From: bookdevouringhorde@ilonaverse.galaxy
To: ALL
Subject: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry
Hello,
This is Steve.
I don’t think this is an emergency, everyone is still breathing. Unfortunately, so is that weird artifact we brought back on the last Horde raid.
Before accusations start flying, I only touched it a little bit, and honestly, I think it was already doing that before I got close.
Ilona is at the Austin event, Mod R is moving house, and “someone responsible” was supposed to watch the inbox. Since I barely managed to regain access, I’m just being proactive. I have no idea who keeps changing the passwords.
Again, not an emergency, but if you are able to assist with breathing artifacts and consequences that are technically nobody’s fault, please advise.
Regards,
Steve
Acting Temporary Emergency Liaison
Book Devouring Horde
Not an emergency (probably)
The following are auto-replies translated from the Ilonaverse audio stream. Accuracy not guaranteed. Alien dialects, growling and chanting have been rendered into English for your convenience:
From: House Baylor casefiles@baylorinvestigationsagency.bia
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry
Thank you for contacting Baylor Investigative Agency.
Due to a high caseload, we are currently prioritizing active investigations, client emergencies, Prime-related incidents, and magical misconduct.
Please forward all relevant details, including names, dates, known magical abilities, House affiliations, and a brief summary of the incident.
Leon will be in touch.
From: Solentine Dagarra wecome&stabu@shears.kairtoren
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry
You should not have this address.
You should not know this route exists.
You should not use the code “BDH” in open correspondence.
I will discover who gave you this access. I will discover what you know, who you shared it with, and why your small glowing rectangle keeps asking me to accept pastries.
One of my people will come to you. You will not see them arrive. You will not know they are there.
From: frontdesk@gertrudehunt.earthinns
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry
Thank you for contacting Gertrude Hunt.
The innkeepers are currently away on urgent Baha-char business. All messages will be rerouted through First Scholar Thek, Sage of the Great Tree, and will be accompanied by an existential essay, which you may freely ignore, although you would learn a lot from it.
Gertrude Hunt will be happy to welcome you next week, when our in-house chef will be debuting the new summer menu.
From: K9-47 Bear woof@sadrinmoore.ops
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry
Automated reply generated by paw.
Ada and I are out on breach business.
If this is sadrin business, state your message after the woof and we will get back to you as soon as we’re back.
Stay away from the purple flowers.
From: Chernobog, the Dark Serpent, Ruler of the Freezing Cold gruelingfields@darkness.nav
Subject: Re: Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry
YOU HAVE REACHED THE SHADOW BENEATH THE ROOT.
THE GATES OF NAV ARE OPEN ONLY TO THE INVITED, THE DOOMED, AND THE VERY FOOLISH.
Audio stream translation error. Transcription code not prepared for the Old Magic. Please restart all devices.
Error. Old Slavonic chanting not supported.
Phizzzzzzz.
Steve would like to remind everyone that this is still not an emergency.
If an emergency does occur, I am still around in the comments and contact form, just slightly slowed down by moving boxes.
🤣🤣🤣
Moving sucks! We’ve moved multiple times when hubby was on active duty. It never gets easier, and something new always goes wrong. Good luck Mod R.
Thank you and First!
I’ve never been first before. Yay me!
Who needs to be first when you have Chihiro as your avatar?
I love this post…including that I don’t see any comments yet! (Being first must be an illusion, right?)
I love these fun posts 😂
First?
Close! Good luck moving and good luck at the event
Love it!
First?
You are truly awesome!!!
Love this! Good luck with moving!
🤣🤣🤣🤣 first?
LOL! This whole post made my day.
Hope House Andrews and Mod R survive Steve’s “help”!
+1
+1
Double check your boxes. I do believe that is prime cat distribution system territory.
OMG yes! Our first corporate move, the movers went out for lunch, leaving a few boxes unsealed. One of the cats saw a prime nap spot in the interval, and got himself sealed in.
We only noticed when he started thumping after the guys left at the end of the day.
I still have nightmares about it, thirty-odd years later.
They also packed up the baby’s diaper (nappy) pail. It was full. It had all broken down to sweet-smelling compost by the time we unpacked at the end of the summer, two months later. Hence the nightmares.
umm, are we just ignoring the fact that the Gertrude Hunt just promised us a copy of the summer menu next week?
SQUEEEE!!!
don’t think we won’t reach out to “wecome&stabu” if the promised menu is not forthcoming. promises have been made. debts must be paid.
💃🕺summer menu from the Inn!! I wonder if the are on Uber Eats?
Yes! This has me VERY intrigued. Please share Summer Menu. Pleeaasse!
The summer menu is what I took away from this post too! I blocked out the moving because of moving-PTSD.
What a fun replies from the different HA worlds. ❤️
All the best with the move!
So fun. Loved it.
And I second “wecome&stabu” should there not be a summer menu from Gertrude Hunt 😀
Not a fan of moving. This is when I realize just how many books I have . . . and that books are heavy. :-/ Hoping it’s a smooth, easy move for you, ModR.
