A personal post in the middle of all of that promotional flurry. Those of you with adult children, do you find yourself worrying more about them now when they are adults? I used to really stress out when the kids were teenagers, and they weren’t really doing anything that crazy or bad compared to some of the other kids, but I remember those years as a marathon of making sure things didn’t take the wrong turn.
Now the kids are adults. They are adulting very well, and I seem to be worried more. One of them is taking a short trip to another state, and I’m anxious about it. Maybe it’s all the release stress and pressure cooker of this summer. Maybe it’s all the true crime I watch while Gordon naps next to me. Maybe I am just aware of the possibility of more things going wrong now that I am older. Maybe it’s the post-pandemic adjustment?
Anyway, do you worry more or less now that your children are adults?
No kids here, but as an adult child myself (heh), I imagine it’s the fact that the problems we run into seem harder to fix. Flunk out of high school (just for example)? No problem – get your GED and find a living that you like or start at Community College and then get thee to a 4-year. Ruin your career? A little bit harder….
Huh, this deeply resonates with me.
I agree.
I’m in my forties and my mother will still tell me to be careful if I have to exit the car roadside or will still check I have food to eat (I have owned my own place for 20 years).
And then on top of that she’s now worrying about some renovations I’m planning on having done, NEXT YEAR.
I think you will always worry. I’m sure I annoy them with my worries about them ageing and I know my brother really annoys my parents when he mansplains how to use the underground to them. They’ve been using it since the 60s!
I have no kids but my dad told me a few weeks ago that being the parent of adults is much harder then he expected. He thought that once we were grown that he would stress less and that did NOT happen.
I’ll have to tell him he’s not alone in his worries.
Definitely he’s not alone. I don’t have any kids, but my mother says the same about being more worried now. Maybe it’s just the world that’s worse…
Nope, in general the world is much safer then it used to be, at least in a lot of countries it is. Alarming headlines sell and most people wouldn’t watches the news were they tell you all the things that are great compared to 100 years ago…Psychologiest will sometimes advise you to avoid the news (or true crime shows) for just that reason. My husband told me that he had no problem watching the scariest horror movies but “Aktenzeichen XY ungelöst” were they show true crimes hoping to find new leads among the audience scared him to death “because it was real”. The same holds true for news. Since the war started I mostly stopped watching the news. After the last 2 years in health care I just don’t have the mental capacity any more. I know I might get anxiety attacks which might scare my 3 year olds.
Yeah, I never had kids either.
My parents told me after I married that being a parent means worrying about your kids no matter how old they grow. My father would say “If I reach a hundred, I’ll still worry you’re going to wreck the car.”
Before he died my father kept calling and asking me if I was okay. He’d forget that he’d called and do it again. He’d reach out at all hours, and I finally slept with a phone. The one night he didn’t call, I knew he’d finally let go.
I dreamnt of him for four nights after his funeral, which just proved to me that the worry of a parent sticks around a bit even when they’ve earned a rest.
I worry. My kids are parents themselves, so I have even more to worry about. But also lots of happiness.
I worry differently than before, now that the kid is nearing 30 and doing a pretty good job adulting, even though she is making different choices we would have made at her age.
When I get upset about her choices or plans I try to reflect on why I disagree about her choices. It usually points me to my own agita or internal compass. Mine, not hers. And then I take a deep breath and try to trust that it’s going to be okay and she can handle it.
And then I have some ice cream,because parenting is damn hard work 🙂
Every stage of our children’s lives offers up a unique set of worries. I believe some of us are just natural worriers. I am, anyway. My children are (as of yesterday) 32 and 29. One is happily living with her wife & a leader in her field of work. The other daughter has developmental challenges and is living a pretty nice life with us. I worry about them both! But I am also immensely proud of them and in the end, I think you need to trust that the tools of living in this wild and wonderful world that we’ve offered them will more than get them through.
Very nicely said!! I couldn’t agree more. I don’t know if I worry more or less, but I have different worries now that my son is an adult. He does seem to be doing a pretty good job, and making mostly good choices, but I still worry. Mostly I worry about external things, things that he doesn’t have any control over. I worry that he could be involved in an accident (not his fault) and be seriously injured or killed. I worry that some girl is going to break his heart. Those are the new and different type of worries I have now. The condition of our world and our society today is such that it provides a lot of things to worry about!! I used to worry about the choices my son might make as he was a teenager and young adult. Now I worry about things that could happen to him which are mostly beyond his control. I just figured that I was a “worrier”, and that I would always find something to be worrying about! I tell my husband that I am a worrier, and that it is just something that I do. I don’t enjoy it. It is just something that I apparently will always do! I want to wrap my son in physical and emotional bubble wrap and protect him from every bump, scrape, and bruise life has in store for him, but I know that would only smother him. As difficult as it is, I have to step back and let him be. But, I don’t ever have to stop worrying about him!! That is my special prerogative as his mother. ????
4 Kids, from 29-40. I STILL worry (“yes, mom the airplane landed, yes, I’ll call you when we get back”…) Partly I think it’s that the older you get the more you realize how fragile life is and how it all can change in the blink of an eye. Partly, they just travel so much more. And, partly, I think it’s because I really have no control at all (and it is hard to let go too, I mean I invested a lot of my life getting them all grown up and out on their own). A big part of it may be that I have less day to day details taking up my life and more time to worry about them. And finally, 24/7 media just makes the world seem like such an unsafe place anymore. (Imagine – I grew up without a cell phone and my parents thought nothing of us going out on the trail for a week to hike. I would be a basket case if I couldn’t contact mine for that long). It’s funny too. I do all this worrying, but I am a hands off parent. If you make a mistake I’ll give you advice on how to fix it, but I won’t do it for you. I just want them to be safe… My friends report it is the same with them, so I think it’s a normal mom thing. Thinking back to when the oldest started 1st grade and I thought 18 more years and I won’t have to worry anymore (joke’s on me!).
What Jo said. . . all of it. [Mine are 41 and 38.]
I’d stop watching true crime stuff – seems it would feed the fears of what-if and that-could-happpen.
I’m with Jo, too. My kids are 29 and 22, both live at home, and I worry all the freakin’ time! I tell myself all the time that I need to trust that I did a good job, and I let them be and I keep my opinions and worries to myself, because I know how exasperating I can be. But yes, it is harder now that I have given them the responsibility of managing their own lives. They’re amazing kids in spite of me!
Dad’s Mum used to say if she wasn’t worried about him, she KNEW something was wrong, if she was worrying, then she knew he would be fine. On the other hand, she didn’t need to worry about the grandchildren, because that’s what their parents were for!
Mind you, this is the same person who sent him a letter telling him she’d moved (whilst he was away on deployment with the RAF) but not including the address of where the new house was!
I worry more now because of all the things you mentioned and because my daughter moved out of state for work and I can not be right there immediately if she needs me. It’s also because in the past year she got Married, got pregnant right away. Found out she had COVID the week she found out she was pregnant, found out the baby was footling breech then went into premature labor and had a crash C-section. Baby is fine. Daughter is fine but life needs to be less interesting for a while…
Yes, less interesting would be very welcome. :hug:
I think as parents, there may always be a bit of worry (and sometimes there may be some joking about my worry), but I trust that the kids know that if they ever run into trouble, they’ll always touch base with us. I have two in university, one starting first year, and one in her last year.
On the flip side of the coin, I offer you Mom R, whom I overheard tell my husband the other week that he got me as a wife because he didn’t pray enough as a child 😀
My own mother ????! “If you had said the Lord’s name a bit more, he would have had more mercy for you”
…. No comment!
Per your adult children worries: I have one child, Diana, now 33, living in Minnesota with her boyfriend of since junior prom. I STILL worry about her, but less. Here is an example of why: She is very smart, and at 18 months old, when I was in the bathroom, she scaled the kitchen cabinets, took down my multivitamins, removed the childproof lid and was about to shovel them down her throat as I ran into the kitchen. Yup, bad things can still happen, but I no longer have my phone jimmied up with a mongo battery and a bank autodialer to provide primitive speed dial to the Poison Control Center.
LOL!
My mother tried to talk my husband out of marrying me as we were waiting for a couple of other people outside the lawyer’s office (the Virginia equivalent of a city hall wedding). “Do you really understand how crazy she is?” was her question.
She didn’t want me to move to Europe. So she tried to sabotage the relationship.
I get it.
Heh. I left my home country at 17, and she knew I would never be back, she’s had time to
adjust. She just feels kinship with my husband because they both had to survive me ????
When I had been married a few years my Mom asked my husband if he was hungry and wanted a sandwich. He said yes. She then told me to make him a sandwich. We were visiting my parents at the time and it was her kitchen! He still remembers it over 40 years later. You can’t win.
???? My mother does sometimes call me just to check whether I’ve fed my husband. They love eachother very much and are always in cahoots, which is funny to witness because neither can speak the other one’s language well.
My mom does the exact same thing. I think it’s a Romanian mom thing. They show love via lots of food they force you to eat until you are bursting. Doesn’t help that he’s skinny and she has always wanted a son. She also enjoys commiserating with him on his hard life as my partner (poor baby has to do half the cleaning and cooking).
I told a long time friend when his children were difficult teenagers, that he had the children he earned with his own teenage years. Unfortunately his wife, a lovely and sensible person, also got the children that John earned.
All three turned out fine, BTW.
Kate, you just brought a smile to my face! My late Dad used to tell both of my brothers (who were handfuls as teens!)the same things about their teenage sons! Of course, Dad always said it with a grin, and he knew that was true because he and his brothers got into lots of mischief as teens too! Everyone turned out to be awesome adults. ????????
Heh! My mom told me after I was married that she used to pray to St. Jude (patron saint of lost causes). Thanks, Mom. I miss her every day.
I agree your worries about your adult kids is due to a different level of intensity if there is a bad choice made or they had a bad experience. My daughter and son are 34 and 30. Both well on their way with their careers, but I still worry about things like will they find someone who loves and treasures them. Did I give them the skills to deal with the curveballs that life throws you? They are the ones who remind me they think I did a good job.????
My daughter is currently a toddler. But I am sure I would worry more and more as she grows up, becomes independent, and consequently becomes exposed to the harsh cruel world out there.
But then that’s life. A young adult needs to explore life to feel fulfilled. As parents, we can teach/train them to face the world and be responsible, but we cannot control the outcome.
My mother always said that you never stop worrying about your kids. Your worries increase with the risks, and adulting has its risks.
I have worries that creep into my head related sometimes to what they are doing or what they have decided to do. I try not to entertain those thoughts for very long.
I remind myself that they had a good foundation in their upbringing. They are just as aware of dangerous situations as I am and have the good sense to avoid them.
Can something still happen? Yes, but I cover it with prayer and trust in the Lord not to call them to his side before me.
Do not allow the Demon of Doubts get a strong hold on you. It’ll make you crazy, and you could “write a book on 1001 What Ifs”
Yes.
I worried then. I worry now.
As a single father of four children, now 36-30, I worry more now, but act on my worries very much less
After all, I believe my children were, mostly, raised well. Mostly, I trust their judgement. Even where I don’t necessarily trust their judgement, I choose to honor their judgement.
But yes. I worry.
What makes it all okay for me is I am here for them and they know it. Three out of four have reached out for help as young adults, when they genuinely needed help. I helped them.
What a gift of love it is to be trusted enough by one’s adult children that they still reach out to you when they truly need help.
So I do worry. More, because I’m not involved day-to-day. But I also worry less, as I trust they will reach out when they truly need help.
Great question. Thank you.
“What a gift of love it is to be trusted enough by one’s adult children that they still reach out to you when they truly need help.”
This is breathtakingly beautiful, Jesse. So very well stated.
+1 You must have done something right. I could never have gone to my parents for help as an adult. The cost would not have been worth it.
+100
That’s wonderful, Jesse.
You raised grounded, independent children who know that their dad trusts them and they, in turn, trust that their dad is there for them when they need him.
I haven’t been blessed with children. I hear my nieces and nephews, who love their parents dearly, grow exasperated with them when they still try to exert control despite some of their children being in their forties.
The majority of parents are amazing and do the best they can. Not all are equal. It must be so hard to let go and know that you have raised confident, independent children. Children who have the couraage to explore their own individuality and not mirror the lives of their parents.
My mother used to say “You will always be my daughter”. I don’t think the worrying ever stops and the world is definitely more complex.
I feel great gratitude towards my parents. They didn’t always get it right but there is not much to compare to the love of a parent. Even though you worry, it is always love at the forefront.
In Greece they say “small kids, small worries…”
In Poland we say: “small kids – small problems, big kids – big problems” 🙂
So I guess in the end it’s universal…
Same here in Austria…. Smile
As we age, we place more value on people/things.
In your last snippet about Kate, she’s going off to take care of something, and he’s not worried about it.
Why?
Because he knows she’ll do her best.
Surely because he knows she can handle it. But I do think he might quietly follow her.
I have one 29 and one 20. I find that I worry more when they’re under my roof than when they’re on their own. Their schedules are nowhere near ours. For the most part, they’re good at adulting, but then we find ourselves explaining, yet again, the difference between credit cards and debit cards. Really, it’s never what you worry about that’s the actual problem. Also, you never know what “sticks” and what doesn’t.
there is a saying „the bigger the children, the bigger the worries“.
its an really old saying, so its not your subject-based opinion. its objectiv.
on the other site „it takes time to raise your parents“ (especially the older they get)
I absolutely worry MUCH MUCH more about my adult children. The world now seems more perilous; mass shootings, more frequent natural disasters, less political and economic stability.
I do worry still or even more in some ways, but I’ve discovered that “worry” is my go-to place and I tend to go there when my self care is lacking. Fortunately, at 73 years of age, I have a very large tool kit to deal with anxiety and worry and I try to make sure that my children and my grandchildren know that it’s just me (not them) being putzy and to please forgive me and to not take the mantle of my worry upon their shoulders.
Not a mother but I’m almost 16 years older than my youngest brother and his dad was out of the picture so I cared for him with mum at work. He still calls me almost every day even aged 27 and if anything happens he rings me in panic mode or celebration. I worry way more now he’s an adult. I worry about his workplace, I worry about him and his partner ever buying a house (London prices), I worry that he’s a mixed race male in this bigoted world, I worry, worry, worry. I think because you can’t tell them what to do anymore. Or rather that they don’t just listen and obey anymore. You can’t go to their work and tell their boss off for being mean to them, or fix their problems with a cuddle and treat. It’s stressful. And now we’re in a post-pandemic (still pandemic) world it’s even worse because anxiety is generally higher. Also inflation, war, global warming. Stress.
Less, unless I know they are stressed about something. I still wish I could “fix” things then, knowing y9u can’t .
Ruby Fever may have been torturous to write but you did a bang up good job.I called the neighboring state’s BN and they held it for me. I do hope you will become reenergized and write more in this world. You left one thread hanging which was answered in a cut scene and introduced some interesting potential problems. Leon really does seem like he is coming into his own though it isn’t clearly shown in any specific scene.
Thank you
Mine are just on the brink of adulthood – two in college, one upper class in high school, and as others have said I don’t know if it is more worry or different worries. When they were kids we had more control over their life and decisions. I trust that my wife and I have raised them to be responsible, but the lack of control and lack of knowing what decisions they are being faced with – the sheer uncertainty – makes for a lot of worry.
I have a newly minted young adult he is 19 at school about 5 hours away but doing ok.
At the beginning, last July I checked his tracking (he allows me) multiple times a day. He should have graduated in August, but it has been pushed back until October due to 2 covid quarantines and 2 failed classes. ????
We leave NC for NJ next week and my heart is plummeting. I am sure I will be back to checking that tracking and sending random texts to make sure he is alive.
I wish I could just pull him and make him come with me or have hubby get another job somewhere else. My kid loves his independence and hubby is walking into a great position after his 20 years of service. Plus the base wont let us stay in housing past his retirement date. So to NJ we go, and I have to leave piece of my heart in NC.
The 15 year old worries me some because she has become a hermit and now has to change schools, make new friends in her Jr year and she is going to miss her big bro alot more. I dont want her to become withdrawn but I dont want to push either. Teens are so prickly naturally its hard to figure out what is the best or right decision.
And to round out our bunch we have an 8 yr who has adhd and anxiety. Usually he is a joy, but this is actually the first move he will remember. Our last move happened when he was 3 and life was simple. He’s had so many questions and will randomly cry about leaving his friends. We have great neighbors now, where he gets to play with about 12 other kids around his age group.
I dont think it gets better as we or they get older. I know my mom is relieved to have us back in NJ but worried that my oldest and her first grandbaby will be alone in NC. She has started working part time, instead of full time to “help” my 8 and 15 yr old adjust better. We didnt ask she just did it and I wasnt going to say no.
I completely know where you are at with the move. I recently moved to another state for work. My 20 year old decided he was going to stay. Luckily he took an entry level gov’t IT job so I am less worried than when I thought I was leaving him to working at Home Depot and barely making ends meet. My other two kids are 17 and 13. 17 just went off to college and I am struggling with letting her adult on her own for the first week. It is hard to not be constantly texting to check in. The 13 year old is loving the fresh start and generally liking the new school. It has been a whole whirlwind of stress and worry since April with the move, the feeling I abandoned my oldest, the prep for college, all that goes along with new school districts.
Hey, I moved 2000 miles before junior year, so I understand what your 15yr-old is feeling. It’s easier if she’s in a sport or other activity (& she can try something new with a clean slate if she wants), but the cool thing about being “the new kid” is everyone will know who she is, & she can sit back & let them come to her for introductions & socializing.
I worry more, because I see challenges ahead. One has emotional issues and bad impulse control. The other will drop off a cliff after age 21 unless I prep the sh*t out of legal, financial, social and medical programs.
They tend to both wander, and get into trouble they never did when they were younger. I am sure COVID, our national identity crisis, and effects of the financial crash + recession have impacted us all still further. It’s a different world out there.
If you raised them to be smart/savvy you just have to trust them. I traveled solo in Europe and SE Asia at 19 and moved to faraway countries (Argentina at 22, China at 24) as a young adult… My parents got used to it eventually ????. I’m so glad they were supportive let me travel with little to no guilt from their end. There’s so much to see and you’re often in just as much danger staying and living life in one place.
yes we were so self centered at that age. i remember leaving home, joining the air force and going over seas, occasionally remembering to call my family and drop a note. we were invincible at that age. Then i hit my late 20’s and remembered i had a family somewhere….
Far more. They have many more problems now, and they’re ones parents can’t fix. (4 kids, 8 grandchildren.)
Here’s my question. I don’t have kids myself, but I’m pretty sure my SIL, at least, texts her adult kids every day. One kid has had some mental health issues recently, so that one I get. The other one, however, is very stable, but I’m willing to bet she still texts him.
My brothers and I (maybe) called my mom once a week or she’d call us.
Do you think the worry is more prevalent now because you’re able to communicate more readily with your kids via text than when we were kids and only had phones (or letters) to rely on?
No, because I mostly worry about life events like trips and health. I would be notified of those even if the calls were once a week. 🙂
Different relationship mores. Eldest wouldn’t text with me that often but Youngest would. Eldest and Youngest would text each other every day. Middle really doesn’t understand saying hi to say hi (to show each other that each is still aware of the other’s existence.)
My mother texts my brother constantly but I get a text if something medical happens or a holiday. I appreciate not being bothered.
I worry less. Mine are 39 and 44 now, which is part of it; but I worred less after they hit 18 than I did before. And I didn’t worry hugely when they were younger – though that might be because part of the reason I have so few pictures of my children as children is that, except for at work, I usually had the originals with me.
They were always sensible and mannerly – their father and/or I could take them anywhere and expect them to behave appropriately.
There is also the fact that when my firstborn turned 18, her act cleaned up so fast it was six months before I could talk to her without wanting to laugh. And, by the time she turned 15, I had lost count of the number of times she hauled me into the next room and begged me to tell her friends she was grounded. That girl’s nose for trouble is amazing. It kept her out of a lot of it.
My younger one is rather different. She is less of a solitary than I am, but not by much. I love my son-in-law – he makes her happy.
My mom says she worries way more about us as adults than as kids. I think it’s because there’s no control or safety net from a mother anymore.
I worry about my eldest because he stayed in Wisconsin when we moved to Florida. You’ve all heard about Florida man…well…Wisconsin dude is not that far behind him. There be crazy folks all over. So yes, I worry about him more than ever now.
We were very lucky that both our girls were very responsible and respectful teenagers. I think it was because I was such an irresponsible and disrespectful teenager to my parents. I stressed to my girls about being open and honest got them more trust and more freedom than if they lied and hiding things from us. I worry when they don’t text me about when they are staying over somewhere. When they are traveling I worry until I hear they arrived at their destination. So I think it’s normal to worry more in some ways and less in others.
