*

  198. Thank you for a much needed and appreciated giggle during this time of plague and uncertainty. Seriously, what’s the number for Montgomery? ????????????

  202. I needed the laugh and the smile. As a high school teacher, laughing and smiling have been in short supply.

  203. Thank you for the chuckle. Gave a lift to my morning.
    Inspired by your Julie snips, I have been re-reading the KD books again — midway through #3 at the moment, enjoying Julie’s reappearance. Probably my 5th time through them, but always find or notice something different. Thanks again.

  204. Omg I’m dead xDDD This is hilarious ! Thanks!
    “If I can’t see it, it’s not real”. I wish.

  208. Quick question – thinking of House Montgomery and how unscrupulous illusion Primes could pretend to sterilize an area – can one illusion Prime destroy the illusion of another?

  210. “CDC is aware of a very small number of pets outside the United States reported to be infected with the virus that causes COVID-19 after close contact with people with COVID-19.” (CDC is somewhat skeptical it appears, and has put a disclaimer to the effect next to this statement.) https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/animals.html. Also, there’s that poor tiger at the Bronx zoo with Covid-19. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/06/nyregion/bronx-zoo-tiger-coronavirus.html

    • I heard about the tiger and the possibility of dogs and cats being infected.
      I am pretty sure the first of the dogs that tested positive was a weak positive and basically a “contamination” rather than an infection.

  211. I’ve been enjoying these Pandemic Palliative Posts SO much. Thanks for the distractions, the laughs, and a couple of things that looked like birthings of a story I reallyreallyreally want!!

  214. I needed that, y’all. Thank you. In return, here is a Pallas Cat. It is a forest animal who lives in the Himalayas, and has two settings: ridiculously cute and homicidal.

  222. ???? thanks
    I eagerly look forward to your posts. It helps. Survival techniques: deep breathing, laughing, yoga, laughing, exercise, laughing, cleaning, binge watching, reading, laughing and pets (x6). You help me get in my daily quota.

  235. Thank you so very much. I needed the giggle. Especially seeing snowflakes in Mid-MI after we had temps in the 60’s yesterday.

  236. For those who have trouble remembering not to touch their faces:

    Step 1: Acquire several small orange “Catalina” peppers
    Step 2: Dice peppers very finely
    Step 3: With both hands,move diced peppers and seeds to mixing bowl for future use, or to food garbage.
    Step 4: Rub hands together thoroughly to coat both with “magic pepper essence” and to remove fruit bits.

    Step 5 (*optional!*): test efficacy by touching face, especially near eyes or nostrils.

    [Note: steps 2 and 3 should be performed without gloves (for those who do not wear gloves in the wild), or else with the plastic or latex gloves normally worn outside (for those who do).]

    • You only do this once. Contact wearers – do not follow this guidance. You’re gonna have a bad time. (speaking from experience canning pickled jalapenos)

  244. Classic! Loved it ???? thank you so much for these wonderful glimpses into the HL world. Also, I think your writing mojo is definitely returning!

  246. LOL

    Modero was my favorite! Though Baylor was also amazing. Love how it’s kinda perfect how the houses all deal differently.

  251. You know… I just realized how different your Brain works from ours. Your See something and make a Story out of it. Your brain death is probably our normal ????

    • I love Denise’s comment! It is so true, and why we find your stories so engrossing and fascinating.

  254. That was wonderful! Nice to see the Texas Houses are contributing to the effect. (Snicker)

  255. Wonderful. You have a knack for making me smile even in these dark(ish) times.
    but you missed one out…
    House Andrews: Make sure all the pets go through the chemical drench before coming back inside the house. The children? Yes. The go through the drench too – AFTER you’ve burnt their clothes…

  259. So now I’m wondering… what would House Duncan’s response be? House Ade Afe’fe(hope I spelled that right)…. House Sagrado (cue the Mission Impossible music)? So many possibilities! Wish I was creative enough to come up with one 🙂 Thanks again, re-read just for the chuckle and to brighten up my day! BE SAFE EVERYONE. Keep your spirits up!

  261. Thanks for the giggle.
    For everyone who is stressed out. http://Www.HamiltonBooks.com has hardcover Magic Triumphs for $5. I just got 7 craft books, under $30 and $4 shipping. Way less than that $50 class that keeps getting cancelled! Just scrolling through and looking is very relaxing, very zen! Just thought I’d pass it on.

  263. Loved this, So funny ❣️ But house Harrison and Bunny should be careful. The virus started with animals in “wet markets” in Asia. Now a tiger in the Bronx Zoo, N.Y. tested positive after his handler tested positive. So we don’t have enough information to know how it crosses species. Think rabies, for example. There aren’t enough tests even for humans right now, regardless of what P.R. the government puts out. People who are sick are being turned away from testing sites after less than 300 are tested each day, to try again tomorrow. So I’m sure the tests aren’t available at your local vet’s office. Glad it’s not the werewolf virus.

  265. House Sagredo: makes fake instagram post of them looking gorgeous in casual clothes while “suffering” in their million dollar house:

  266. This was a vacation to read this! Clearly the creative juices are full steam ahead! Yeah!!

    Thanks!

  268. Ever since this story post came out and I read it, it comes back to me at the oddest times. I smile and laugh every time it does.
    Great job House Andrews!!!!!!!

  269. Thank you! I needed this pick-me-up. Waiting for your next book is painful so I’ll take any new scraps I can get in addition to rereading some of my favorite books by you, again. 🙂

  270. Thank you! Love how your brains work. Hope y’all are staying safe and get to g some rest.

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