These auto-replies are great! Yum. New summer menu. I’d honestly love to steal Solentine’s. 🙂
I’m sure everything will be fine, and Steve will totally not burn it all down.
Moving. The penalty for All The Books. But they are much easier to box, move and (eventually) unbox than the 100 gallon aquarium.
Oh Steve! 🤦♀️ Glad you’re still keeping an eye on him Mod R!
I’m so impressed you managed this post – my brain was fried after my last move!
Wait a minute – is Steve moonlighting over there at In Otter News or is it his work ethic and general approach to problem solving a universal Steve thing?
He’s gotten a stern talking to after the last incident. This is Proactive Steve.
‘Proactive Steve’… the only phrase scarier than ‘hold my beer’.
Gl w your move Mod. R! And don’t think we didn’t notice your masterful plan to distract Steve from ‘helping’ u move!
👀
I was chuckling throughout the post and commiserating on the moving blues (so many memories!) then laugh/snorted out loud when I read in the comments by Mechat:
‘Proactive Steve’… the only phrase scarier than ‘hold my beer’.
Truer words and all that! (
Thanks, Paulette! It’s always nice to b appreciated. 😺
+1
Lol . Steve now makes total and otter 🦦 sense ! 😁
Brilliant. This made me smile
lol
thank you for brightening a dark day.
Good luck with your move!
At least Steve kept it to email and didn’t request a meeting.
😂
Just a shout out to the cleverness of ModR and I want Orro’s summer menu.
+1
Yes, please!
Another delighted +1.
+1
It is a little weird that Solentine’s email is scarier than Chernobog
Cherny is actually amused 😀
Just curious did Chernobog also give you waterskiing privileges? I like that you are on nickname terms with him. Hope, Mr. Mod R isn’t jealous. LOL
Isn’t Nav more like snow all year round? As we head into heatwave temps it sounds lovely and cool.
Best of luck with the move & lots of happiness in your new abode!
Oh I love it!! this is hilarious – thank you 😁!! Sooo much fun – I’m loving all the “replies”.
BTW I am happy to help with the weird breathing artifact.. hmm ..wait a sec my OH is called Steve .. is there something I don’t know?!!!! 😂😂😂
All the best with your move *hugs!* *sends calmness*
Utterly and completely delightful.
That is all.
“ why your small glowing rectangle keeps asking me to accept pastries.”
This will be hilarious when I figure out what it means, I feel it in my insides.
You think interdimensional message delivery doesn’t come with cookies? 😉
Hahahaha, accept or reject my cookies! Or Orro’s cookies? I accept!
I admit, I had to read it 3 times before I got it, but then I laughed sooo hard! Thanks Mod R, this was great.
Wait a minute….is this Steve the Otter? I know you’re doing your best…heeheehee
Moving is horrible….thanks for all your hard work.
I am mildly disturbed by the lack of ferrets. STEVE!!! That weird artifact had better not have hurt any of the Heist Ferrets!!!!! You were supposed to watch over them!
There is also a distressing lack of kittens
+1
Check the moving boxes- both ferrets and kittens seem to often appear inside. Especially the moving boxes that r moving independently.
All I can see is the meme with the Scottish lady yelling “Steven! I thought ye was dead!” Hope the move is as easy as possible and there is tasty takeout involved. 💙
It’s not funneh I got Skoooooooool!
I grew up in the NorthEast and found this awesome “Accent Tour” to share with my Canadian friends.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0476vf1/player
Monday chaos contained by Steve 😜
Good luck with the move. And the boxes. And all the grey!
Mod R, you are absolutely brilliant. Steve, no touching! We may need a new Horde representative!
Thanks, and may the moving gods be ever in your favour, Mod R!
Good work, Steve – whatever you do, don’t push the red button!
I wanna know more about the New Summer Menu at Gertrude Hunt!
Hahahaha!
ha! excellent.
Happy moving day Mod R. Looking forward to you (possibly 🙏🏼) sharing the colour palettes you will use?
Good luck Steve 💪🏼
Speaking of Orro’s spring menu, in another universe where we get to have a Horde convention that’s just us, I would love all the book foods on the menu! Especially those delicate egg baskets Orro made. Was that “Eggs three ways?”
This was too fun, thank you and good luck moving !
I love this idea in a really big way.
Thank you, ModR, for sharing your creative spirit with us in the midst of moving! The responses are delightful! Hope your back is feeling better.
Sending sunny dry vibes to your moving endeavors!
Sending peace, health and safety to all!
wecome&stabu@shears.kairtoren 🤣 This one! Absolute gold. Well done Mod R & happy wishes for your moving.
Steve, don’t hit reply all! Oh my gosh, Solentine will have your head literally if you do that. 🤦♀️ Just hit reply when sending out specific e-mails.
At least it was an e-mail this time, unlike the last time when you decided to do a Teams chat. Oy.