Thank you, Ilona Andrews for the post with assistance from mod R.
I have no human children however Dad saddled me with the grands when he died. Well I had always been involved in their lives as my sister had systematic lupus and I was designated parent. He gave me lots of instructions. The last one graduated this summer. Hurrah! No illegitimate children during college and Honorable grades were my two rules when I shipped them off to college. They Successfully completed degrees. So, Task accomplished. No I don’t worry about them. They know I am here if they need an ear etc.
one’s SO didn’t/ doesn’t pass the Titan test. Then 6 months into relationship I got a distressed phone call. Sigh I listened like a good parent but just asked the “what do you think/feel” question. Parenting is hard work.
I think you do have children. Good for you.
+100. You are theirs and they are yours in every meaningful way.
I am blessed to have two very successful young ladies, ages 32 and 30. I live on the other side of the country from them. And they don’t live near each other either, which only adds to my worries. I have absolutely no control of anything in their lives anymore.
But I do still worry for them and I believe it’s from being a Mum.
I think it starts on the day you find out you’re pregnant and ends the day you leave the earth.
If anyone knows where the off button to stop it is, please share.
I worry differently. Both my kids are competently adulting, both quite far from the nest. Now I worry that they won’t call when they need help BECAUSE they want to be adults. But I also know they have many quality humans in their circles and they are smart enough to figure stuff out. Each of them has also travelled independently to other countries, so I’m more reassured by that, but still…
*Rocking slowly back and forth*
It’s fine
They’re fine
They’ll be fine
My kids are tween and teen age. I’m not comforted by the idea I might worry more in the future than I do now.
I don’t think my son will ever leave (which I worry about) and I’m ready to drop kick my daughter out the front door 50% of the time.
I guess I can’t worry about future worrying too.
For my mother, it’s exactly the same. She said it was easier for her when we were young because she had us at home and she also had more control about what happened to us than now that we are all adults !
Now I live 5 hours from my parents, my sister abandoned her studies in journalism to study to become a pastry chef and my brother starts a new job in Australia (we live in France ><) …
Parents never stop worrying. I think it is worse when the child reaches adult status, especially when said child no longer lives at home. The illusion of being able to keep one’s child safe doesn’t hold up well when said child is no longer living under the same roof:)
You worry differently. You don’t worry about a coach or teacher being mean or unfair. You worry about their boss. You worry about them finding a good job or losing it. You worry that instead of not being invited to a party they are not invited to an important event. You worry about their relationships or lack thereof. You worry about them taking a job out of state. You worry about them disappearing from your life and sometimes they do. You worry less about all the things you cared about until the end of high school and more about all the things that could go wrong as adults. You still worry.
If I may, you will always worry about your children because you love them. It’s part of the whole parenting relationship. When they were younger, you were able to control their environment and protect them to some extent. As adults, you can’t exert the same control and protectiveness. Your role as parents is changing you’re more a source of ongoing advice and support. You’ve done your best to prepare them for life on their own. You have successfully raised two responsible, well-adjusted daughters.
More. So much more. I mean they grew up and joined the military and got married and or divorced and had plenty of hurtful experiences.
And even more since Covid caused job loss and money issues, not to mention depression. The divorce was happening during Covid and the custody is giving me nightmares. So…
And there is more, but you can get the drift. My kids are 45-50. Still worrying.
Absolutely. More than ever, since I can’t help keep them out of trouble, or even know what they’re up to most of the time.
And, of course, as adults their troubles can be much more serious than most childhood trauma.
I have an oops child that grew up with adult siblings, so I let go earlier than normal, maybe? Now they are all living their lives, one in a different state, even the baby is in college 3 hours away. You will eventually trust life enough to not perserverate.
I hope.
The answer is yes, yes, yes. We always worry and think about our children. I have 3 grown kids and 9 grand kids. I am a glass half empty kind of girl and worry about my kids is a daily thing. They are always traveling and bopping around. And you never know what is happening these days. So yes if you are a worrier you will worry about your kids. And that is normal…
My 2 kids are adults and I worry less. I have decided to trust how we raised our children and be there for them when they need us. They are independent, intelligent and have a good head on their shoulders. I also decided to stop thinking of what if scenarios because it gave me heartburn so as soon as those thoughts comes I close the door and reminded myself that at their ages I knew what I was doing.
Yes and no. I don’t worry as much about my oldest son as he is married. I feel his wife would call me if something happened. I do worry about my youngest son who, for instance, went camping alone with just his dog. He is good about texting me when he leaves and when he returns. They both live about 4 hours away in different directions. They are both over forty. What is beginning to happen is they now seem to be worrying about their Dad and me as we move deeper into our seventies. I think we will always want our children to be safe and healthy.
I spend more time assisting my late teen/ young adult nephews than when they were young. Young adults today have a lot to navigate and sometimes need more support than when we were young. Thank goodness for texting
Me: fat, dumb, happy.
Wife: what if X happens? What do we do then?
Me: worry about it when it happens?
I read this to Gordon and he gave it two thumbs up.
Or as Leon says,I’ll be dead and it won’t matter.
Or as I once read somewhere:
Worry is like paying interest on a debt you may never owe.
My children are not adult yet, but I’m a doctor and have seen lots of worried parents (also parents of adult children). I think it’s a complex issue.
First of all the current problem is always the most troublesome. Your adult kids are not colic so it doesn’t seem such a nightmare anymore. Your infant can’t go to visit some random friend and be home two hours late so you think that if that ever happen you will be able to deal with it without too much panicking. The problems that you already solved are less scary than those you still need to find solution to.
And oxycontin (hormone of love) makes us kind forget the bad parts. Otherwise the first child will always be the last one 😉
The second thing is that older children are a bit more unpredictable.
Form second baby you kind of expect what to do with an infant. We have joke: When your first kid swallows a coin you go straight to the hospital. What your second child swallows a coin you observe, and search for the coin in the potty. When your third child swallows a coin you just deduct the amount from their pocket money.
What problems will occur with teenagers and adults depend on luck, environment, other people, child’s interest, their character, skill, previous choices etc. One is shy and you’re worried they will be bullied, the other is really outgoing and want to try everything, and you’re worried what this ‘everything’ may include.
And finally the younger the child the more control you have. With a toddler you can check anytime during the night they are fine and safe – just have a look into their bedroom. And is there a more calming thing then seeing your loved one sleeping safe an sound?
With little ones you can often protect them from harm – for example you just put hot pot out of their reach. With older ones you can just hope you taught them to be careful with hot pots.
And this is scary. We’re scared whether we did everything right and they will know what to do. We’re scared because we can’t check on them any time and not just hope, but know for sure they are fine. We’re scared that we may not be there to protect them from harm. And we’re scared because we know life’s not always easy and there is nothing more we can do about it.
I worry about different things now. We have 3, 27F, 25M, 22F. I worry more about their happiness as are they on the right track for what they want/need. I do worry some when they travel but we are pretty good about texting arrivals and when they are coming back on trips. Sometimes I think I just get a little anxious. My husband on the other hand is more casual about things, he always tells me they will call if there is a problem.
Letting go of the worry is hard, I don’t have any real good answers for you.
Adult kid of anxious mom here. My mom always tells me it’s not that she doesn’t trust my decision making; it’s that she doesn’t trust other peoples decisions. She had bigger issues when I first struck out on my own, and still has issues when I travel out of state by myself but has calmed down. We do daily proof of life while I travel.
I am really relating to your mom here… ????
My partner warns me whenever I go into helicopter mom mode, so I really do try to let the kid (not an adult yet) just be, but it’s an uphill struggle for me. Because I just don’t trust other people all that much – and yes, I am very very aware that’s a me-problem…
It ebbs and flows. I worry less about the 26 year old daughter now that she’s in a stable, committed relationship and has a full-time job with benefits in her field.
I still worry about the 22 year old son. He’s temping, some of his friends aren’t making good life choices, and he’s not in a relationship. There’s just so many ways things could go wrong.
On the flip side, my mom stopped making me check in with her when I was in my early 40s… ????
As my daughter gets older, I find myself getting more worried. It’s not that I don’t trust her, or I think that I didn’t teach her what she needs, but more that I know there are so many variables in life.
I think it’s more the realization that as she becomes a more adultier adult, the less I can really to to keep her safe. I’ll be here, I’ll do what I can, but as an adult, I know I can’t fix everything (and she knows that too ????). It scares me.
I think that as a parent you ALWAYS worry! BUT you have to smack yourself and say that the odds are in your favour and if disaster is going to happen what can you do other than be there to pick up the pieces? You can’t prevent it but you can be there to help!
Whatever innocence I had or denial that helped me contain worry when they were young got shattered when my son nearly died at the age of 13. He ditched his bike helmet on his paper route and suffered a severe brain injury when his bike malfunctioned, trapping the front wheel and throwing him off head first as he sped down a hill. One blessing is that I didn’t waste time blaming myself because I really had gone all out to impress the need to wear a helmet on him. It was touch and go for awhile; he was in a coma for 3 weeks. He went through rehab.
Recently he also went through a medical emergency where the ER initially misdiagnosed him and sent him home. Two days later I convinced him to go back by ambulance (“I’ll pay if insurance doesn’t cover it”). It all turned out but there were life threatening twists and turns.
I have learned that it’s easier to be the person in the hospital bed than to watch someone you love hover near death or suffer pain.
That said, going through all of that taught me that worry doesn’t help and makes it harder to respond if there is an emergency so I’ve worked hard to divert my mind if it wants to imagine catastrophe. I can control nothing except my own choices. When worries come up I mentally send them love and hope for the best outcomes. If the worst happens I’ll have to deal with it and my only control is how.
Well said.
Yes, this absolutely.
I have a son, so I would say my worry is less now, although I do worry more about his health. I worry more about my nieces, just because they are girls and way younger than my son.
My kids are 22 and 20 and I found myself saying to a friend the other day, ‘Remind me – when is this parenting lark supposed to get easy?’
I guess the easy problems they can fix themselves now they’re adults, unlike when they were younger, so it’s the harder problems that we as parents now have to respond to.
Less. He’s an adult and has proved himself to be responsible. And if he’s not, that’s a choice he made and he’ll deal with the consequences. I released when he became a Marine. You have to let them live their lives, make their mistakes and live with their consequences.
My oldest is 7 going on 8 and already I worry about her and all her siblings. I imagine I’ll worry when they are adults too.
Well, this is disappointing. My kid is a junior in high school and he is such a drama king and the stress he brings is amazing. I was looking forward to relaxing more when he goes off to college. Clearly I was delusional.
This is a tough question. My girls are 40 and 38. Both in good physical health but dealing with job issues and mental health problems. They are in good to great relationships. My worry is more focused on their decisions and less on their safety. Better communication helps because we are out of the “bullshit” phase and they are honest with me.
I worried more when as adults than u did when they were kids.
Bigger kids bigger worries.
When my older sister (first of seven children) announced she was expecting my mom’s first grandchild, my mom burst into tears and said “I’m so sorry for you.” My sister and her husband were still in college, newlyweds, and very offended.
My mom said, “You don’t understand. You’ll never have a worry free day or uninterrupted night’s sleep again. I just wish you had a little more time to be carefree.”
I can say that over the last 25 years my mom’s seven adult kids have given her LOTS of worry and stress and my sister’s adult children are giving her plenty too.
I only have littles and I have lots of anxiety and was hoping it would diminish as they grew but now I’m resigned. Maybe if we cared less?
I foresee some therapy sessions about boundaries and disengaging emotionally to survive.????
I made this sound like it’s just a mom thing. My dad is in his 80s and the adult children are spread across the country.
He checks all of our weather forecasts and tracks phone locations (I refused to enable that feature for privacy reasons) but he tracks my 44 yo brother’s commute to and from the hospital when he’s had long or overnight calls to make sure he’s home safe.
The worrying doesn’t stop.
Ha! My dad checks my weather more than I do and he will randomly text me to let me know about hail or flooding. Especially when I am driving or traveling for work. And I am 40. It is his unique way of showing his love.
Honestly, I worry more too. And I think it’s because I’m not right there when things go wrong. Do they handle the problems well? Yes. But that final lack of control makes me a bit crazy sometimes. I’m hoping the feelings diminish as they are out of the house longer. FYI, kid 1 has been on her own for 1.5 years and kid 2 has been in and out of the house for 2.
More I know more now,and I worked in an emergency room 5 years, so I am much more worried.
I think I worry more on some fronts, and less on others. Are they staying safe? Do they have enough $$ for bills? Do they have enough to eat? But less on the day to day things. I don’t need to know they are safe at home every night now. But I did have to check on daughter who was visiting in Chicago last weekend when there was a shooting at an amusement park (she was fine, had not gone to the park, but so sorry for those who were lost or injured). Son lives with me, so I know what he’s up to most of the time. Oldest I’d wish would check in with me more often but… She *is* 37! lol
I have 2 thing adult children and 3 thing children still at home. I worry far more about the adult children.
They are doing well financially, emotionally and spiritually. But the world can be so dark and capricious.
I worry about the grands and the adult kids. I think now that everyone is old enough for vaccines and boosters, I am a little less uneasy. I find I am not the grandparent I thought I’d be. I try not to say it constantly, but be careful, slow down, comes out of my mouth like a fountain. I bite my tongue a lot. Daughters say they’re fine a lot. Not ideal, but working on it. I am handicapped due to arthritis and just had 4th knee replacement. The “new” knees do wear out too. I think knowing I can’t physically save them from a lot of scenarios contributed to the fear. Again, working on it. The expression “your heart is forever walking outside your body after you have children” says it fairly well. Such a fine line between living your life and just living. I always liked “Give your worry to God at night-She’s up all night anyways. You can always take it back in the morning.” Virtual hugs.
There’s an old saying “Little kids, little problems; big kids, bigger problems.” Sounds like you’ve entered that stage. I think it’s called being a mom. I see my wife worry as much about our “kids” even though the youngest is north of 40. Occupational hazard methinks! ❤️❤️❤️
I have 3 adult children (30, 27, 24) I worry about. Recently I asked my father-in-law when he stopped worrying about his kids (my husband is 60). He said he would let me know when it happens 🙂
More! Probably because I am not there to ensure their safety and smoth the path for them.
More, definitely.
I am in a weird spot where I have both adult children (25, 22, 19, 18) and also teens and young ones (16, 9, 3) (yeah, don’t do that math ????????)
I absolutely worry about the older ones more. I think it’s because their issues are bigger, and my ability to help is smaller.
Sending ((((hugs)))) from one stressed mama to another.
I don’t have children but I worry more about things AS an adult than I did earlier in my life.
If I travel now I make sure someone has my itineary, knows what, if anything, might need to be done while I’m gone or late getting back, etc., etc., etc. I pack more “just in case…” things. Phone numbers in case something goes wrong at home. I used to just pack my clothes and walk out the door.
My kids aren’t adults yet they are teenagers but I find it hard as well. When they were toddlers my only worry was keeping then fed and warm. But now it’s so different, I’m only thinking of things that can go wrong and I worry non stop. I’m glad I’m not alone!
Oh. Parenting adult children is so much harder than younger kids. I had some guarantee of prevailing when my three were younger but I can only stand by and hope it will be okay.
Thank you for proving stress relief with your amazing writing!!
I don’t have children, but adult kids can get into more things, so I can see worrying. However, you seem to have raised kind and smart children, so they hopefully, will make wise decisions and be safe.
Definitely. I used to worry about my adult son more, then when he was a teenager. Now that he is married and has his own kid, I learned ti worry less. But only because I love and trust my daughter in law☺.
I have 3 adults, and it’s not that I worry as much as I get frustrated because when they do have an issue I can’t just step in and take over to “fix” it. I listen, I offer suggestions and/or advice but in the end I cannot live their lives for them. I will always support them, have theirs backs and love them but have to let them go and trust they will land on their feets.
It is just a different worry at different ages. Same worries but different kinds. ????♀️
I worry about the same amount, but it’s different worries. Are they doing OK? What aren’t they telling me that I’d want to know? If they’re traveling did they arrive safely? Are they happy?
The list goes on. Being a parent never stops.
YES. I have 4: ages 24 to 32. For some reason it’s a little less when they lived out of state, which is odd! In my case I think it’s a control issue: when they lived with me I had a little more control (or thought I did, lol). Toddlers, looking back, aren’t bad! I have to work on my own anxiety and letting go: children truly are “hostages to fortune”. My mom says it gets just a little better, she’s 80! Focus on the joy and the good times!
Every day. I thought once their lives took off, I would worry less. Not happening. Even though they Both have families that worry circle just got a little bit bigger. Both my sons are doing well and have great lives, then the youngest gets into an accident….Worry, Me? Hell yes
My mother worries incessantly about my sister and I and I’m almost 50. She tells me the worry never ends, you just change what you worry about.
For me, it is different worries.
I am in the middle now. My daughter is 16, not an adult, but not exactly a child anymore. Looking back, I feel like all my worries of her childhood, all that was scary, her illnesses, her broken bones (judo and snowboarding, this is how you manage to break your leg one year and hand the next. bonus points for doing it on a first day of snowboarding holiday abroad with her father (my ex), who was told by her that hand protectors are itchy and wisely agreed with 10years old. He called me while I was deep underground, I could not hear him, understood only that daughter is going to be operated on now and RUN 7 floors up, because it was too long to wait for the elevator). Me checking every night if she breathing in her sleep (I did it for years! I think her age got to double digits when I made myself stop). I can’t recall now all the big (ish) and little things that got me worried about her, but it is NOTHING to my worries now.
I remember that on my secondborn’s 20th birthday, I was running an errand at work and ran into somebody I knew who had met my daughter. I mentioned that she was 20 now and was asked if that didn’t make me feel old.
“No, it makes me feel off the hook.”
My then-19-now-nearly-21-year-old road trips 7 hours and two states away to visit her best friends from high school. Of course I worry! The first time, I talked her into caravanning with Dad since it was her first big road trip. He drove home the next day, she stayed for her visit and got home safe several days later.
After 3-4 of these road trips, a semi lost a tire tread in front of her. She thought she missed it, but noticed a small sound and it turns out her front tire well to the bumper had been cracked. My smart kid bought duct tape and put it back together enough to get home safe.
Of course we worry, anything CAN happen, but with smart kids like we have, they can usually handle it. If they need to, they’ll call us for advice or help. Doesn’t keep us from worrying, but it helps knowing that they are often smarter than even we realize. =) Safe travels to whichever Kid it is!
My spawn is 23 now and doing pretty well, mainly, but I noticed that my anxiety started to tip the scales as my hormones took a dive due to that magical change of life that comes for us all who have ovaries… so it could be worrying more because of (gestures at everything) but don’t discount that anxiety is a commonly overlooked symptom of menopausal hormone changes (a whole topic that needs a lot more public info-sharing). Will the fun never end! 🙂 <3
I’m 32, and bought my own house four years ago. My mom or dad still find a reason to call me every other day to “make sure you’re not dead.” I think it is just part of being a parent.
More. Mine are 45, 43, and 37. They don’t get that they’re still my kids and I’d like to know they’re okay. And possibly where they are when they aren’t home? Is that too much? Maybe? LOL
More. I worry much more. Now that they’re adults, there are more things they can decide to do that could end badly. And many more crazies exist in our current world, where even a trip to the grocery store can be dangerous. One of my adult children witnessed a shooting in a parking lot as he was on his way to pick up a pizza.
PS – anxiety meds + hormone therapy = feeling much, much better. Menopause is mandatory but suffering is optional.
Yes, yes, yes and yes!! I have 8 children and 4 of them are adults. I worry souch more about my adult children than I do about my younger ones. It is crazy and my stress level is so high!!
Neither. My son is a pretty level headed person. He did a few boneheaded things in high school, but I didn’t find out about them until after the fact. Too late to worry then. And he never repeated his mistakes twice. So we couldn’t anticipate anything in particular to stress about. He got so sick on 151 rum on a “campout” (in the snow in winter) that he tried to avoid getting too drunk after that.
He was cautious as a young child, so we lucked out in that.
The best you can do is too give the the skills to cope with whatever life throws at them.
P.S. He is a musician who has traveled around the world since he was 20. Wonderful experiences for him.
This reminds me of the phrase “small children, small problems; big children, big problems.” I have three littles, and I worry about little things (why is she licking the bathroom wall again? Is this gash really going to require stitches? What is the purpose of whining?). But my oldest is about to start kindergarten, and it’s hitting me hard that for the first time I will have absolutely no idea what he’s doing at any point during the day. Not a clue. I have no control, no way to help, no way to protect, no way to even know if he chooses not to tell me. Gah! In my head, I know he will be fine, and I will be fine, and it’s all good. In my heart, I suddenly want to homeschool forever. I can imagine having adult children will just be more of those worries… bigger children, bigger problems, bigger worries. Also, hopefully, bigger joys.
Yes! Especially when they come home from college. I worry about the 3 hour drive in the little car they drive. If I could afford to buy them bigger cars I would. I think I worry more because they’re so far away and not within my sight on a daily basis.
I was not blessed to be a parent, but watching mine I suspect you never stop being Mom and Dad and worrying about your kids. My parents, especially my Dad were always there for me. Nothing can comfort a child more and give them confidence they have backup. As my Mom told me, your friends may desert you but your family is always there for you.
More. The older they get the more stressed. I look back on ‘the good ole days’ when all my kids were asleep at a decent time under my own damn roof, lol. I feel ya.
When the kids were under my eye, I watched and enjoyed crime shows. As soon as my daughter went away to university I had to stop watching them, they made me paranoid about horrible things happening to the kids. I still can’t watch them, the worry level goes up to high. My kids are now 37 and 34
I don’t have an adult kid, but as an adult kid I find I worry about my Mom more than I used to. She has gently (and not so gently) reminded me she is an adult and of sound mind and body. Lol
As children grow, you will always worry. You merely worry about different things.
My kids are not quite adults, both are boys, one is 17 and one is 15. The 17 year old goes to a boarding school, I first dropped him off at 14, one of the hardest days ever. My 15 year old I maintain was kidnapped about a month ago. My ex-mother-in-law called wanting the boys to visit. The weekend she wanted didn’t work, but the one 3 weeks out did. She wanted to check and make sure my ex was in town. I hear nothing else until my son mentioned on Thursday that the neighbor was going to drive him to an ammusement park on Friday and his dad was going to pick him up from the park. Friday around 5pm he calls and said plans changed he’s on his way home. At 7pm I check the app to see his location and he’s on the highway pretty close to home. At 10pm, he still not home (I figured they stopped for food), I check again and he’s now further away. I text him and the response I got was “sorry. He got me. Food comma.” (He meant coma not comma). I text several time asking “he” who, no response. App finally says he arrives near my ex-mother-in-law’s new address. Finally after 12 hours of no response, I’m having a panic attack and call my kid saying please confirm who has possession of your body right now. He calls “oh sorry, yeah I’m with grandma.” He hates when I say he was kidnapped but from my perspective I didn’t know for certain who had him and he wasn’t responding. I must have told my mom 7 or 8 times about an upcoming trip to a local swamp. She called while I was there but I had no signal. By the time I got a signal, I had about 10 messages from her and my dad getting more frantic each call. Called her back and said I was in the swamp no cell signal. I was probably 30 at the time.
I don’t have kids, but my 18 about to be 19 nephew is living with us on school holidays, as his college is 20 minutes away.
Every time he borrows the car I want to break out in hives. He’s an ok driver, but is he a safe driver when I’m not next to him clenching a fist since I’m a control-freak?
I think he generally makes good decisions, he certainly has demonstrated that he’s not as idiotic as most of his friends. But he’s still a teenage boy, and idiocy takes over his good senses every now and then and it cannot be helped. It’s worst, cause I’m not his mom, and I’m mostly the strict aunt he can’t quite deal with bring strict anymore cause he’s an “adult”. Oy.
You will know that you can stop worrying about them when they start worrying about you.
Dad, should you really be on that ladder? Mom, do you think it’s a good idea to drive alone on that side of town? Did you take your medicine?
From an adult with no kids who is primary caregiver to an elderly parent.
I feel you! My parents are not that old yet, but I worry anyway.
I worry about them more now. I don’t get to see them often and they have their own lives to live but I still worry about my two girls.
Parent of two thirtysomethings. There’s actually more to worry about now, but worrying isn’t any more effective than it was when they were teenagers.
It’s mainly because we have even less control than before, now they’re adults. They may live alone, so who would know if something happened? Or they live in a dangerous area – any area outside our own house being more dangerous than in it, of course. Also, frankly, the societal polarization makes even formerly innocuous interactions more dangerous.
Go back to what Kate told, if memory serves, Jennifer WRT worrying about your kids. That dialogue immediately sparked recognition for me, because it’s what I’ve always done. Recognize that the bad thing could happen, and figure out how you’d get through it. Let yourself feel some of that, and figure out what your next step would have to be in order to get through it.
In the past year, our family has been shattered in a way that is honestly worse than anything I had imagined. Our lives before this were not what I believed them to be. They may be better some day but right now, that day seems unimaginably far away, and possibly unattainable. We are getting through it, because what is our alternative?
This is where professional counseling/therapy is truly a lifesaver. If you’re stuck, that’s where to turn.
Best wishes to you and yours.
Thank you. We have been well supported by everyone around us.
I think all of our worry-o-meters are set to eleven right now, and it’s going to be a good while before we find our collective chill again.
No kids, but as I don’t worry about myself or the rest of the family, I kinda doubt I’d be very worried about adult kids either. I would definitely probably have worried a bit about teenagers, tho, having been one, heh. I know my parents worried some when I left the state for a new job, but apparently they survived the trauma (heh).
I think we break down into worriers and non-worriers and I’m definitely the latter. I travel with company when I can scrounge some, but I’m nearly 70 (female) and have spent the last 4 decades mostly traveling, hiking, camping and living alone and without any problems. So I think your kids will be fine. They are resourceful and smart. And best of all, they have cell phones. It really was a bit more problematic when I was a young adult. I hope that helps a bit?
I worry less now. My 22 year old left to hike the Appalachian Trail last year. I just had to let go and be OK with it. He checked in every couple of days and I had GPS on him. He finished it and came back a more mature self assured person. Best decision ever for both of us.
I worry more as an adult because they aren’t living at home anymore.
Yes.
The overwhelming need to give them a better life than my own, to have them make better youthful decisions, almost into opportunistic “by hook or by crook” pro style stalking that is nearly the exclusive realm of over protective mothers…I am (a blessing for them) far too tired now to plan and execute anything. The frustrating truth is I have to let them out to adventure without me. I never anticipated that I would be staying behind. They are my only family but have to leave the nest just like all other little birds. I think I will have that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling forever. Its okay. I work in a hospital & am secretly terrified I will discover one of them to be a trauma I attend. As long as this never happens, I am totally okay with everything else. The little worries I stuff in an emotional sock everyday. I baby my dog to feed the need to baby my adult children. I’m told this to shall pass. I should qualify I am the only parent. So just me is the safety net.
You are definitely part of a very large group of mothers with adult children.
I think we all are very aware how bad things can go in a minute. The last several years has shown me that I am not as invincible as I thought I was. I help take care of my grand nephew. Yesterday he ran into a tree, I thought concussion. He got up and laughed. Sigh. My confidence has been shaken, baby steps to get back to knowing I really can handle what life throws at us. Plus my younger self was unaware(Stupid!!) of risks I did take, after all I was going to live forever. Lol
Yes my 24 year old who lives with friends had glandular fever and COVID. I texted him all the time. Delivered ready made meals snacks and a flu kit
They are still our babies. ????
My daughter is doing so well. That said, my biggest worrys for her are always about her relationships. I can help her with financials but the emotional decisions are something only she can manage. Doing 7 years of Alanon in the 90’s gave me some very useful life tools that I passed on to her. We both laugh when something I said over 20 years ago comes out of her mouth…or her daughter’s mouth????. I can’t protect her from emotional hurt…I can only be there to listen and give whatever support I can…as my Mom did for me. My biggest worrys are about the grandkids….the world today is a different place than the one I grew up in. Trying to caution the grandkids about a possible bad choice/decision is met with derision. They think I don’t know how the world works now. So, I just try to be supportive, to be there if needed. Losing a daughter to domestic violence 16 years ago changed me. It changed my priorities. But when all is said and done the one thing to remember is that the only person you can control/change is yourself. It’s like that old saying about trying to change someone is like trying to teach a pig to sing…all it does is frustrate you and irritate the pig.
I think that’s totally normal for every parent .
I don’t have children. Considering my luck in love, I never will.
But just to turn the tables: the older I got the more I worry about my mum and dad. No apparent reason yet, but still do. Last month my mum and stepdad went on vacation by airplane. Their first flight in 18 years. My mum.is afraid of hights. I was probably as nervous as they were, though I wouldn’t admit it. Anybody knowing that feeling?
I think as parents we will always worry about our kids. I think I worry less most of the time because they are good adults, but there are times when things happen that I worry a little more. I usually call or text to check on them and can hear the eye roll through the phone. Worrying just means you care, just let them do their thing and be happy. ????
I don’t know how NOT to worry., mine is 13, so not an adult yet. I just don’t want the world to hurt her …she’s a smart, independent, compassionate kid who loves horses… (Tom petty song is now in my head lol) . I have this feeling that if I’m not needlessly worried life will give me something to actually worry about. Virtual hugs to you and all the moms and nurturers out there.
I find I have to manage that worry or it will get overwhelming. The truth is off you love them you have to trust them. And that means gearing from them less and being content with one word sentences instead of a whole paragraph. Bad things happen but do do good. Hugs from one mum to another.
I think that I worry more now. When they were little we could keep them close and protect them from harm, so there was a reassurance that they were safe. It’s different now that I don’t see them everyday with my own eyes to have that same reassurance. I know they are living their lives and there’s nothing that I can do but pray for their safety and that they remember the lessons my husband and I taught them.
I have 2 sons one is 25, and the other is 30. And as you say they are “adulting well”.
Nevertheless, I still worry and find that I must constantly remind myself that they are adults. Things happened in my life at those ages that wasn’t all roses and I did some not so bright things during those times (come to think of it even now I still do some not so bright things, but I digress) and I’m fine.
I remind myself that they must live just like I did and am doing.
Mistakes and hardships that we survive help make us wise, strong and no one escapes this.
But I feel you, it is not always easy. My mom is 82 and I KNOW she still worries about me and my siblings – all of us over 50.
I am pretty certain for most of us parents, aunties, uncle’s, the worry switch turns on and it never really turns off.
Worry of course is pointless, IF something happens we will deal with it.
But if and until anything happens, we can be on purpose about not driving ourselves crazy over things that have yet to occur.
When the worry gets too bad, I repeat something I heard from a Louise Hay tape – “it is just a thought, and I can do something to think a different thought.” Take a deep breath, move around, watch a little less true crime – lol, etc.
It’s all good, it really is.
Ohmigosh! YES. My eldest is *36* with FIVE kids and they were traveling down to San Antonio (we’re in Tulsa). I worried them all the way down, the entire time that they were there (especially when they were swimming in the ocean) and then I worried them all the way back. My husband said, “It’s not the same, but it’s the same amount.”
More. You’re not alone. Adulting is hard for the parents of said adults. I wanna apologize to my Mom and Dad for my joie de vie. Our son went hiking and all I could think of was a crime episode. Too much NCIS and too many British crime shows, definitely.
I have children in their 30’s & I definitely worry more!! Trying & succeeding slightly to reduce my anxiety & to let go of my worry. They are good human beings!
I worry more (an adult daughter). The stakes are so much higher now, and the cost of a mistake can be so much greater. She is done with the Peace Corps and grad school. Now what???
My mother (77), has been asking me (46), to keep the lights on in my house (we are neighbors), so she knows I am still alive and well. I am going to say it doesn’t go away.
Way more. When they were little, I had them under my roof, I also have 4 sisters, three lived very close. I knew they were ok. Now, they are grown men. No telling what kind of ass-headed stuff they are up to. I’ll only find out when they are together, have a beer or so, and laughing about it.
I have not had to listen to my firstborn hold forth on me being too old to drive a stick shift since I pointed out the weapons potential of my new cane not quite a year ago.
My need for the cane is rapidly disappearing, but I’m going to continue using them. The weapons potential remains, and I don’t always have company when I have to go somewhere iffy.
Less.
But not until they actually left my house, financially stable and able to take the next step. I like it more that my son left as a solo person, whereas my daughter moved right in with a long term boyfriend – it feels like she didn’t take time to determine her.
Less now…
Now that my daughter is an adult, I worry so much more. I can’t be there for her 24/7 like when she was little. It’s scary. It’s especially scary when you think of all the foul ups that we committed when we were her age!
My mother-in-law always said. Little people little problems – big people big problems. The older I and my children and grandchildren get the more that seems to ring true
Mine girls are 24/26. Yes I worry more as adults, they’re aren’t “home”, they’re on their own, employed and supporting themselves.
Short trip to another state, at least she’s not going going from west coast to the middle of Europe to study abroad for a semester And hitting 14 countries at the same time! Best thing-remind her to be aware of her surroundings, make smart choices and remember you love her!
Hi Ilona,
My 22 yo daughter moved out to uni 3 years ago, she is the most independent, organised and talented young woman. Historically she will also text me life and adult ing questions.
However she goes to overseas this year for a performance and the first thought out of my mouth was do not let anyone touch your bags, in case they tamper with them and you wind up in jail.
On reflection, it’s not my daughter I’m worried about, it’s the people and situations she may encounter, faaaar out of reach of me that is my concern, not her in anyway.
This I’ve realised is not completely rational, while being perfectly normal. So I stay keep quiet, or vent to my husband and figuratively chew my nails.
Welcome to the club. Your normal. Apply logic and laugh when it’s all over. Hope that helps
Last spring we made plans to visit our two sons our who lived at the other end of the state. Our daughter who is in her 30’s decided she was going to visit her siblings as well. Her husband wanted to finish a project and didn’t want to go. She called us to let us know that she was driving herself and 4 kids ( ages 1, 3, 5 & 8) to visit as well. It’s a six hour drive. We asked if she wanted to caravan down together and she cheerfully told us not to worry as she was going to leave at 5am so the kids would sleep a good part of the way.
So the morning of the trip her father and I left at 5am and in about an hour we spotted her car on the freeway. My husband positioned our car behind hers and stayed behind her until she made her first pit stop. I had been texting back and forth with the 8 year old so when we pulled into the gas station behind our daughter she just laughed. When I got ready to get out of the car I had my coffee, purse and neck pillow. My husband asked “you’re getting in her car right?” Yep Yep was my reply. For the next four hours I rode backwards dealing with 4 very awake children.
On the way home I drove her car and she rode backwards until they all passed out. Her father (and his dog) drove directly behind his daughter’s car for six hours.
No matter how old our children get you will always worry and then there are the grandkids . . . .
I still have my 2 daughters 37 (single mom with 3 yo son) and 30 (just moved out again–was back during the pandemic) on my cell phone plan. Ostensibly, it makes sense because I get an additional discount through my job for the deluxe plan. In my mom heart, I can pull up the history of text and phone calls when hours go by after an agreed-upon check-in (like when they go on vacation).
jic.
My sister (31 yo) got separated from her spouse. She lives 1,600km away from our hometown. My parents are now in constant fear that her now-ex will physically hurt her if she stays there. They don’t have a history of domestic violence of any kind, they just sort of drifted apart. My sister is a business owner, and refuses to leave her entire life because my mom got it into her head that something dramatic will happen. Mom has been on her case for months now, she wants her to come home. It’s annoying, but I do understand that it’s a somewhat normal thing for parents to worry over their adult offspring. I’m not a parent so I can only go from my experience of a child of a Latina mother hen.
I have a 24 yo daughter(a mother herself)and 19 yo son. I still worry about them. I do not know a parent who does not worry about their adult children. My hubby just verified that I still worry. I do pray and then I let go. Some days I do better and others I do not. I remember my 80+ yo grandparents worried about their children, who were all over 40. It is what you do with the worry that makes the difference.
You have modeled a parent in your books. I do not recommend hiring a mercenary force to deal with your worry unless there are extenuating circumstances. 🙂
More as my Spanish Mom use to say. “The older they get the bigger the problems and worries.” They are always your babies no matter what!!
I worry none stop when he leaves the house never mind road trips ????
Oddly both. Day to day is less stress because I know he CAN adult (turning 22 next week), but trips? Job interviews? Goes too many days without a check in? Worse than high school which was peak worrying time. I worry that he doesn’t know enough yet to make the best choice (and that that is somehow fault). I worry that he won’t reach out if he needs something because he is trying to do it on his own (which I encourage but still worry about). And I worry that something HAS happened and because I don’t check in as often I’ll miss it or be too late.
It’s definitely not just you.
I actually find it harder. You know things will happen when they are little. You have plans and steps you can take to fix, help, remedy those problems.
Adult children are a whole lot of listening but not a lot of action. You can’t fix your kids problems and they don’t have to listen to you. You can’t tell your kiddo’s boss to stop being mean. Nor can you have a yearly conference with your kiddo’s boss where you explain what the the boss needs to do to get the best results from said kiddo. You can’t tell kiddo’s they can’t see there friends anymore because they are grounded. Can’t tell them no dessert if they don’t eat their vegetables or clean their plates. You can’t kiss it and make it better, no matter how badly you want to.
With a teen this is a question I need to ask my parents. Never thought of this. I live around the corner from them but I suck at communicating. I’m the type to take off on a trip and forget to tell them. My dad wanted to life365 me, nope. No reason but I was like nope I never have my location on. I’m sure I give my parent’s grey hairs as does my sis. They maybe raised too, 2 independent women. We do our own things alot.
My child … 25 at the time moved to a new province alone in February. Crazy because who moves in the winter to snow from no snow But what do you do she is a adult.I’m close enough that if I have to it’s a nine hour drive or a short plane . I worry about the same… not much she is smart and knows she can call I’ll be there ????
So much more. Because I have so much less control and I am not there to protect them from the world.
Which is how it is supposed to be but it doesn’t make me feel better.
I worry more now than ever due to our current political climate. My feelings about politics now is carrying over into other situations. Sometimes without me realizing it.
Mine are young adults. 1 of the 3 wants to adventure and deals with foolish people daily the other 2 have no desire for grand adventure or foolish people. I find myself more worried now then when they were in school. I chalked it up to growing anxiety with age and the current world we live in, but it’s been an adjustment.
I worry so much more about the adult children. It’s like cumulative worry because they aren’t right there. My oldest lives out of state and I will randomly wake up worried now. It’s because you aren’t there feeding them and getting that check in all the time. Plus the world sees them as adults when you know that really under 25/30 is a starter adult and could use a little more grace than older. At least that’s what it is for me.
You mentioned health. Two of my daughters have had cancer as adults. My third daughter had a brain tumor. My son died last month with too many health problems to mention. My children say I just get calmer as the years go by. I never stop worrying but they don’t need to know. Maybe it’s that I have less control. I try to enjoy every day.
I’m so unspeakably sorry for your loss, Teresa! I hope you get many joyful days ahead!
God bless you and your family.
Seconding both of the above.
I worry just as much, and I think this is a permanent state of being (along with all the love)
I definitely worry more now. About everything, kid, husband, sister, critters, the farm. If I can’t lay my actual eyes on it, I worry.
Parenting young adults IS the most difficult age and stage of parenting. I know, it came as a surprise to me, too.
Almost to that stage with the oldest, she is in college and lives on campus several hours away. I do worry more and I think it is because I feel like I have no input or control anymore. I have to hope she calls before something gets really bad, I have to trust she makes the right decisions all the time. I wasn’t a helicopter parent, but I generally knew what she was doing and now I know so little.
Oh, absolutely. When they are younger, even teenagers, they are still a bit more in my “I can protect them” zone of control. My 30 year old drives every month from Central Texas to Louisiana for Reserve duty and I fret until I get that “I arrived safely ” text. All 4 of my kids are at least well trained enough to let me know they are ok, but I do still worry.
A Mom worries always. My sons are 39, 37, 35 and 32 and I still worry.
Perhaps slightly more, but it’s because my wife and I moved away from metro DC and our son decided to stay.
Yes to worrying…and agreed to someone’s point above of worrying differently. (Kids age 23, 22, and 21 in a few days) Last week I moved my middle kid across country so she could move in with the oldest kid. I’m so glad my girls are sharing an apartment but I worry b/c I’m not just a “jump in the car & drive” distance away…it requires a plane trip now. My youngest has moved back in with us after deciding college wasn’t for him. I worry when he goes out with friends after work. He works nights & I’ve had to learn to go to bed regular time or I’d NEVER get any sleep! I can only hope that I taught them well and that I trained them to call home to talk to mom more often. Hugs to you mamas of adult children. Bigger kids = bigger problems LOL
More. I can’t make the good choices for them anymore. I have to let them go and make their own decisions and hopefully not fall because I won’t be there to catch them.
My eldest is a hermit – albeit with a good job – but not many friends. I worry about his social life and how much fun he’s missing out on.
My middle just turned 18 yesterday and it has been a struggle to get her through school without murdering her. She is almost there, wants to work and save and travel – even though she refuses to get a part time job and pay her own way. My MIL is constantly telling her how dangerous it is to travel alone and I have to defend her decisions whilst secretly agreeing with her (the MIL that is).
And the baby (17) has declared she is never leaving home. Will be living with us till we die so she can inherit the house – I THINK she’s joking???
I also worry about my parents. They are 5 hours away by car and are both frail and fragile. I have to remind myself they are adults and will ask for help if they need it, but also think they won’t say anything because they don’t want us to worry.
We will always worry. Well, I will always worry. It’s what we do.
I worry about the same amount…..but what I worry about has changed. I always worried about their personal safety but it got more complicated as they got older. Now I worry about the personal relationships, too, about a broken heart ….. sigh …..which is one thing you can never protect them from.
When my children were reaching puberty and I started worrying about all the new dangers that stage is confronted with, I moaned to my mother, “When can I stop worrying about them doing something stupid or dangerous? To which she replied, “I don’t know, it hasn’t happened yet!”
Yes, I certainly worry more. Our Kate moved to England, and we aren’t able to go visit because my husband has severe emphysema, and I have chronic bronchitis. And Kate and her husband haven’t got the way to come because she’s on heavy meds for spinal deterioration, and her husband works for the Council, and is paid so little, they scrimp constantly. We’re on a retired income, and in our 70’s. So, yes, it’s always worry more. I can’t express how difficult it is, but I just have to suck it up, and my husband worries also. I never saw this coming. And I know I’m not the only one. But reading your books helps me a lot, so Thank You for all you’re giving.
Not sure whether it is more or less, but it had definitely changed. The quality is more intense, probably because what could go wrong is more serious, with larger “ripper cushions” 🙂
I think the gray hair that has sprung forward this year is a result of the big “W”. I requested a present day picture two weeks ago at 10:34 pm to verify the grown adult’s well being …. like a 13 hour plane trip was a snap of a finger away. Ps. Reading allows me to relax… thank you for contributing to my mental stability!
Thank god I am not the only mama who worries more now than ever!!! This parenting phase of watching from afar to support and cheer on with even less ability to “protect” is a different animal altogether. And, to be clear, my kiddos are all capable adults making me proud every day — but the worry is always a close companion. ????
I think your first two maybes have to be contributing a whole lot to increasing your anxieties (even if they are giving you useful creative fodder for future writing). As for the third maybe, it’s not unreasonable to fear, as we keep being repeatedly reminded.
I think that we all – as in, nearly every reasonably self-aware person – have some level PTSD after the last few years of watching, anticipating, and experiencing disasters that frequently outstripped whatever we thought their limits would be, kept getting worse and piled on each other all at the same time for a lovely cumulative effect!
Awareness of the precariousness of our collective situation, and therefore of our vulnerability to forces we can’t control or affect, hasn’t gone away, because even now there are new disasters hanging over us, and recent experience tells us that we very well might not avoid the worst case scenarios of them either.
We are survivors of our recent traumas, including all the other international, national, and local, fear-inspiring, traumatic events of the last several years, that still aren’t over! I think elevated levels of anxiety may not be a helpful or healthy response, but it’s a completely understandable, and sadly, not unjustifed one, so I completely empathize/sympathize with you.
About the same but with different reasons, than when they are not around, or they are going on a trip, So maybe I ???? worry more than when they were kids, because I am not there to protect them even though they are adults with a life of their own.
Yes, I worry more now that my son is an adult. He lives in a different state. It is approximately a 4 hour drive to his house. If he was to get sick or get hurt I would be on pins and needles until I could get to him. I don’t see how my ancestors did it. When their loved one came to America knowing you would probably never see them again.
I have a pre-teen. If I go out of the house and I don’t expect anyone to be home with her, she goes with me. This irks her as she prefers to stay at home, glued to the wifi and her games. But since our economy opened, a few people have preferred to make their ends meet by burglary, and homicide or attempted ones if someone is in the house. Dogs are not deterrents for them anymore. Some even do it in daylight so, she goes wherever I go.
Hmmm. I am not sure what I am more worried about. My 24 yo daughter has booked a one way ticket from Australia to Europe at the end of the year, but I think I am more concerned that my 25 yo son will be moving home for 6 months to finish his PhD before starting a job interstate next year.
Love them both!!!
I am less stressed now that our daughter has moved out. But I do worry. She’s 22 and 22 year olds have moments where all good sense leaves them completely. I have that too in my 50’s, but it’s different when it’s me.
All my kids are grown, and my heart still clutches whenever they travel. My youngest recently bought his first car, and I had to actively restrain myself from playing ’20 questions and a ton of advice’. They’ll always be our babies.
More!! I thought it was stressful when they were younger but I knew where they were or where they were supposed to wind up. Home, usually. Now, who knows where they are or what they’re doing? Are they walking across campus alone at night, speeding during rush hour, running with scissors? I have no idea and it scares me to death! They are not into partying or risky behavior and neither are their friends so I’m not so worried about that. What worries me is that they are exposed to risky behaviors that other people may be doing while I’m not there to protect them. Crazy, I know. They could get in a car accident just as easily with me driving as when they drive themselves but then we’d all be together when it happened.
Absolutely! It’s a different kind of worry. When my son was younger, I worried about school, parties, and the friends he had. Now that he’s grown with a family, I worry about how their future will look.
You worry because you love them. And it’s ok.
I tell anyone and everyone that my hardest child rearing years were 18 to 30! yes yes yes! For so many reasons.
Our oldest is a police officer, on the SOU (SWAT) team, is a sniper, and has been in charge of infrastructure safety on massive events (think Winter Games level stuff). I was most terrified when he has to do routine traffic stops (one of the most dangerous parts of the job.)
The youngest is a firefighter and EMT and has all sorts of other training and sees the worst of the worst of things that are out there happening to people. And runs into places that are on fire. On purpose. (He once had to walk a backhoe into a burning building to knock down a pile of tires that wouldn’t quit burning, and had to do it in full gear with very little visibility with almost no clearance, and he was the only firefighter who knew how to run the backhoe.)
I looked at my husband one day and pointed out that both boys had worked for him in the family construction business, and one chose to run in front of bullets and the other chose to run into burning buildings instead of working for us. I squinted at him and said, “What on earth did you *do* to them?”
He laughed, but I was kinda serious.
The older is almost 40, the baby almost 36, and I still worry. They’re capable, very well-trained, lots of commendations, and it doesn’t matter, I still worry.
I have kinda made my peace with worrying–I’ve convinced myself it’s just anxious prayer. (grin)
As a parent of both younger and older kids I can tell you that I stress and worry about both types. I just worry in different ways. For my younger it’s are they getting up to trouble when I suddenly stop hearing the repeated banging of blocks for the older I worry about them moving across state for a job and not being able to just run across town if needed.
You have the best readers????
Oh *hugs* I think the world just feels so much less safe now than it did than even a few years ago. It seems like violence is erupting more often and while everyone wants to ostrich the virus out of existence, the truth is that it’s still very much out there with the potential to mutate into something that can defeat the vaccines. Trust in the government is at an all-time low and I am truly fearful of what the next 5 years can bring. I did swap to watching solved cold cases from the 80s to get my true-crime fix and it seems to have helped a little; I find them on YouTube. There’s something very satisfying about knowing that the person responsible was caught and justice prevailed, even if it took awhile. Your girls seem to be very sensible and with good hearts. Trust in that.
PS I’m currently waiting out a concussion from a car accident and have only been allotted an hour of screen time a day. I have been passing the days by listening to the DA editions of your audio books. I generally hate audio books (they’re too slow), but these are delightful. Thank you so much for making the world more bearable.
More now for son1 who is 25 and just moved out amid tension. Less now for son2 who is 21. Lord knows what will be for daughter1 who is now 15 going on 25.
You are not alone! I worry…..differently…..now that our son is a young adult on his own. He is smart, capable, trustworthy, and possesses a genuine ability to connect with people. And yet, I worry that he is overconfident. That he will find himself in circumstances he is unprepared for.
I suspect I am consolidating a variety of stress sources onto this single focus. :-/
I am a worrier by nature and when my children were young, I lived in a constant state of anxiety trying to worry them safe. My husband did not stress like I did.
Now that they are adults—33, 29 and 27– I focus more on how well they are doing and not worry about the choices they make or the random things that can go wrong. But life is full of lots of random, stress inducing incidents and it is hard not to think about those kinds of events.
Sure, I wish the ones who moved all the way across country would buy some damn shoes for the 15 month old grand baby and I wish our youngest would take her dang meds but hey, they are good people and contribute to their communities. They work. They graduated.
In contrast, my husband now worries about everything.
I don’t know if there is a way to turn that off. I talk to them and text a lot and try to stay connected that helps me.
Mine are 36, 38 and just turned 40. Over the years I have trained myself to accept that I did the best I could, they are wonderful human beings and no amount of worry will change a thing.
When I start to go down the rabbit hole, I remind myself of the Serenity Prayer. Give me the strength to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the difference. And to keep my opinions to myself!
Worry way more…sigh.
Every parent worries about their children. The worries evolve with time. Toddlers and pre-teens, you worry about crossing streets and swimming pools. For teenagers, you worry about cars. For us, the real challenge came with adulthood, when our three had six tours in Iraq and Afghanistan from 2006 to 2010. Suddenly, the earlier years were easier to remember.
I’m sure I will worry more as my son ages. He’s only 7 but we live in a country town and every time I talk to my city friends they’re amazed at his level of freedom. He’s often away up the street at one or two houses for hours on end. And I do worry as we have a fairly transient town, with a bad legacy of violence. But I’ve taught him what is age appropriate. And I have to trust that he’s my kid, and therefore loud enough to shout kick punch his way out of trouble. My poor mum still worries for me no end. A diagnosis of an autoimmune disorder at 33 that means I’ve had 3 surgeries in 4 years is not helping either. It doesn’t matter that I’m following health care guidelines when I’m continuing to lift weights to help counteract it, she still freaks out that I lift. To be fair, with no context, someone who is scheduled for surgery in 3 weeks on their hip doesn’t usually leg press 90kgs. But it’s the only thing that relieves the pain. So I listen to my doctors and try not to tell my mum stuff that freaks her out unnecessarily.
More.
Always. A mother is always a mother and it can be hard to watch them being independent
I have two great kids, one is 22 and the other is 13. I worry the same amount but about different things. I worry about my daughter commuting every day in heavy traffic. I worry about my son’s continuing struggles with reading and language skills. I worry about my daughter’s unwillingness to try new anything. I worry about 13’s good nature being taken advantage of by “friends”. They both live at home, no one does anything criminal. Having your heart live outside your body means you worry.
My older child (daughter) is 43 to my 73. She went away to college at 17 and basically stayed away ever since. Oh, she and her husband visit but they live in Maryland and both of them have busy professional lives, so I don’t see them often.
I have had to accept that she was an adult and going to do what she wanted – and I could not influence the outcome.
She travels often for work. When she does, I worry but I don’t feel that I can ask for updates on safe arrivals and the like. I’d love to, but I won’t.
My second (son) and his wife live close to me and are willing to not only join me for Sunday dinner, but invite me over for supper once a week after they get home from work. We see each other twice a week and sometimes more if there’s something going on.
They are all successful grown up people. I realize this and am glad that they have become independent and happy.
It doesn’t help. I worry just as much about them as I do about the kids I don’t see very often. At least I have narrowed down what I allow myself to stress over.
When the kids were young, we were their shield. Mine are navigating being adults successfully, but we are no longer their shield. Can we borrow some vampire armor for them or have grandma Freida’s build something?
Sure, I worry. But then I see where they are in their lives and how far they each have come and I am amazed!
Yes, definitely.
I think I worry more because the world is scarier and I can’t influence them and their choices as adults.
I don’t have children, but I feel like my dad worries about me more in my adulthood than when I was in my teen years. Despite the fact that I’m gainfully employed in a career I love, I don’t have any debts, and I’m happily married.
Perhaps it’s because I moved across the country so he can’t see me (and guage my happiness/assuage his worries)?
Every year they got older, my worrying increased exponentially. I watch too much crime drama. I worry about everything.
80 years ago, I was in kindergarten which was about 3 blocks from my house. A year later, in 1st grade, I rode a streetcar about 6 miles to school. My mom rode with me the first day and told me to remember where to get of and get on that trolley. The 2nd day began seven years of riding that streetcar.
My sisters and I were taught to take care of ourselves. We all learned how to cook and shop for groceries by the time we were in 9th grade.
My wife, a European, was raised the same way with an added difficulty, she lived in a country that was bombed frequently during WW II.
We tried and were mostly successful in creating some upstanding, courteous, and thoughtful children.
What we worried about was their derring do. One traveled on her own through several Iron Curtain nations. She was 18 years old.
Another circumnavigated the South America twice when he was 19.
Three became teachers and the other two worked in Computer technology.
One owns his own company, two are retired, one is still teaching and the other is flipping houses.
What we worry about is not Covid or other disease, we worry about politics. Specifically about megalomaniacs pushing the nuclear button.
It ebbs and flows for me. Mine are all in their 30s now and I have learned to let them go. They know if the effluent starts flying that they can call on me, but they haven’t had to for about 5 years now so I’m more relaxed
Ilona, I really relate. I worry about way different things, and I think it feels worse because I don’t even have the pretense to myself of being able to control the outcomes.
I have a child with quite severe health issues. He is likely to die before me, and there is nothing we have been able to do to make it better.
I have 3 grandkids. Now I get to worry about them, too!
Sending much love.
I worry more too. There is a saying, “Little kids-little problems. Big kids-big problems.” And it’s pretty accurate.
Hugs to you and the fam.
Oh, yes. My own mother told me that a child is various sorts of a child for the first 21 years but a mother is a mother for the rest of her life. My youngest is over 30 and I have to be really firm with myself to let them live their lives without my (unasked for) input.
We had some anxiety as each of the three kids went away to college, but had faith and confidence that we had done our best to model sensible behavior and good decision making, and that we had raised them to become responsible adults. It seems to have worked out. We have a doctor who has delivered a couple thousand babies, a teacher coach who is instrumental in the functioning of her elementary school, and a teacher who is wonderful working with autistic kids. So have confidence in the job you have done. If your parenting is up to the standards of the books you have written, your kids have to be awesome!
I didn’t expect it, but I worry so much more now that he’s a grown adult man living hours away on his own. He’s become a responsible member of society, has a good job that he likes, and I’m proud of him. I travel to see him as often as I can, but it’s hard knowing I’m not there if he did happen to need me.
The reassurance comes when I get a text or call asking me how to do something, what I put in the dish he liked so much so he can recreate it…
I don’t think the worry ever goes away. We just have to trust them to be safe on their own.
My worries are different now that the girls are adults. There is less I can do, and even less that I should do, to help navigate the rocks and shoals of life. Their choices are so different from when I was there age. I just have to let them make their mistakes, as I made mine, let them know I love and support them, and hope and pray for the best,
I’m 51. No husband, no children. But my parents are traveling out of state right now and I’m worried all the time about them.
Honestly, I think this anxiety has manifested because of the pandemic.
Oh for sure I worry more now. My son went to Moab in April to go off-roading. The worst part is he had me watch a video of the terrain he was going to be off-roading before he left.
I am 32. A lawyer. And married to another lawyer. We have a house and dogs and a frighteningly low mortgage rate.
I went to Cabo for a bachelorette party and my mother was a mess. She called every day. I think in her mind she feels like everything is going so well she’s perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Yes I do. Because none of their problems can be fixed with a kiss/hug/superhero bandage.
My kids are now 29 and 31. I’m better now but early to mid 20s was rough. You are a parent but not parenting. Sometimes they want advice sometimes they don’t. Hang in there, it gets somewhat easier.
My oldest is now an adult and moved out in May. I’m very proud of her and happy for her, but I constantly worry about her. She’s going to California this weekend with her boyfriend and yes, I’m worried. I think that’s part of life. We worried when they were little, but they were with us all the time so it wasn’t as hard or anxiety inducing as it is now they’re away and we really don’t know what is happening. I’m hoping it gets better lol.
Mine is 40. It’s HARD to not butt into her life with my worries. You are not alone.
PS: She’s a PhD grad scientist with a fantastic career. But I still worry.
My kids are older adults, 41 and 39 as of today’s date. I tend not to worry as I realized I don’t have any control over any future events. I did the best I could raising them to be responsible adults and for the most part they are doing reasonably well. Having said that, I’m a realist too. Bad things happen. I worry after the event.
My sons are 43 and 46 this year.
I have never been a helicopter parent and was always the disciplinarian. They were told they were responsible for the choices they made, good, bad, or indifferent so stop and think about the choices you make because 10 seconds of stupidity can change your life forever. Not to say there weren’t problems but with God’s grace they both survived accidents and plain immature stupidity. As they grew up they were taught that if they borrowed something and damaged it they were responsible for repairing or replacing it. I would bail them out of jail one time, if it happened again, barring a very good reason, they’d sit in jail until their clothes rotted off or I was forced to come and get them. Honestly, so much depends on their personalities, consistent guidance, and open communication about “possible” issues and situations. During their high school years I went to ALANON for a couple years. The most valuable things I learned were “let go and let God” and the only behavior you can control is your behavior and your response to a situation. You cannot control someone else’s behavior and all your worry will not change their choices. When one of the boys asked my opinion mostly my response was to ask if they researched x, y, z prior to making their decision then respect it. I have reminded myself thousands of times “it’s not my life and not my choice” sometimes a very tough sentiment to live by.
I find that my worries are of a different sort with adult children. I worry that they will get into a bad accident. My oldest daughter and her family did get into a terrible accident when a transport truck with double trailers lost control and rolled over on black ice. Although my son in law was in hospital for 9 months and needed years of therapy, they are all doing OK now. I always tell my kids to drive safe and watch out for all the crazy drivers. My middle daughter lives 3000 miles away and I miss her very much.
Not a mom, but I’m the adult kid of my family and as I see my little sister grow up and start traveling to other cities and states I do get nervous and stressed, also scared for her. My mom thinks that’s because we (my sister and I) take more risks and family is away therefore if we have a problem or a situation we are kind of our own, and for her that is stressful yet at the same an exercise to trust and letting go. She likes to say that we are her strong and beautiful birds, that she did her best teaching us how to fly, so fly we must hahaha (even if she is scared out of her mind). But yeah.
It’s difficult to describe. On one side yes, on the other side no. Yes because you no longer can protect them in the ways you did as they have been younger. Less because I’m no longer responsible. Maybe it’s a part of our own grouth and development to learn that we can’t protect everybody everywhere and everytime.
Definitively more. My child will become 21 in a few weeks and needs to commute to work daily for hours on end. I’m still worried about him and usually ask him via WhatsApp if he’s arrived safely and such things.
Definitely more, at 16 after a school trip to Tanzania my daughter advised she was going to take her gap year before university and go to Asia and Australia. She spent 2 years working and saving so she was either working or studying . At 18 she boarded her plane to Bangkok, I spent the first 3 months of her trip as a basket case even with Skype and WhatsApp. She’s been back got her degree and living 10 miles away and I still worry every day
I worry more. They are 30 and 31
My kids are 43 and 40 now. They’re stable adults, and now we have the opportunity to worry about them and their children. Society is much less stable now than when they were children and there’s as much or more to worry about, plus more people to worry about.
I’m in my 30s and my mom still stays awake at night waiting for me to text her that my plane has landed. She has flight tracking apps installed on her tablet and will often text me about gate changes and delays before they even post them on the airport info boards. She also routinely calls me to ask me what I ate for dinner so I think you may not be alone in this.
To me it seems I have the same amount of worry, divided over less issues, makes for more worry per issue?
Lots of good feedback already, so I’ll try not to repeat. I definitely worry more now (my two kids are in college and live within an hour so we still see them quite a bit) – think it is partly personality and partly having to trust that they’ve got it. They’re both doing great but it feels like it’s so easy for that to turn. I think modern American culture amplifies that idea and just try to remind myself that just because things can go badly doesn’t mean they will. 🙂
My son works for the Dept of Justice. Across the country. He didn’t return my calls. I texted. Nothing, finally I call his work number and his voice-mail had a different name on it. He’d worked at that desk for 4 years. I left a voicemail.. call me or I’m calling the FBI. I was so worried. Finally he calls, oh, I didn’t change the voicemail… he still hasn’t. Mom I’m fine, just busy. I’m not dead in a ditch, why is it always a ditch??? Lol mom’s will always worry.
I married into adult kids & grandkids. When many of my friends had toddlers/grade school kids they were saying “I can’t wait until they turn 18” and I was responding “the problems are just bigger and more expensive.”
I know you know that just because they are now “adults” doesn’t mean you no longer care for them and will help them…the problems are just bigger and more expensive 😉
Sending positive parenting vibes!
Mom will be 100 in November (I will be 70 in December) . . . I think she worries more about me now than ever in my earlier years. Oddly she has her favorites of which I probably came in 4th out of 4 . . . but now if I miss my phone call to her (scheduled day/time due to all the scammers that she ignores — so the time will tell if she picks up the phone) she’ll call me on a cell phone to chase me down and ask why didn’t I call. (phone that gives her nothing but fits because of the 3G to 5G changeover (don’t get me started — she’s now on her 4th “changeover” phone since she couldn’t operate the others (and they were similar to her old one . . . it’s hell getting old.) Love her dearly and figure she’s good for another 20 years at least.
More, I think. Whoever said having children is like having your beating heart walking around willy-nilly outside your body was spot on. When my kids were young, I knew where they were and who they were with at all times so I could keep the fears somewhat at bay. Now, I have no idea where they are most of the time. With one child in particular, who lives across the country has a job where he can be out of pocket with no communication for days on end, it’s even worse, as I may not even know what state he’s in. Even after several months of this, I get mildly ill at the thought. To get through it, I tell myself they’re smart, industrious, and were raised by us to be strong, capable adults. Getting out into the world and living their dreams was our goal for them. I can’t freak out when they actually do it. Well, I can, but I don’t let them see it.
I now live across country from my two adult children and it’s crazy hard. There’s so much random crazy going on around the country that I worry about things happening to them. They are both smart, kind, capable people, so I know they will make good choices. It’s the things they can’t control that spikes my anxiety.
I generally worry more! Not about my oldest daughter, bless her, but usually about the youngest. These daughters are 42 and 44 years old so you would think it would ease my mind a bit but the level of the excuse to worry seems to be higher!. The oldest just went on a 10 day trip with a church group to Israel so hubby and I had a DEFINITE travel worry there but that is to be expected, I suppose. My younger daughter is the cause of most of our severe worry! She divorced her husband who has a severe anger issue in 2015, so dealing with him over the children has been an issue-especially over the youngest grandson who is autistic and needs regular medication to function well at school. He is, thank heaven almost eleven now and she has set up at school for him to receive his daily medicine at school, but his father will not give his medicine when Mason is with him. Fortunately, Mason is a brilliant kid and can now do his own medication but we are furious that the father will not do even this level of care! Anyway, worry never ends and when you have grandchildren it just continues to another generation! In addition, my younger daughter just purchased her own business so she is working herself nearly to death! the business is doing well but the ongoing daily work for a busy pharmacy is VERY demanding! She has had covid TWICE! A result, I believe, of being run down physically from overwork! Worry NEVER ends!
I can’t actually answer this as a parent, but as a child I think it’s mixed. When kids are still young and under their parents’ roof, the parents are decided things on behalf of the kids, or supporting them making life choices – whichever way, they are involved. But once the kids fly the nest, they are responsible for their own choices, and while the parents can offer advice/encouragement, they’re not in control any more. I can imagine that, in a way, it’s worse, because they are on the sidelines watching…
Also, I think people tend to worry more as they get older? Stuff that you blithely didn’t think twice about in your twenties might start to worry you more in your forties, or sixties… Or maybe that’s just my parents…
When they first moved out, more. After a year to two a lot less.
I worry just as much, just for different things. Raising my two sons was tough. But the anxiety over them never goes away. They are adults now, and I keep worrying. The pandemic did not help. At all. These days, I am just trying to talk myself out of the anxiety (with mixed success) and realize there are things I can’t control.
The worry never goes away. But I find some consolation by telling myself that I will be there for them if they need me. I survived despite my parent’s worries (which I can totally understand nowadays), so hopefully, they will survive too.
No kids, but I’m almost 60 and a fairly successful professional, and my mom still wants me to call when I get there if I’m on a trip. She also dispenses medical advice (go see the doctor!) and sends money randomly at times. I’m sure she’s the same with my siblings, two of whom have children of their own.
I think if you’re wired to worry about your kids all the time, it doesn’t stop. My mother was like that with her kids– right up until she passed away at the age of 94. I’m paranoid about my own kids. I thought it would be better once they got older, but it’s not. They do more things and go more places now as young adults and my husband and I don’t have the same control over them that we had before. For example, my oldest daughter is going on 22 and will be getting married to a young man she met 5 years ago playing games and socializing on the Internet. He lives in Uruguay. We’re in Canada. She spent a few weeks with him and his family last Christmas, loved him, his family and the slower pace of Uruguayan life and they decided they wanted to get married. I’m not happy about it at all. I think she’s way too young and hasn’t had enough life experiences, but she’s adamant that they love each other and want to be together forever. We can’t stop her (so hard to accept that), so we’re supporting her as much as we can and we’ll all be at her wedding in December in Uruguay. My younger daughter will be going into residence for her first year of university in September and I’m always reminding her not to walk around the campus alone at night, not to leave drinks unattended at parties, not to blindly trust everyone she meets…not to…not to… ad nauseum. We worry about our son, who is 27 and travels a lot. I see a very dangerous world and I’m afraid for him to be out in it. I cope by watching the news as little as possible and by talking over the fears and anxiety with my husband who worries himself, but is more realistic about our lack of control. Long walks through the woods help my anxiety as well.
Yes I think I worry the same or even more now. I think you are correct that we know what could go wrong and what a state the world is in generally.
Honestly, no. My kids are 35 & 28. Teen years I worried a bit, but now I generally figure their life, their problem! Maybe I’m just not a worrier? Or maybe I’m too busy worrying about my mom now.
My 1 and 2 are 27 and 22. Number 1 has been in the UK finishing a degree and taking advantage of traveling as much as possible. When the “I am home” text appears, the pressure in my stomach releases. Number 2 is only an hour away at school, but is not as communicative. The worry is still there until a visit home for food and laundry.
I do worry more as well. They are our hearts walking around outside of us! I have heard that quote somewhere and it really resonants with me. I am so happy when things are going well for them. When I think of those scenarios that could happen, I just pray. Otherwise, I would be more of a basket case than I already am.
I have no bio children but I have my step sister, for whom I have been responsible since 2017. She’s 12 years younger than me. She’s a professional chef working in an elite kitchen in a luxury hotel in a major city. When we cook together, I stress about her hurting herself with a knife, because I can’t unsee her as a child. It’s ridiculous. I am 33. She is an adult herself, and a largely responsible one. But still, I worry when she drives long distances to see her friends, or goes out at night, or does just about anything that causes me to feel like forced beyond my control will hurt her or take her from me.
Soooooo I can’t say whether it’s “more or less” than her childhood, because I’ve only been solely responsible and worried about her since she was 16.
But it’s probably too much. I think that’s the price of love. I never wanted children, but I’m so proud of her. I like providing for her and being someone she goes to for advice. I’d make a deal with the devil to keep her safe and happy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Worry for those we love at any age seems like a relatively healthy place for excess worry. Or am I just excusing myself? Who can say?
I’m the adult child of a constantly worried mom. I kept thinking “Why? I’m not doing anything for you to worry about!” but that was just her. She worried, called 3 times a day, and heaven help me if she didn’t reach me. She’d call every 10 minutes! Mind, this was before cell phones. It just all took so much energy! I would never tell her if there was a problem, because then I had to deal with her emotions/suggestions and the problem itself! I was mentally adamant that I would not/could not do that to my kids. They are now 37 and 42, each with their own 3 kids. I don’t really worry, because they have become amazing adults. They do have “stuff”, and sometimes they’ve shared, knowing they they can lean on mom for a bit. That’s my cue to worry for a bit to myself, but for the most part, they’re good. It’s actually one of the best feelings in the world to see and appreciate my adult children as adults.
I forgot to say…kind of interestingly, both my kids are worriers! I guess it just skipped a generation. ????
I find myself getting worried about them frequently. When they were in high school I only worried about 1of them. Now I worry about all 5 plus spouse’s and grandchildren.
you will always worry about your children if you love them, no matter how old they are. Breathe.
I worry too now that they are out of the nest
My biggest struggle with my parents as an adult was that I would ask for advice, they’d give it, but then get really upset if I didn’t do exactly what they said. They then started saying that if I wasn’t going to take their advice then they wouldn’t give any. This caused a fair amount of conflict for a long time. Then one day my mom called saying she had realized something. She had gone from being in undergrad with support from her parents, to living with my dad, to marrying him and eventually having kids. She had never truly lived on her own or been a single member household. Yet she has three daughters who where all in their thirties, unmarried, with no kids, maintaining long term careers. She said “I realized my advice is based on my own experiences but you are doing things I don’t have any experience with. Of course you aren’t always going to take my advice.” It led to such an incredible discussion and all of our relationships improved so much. I think being a parent to adults is one of the scariest experiences because you can’t always help them anymore.
That’s so beautiful. I always wished my mom would see this differences in my life and hers, and realize that I need to make different decisions. She never did. But I used to think about stories like this, from friends, when out relationship was especially strained. It always helped. Thanks for sharing.
Mine needs to leave again, so I can worry. LOL
Watch less news. I remember thinking a while ago, “Why am I seeing this house fire/car crash/shooting/etc not only in another city but in another state on my local news?” I think it is simply because they have footage and it fills air time, but the net result is ramped up anxiety for everyone.
Which doesn’t mean that parental worry isn’t real or valid. It is always hard when you can’t protect them any more. To quote Grandma Frida, “Penelope, the baby is hurt!”
I worry less, but that is because I am intentional about letting go.
I tell myself frequently that I have no control and need to trust.
Probably much easier because I give it to my higher power.
I raised 3 boys. Like your kids they didn’t get into anything as bad as was out there. But yes I still worry. It’s getting better now that they are all in their 30’s, but it’s still there.
You NEVER stop being a Mom!
Good luck
Five adult children here, between the two of us. And we still worry. Only now it’s all about “not butting in” unless they ask for help. Almost harder than making sure they were home by curfew. But we have to let them make some mistakes, just like when they learned to walk.
Parents never stop worrying, but it’s really that we never stop caring.
As I tell my mom. You raised competent adults, trust in that. ????
My son is in the Navy. He is 27. I worry more about him now than I ever did when he was a teenager at home. My mom told me worrying would never be over. I didn’t believe her. She occasionally smiles at me and says, “I told you…”
I can so relate! When my son was in the Navy I worried about him as he was traveling all over the world on missions and we never knew where he was. I would get phone calls from him asking me to send him a box of x,y,z to an APO box and then we would know he was alive at least. It was especially tough because no one else I knew had a child in the military so no one could relate to what I was feeling. I felt very alone in my worry, I guess I would say.
Mine only child is now 19, and I worry way more than I ever have before. And it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I personally think it’s because so much of the world seems to be on fire and in chaos. Ongoing pandemic (that people are increasingly ignoring), climate change, war, the global rise of fascism & I brought a child into this?! It’s freaking me out.
I have 2 (young) adult kids and 2 high schoolers and the worry is there but totally different for the different life phases. My grown ups? Maybe because they are still young in their grown up phase or maybe because I don’t have them under my roof (or even in the same state) and I can’t intervene when I see a tsunami coming… that happens right? I don’t know but the worry is real and hard. It’s cause we love them so much and we still want to keep them safe in so many ways. I get it, and you are not alone in it!
Your books are my distraction LOL! Thanks for making me laugh when I wanted to cry and cry when I needed to cry and feel like a super power because the emotions from your stories bleed out. You both are awesome.
This post reminds me of a scene in the movie My Family (1995) where the parents are in bed, worrying about their adult children. They go through each one, worrying about the various problems, stresses, etc., that each child is facing and then end the worry session by remembering the youngest who they feel is doing well. And it is by thinking of him that they are able to sleep.
If you haven’t seen this movie, I recommend it – it’s not perfect, but I enjoyed it and I thought it had a realistic look at various life stages, such as the stress of parenting adult children.
Yes I worry about my children all the time, we (my husband and I) pray for them and their safety in this chaotic world around us.
They are adults now with their own families.
What’s interesting about your adult children is what they will come back and say to you when they have their own households, example:
Mom (Dad), why did you let us get away with this/that or the other? You should have come down harder on us than what you did (A harsher punishment?). Well that’s interesting.
OR
the escapades they got into during their school years that we did not know about but were later informed of on each of their wedding days as a confession to us.
Shock!!
Now…..
On a much more serious note…….
I pray for all the children around the country these days.
Children should be allowed to be children, it will be soon enough when they will have to address the adult world and deal with it, but let a child be a child for that short amount of time, don’t steal it from them, let them enjoy it while they can………….
I most definitely worry more not both my kids are adults. My daughter is even now a mom with two little ones at home. I worry that something is going to happen and I am not going to be there to help. I know she is capable and she is a very strong young woman, but I do definitely worry more.
Of course – now they make their own decisions and sometimes do weird things like quit their jobs on a whim and wander off to find themselves! Now they date odd people and get married in Las Vegas – but not really. Oh well, I could go on and on but what’s the use – they are adults and so long as they stay out of jail, I should be grateful.
Ilona – thank you for this post. It resonates with me. I have a 16&19 year old and I think teens are the worst phase so far.
This helps me to reset my expectations on what’s next. Love reading the comments from others.
I’ll note, I’m almost 50 and doing very well by life standards but I flew to DC for the day yesterday and had to text my husband, mom and sister when I took off and landed. I guess worried about your loved ones really never stops.
I don’t think the current state of the world really changes it. I think our awareness of disasters is heightened due to 24hr news cycles and social media that drives the “what if??”. It was better when we weren’t so aware.
It’s such an interesting phenomenon. On the one hand, they’ve made it to adulthood and are generally having actual adult lives. On the other hand, the issues they face are so difficult and/or pervasive and/or significant, that you CANNOT TRULY HELP. If they have a mindset that’s causing them problems, you can’t talk them out of it. If they’re encountering sexism or other forms of discrimination in the work place, you can’t fix it. If they’re terrified of climate change and its impact on their future, you can’t really affect that at all.
It makes you sometimes long for the days when you were their world and could bring them unfettered joy in so many easy ways. These days it’s hard to even do that (even with big gifts!). And as you may learn, as you age you may become not a source of joy but a source of worry for them if your own health or finances or anything else falters.
Hard to fit such a big love that still remains into any reasonable, socially-acceptable place. I feel for you, and with you. Good luck.
Well said
I agree with so many of the comments! Different worries. Daughter (33) is happily married, two toddlers, and enjoys a challenging profession in engineering. My biggest worry there is her husband’s OCD . Younger son (28) is also in a high demand engineering field. However, due to emotional problems, he took off and backpacked in Europe for four months last year – we at least got a phone call once a week. I worry most about my middle child, male (30). He has what used to be called sensory integration disorder, which is now lumped into the autism spectrum. He is very introverted and seems happy to live in his sister’s basement forever. He has enough credits to graduate from college. but due to bad advising they don’t meet major requirements and his lack of interpersonal communication skills makes it difficult for him to push enough to get help to finish.
About the same, which is not very much. For one of them, anyway. We encouraged our kids to adult (be self-sufficient s much as reasonable) from the time they were teenagers, and our oldest child learned the skills well. Our younger child not so much, but she also has host of issues, so things can be touch and go. Our level of worry about her is much higher than our eldest, but it has always been that way.
One thing I have noticed is that the things w worry about change as they get older.
Yes, I worry more. They don’t live with me or even in the same state, so I don’t see them often and phone calls arent the same as talking to them at home. Remember those end of the day chats, usually in my case, sitting on the bed. I really hate yyo add to your worries, but when they get married, you (or at least I) just add another person to you list of people to worry about. And then they have children, and you have grandchildren! Worry never ends.
I worry more, particularly I worry about my adult daughters.
My oldest daughter lives in Florida and drives home to Ohio 2-3 times per year. I follow every mile of her progress and can’t settle until she is here and then back home. My youngest daughter and her husband bought their “ vintage dream house”(aka really old with really old wiring). I live in fear that their house will catch on fire while they are sleeping. So yeah, you never stop worrying.
My children are in their 50’s. Now I sit with them as they worry about their adult children and try to be the calm, assuring grandparent. If you have raised your family to be loving and supportive of each other it gives you a structure of support though thick and thin.
I think that it feels like there is more to worry about now, period.
The stakes feel higher.
The contemporaries in my family are having children and I look at these precious little lives and wonder what sort of future they can even hope for.
It’s been a hard couple of years or more. I don’t think my parents looked at me at the same age and had quite the same fears.
The world is just more complex and difficult than when I was young (grew up in the 50s 60s. In the 1970s, you got a job, kept it for at least 5 years cause no one liked job hoppers. You went home and did home things. No texts or email from the office that you have to handle right now.
It feels like it was safer. It probably wasn’t for many, but the 24 hour news cycle wasn’t ever present. There’s eColi outbreak in Michigan & Ohio right now. Severe drought along with fires out west. Rivers are drying up and water is going to be a luxury as well as a necessity.
And finally, your babies are always your babies no matter the age.
I definitely worry now more than when they were younger. I need to reach out and touch them 🙂 I don’t think the worries ever go away. The world is so much bigger than when I was young.
I would like to respond as both a parent of a younger child and a child myself of deeply overprotective parents. This is something I grapple with – but a lot of times my parents’ fear can feel stifling and reduce my own confidence and trust in myself. I have to learn from my own mistakes and the scariness of making my own choices but it’s good to know I have someone who cares about me – does that narrative help you reframe your worries as almost a back up support or cheering section rather than the starring role? It may help to read Julie Lythcott Haim’s work as that has helped me reframe what parenting means to me.
Worries More! Wait til you add Grandkids! Then you will know worry, and joy so much joy! I love my kids, but my grandbaby is a whole other Love. She just makes my heart happy!
I am 42 and my mom worries ALL THE TIME about me, especially when I travel. I suspect that some of it is just because she’s a natural worrier, but I also think some of it might be related to the news/true crime shows she watches constantly. When I traveled to San Antonio recently, she was just sure that I would be kidnapped by sex trafficers and spirited away across the border in a car trunk, never to be heard from again. (And in case you think she has something specific against San Antonio and/or Texas, she had the same fears when we went to the Bahamas and Tahiti.)
Unpopular opinion time: I know a lot of people enjoy true crime stories and are fine with it, but I also believe that for some people it can plant a niggling voice of “what if”in their heads. Almost like if you surround yourself with stores of evil people, you tend to see evil people everywhere. I myself cannot watch/listen to those shows because it makes me feel terrible…depressed and fearful and like a stain on my soul. Other people seem to be fine with it, so your milage may vary. But if your worries are specifically something physically bad happening to your kids, maybe cut out the true crime for awhile (or better yet, replace it with happy news about people doing good in the world). However,
if your worries are more related to your kid having a bad credit score or making a poor choice of haircut, then the true crime stories are probably not the culprit.
Yes. When my kids were still at home, I had the illusion of control. It WAS an illusion, but at least I had it. Once they left home and I had no further control of any kind, it was much, much more stressful. They are now in their 50’s and it’s not better. It’s worse. It’s a tough world we’re in, and it’s hard to see them struggle and not be able to do much.
Yes!! I think it’s because when they’re small you can pretty much control their lives. Once they’re older and on their own you have no control. I’ve come to realize that. I say the “Serenity Prayer” ALOT!
Ilona,
I have eight sons, eight daughter in laws, 38 grandchildren, five grandchildren who have become my grandchildren when they married my oldest grandchildren, one great grandchild and two more great grandchildren due in October. I worry more about the ones having problem—which are usually the ones I have the most contact with. Life is inherently challenging. Every person, rich, poor, important, influential, or just a regular common soul has hurtles to climb over. You cannot remove those from your children, a person learns as they climb those obstacles.
I suggest you reread the talk in “Sweep of the Blade” between Arland’s mother and Maude. It is the best advice I have ever heard and it originated inside your and your husband’s collective minds.
Don’t get me wrong, I still worry but I keep my mouth shut. I tell the babes I love them and then I pray for specific blessings. Thankfully the Lord is always listening and He is kind.
My boys are 24 and 27, and I definitely worry more now than when they were teens. I suspect it’s because mistakes and messes as an adult have greater potential to cause long-term consequences, and I know I can’t prevent or fix any of it. That’s tough to accept.
I think I worry differently, but I definitely have my helicopter-mom moments. We live in Washington state, and this summer my eldest took a trip to Brazil to stay with T, who she’s been cyber-dating for a couple of years.
Kid 1 is self-sufficient, level-headed and responsible. When she was 18, she moved to a town about 135 miles away to go to college, and she’s still there. She has been supporting herself since getting her degree. It’s not like she’s not a “real” adult, and there was no real reason for me to worry.
I was a nervous wreck. My baby in a foreign country! A not-Canada foreign country! I wanted to forbid it. Not only a ridiculous response, but exactly why would my tough, strong-willed 24-year-old obey?
I fretted about safety in Brazil… then I thought about being a foreign mom whose child was going to the USA and what kinds of things would be on the news. Yeah, I would not be in favor.
Kid 1 had a fantastic 2-week vacation in Puerto Alegre. T is absolutely adorable and they ended the trip (their first in-person meeting) still a couple.
The next hurdle is that they have been talking, and if they want to move forward with their relationship, one of them will be moving a long ways from their home. T has some minor health issues that are kept well in check with medications, so Kid 1 is leaning towards moving to Brazil, since they have universal health care. Eeek!
I have traveled the world, and remote areas of the US, and my parents still want me to check in so they know I wasn’t murdered by a serial killer even though I graduated from grad school more than 2 decades ago.
So from the kid part of this equation, I’m gonna say that sounds pretty normal to me.
I have noticed that I definitely worry more about my adult children now than before but in a different way. Before I worried about them getting hurt while playing, trying to educate them as to Stranger danger without making them fearful of everyone, etc. Now I worry about them getting hurt at work, getting a terminal health diagnose, etc. It’s very stressful.
I worry much more now that I have no control. Our youngest lives in Columbus OH and we live in Toledo, OH. She goes on trips with friends all the time and I hear about it after the fact. Our kids are better at reading what is going on than we were at their ages. You will never stop worrying; but don’t let it make you lose sleep.
My children are 27 (daughter) and 23 (son).
Yes, I still do worry about them. The issues that they face now as adults have much higher positive/negative consequences than the issues they faced as children or teenagers. As a believer in Christ, I constantly have to remind myself that Jesus told us “Do not worry” and then “hand them over to Jesus” in prayer. Praying for my children’s health and welfare does help keep the worry at bay.
More. Both of my daughters are mid-20s, still living at home, finishing up their degrees and anxious to get out on their own. Uncertain times, fragile economy, volatile politics, higher level of unrest and lack of civility than I have ever seen. One daughter appears Hispanic, the other Asian. I fear for them.
I will never forget listening to my Great-grandfather tell my dad how worried he was about Virginia his daughter. He was 92 and she was 74…Apparently it never ends. Hugs to all the parents who worry.
Frankly, I think caring parents never stop worrying. The worry might plateau from time to time as you eek out a breather between the major milestones…
But a child going on a school trip in kindergarten and a child grown going on a trip out of state pulls on the same heart string. Even though the exact reason for the worry may differ, the fundamental root is the same: concern for their safety. Their wellbeing.
I believe it was in Briggs’ novel Frost Burned wherein one of the side characters said something like, “You’ll still be my child when you’re fifty and I’m seventy.”
Perhaps parental worries scale exponentially…
My three are in their mid forties and still tell me when they go away from their home base area. On the flip side, they insisted I wear a watch with an SOS feature to let them know when I am in trouble. I am a single parent.
Sometimes I have to remind myself they are grown up and I can voice my concerns, they will roll their eyes or think I’m just being nuts and in the end, they will do what they desire. It’s just how it is. When I was their age, I thought I was now an adult and could do as I desired. I didn’t consider it would worry my parents. Now the shoe is on the other foot. And you know what? They will always be our babies and we will always worry. I
Worry less, overall. Did everything I signed up to do, so when adult children made/make choice I think is problematic, or are in situations personally bringing me qualms, I remind myself they are forging their own way in life(which often means taking risks, making choices, being in situations often different than their parents). Worry will not prevent much of anything, and it will mostly debilitate you. You may give lovingly intended advice as parent, but fully accept that it may not be used! Remember that few things or mistakes are actually permanently damaging or fatal. If they are already “adulting”, they have a bag full of coping skills, and will add to it. So, if necessary, murmur “Via con Dios”, and remind yourself that life will teach them what you could not.
I think I worry more now because one of the hardest aspects of my adult life was going from being a participant in my children’s everyday lives to a spectator as they take flight onto their own chosen adventures. It’s not only wondrous to behold but also nerve wracking. ????
My “kids” are now in their 40s. I still worry. My mother told me that the difference between worrying about them at home or out in the world, was global vs. specific worrying, truth. What she didn’t tell me was that you spend a lot of time with your teeth clenched, so you don’t say too much.
There are so many beautiful comments in the other posts.
Yes, I worry more. My daughters are well into adulthood and are doing fine by all measures. It drives me nuts when they worry about elderly me, so I try to dial back my own worry to being watchful and respectful and caring. I think I worry more because the choices and consequences they face are so serious. Plus I recall some bad choices of my own, and know that good luck played a big role in getting me past some of those choices. As I get older I become more aware of the dangers that everyone faces.
So, my best to you and all of yours. Also, my thanks to you and the moderators on this blog. The blog and your book installments have been magical, especially during Covid.
I think it’s normal for parents to worry about their children no matter how old the children are.I worry about our adult children. It helps to have the two oldest live 3.5 hours away from us. My 86 year old father still worries about all of his children. Most of his worries center around our finances which by the way are just fine. We have to let him know when we get home after we go to visit him. We worry about his health and being scammed.
You always worry no matter what age your kids are. Then, there are the grandkids you have to worry about; are they on the right track,etc. Just face it, kids=worries. I wouldn’t trade it for anything!
Wait until they get married! My worries have multiplied. I now have a son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter to worry about. No, the worries never go away nor diminish.
More
I don’t think it ever stops…my daughter and grand-daughter are in Arkansas right now moving her in for her 2nd year of university. I hate that my daughter will have to drive back to TX from there alone…BUT just wait….down the road you will probably have grandkids like i do….then you have a whole ‘nother later of worry in store!!! BUT….a whole ‘nother level of joy as well.
LAYER…not layer…..my oops!!
Yes, I worry more about my son now that he is an adult. He hasn’t quite mastered adulting yet, and since his parents are old enough to be his grandparents, and he is an only child … Well. Plenty to keep us up at night.
Definitely I worry more. The stakes are higher as an adult (mine is in college so we are adulting lite) and as a parent you have limited/no control to in what happens. We stand by and watch it happen which is harder.
I have five grown daughters and I definitely worry more.
It is different. My sons are almost 35 and 42. When the older one was out of the country for a couple of weeks last month in Asia (Edit: Mod R), I worried. He knows that I will ask for an itinerary and he is fine with it. At least someone knows where he is and what his plans are. The younger one and his wife, the same, but they’re not as adventurous in their travel. I worry quietly until I know they are home safe. I completely stay out of their business unless they ask but they are both excellent adults. For that I don’t worry.
I’m now in my early 50’s and my parents are just turned 80.
I think parents never stop worrying about their kids no matter how old we get
The only difference is once parents get past a certain age or health then the kids start to worry about them too, instead of believing they are indestructible and here forever.
I don’t have any kids but have a niece and nephew that I helped raise that call me Auntie Mommy. I am concern about what is happening to them but I learned if I can’t change it don’t worry about it. I always tell them I love them and make sure they know they can call me if they need me. They have both done that. I feel concern or worry is something that comes with parenthood. It was one of the reason my husband and I decide not to have kids. I knew it was a job for the rest of your life that is 24/7. You never stop being a parent if you are a good one.
I don’t think you ever really stop worrying. It requires a conscious effort to step back and tell yourself that they are grownup, intelligent, good people who are capable of making good decisions, and that you have done your best to help them become just that. And then to tell yourself that you have no control over the universe, and that the odds are excellent that nothing will go wrong. Then take a deep breath, and have a cup of tea. I have five. The youngest is 36. I will always care about how their lives are going, and I try to let them live their own lives, even though it’s difficult. But I also realize that if they screw up, that’s on them at this point. Actions have consequences, and they know right from wrong, and they’re pretty smart about wise vs. stupid. And if they make a mess, I will always do what I can to help them make things right. It’s hard to be a care-taker, and let the baby birds launch. But that’s what they’re supposed to do.
More! When they were living at home, I knew where they were and (as much as possible) what they were doing. Neither drove until 18…when they could afford a car and insurance, likemy husband and I did, so I drove them everywhere. Yes…they LOVED it! ???? Now they are early 30s, and I have no control, and try not to ask TOO many nosy questions, so I worry a LOT. Plus, my son is diabetic, and trends towards lows at night…one episode ended him up in the hospital with short term memory loss that he has never completely recovered from. ME, EITHER! ????
I know my mother didn’t worry…I was pretty much a free range kid, but I couldn’t do that.
When my kids were in their 20’s, I worried a lot. One was in the Army and I worried either she would be killed, maimed or end up being unable to have “normal” kids because of all the shots that the Army was injecting in her and her new husband. She ended up in Kuwait for 18 months and her new husband was in 3rd ID. This was in 2003. I spent all non-working hours watching the news praying that they would be all right. I was a complete mess. Both of them, however, came out of their experiences with a great love of country and a great deal of maturity. They have two beautiful daughters and I get to enjoy this continuation and extension of our family. They have normal life struggles and I get to be a Nana – all the joys with 10% of the stress. I rarely worry about them now – I just enjoy them.
My second daughter took a different route. Briefly dabbled in recreational drugs and too much alcohol. I worried she would do something really dumb that would have life-changing consequences. She ended up an unmarried mom at 23 but stopped the chemical abuses. Her son graduated from high school this year and is going to college. She has been married now for 12 years and I have two step-grandsons and one granddaughter from their marriage. She just turned 9. Another continuation and extension of the family unit. They have normal life struggles, I get to be a Nana – all the joys with 10% of the stress. I rarely worry about them now – I just enjoy them all.
The 20’s are scary times. If you did it right (which is sounds like you did from all the posts I read), they’re independent and don’t do everything you wish they would and do things you wish they really wouldn’t. You’ve brought them up to be independent and now you have to live with what you’ve created. They’ll be fine because you love them and have taught them and given them the tools they need to be contributing adults. If all goes well in the universe, you’ll worry less and enjoy more and even be somewhat in awe when they are in their 30’s. Anyway, that’s my prayer for you and Gordon. And it’s true – grandkids are truly the reward.
The worst time for me was when the first born went to college. Sending the second off was a little easier because woo-hoo, home alone with hubby. Now that they’re married with kids of their own, it’s their turn to worry. He-he. They know I’m always there for them if they need me.
No kids myself unless you count the furry kind but I think my mom worried more about me as an adult. I worked in downtown Houston for years while living in Spring which is a thirty or so mile commute. For those of you not familiar with Houston traffic that could take anywhere from thirty minutes to two hours on any given day. I had to call my mom when I left the office and when I walked into the house every day so she knew I’d made it home. It didn’t matter that I was married and owned my own house. When I traveled for work she insisted on seeing me off for my flight every time, I had to call her when I got to my gate, when I arrived at my destination airport and when I checked into the hotel. I also had to call her each night when I got back to the hotel. She always insisted that I come for dinner at least once a week to make sure I had a decent meal. When she’d come over to my house she would always check the refrigerator and pantry to make sure I was stocked up on groceries. After I divorced and moved in with my parents to help them out it was still all the same except now if I went out she would wait up for me to get home. I was a 50 year old women and my mom would be watching out the front door to make sure I made it home. I think as an adult my world was so much wider with far more hazards and that scared her.
I haven’t stopped or reduced worrying about my 20 and 23-year-olds and they’ve grown into kind, wonderful, happy adults, but I have realized that increasingly both their problems and my concerns are bigger — there’s more at stake. I’ve also realized that there’s not a whole lot I can do about any of their problems anymore. I have to admit I’ve spent the past couple of years sitting with this new parenting role and trying to figure out what the heck I do now….
I don’t think I worry more than before. I think we have less control or influence over their decisions and we have to hold back and wait for them to ask for our advice. The worry is more about their adult life and wanting them to be happy and fulfilled and finding a partner that they can grow old with that supports them. because we know at some point we won’t be there anymore.
Ahh. These thoughts have been depressing. So we must live in the moment and make the best of each day we share with our adult children.
More, definitely more! My kids are 25 and 22, and it feels like I’m way more worried now than I was when they were teenagers! Life for young adults is so uncertain now — when they were teenagers, there was a least a recognizable path forward, but now, it’s all up to them. I have confidence that they will find their way, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about it in the meantime!
Yes! My 39 yr old kid needs me now more than ever. Phone calls and videos daily. Keep being there. You are thier rock. But dont stress and make yourself sick. Find peace between the action times. Sending love!
My kids (no, my adults) have me praying for them every morn and evening–the youngest with a second degree, so talented, and no real job yet, with a low paying “filler” job and a family. My middle “adult” with a restless spouse and working 90 hrs weekly, day job and moonlighting a new business, my oldest so smart, so dedicated (they are so lucky to have her), alone. We worry for they are wonderful humans and they strive. They strive so hard. And all three are gone, across the state and out.
Yours are younger than mine. There does come a time when you realize they have a newer wisdom than you do and just may do better than you did at their age!
I worry more about my adult kids. Health, safety and their marriages. Their futures. The world feels like a scarier place over the past few years. I was complacent with my life in general before Covid. The entire experience was surrealist to me for the longest time. In some ways I’m much more appreciative of what we’ve got but I definitely struggle more with generalized anxiety that comes and goes.
I have 1 child, and yes, I worry about her – though I don’t know if it’s more or less than I did when she was younger. She’s 34, and happily married. However, both she and her husband have had some serious health issues (both are fine now), plus they like rock climbing and backpacking in less common areas. Mind you, they do fine, they take precautions. I am very proud of both of them. But do I worry? Yes. Truthfully, I think it’s natural. You can’t easily turn that off just because they crossed a magic number and are now adults. If I’m still alive when my daughter is in her 60’s I will still worry about her. To be fair, she also worries about me. It’s a thing. I don’t expect it will ever change.
I’m with you, I worry more!!
My dad definitely worries more now than when I was a child or teen or even a YA.
Like at the start of COVID he decreed that I should call him every day. Nevermind that I lived alone, worked from home and had the social life of a cloistered nun. I was required to call him daily.
(Im not cutting him any slack because the first time I thought I had caught it, his immediate reaction was, “I wish you hadn’t told me that.” So it wasn’t about making sure I was safe; it was about making himself feel better.)
When I moved to another town he about lost his mind and if I was to go out of state he would probably hire someone to slash my tires. 🙁
So what you are feeling seems to be normal. What’s important is that you don’t require them to restructure their lives just to sooth you. There are pills for that.
(And oh dear God do I wish my dad would take them.)
You’re going to worry. You’re a good, normal mom. My kids are 54 and 58 and I worry as much about them now as I did when they were little ‘uns. The world was safer then. However , I do worry somewhat less than when they were teens and twenties. Now I worry about health, the difficulties of making their way in the world, and the real possibility of physical harm in what appears to be a darned dangerous world. Both kids are savvy, hard workers and basically sensible.
Apparently it is mutual. We live in widely separated parts of the country.From what I gather they call each other to find out how we are “because we always tell them we are fine.” The apple does not fall far from the tree.
My eminently capable daughter is 32, has two lovely daughters of her own, and a wonderful spouse. They are better with money than her dad and I ever were, communicate beautifully, and have a level of respect for one another that I admire. But the circumstances they live in are so much more…violent than the ones I did 26 years ago. I worry about all of them, about jobs and natural disasters, and school and workplace violence, and politics and religion, and good god, I think I might need a therapist.
I definitely worry more now that I have a 21-year-old rather than a 21-month-old.
I think part of the reason is that when our kids are little, we ‘know’ we can protect them. We know we will always be there to steer them away from trouble (sometimes with them kicking and screaming!)
When our kids become adults we know they will steer clear of trouble and can also rescue themselves….but the old parental instincts don’t go away. It’s very hard to just let go and trust that they will be fine.Only now it’s out of our control, and that’s hard to accept. The only thing we can do is worry.
The good news is that you have already done something: you’ve prepared your kids for this. You don’t have to trust the world, but you know you can trust your girls to do everything you would do to keep them safe if you were there. It’s hard to let your girls go off on their own, but believe me, you will be with them every minute even when you aren’t physically there.
Your girls will be fine, Ilona. I can tell you’re an awesome mom based on things you’ve posted. Everything you’ve taught them will keep them safe when you aren’t there.
Sending you virtual hugs and commiserating! And cut yourself a break for worrying: I always tell my ‘kid’ she will always be my baby no matter how old she is and I will therefore never stop worrying. It’s in the Parent Contract!????????????
I have 5 great kids, and I worry about them anyway. It’s part of the territory when you have children. Four of them live out of state, one lives at home, and this Christmas is probably the first time we’ll all be together in the same city at the same time in three or four years. Work demands, inlaws who want to see the child married to MY KID, Covid, all sorts of things get in the way. I lost my parents when I was in my twenties, so I don’t really have a road map for dealing with adult offspring. Trying to step back and not be a helicopter parent is difficult. I hope they know I love them and I wish I’d worked less and spent more time baking cookies. On the other hand, if I’d worked less we might not have had the house and the food on the table. You do your best and hope they understand.
More. And my youngest is 35. So much can happen now
There is this saying in Germany: “Kleine Kinder kleine Sorgen, große Kinder große Sorgen” which translates to small children small worries, big children big worries. Also, “parenting is not for cowards”. I’m seeing the effect already from birth to now (3 year old twins). We thought once they’ve reached their first birthday I might worry less (I was really scared of sudden infant death)…then they started walking…I expect the same holds true for the future.
I have two adulting sons, mid 20’s. I worry because decisions they make as adults can have HUGE impacts. I worry because I do not see their faces everyday (or for months at a time) so I do not have a read on their mental and physical health. But I am also pleasantly impressed by the what positive adulting they are doing and listen with an open mind to their adventures and challenges. Parenting adults is a whole different ballgame. My goal is that they know I am here for them without judgements and that I am proud of their accomplishments and mistakes, because that means they tried! I hear ya sister, prayers and positive energy coming at ya.
I worry more, but I worry about different kinds of things. My kids are on a long car trip? I do still worry that some idiot is drinking and crashes into them, or road rages at them.
But now I mostly worry that they’re not going to talk to their partner, that something is going to go wrong, and that they’ll be alone. Which, knowing how I brought up my kids is sort of ridiculous. Even if their marriages don’t work out, they’ll have found family with them.
I worry that their jobs will be made redundant, and they wont have money to survive, because heaven knows they won’t be inheriting anything from me. They wont get debts from us, but they won’t have inherited money. We’ll be gone, and there will be no one to support them.
I know that most of these are unfounded fears. I still worry that they’ll go through horrific bosses, and times of want, and all the things I’ve experienced that I never want them to have to deal with.
So, yes. I worry more about my kids now that they’re grown ups.
I do feel slightly more anxious about my adult children. Maybe just being paranoid because of the toxic atmosphere today, maybe because I know they will be reaping the results of mistakes made by my generation. Sometimes I feel like I’m being egotistical, and denying them their self-survival aptitude. But hey, your kids are ALWAYS going to be your kids. So a certain amount of care is always present.
Oh my, yes and for sure. Mine are 24 and 21 and it seems to me the world is a whole lot trickier than it was 30
odd years ago when I was that age. In order to keep my sanity I remember that we have trained them well, that stuff happens that you can do absolutely nothing about and I most definitely cannot predict the future so I just love them with everything I’ve got, tell them to stay safe and text me when they get there. The rest is up to them and knowing they’ve got what it takes means I don’t have worry (too much). (Meditation, chocolate and red wine – not necessarily in that order – helps hugely too) Rx
I do. I think it’s because we don’t know as much about their lives as we used too. I know they know how to handle themselves because we taught them too, but really, do they stop being those adorable little babies with the infectious giggle? I don’t think so. But it is super cute when they worry back lol.
I dunno about worry more. Worry about different things, certainly. And things I have no ability to control or mitigate. That sense of powerlessness is a great deal more than before. Less ‘If only I …’ and more ‘I can’t …’ A different sort of stress.
Per your adult children worries: I have one child, Diana, now 33, living in Minnesota with her boyfriend of since junior prom. I STILL worry about her, but less. Here is an example of why: She is very smart, and at 18 months old, when I was in the bathroom, she scaled the kitchen cabinets, took down my multivitamins, removed the childproof lid and was about to shovel them down her throat as I ran into the kitchen. Yup, bad things can still happen, but I no longer have my phone jimmied up with a mongo battery and a bank autodialer to provide primitive speed dial to the Poison Control Center.
I think we as parents worry more when our kids are adults because we no longer have any control of the choices they make. We are spectators, which can be worrisome.
I absolutely worry more the older they get. It seems the risks are greater and the hurts are deeper as they get older. My youngest is a senior in high school and her brothers are grown and a couple of states away. It is terrifying. I pray more than I ever have.
My 27 year-old daughter started a text to me yesterday with “Don’t panic! I passed out at the doctor’s office”. Oh really? Ok, no big deal as I frantically search Orbitz for flights to Florida (where she lives, 1,000 miles away from me)! She’s fine thankfully, tests are underway, but I think I worry less about her now that she’s been living with her fiancé, who will care for her as I would. She’s a good adult but as others have mentioned, there seem to be so much more “danger” in this world now that us olds don’t understand and can’t control for them.
So I guess the answer is yes, I worry more sometimes? It’s easier if they have created their own support system, such as a SO whom you love and trust.
I have two daughters – I worried the same right after they moved out. After a couple of years I worried less because I felt more confident because their lives were going well. Worried even less after they got married. Very grateful they live close by. Unsure how I would be if they were not. Now I just love more . . . .
Yes, as young adults I did worry about them more as the activities they pursued, such as jobs and partners)would have greater consequences than when they were younger. One of my children was especially worrisome and I thought I might lose him to nefarious (not horrible) activities. Their father was gone but I kept up the moral and some monetary support plus kept being a steady influence on their lives. I am so very pleased to say that now they are all (I have 3) married and have children of their own. They have become (dare I say this?) upstanding adults who are kind, bright and considerate plus they are very good and attentive parents. Needless to say I am, at the moment, thrilled. Hang in there and just keep up the steady support – they will make you proud.
I feel that worry never ends, it just changes.
My daughter is almost 20, starting university and I worry more about the rest of the world and how it will or could affect her than I worry about her. We’ve tried to teach our daughter to think/evaluate before doing things, make sure it is the right thing to do. She tries hard to make good choices, and is always planning and strategizing. She knows that we try not to judge and instead want to support her. She knows she can talk with us about anything and she does, so hopefully we did something right.
It’s just … watching the news, seeing the insane things happening, watching real crime shows. What about the couple (F20/M22) who was hiking in Alabama this week and he was killed because of someone trying to rob them. My heart hurts for them. Maybe I need to stop looking at the news and stay away from those real crime shows. At least that is what my daughter tells me.
It’s not my daughter that worries me so much, it’s the rest of the world and the craziness out there and how it could affect her. So, yeah, I am worrying about her. Nowadays we see so much of what is going on everywhere, it is so hard to escape it, and so we go look because we can’t help ourselves .. and then the cycle continues.
I worry less since I see less of them, but I worry when they travel. I worry about their relationships. Maybe I voice my worries less. I still worry.
I find the things I worry about are way more out of my control. Daughter flew last week and I was wondering where she was, how her connections were going, if her bags arrived. She’s done this before, but I’ve been the one to drop her off etc so I felt more in control. Luckily she just laughed at my checking.
Part is post pandemic, part is far less illusion of control
I don’t have children, but my Mom says you never stop worrying. Readers, I am 60!!! I am about done with a great career, have been married 26 years, and she still worries! I make sure to tell her I am happy and well at every opportunity so that her worries may be less.
I worry twice as much now. I know it does no good, but darned if I don’t get a migraine.
My adult daughter is leaving for a semester in Rome in less than two weeks. She’s 22. I am scared to death. My anxiety is almost unbearable. She is very smart and independent and capable and always has been…but that doesn’t matter to my anxiety. My sons are 18 and 23, and I am constantly worried about them too, especially the 18 year old, as he’s just starting out on his adulting trip. Is he ready?!?
My 23 yo son told me he is going to be proposing to his gf very soon. He already has the ring. I LOVE her. She is amazing, and he is a better man since being with her. Her family is GREAT. It’s really every mother’s dream. But I’m still anxious about it! I’m not sure why. Just all the “what ifs,” I guess, and knowing that even the best marriages take work and grace and compromise. Will they be good at all that? I hope so. I think so! But I still worry about it…about them…all the time.
*sigh*
I assume I’ll be worrying forever. That’s just how motherhood works.
Darn it! You’ve all burst my bubble. I’m still in the heart of the teenage years and was looking forward to that time when they were off to college as less worry. Now I see that the worry just takes on a different form, but doesn’t end. Hopefully the transition to adulthood includes an eventual understanding of all of the lessons we’ve tried to teach them…
I think the pandemic has contributed to putting us *all* in a state of heightened anxiety/revved up our nervous systems. I also have adult children. One of them allows me to use the “find my” app on my phone to just see where she is, from time to time. I find it comforting. The other things that are helpful relate to calming my hyped-up system – some meditation, some exercise, cooking, looking at beautiful photos. Maybe take a break from crime and violence anything. : ). All the best to you, and thank you for all the good reads, which def help me calm down!
Trust in your grown children
You provide them with good foundation & they will make you proud.
& STOP watching true crime it’s not good for you before bed time.
Love your books.
I don’t have adult children yet, but I imagine that the worry changes in its experience of it. With your adult children you have even less control and influence to alter “the threat.” When they are children, when you worry, it motivates you to research, find resources, prepare, plan, work at something (a more active role to deal with the problem at hand). This active role helps one cope with the feelings of worry- at least one is doing something…etc. With adult children, the parent has to sit back, let their child deal with the problems they face, while the parent observes. It’s a hard place to be in, to be a witness not only to the joys in life but possibly, suffering. Just my thoughts on what my anxiety might come from when my kids grow up. My eldest is 9, and it’s painful to witness sometimes her anxiety or sadness when she has a problem with a classmate who is mean to her at school.
I worry much less. I have no control and only influence in very limited amounts. They turned out great and for the most part make good decisions. So I trust it will go well.
Yes I do worry more. I think it is because I can’t rescue them anymore or make it better for them. As adults they are just like us now only younger. Whatever life throws at our adult children it is up to them to deal with it. Just like we taught them.
As my mother (born 1920) said, when they are small it’s small trouble, when they are big it’s big trouble. So yes, I worry more now, as they make more serious choices now. And can’t write it off as being a stupid kid ????
In some ways the worries are worse- my sons are late twenties, early thirties now- and I don’t necessarily know where they are and details about what’s happening with them like I used to. Their well-being is totally up to them, even though I get those, “Hey, Mom” talks when they’d like advice.
One’s wife and the other’s fiancee are the number ones in their lives now. One son’s divorce with a custody battle stressed me like nothing else ever has.
My youngest is 27. You raise them to be independent. You raise them to be good people; part of the solution not part of the problem.
However, for the most part, the young haven’t experienced the dark side of life. They still feel somewhat invincible and are usually optimistically approaching life, new challenges and adventures. And that is how it should be.
But we who have lived through or shared unforseen heartaches or had to experience a brush with the evil that exists would do anything to keep those events from being part of the lives of those we love.
But life happens. We want our children to experience different things, to continue to learn, grow and find happiness. We don’t want them home and afraid. So we hope we taught them to be aware of the bad and be careful and alert out there.
And we try to keep our intermittent first day of school anxieties under control and remember that the odds of ugly things happening are small, especially if our kids are with another level headed person or two.
I tell myself that worry is non productive and think instead about am I prepared in all ways to be there for my child if the ugly happens.
I have also found that when they finally get into a committed relationship that with someone else on the spot to share my worry that it isn’t as consuming. Eh, maybe.
But I totally get where you are coming from.
It would help if I didn’t remember all the stupid things I did when that young!
We are our own worst enemy sometimes
My daughter is older than your kids, I think, but I’ve never really worried about her too much. When she was in college, she spent two different semesters abroad, and I loved hearing her stories about her travels. If there was anything harrowing, she didn’t tell me. 🙂 Later, she spent a year in Spain teaching English as a second language. Sure, I worried a bit, but she is very sensible and does not take chances.
Now she’s married with 4 kids and I worry less (although now I have the grandkids to worry about). But I figure I should give weight to her good judgment like she does to mine – and I don’t want her to worry about me when I go off on my solo trips to Europe and Asia. 🙂
This is NOT a “my crap’s worse than your crap” comment. It’s a “yes, I do” and “I thought it would be much easier by now” comment.
My nearly 23 year old has always “passed for normal” and had “issues”. Puberty ended, issues calmed to “I can handle this”, getting good marks at Uni, to COVID reverted it all. She is currently in a 12 mth, not locked in (they can come and go as they please, attend work and Uni), mental health group home.
My nearly 21 year old is a smarter than the rest of us, significantly delayed, the most happy laid back awesome, severe ASD kid who just finished high school. He attends a day program once a week. Could go more but did I mention the “awesome” and insufficient funding part…..
Yes, I am more worried than ever. I have the youngest mostly sorted but the elder… if it wasn’t that the white hair started at 14, I’d blame her for it all. Fingers crossed there’s room in the next stage housing (own apartment, with supervision) when this program’s done.
I don’t think the worry ever ends. Problem is we get complacent thinking it’s going along nicely and….. life happens. Good, bad and sometimes ugly. Which is why long ago I stopped living for autism-land and started living with it. We get up in the morning, live our life and go to bed at night. I don’t lose near as much sleep anymore. I didn’t cause it, can’t fix it, it is, what it is.
I think this is normal and yes, I’ve been afflicted. I have decided to let it go, because all my worrying won’t make a whit of difference. It’s just a superstitious belief that somehow if we are worrying about it- that will keep it from happening. Like all superstitions, it is unprovable. Or else it’s the false thought that if you don’t fret about them you don’t love them.
Instead, I usually send up a pray for them each time a worry pops up, and entrust them to God, reminding myself that I am NOT God, but He is good.
I say “usually” because sometimes I still do call them and say something about what I’m worried about. But overall, I think I am doing well.
Also, I try to be sparing on the true crime and news stuff- that’s nightmare material, and once again there’s very little I can do about it except pray.
I have 3 adult children and I worry about them all the time. The oldest still lives with us, so I stress less about her because I know she in a bed down the hall from me, safe and sound. My middle daughter is living with a friend, but drives to work on the other side of the river on a highway that is notorious for accident’s so I worry about her and her long hours at work. My youngest, my son, lives 4 hours away and is getting married on Saturday. I worry about him less since is is now accountable to someone else and she keeps an eye on him.
I definitely worry more. I’m at the tail end of 40 and I have 20 something boys. You know what they say about 20 something’s “young dumb and full of bad ideas.” I worry if they’re washing enough. If they’re eating the right foods (because hypertension and diabetes runs in my family). I only have boys and the testosterone in their veins allows them to wander through life without the fear of eminent bodily harm. In other words where I see danger they see fun.
My sons are 47, 46, and 42, all married. My heart still wants to help them through their difficulties.
My respect for the men they have become allows me to step back and trust their choices.
I get lonely sometimes without any rescues needing to be made.
Thankfully, I am still needed as a Granny to watch the kiddies.
Let’s see… in the last 2 years my husband and I have lost both of our mothers, the remaining living father, and our youngest son attempted suicide 4 times. Within the last 3 months, my only 2 brothers were diagnosed with lymphoma within 2 weeks of one another and they both passed away last Saturday within minutes of one another and on Tuesday of this week I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. I think I need something stronger than the typical worrying I have been doing over all the adults in my family, including the children. Maybe daily panic attacks would be appropriate.
I’m so sorry Michelle! I hope you have worry free days ahead.
My heart goes out to you.
I’m with you on that! Mine are 18 and 15 so really are still kids, but I’m constantly stressing about them. They say I nag a lot about being careful with this or that.
Parenting 18-25 year olds is interesting. They appear to “adult” well and then something comes out of their mouths that causes 14 year old flashbacks. The mantra is “happy, healthy and out of my house”. You have raised them well, they have a good foundation and the rest is a crap shoot. Hang in there and enjoy the naps!
Bee
My mother spent her last 30 years worrying and regretting, and criticizing herself for practically every choice of her adult life. She made me so angry and so sad. Worry is a choice. An unproductive choice that saps your energy and drags you down and wastes your time. Unless there is some positive action you can take to fix what worries you, just don’t let yourself go there. (Repeat 1000 times until you learn to disconnect that train of thought ‘-)
Omg , are you telling me that there is more worry to come ?
I can’t stand it. My eldest just turned 18 and the youngest is 11 and the rollercoaster of emotions is some days to heavy to carry.
I was thinking that maybe after they are done with uni we can breathe out and just be. But my oh my oh my ….
My daughters are 18 and 20 and I live in a constant state of worry. I asked my daughters to carry plastic wrap for their drinks when they go to parties; to carry pepper spray; to make sure never to drive next to, behind, or in front of a big rig, to never get gas at night; etc. I am a full-time bundle of nerves now that they’re out of my sight.
More. I worry more because I’m not there to control the chaos.
Mine is 28 this month. She has been independent for years and is part of a few friends buying a house. Not sure all the details but they can afford it. We text maybe once a week. I feel that I have successfully raised and released an independent adult. She can make here own decisions.
Her not here. Darn autocorrupt.
My firstborn was a beautiful, brilliant child. She died at age 36 with a beautiful, brilliant daughter, then 13, and an autistic son, just 2 1/2. Her life was a constant struggle for so many reasons. So yes, I worried then, and now, for all things.
Yes, even though my kids have kids of their own I still worry about them. I think we always will!
This dates me but I remember Erma Bombeck and this story from the comic writer in one of her books. After an exasperating scene with her grown children Erma turned to her mother beside her and asked, Mom, When do you stop worrying? Her mom looked her straight in the eye and answered, When you’re dead.
Older children! Yes, watching them make mistakes hurt. They were determined to live their own lives though and I am pleased with their independence. Looking back I wish I had accepted their decisions more gracefully. They had to learn by taking consequences and assessing them. Now both are married and have teenagers. Watching how they handle their children’s problems is enlightening. They don’t agonize and worry like I did. They seem to have more faith in my grandkid’s ability to face their problems and survive! I love them all terribly and must remind myself to be happy for all the life we can share. My childless friends may have smoother, stress free lives, but would you trade lives? Love is always worth it!
At one family gathering, my then 66 year old father asked his then 89 year old father, “ Dad, when are you going to stop worrying about me?” Papaw replied, “Son, I will *NEVER* stop worrying about you.” My Papaw lived to be 97 and worried about all of us until the day he died. And while it sometimes irritates me, I’m glad my parents worry about my 65 year old self now. It’s just the way we are.
Same boat as you, my friend. Perhaps it’s because our kids became such lovely humans, that our care and concern is magnified. Maybe it’s because the decisions they face are so much bigger now. I don’t know. We discover memories that were once“Mom worries” tucked in pockets like old ticket stubs reminding us why our influence matters.
Overall, hope and gratitude overshadow anxiety. We encourage their adventures but the candle in the window is lit for them—always for them.
Both of my kids went oversees for school. One in Hong Kong and the other in Sweden. There are times when I check WhatsApp just to check the “last seen at …” message so I know they are ok 🙂 It’s been really hard not to be stressed about the Hong Kong kid – he arrived just in time for protest in Aug 2019 and hasn’t been able to visit (or me visit him) because of covid. Way to long without seeing him in person. My Sweden kid I can see more often but then she decided to go on a solo backpacking trip and 108 miles later I know she is still alive. All this to say I have gotten to the point were I just have to trust I gave them the skills to build on as they go on their adult journeys and I try very hard not to stress about them. You’ll get there 🙂
I have three adult children- 25, 29, and 33. Two live on their own, with the youngest living with my husband and I because housing prices in Austin! I would not say I worry more or less now than I did when they were young, I would say I worry differently. When they were little I worried about what they were doing and all the things I needed to do for or with them, and I had to keep track of where they were all of the time. Now, that is out of my control, and instead I worry about where they choose to be and with whom- did I give them the foundation to make the right choices? Will the one who is eccentric be accepted in the world or will the world chew him up for being different? Will my kindhearted child be taken advantage of, and will my perfectionist make life harder than it has to be? Did I parent badly and will they suffer for it? Those are the ones that keep me up at night, and sometimes wake me up with the thought I want to call them just to hear their voices, in the same way I used to slip into their rooms in the middle of the night to make sure I heard them breathing.
Parenting, in the end, doesn’t come with a rule book. We make mistakes and we don’t, and we work it out because we love them more than we ever thought possible before we had them. I think the fact that we worry for them means we care and we are there for them, and so maybe that means we are doing something right. I hope so, anyway, because I am a champion worrier…
Yes. The worries are bigger because the stakes are higher, and maybe also because we don’t even have the illusion of having any control or say over how their lives go. But the joys are big too.
I went through this with all of my children, the youngest is 50 now, and all of the grandchildren. I finally realized it was a part of empty nest syndrome. Trying to control the uncontrollable and a little bit needing to still be needed. The multiple crisis in the world just make it all seem worse. Courage. We all get through it
Parenting equals worry…..I worried about them as babies, toddlers, young children, pre-teens, teenagers, college students, etc. They are 39 & 40, and I still worry….the worries just change. We go from”is that bike ride safe, can they walk down the road to their friends house, should I let them drive the car to school” to “is this boyfriend/girlfriend the right one, will they find a job that makes them happy, is that car a good bargain or a lemon, are they healthy”…. loving someone means caring enough to worry, but letting them take the steps to either fly or fall. If the soar, we can enjoy the sight, and if they stumble, we can soften the fall and help them stand back up.
My two adult children are in their late-30s. When they moved out, I worried. When they got married, I worried. When they had babies, I worried. Now I worry about the grandchildren they created.
To lessen my worry enough to sleep at night, I remind myself that they are on their own journey, of which I am only one person they interact with now. I’ve come to believe that they need to struggle in bad times, make mistakes, and feel a bit of life’s pain to appreciate the good times like I hope they will.
Remember how you couldn’t stop them from knocking out front teeth no matter how many pool noddles you used on the furniture? It’s just like that. Eventually, you figure out that you can’t stop all the bad. All you can do is be there when it gets tough enough for them to need you.
Teaching yourself to deal is the real challenge here. The worry never goes away, but it eases a bit more each time you discover they survived without you… LOL
My son is now 47 and lives about 3 hours south of me. Every time there is a traffic accident, road rage incident, school shooting (his kids are youngish), etc I freak. I don’t call him cuz that would smother him, but I do watch for identities and/or descriptions on the news. I think it’s me that changed. Never was so panic stricken when he was younger. It may be too much “idiots in cars” and I hardly go out anymore. Doctor offices, pharmacy and grocery store. Yuck!
I felt the same as my two were growing up. As adults, it’s been terrifically hard as they struggle with adulthood both on professional and emotional/personal levels. We can’t intervene as we could when they were children. Sometimes we watch helplessly, offering what moral support and encouragement we can. If you feel your two are managing well in their adulthood, then try not to worry too much.
We ‘let’ our 19 year old junior in college study abroad in Germany for a year. He got home yesterday just in time for his senior year state side. I was scared to death while he was away. He’s fluent in German and we knew he could easily handle most situations but still it was the other side of the globe. I was so happy and thankful to have him home. When he got in yesterday, my (not so)little boy hugged me and easily picked me up. Like it was nothing. He’d grown several inches and filled out. Well over 6ft tall. He plans to go to Edinburgh next year for grad school. I know he’ll be fine but even so we’ll be worried until he’s back home again. He was 10 in this picture.
My children are grown, I even have a grown grandaughter. I think I worry more now. Now the world is shifting and changing so quickly. They are facing so many pressures and there is only so much I can do but be there when they ask for help.
It doesn’t get easier as your children grow to be adults. My mother lost 2 of her daughters to illness before she left us. She was very worried about me as her last surviving child even though I was in my 70s when she died at 99. Same as I worry about my children and grandchildren.
I live in Hawaii and I have two grown children. One lives in the mainland with her husband and my first grandchild. One lives here under my roof. I worry about them more now than I did when they were teens. I think its because the problems they have to deal with can have longer ripper cushions than stupid teen angsty problems. I am getting older and worry they will not have all their ducks in a row before I depart for the great unknown, as well as the fact that the world keeps getting weirder. And for the child in the mainland i cant just hop in a car and rescue her or her husband or my grandchild if there arises such a need. It causes me to worry more yes but it also puts a dent in my super-mom pride.
Oh my goodness, Yes. Since my children have been adults I believe the worry is worse than it was when they were little. They are both very responsible but I worry regardless due to (unfortunately other people) others who are less responsible.
I have an adult daughter (24) and she is married (so a son-in-law to worry about as well). I totally worry about them both way more than when my kiddo was a teen.
You are not alone! I’m a mental health therapist; honestly we all know that bad things happen to people that is outside of our control and it sucks! Worry seems logical- therapist thought- as long as it doesn’t impact our day to day functioning.
More, definitely more. And they’re apparently doing fine.
I worry about different things. Mine has a fairly traumatic time school years due to bullying. It didn’t change a whole lot in college, unfortunately. She’s doing better now. There was a time when suicide reared it’s ugly head, so that was something to stress about. She’s gainfully employed at a job she loves, lives on her own. I wish she had more friends, but I can’t help her with that.
Yes, my kids are all in their 30s and I worry more. Their problems are more complex and I am reduced to just support. I used to be able to “fix”. I find that it is a delicate balancing act to respect their autonomy and choices without judgement. I am the queen of defining the pros and cons then stepping back when they choose,
All my children, four, have been adults for 20 or more years. They are, 55, 52, 50 and 44. Some have adult children of their own, so the times of worrying about decisions and choices in their lives are past. However, as I recall, there were serious concerns occasionally, but I knew after a point, say about 23 years old or so, there was nothing I could say or do that would really influence the outcome and they would have to live and deal with the consequences. It wasn’t easy but as they say, that’s life. Best wishes to you and try to remember what you were like at their age.
I never had children, but what I observed with my mother was that she worried about us just as much and in some ways more when we (my 3 sisters and I) were adults, and this continued throughout her life. I’m in my sixties, and I see see this with some friends, though not all of them. That said, I think there’s so much more to worry about these days…there’s just a general unease, and many things we used to feel secure about, or at least the way we used to suss out risk factors, just aren’t to be trusted now.
I worry in a different way. My kid has a good job, lives in a pretty safe community, and the boyfriend is a caring person. You worry about crime…about car wrecks…about safety when traveling to different locations…about infectious disease (work is in a medical setting). The worries are different and there are miles between us. I worry about the future and how hard life can be in a poor economy, the loss of certain freedoms, the level of sheer unadulterated hate that seems to be flourishing for no good reason. Will my kid’s future have the same or better opportunities than mine had? At the end of it all I have hope and I have faith and confidence in my kid’s ability to wring the best out of life and to avoid or kick the butts of those that stand in the way of good things. Isn’t hope what it is all about anyway?
More. With a 26 year old daughter, I worry about how she could become hurt. I worry about who could hurt her. I worry about her having an unlucky day. I worry and worry and worry. Thank god for phones and texting and her dog that I hope scares the bejesus out of anybody considering harming her. I worry about laws that could restrict her healthcare options. I worry about politicians that seem to place no value on her life. And I worry about irrational political cults that seem prone to violence.
HA – I asked my Mother about this. She said when the kids where away for an extended time she didn’t worry, but for those of us who came back she worries about odd things every now and then.
My mother said much the same thing.
Now that my kids are adults, I find that my worries are similar in abundance but less tangible than when they were teens. I still worry when the weather is terrible and they have to commute to work or school, but now I also worry that I haven’t taught them some vital thing that they need to know in order to go about adulting. I don’t worry that some creep will try to abduct them but I wonder if they remembered to pay their car payment. And there’s always that worry that I won’t hear from them for a couple of days or weeks and that will mean they don’t need me anymore. Alas, anxiety.
I suspect the worry is inversely proportional to the amount of control you have over the situation. The older they get, the less your control, the higher the anxiety.
More. You don’t have the same control/supervision over the children once they fly the coop. Their decisions can lead to parental anxiety especially since you know how hard adulting can get.
My sons are 31 and 29. The older one just got married and the younger one is engaged. They are both doing fine and living near each other, but not near us.
I worry much less, but my husband worries just as much (only about different things than when they were small). I think personality has a lot to do with it. I also agree that television makes things worse. I will not watch TV news.I stay informed from print media (online newspapers). This allows me to take things at my own speed and to save the most upsetting news for when I am best able to handle it.
If all else fails, I reread something by Terry Pratchett.
Our kids are in their 50s and we still worry. Wise saying: “don’t borrow trouble; there is plenty to be had for free”. We do it anyway, alas.
I worry less. But my son is now married.
My Daughter just turned 40, my Son is 38 They have lives and loves of their own, Both are successful in their careers. Healthy , happy and well adjusted. And I worry about them constantly, I know they are alright I really do, but I looked out for them for so long I would give my life for them or my grand baby. It just is what it is , my daughter never understood till she became a mother, now she cuts me some slack…lol
I think we have to choose to avoid worrying. There is a temptation to indulge in some magical thinking that the worrying somehow protects them. Bad things can happen but worrying just makes us miserable and doesn’t help them. There is also an element of respect for their ability to make reasonable choices and deal with the consequences. This gets easier with time. My kids are 35 and 37.
I definitely agree with you. Our daughter developed more food allergies once she entered her 20’s than before!
I watch too many true crime stories too. 🙁
Definitely worry more. My daughter is grown and married with her own child and now I have the whole bunch to worry about. Easier when I could actively protect her (at least in my head). I know she’s a tough and smart young lady and my son in law is a great guy but it’s different now.
My mom said she worried more when I went off to college, just because she couldn’t immediately be there if something went wrong. Now she worries a little more because I have a baby, and all the crazy things that go on in early childhood. But I live a lot closer now, so I think that eased her mind a bit. She sees us both every day. If the weather is bad, or I pass an accident on the highway, I text her when I get to work to let her know I made it safely. I’d like to think it helps.
I’m a mom of a 30 and a 28 year old. Generally, I don’t worry as much. Like your’s, mine are adulting well. But the 30 year old is going on her first real road trip with friends, ACROSS TWO STATES, in October and I’m a bit worried. Have already told her I’ll need her to text me regularly please! She sighed, grinned and said she expected it. I’m over 50 and the last time I visited my mother I asked if she wanted a text when we arrived home safe, in the next state. She said no. Less than an hour later I received a text asking to be notified of the family’s safe arrival home…. and she was embarrassed! I laughed and told her it was fine. I think it just is part of being a parent and caring.
Yup-I think I do the same. Part of it is they can go anywhere and you know you may not know if anything is wrong for a day or two…and by then you may not even be able to get law enforcement to do anything because they are adults. It also doesn’t help that we all watch the crime stuff on tv ????????♀️
Being a Mom is a life sentence. No expiration date on love or worry. Cuddle up with your pets and pet the stress down a notch when needed. ????
Yup! The BabyBoy has gone on the road for work…..and has lost his ability to appropriately appreciate that his mother is getting mighty tired of him not calling home enough ????.
They’re our babies. That’s not something they (or we) age
out of.
We worry.
❤️
More? Not sure. As much? Yes but about different things. They’re eating OK and completed studies but Covid lockdowns and loss of work have taken a toll. I worry about their future and feel unable to help much. I feel helpless to find them work that suits and worry about the bigger challenges facing the world. Maybe first world problems as we’re not in a war zone or starving but I still worry.
Oh yes I have 6 adult children in their 30’s and 40’s. And it tough not to. Then there are the Grandkids. About all you can do is pray and hope for the best without driving yourself crazy.
To loosely translate an Yiddish saying:’small children- small worries, big children- big worries ‘. You never stop worrying because you love and care , they are your kids no matter the age. Only nature of worries change, becoming adult- type with them.
I worry more because it’s an unsafe place now more than before.
Not a parent. But there is an idiom in German: “Kleine Kinder, kleine Sorgen. Große Kinder, große Sorgen.”
It means: Small children, Small worries. Big children, big worries.
So, I think it is safe to say you are not alone in this feeling!
Same in Polish 🙂
Not a mom but there is a saying in Germany : small children equals small worries, big children (as in grown up not size) equals big worries. My Mom in her 70s needs still needs me at age 50 to message her that I arrived fine wheneever I am drivimg my car. She is a big worrier… but I love her for that. ❤️
Small children – small problems. Big children – bigger problems ????
I worry more now that my daughter is an adult and doing her own tho. She has COVID right now and I want nothing more than to be with her comforting her, taking care of her and just being with her. I miss being able to see her face every day and to just talk about nothing. She has her own life and we don’t talk every day so the moments we do talk are precious to me.♥️
I don’t have adult kids myself, but my mum has two and she has recently taken to saying that she didn’t use to worry about us at all when we were younger, whereas nowadays she goes by the saying: “Small kids = small problems, big kids = BIG problems.” =D
Raised three kids by myself. The elementary years were chaotic, middle and high school a blur of sports and concerts and assemblies, but when they graduated, the fun began. You don’t know what they’re doing most of the time. Periodically get a message that says, “Call me asap.” Big problems. Broken hearts. Downsized jobs. Apartments raising the rent. Car trouble. Having to try to help (not interfere) from a distance. It’s tough. When my first one was born, I was hovering over his Moses basket and a visitor said, “This is the easy time. You know where he is. Most problems are solved by a feed or a change or a shiny toy. Just wait.” So true.
Thank you for putting this out there, Ilona! Thank you BDH for your comments. I don’t feel so alone.
I have a 19 yr old and we have been struggling with her wanting to test her wings and me wanting to keep her safe. She is a smart young woman and did well one her own last year at college (out of state). She is street and people smart. I know she needs to make her own choices and live her best life. I’m so excited for the adventures she is going on, but I still worry that something will happen to her.
Absolutely! I think it’s because when they live with you, you see them and know they are okay, while once they start adulting full time, we don’t have that any longer. Even if we didn’t “see” them every day, groceries aren’t disappearing, so we don’t know that they are eating. Dirty clothes aren’t appearing in the hamper, or floor, so we aren’t sure they are dressed like they should be. Or that’s what always went through my mind.
Hi. Ann again.
I my 19 yr old daughter is going to a concert in LA in Novenber. She’s flying down to San Diego and driving up with some girl friends. The girls are staying within walking distance of the venue.
I am super excited for this adventure, but if I think too much, I start worrying and freaking out.
I taled with my counselor about it. Her suggestions were to name my fears – the girls getting separated and my daughter (and/or the other girls) being kidnapped. Then going over the likelyhood of these things happening. The girls are all pretty street smart and not likely to separate. My daughter is also a little worried about the walk, but they will be around other concert goers and if anybof the girls don’t feel comfortable, they will spend the $$ for an Uber. We also have family near LA. If they need help for any reason, they have people to call who will be there much more quickly than my husband or I can be.
At the end of the exercise, I still had worry. (I will probably always worry to some degree.) But it was/is manageable and not consuming.
I hope this helps!
More. My 2 oldest are adulting now & drove to another state. My anxiety is of the wall.
It is a scarier world in America. Especially in Texas. Loss of women’s rights, climate change with its drought and wildfires, the drift towards extremism and authoritarianism. All very scary, and our children have to navigate this and try to thrive in a country of increasing distance between the rich who have power, and the the poor who have less and less. The middle class is poor compared to the ultra rich these days.it’s just not sustainable ecologically or politically, and our children have to try to stay whole and not fall into the cracks.
YES! My biggest issue is not fixing it for my kids before they fail. I try to give advice, but not say “I told you so” when they do not follow it. I have a nasty habit of trying to fix the problem before they fall. My husband calls me an enabler. It probably doesn’t help that I am a project manager by career and spend my days looking for risks, obstacles, and pitfalls so that I can develop a mitigation before they happen. I’m trying to mitigate my kids’ lives as well – LOL
You worry more about adult children. Until you have to say enough is enough. There comes a point where you cannot fix their issues. You have done all you can, and still things happen.
Ilona, Gordon, your kids are good to go. You have done an excellent job raising them.
Things will happen and you can jump over that bridge when they happen. Like Kate, imagine the worst, plan for it, and put it out of your mind. There is a 95% chance nothing bad will happen on the trip.
Good grief! Things to worry about. I just viewed the BBC video on the Lisbon earthquake of 1755 and their article on the North Dakota fossil beds yielding fossils from The Day the DInosaurs Died. I resisted the impulse to grab the cat and hide under he bed. Instead I texted jokes to the kids and I’m making fudge. If the world ends I’d rather be eating fudge than hiding under the bed.
More, always more. I tell one of my co-workers who has small children, that she has it easy. Once they become teenagers and young adults its a whole new ball game.
My children are 25 and 28 and moved far away last year. I worry more about them, though they appear to be doing adulting just fine. Maybe my subconscious realizes that I have less influence.
I have 2 daughters 46 and 45. I’ve never stopped worrying. As a mother It’s hard not to want to control their surroundings to keep them safe. I use to have terrible fights with my dad because he wouldn’t allow me to do what other kids did. After having my own I loved him more because I understood it was his need to protect me. However, after my youngest daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia at 14 and later lost twins as a result of the side effects related to the long term effects of chemo, I realized I would go insane if I didn’t give my need to protect them to a higher power. I still worry, but when I get obsessive I read a good book to escape; I don’t think I’m alone in that. I thank God for the Bible and to all the good authors out there. ♥️
My kids are 28 and 23. My son, who’s the older of the two lives in NYC with his soon to be wife and my daughter lives about two hours away in the Catskills Mountains. When my son first moved to NYC I totally stressed at every horrific news story, but over time It has gotten a little easier. It helps that his fiancé is a fantastic girl with family near by. I worry more about my daughter because she hasn’t really settled into her life yet. She is a very smart and capable young woman but also very pretty. I worry about the crazies out there and about her driving everywhere by herself.
I worry just as much. We aren’t involved in all the everyday things anymore just the things they choose to share and the big things like trips. My youngest son just came back from a trip and didn’t call to let me know he was on his way. I knew he would be fine but still I would like to know . So explaining that desire to participate in his life is ongoing. All my kids humor me . I will take it.We worry the same just different. Happy Mothering!!
Yes I do worry more. She is out there running amok and I can no longer tell her what to do. ????????????????
Oh my gosh, I was just thinking this the other day! My daughter moved out 2 years ago with her boyfriend, (and she decided to take a gap year aka “Who knows when I’m going to college!” And now is proud mom of a beautiful 5 month old baby! Lol I’m absolutely thrilled and a very happy (gulp) Grandma but Lordy, the stress and worry has quadrupled! It just seems to be constant and I find myself having to stop and just take deep breaths, and no longer watch the nightly news! lol
I think my mom worries about me way more as an adult than she did when I was a kid, teenager, or college student. That’s even with me being two hours away from my home town.
My father used to say that the first forty years of parenthood were the hardest. Now that we’re all over forty I should ask if he’s stopped worrying. Somehow I doubt it. But there are grandkids and even a great grandkid to worry about now too I guess.
I think it depends on the child. Bottom line: adults are legally permitted to get themselves into trouble from which you may not be able to extract them. But I think you know whether to worry (to the extent you’re not just prone to it). When I finished high school, I joined the navy & within 6 months was sending money back to my mom because she needed it. On the other hand, my nephew, who has a learning disability & has suffered seizures from infancy, recently turned 24 & insisted on moving out of my sister’s home. She got him into a group placement & discreetly checks up on him while constantly worrying. Somewhere between, you have Kid2, who hires lawn orphans & expands her menagerie despite sound advice to the contrary. I believe you’ve raised intelligent, whimsical, daughters. They’re going to give you reasons to worry, but probably nothing for which you should lose sleep. Good luck!
Mine is 35 now, married with a baby daughter. For a long time I worried more, I think it was a product of both his young adult assholiness and my lack of power over his decisions at that point. After college, it gradually eased, mostly thanks to a great choice he made when he married his wife. She is responsible and grounded and brings out his best traits. They have a solid, strong partnership, and a really nice, stable, happy life. It’s not that I never worry, I still do, but nothing like I did when he first hit adulthood. I think your level of stress will level out as your girls get older and find their path in life. It won’t disappear though.
I think there is a lot of post pandemic reaction going on for parents and young people. I teach 11-18 – parents have been very jittery this year & we’ve had so many older students with anxiety issues. I have 3 kids 19, 22, 25: 2 girls: 19 and 25 each doing a summer tour of US and Australia respectively. Not worried at all- excited for them both to be finally out and about post COVID. Boy 22 – yr 4 at uni with post pandemic stress adjustment issues- so worry. Speaking to 4 other parents of 20 yr old at uni – all on anti-depressants and struggling to ‘fly’. Interestingly all friends parents are reserved till you admit a problem with yours, then it all comes out ! I do think the pandemic has made lots of people young and old – hyper aware of problems/dangers/death which is triggering a higher level of ‘worries’.
I have no children…so perhaps my POV is not as…helpful as one might hope. But, here goes…
Worry is a bandsaw blade, improperly installed, just waiting for an opportunity to break loose.
If you let it, the whine of that sawblade will take over your entire life.
Wwwwwwhenn……..
Whhhhatttttttt……..
You’ve raised your girls to be …not simply grown-ups, but adults, and from what you’ve shared with us? They’re damned good at that ‘adulting’ thing! They’ve both learned a crucial lesson…when to Deal With It, and when to call for help.
They’ve had excellent teachers
But hey, boo-boos happen, right?
So. Make sure you have the GOOD bandaids, and a spare sleeping bag in case someone needs a couch to crash on. And maybe some Pop-Tarts
Now go unplug that stupid bandsaw, and try to get some sleep
I worry. A lot. I have one daughter and she’s planning now to learn to drive and I have nightmares. I know she needs to learn in order to be safer and more self- sufficient but the thought of my baby driving on these dangerous streets is driving me to palpitations. I can only pray.
Yes I agree totally. I always worried during the teenage years and I worry even more now about my son even though he is adulting fine. I don’t think parents ever really quit worrying.
In german is a saying witch tranlates to:
Litten children – little worries,
Big children – big worries.
My daughter & boyfriend took a 5 month backpacking/bicycle trip to South America several years ago. I was a wreck while they were gone.
It doesn’t get easier because then you add the grandkids to the worry list!
So my therapist and I had this conversation recently. Turns out even she’s on an SSRI now because the last few years have put so many of us in a state of intense survival that it might help level things out while we come down from the madness of our dystopian world. I’m not telling you to medicate, just that most of us are giving ourselves a year or so to get the chemistry right again.
I worry more. I feel that they are at more risk, but in
adult ways. Money, the stress of parenthood, are they making good decision for their children and wives. I have a close relationship with my children, but I live in Ohio and my two boys and live on the west coast. We talk often, but don’t get to visit them much. I am a nurse, and still working, while my husband is now retired. I agree that covid has impacted my fears. I feel that life is so much more fragile, and precious, so this adds to my worries. As parents we never not worry, we just worry about different things.
I have 3 sons in their early 30’s. I worry more now because they don’t live with me and I can’t control what happens at all. They can get in worse trouble as adults. They are good men and I am proud of them, but I can’t stop them from getting hurt, or soothe their hurts anymore. Yes I think I worry more now. I know what’s out there. But they are adults. I have to let them make their own mistakes. But I try to be there for them no matter what.
I’m not sure the worry ever ends, it just evolves. My own mom once told me that being a parent is 24/7 for the rest of your life, if you love them you worry, even when you are proud of them and they are capable. Looking back I realize how strong she was. I went off to travel in Africa at 21 without her giving me any guilt trips, and again to Australia to do a solo long distance horse ride at 25. My dad gave me the business though, and I am pretty sure it was because he knew he would have to live with my Jewish mother for all that time, worrying like a champ. Now my own girl is 22 and I worry all the time, and struggle not to let her see. I think worry is the flip side of caring.
I’m 61. my Mom is more worried now then she was when I was a teen. Her worries have only grown as violence in the world has increased and the Internet is now recognized as a danger as well as a boon.
I used to worry more about them but I realized the worry was really about _me_ having to redefine my role in their lives and not about really about them. I worked hard to recognize that they were capable adults, we’d done our best to teach them the tools to handle the world and I needed to let them actually handle the bumps in the road as well as the victories. It’s tough to accept the decisions they make aren’t the decisions I’d make for them but they seem to be doing okay.
Absolutely…older the kid, bigger the problems…main thing is you aren’t in control and you can’t make it better…their decision…, you just listen, advise and do a lot of wishing/hoping/praying.
My mom used to say little kids little worries, big kids big worries. I worry equaly for my little kiddo , my adult kiddo, and in between kido LOL. Just different worries I guess . I also worry about what will happen when all of them grow up. Oy vey, it will never end .
Less. But we all do parenting and childing differently. You probably don’t need to worry quite so much though. But my guess is that if you weren’t worrying about them, you would find a half dozen other things to worry about. Me, I would find a new book to read or work on a knitting project. It would help some, but I would still worry about something.
Adult kids need you differently. With adult children you can’t control the situations. I pray a lot for mine, and I do the best to help then when bad things happen.
I say never stop telling them you love them. Also, when they bless you with grandchildren, it’s chocolate first! Have fun!
I worry more. I can’t see her face or hear her voice inflection via text and that is a common way we communicate now. I can’t be there in 5 minutes if there is a problem. I’m no longer in charge.
She is doing AMAZINGLY well. So grown up, so reliable, so responsible. At her age I was a bit of a train wreck. But she is still so my child.
Yes.
But, it does get easier, after ten years or so.
I am now a granny and have graduated to worrying about my daughter and her parenting… lockdown in the UK had many side-effects.
BUT, I love them and as long as nobody dies, it’s all good.
Yes?
I know, very dark, hard not to be when I lost my father and father-in-law just 4 weeks appart last year.
So, are they happy?
Within reasonable definitions – nothing truly awful from your perspective (don’t ever say it! Lol).
Worry says you care. It’s not a bad thing. Be there if they ASK, and otherwise let them get on with living their lives.
Menopause evolved because grannies help babies survive to have their own babies.
Everything else is gravy 😉
Try not to worry, it does not help. Tell them you love them,
Often,
Support their decisions, and enjoy.