Mod R, I’m in solidarity with you about moving. In about 3 months (end of September, beginning of October) I’m moving out of my apartment to somewhere else. I have about a little over two-thirds of my apartment packed already. Yes, already. I want out of my apartment so bad that I started packing the minute I decided to not renew my lease. Movers are the best thing since who knows what. Good luck with the move and all the unpacking!
I moved this spring… my movers showed up as scheduled, looked at my house, and said “nope” and left! 🤯😱😤 I screamed, cried, and then called for help. Eight friends showed up, one with a trailer, my daughter contacted a moving app, and I moved that day, and saved about $1k. I could have done without the stress, though.
Jane
Oh my gosh! Glad you were able move that day.
Brilliant as usual Mod R…thank you! Best of luck with the move. I hope it goes well! 😁
[Side question to the BDH: Who was supposed to be watching Steve??!!!]
not it!
Not me! I’m trying to stay away from Steve as much as possible. 😂
I watched him last week. Mostly.
Touches nose, not it!
Thanks for the post, moving is an experience 🙂
Snicker.
Thank you. I really needed some humor right now.
Oh Steve. Only touched it a little. 😂. Good luck with the move Mod R!
This was the best!!
🤣
I love it. Hope the move is going well.
best wishes during the move. he touched an artifact and now it’s breathing, which raid, oh Steve, who let you near the artifacts, well at least the email hasn’t been seen but hugh and kate. kate probably still moving, but Hugh might be board enough to come…
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣Good luck, all! may this week not be chaotic!
Oh Steve.
New summer menu?!?!?!
Is my BDH membership cancelled if I don’t know who Steve is? Love this though and good luck with the move Mod R
Your membership is safe 😀
Steve is of course, another brilliant Ilona creation!
Here is his origin story: https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/fandom-tea-party-2/
Steve has been on a few lesser adventures since, because he makes a beautiful scapegoat 😀 . Maybe I should create a Chronicles of Steve page somewhere hehe.
https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/555-rumors/
https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/mission-nav-possible/
https://ilona-andrews.com/blog/we-got-mail/
Many thanks ModR, as always! Best wishes for a speedy and happy Move (if anyone could make that happen it would be you!)
You should definitely create a special page just for Steve! He’s bound to get into much more trouble and organizing all of those HR issues necessitates a contained category of chaos.
Ooh more fun stuff to devour!!!! thank you for the links, Mod R you’re the bestest!
*chomp chomp* yum!!! yes please to “The Chronicles of Steve” 😁😁😁
Ooo, there should definitely be a Steve chronicles page (after the move)! Best of luck with the move and settling into the new place.
YESSSSS and PLEAZZZ!!!!!!
When I moved 30+ yrs ago I said never again. So my hugs and sympathy go out to you.
Welp time to mine lol Steeeve
ewww moving! good luck Mod R
Thanks so much for the Monday funny! Hope the moving is going as well as an be expected🤪🤞
He he, I wonder what the reply would be from our favorite wizard in Atlanta? 😀
A possible out of office message:
From: wizardsrus@biohazardatlanta.us
I am out of the office dealing with all sorts of magic crap popping out all over the area. If this is an emergency, contact the Biohazard hotline. If this is not an emergency, be gone ye unfortunates!
You’re assuming that tech is up! That’s probably why Luther and the others didn’t respond.
Did anyone look into the Phone-A-Fire?
: )
If Phone-A-Fire is used, they might get the wrong number like Kate did in Magic Triumphs. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
They could just scream at the top of their lungs if the phone doesn’t work for them. 😉
An add on to the above message:
If you cannot get through to the Biohazard hotline using the phone, you will have to wait until the tech is back up. If this is not an option, either go to the Biohazard building or find a friend to make a fire.
Good one ! 😀
I hope you’ve received a respectable number of useable decor and design tips! I got lost in looking for them…about 3 hours worth of lost. Still didn’t think that any of them were just right…so congratulations and good luck!
Love this!!!!
Did you know you can laugh 6 different ways and I think I did all 6 reading this. T
Thanks!
We’re all gonna land in another mandatory training session because of Steve, I just know it. Who gave him the passwords?
Not me. I don’t have the access to even think about giving Steve passwords. 😁
The Horde shouts, “Nooooo, not another mandatory meeting!” 🤣🤣🤣
Whatever day the meeting is I have an emergency dental appointment. Just let me know 😉
Who left Steve in control????
Good luck with the move ModR!
Oh Steve, don’t keep touching it!
Thanks for keeping us entertained ModR!
That was fun!
Thanks 😁
The only good thing about moving is getting to reorganise your bookshelves from scratch.
And let’s face it, for the horde, even in the digital age, that’s a Herculean labour of love – favourite authors need multiple editions; there’s the collectible related books (my discworld memorabilia be insane 😜); there’s all the pre-kindle fiction books for us, ahem, more mature readers (and some of it still isn’t available in ebook- the horror!😔); there’s the other books – I’ve got an “antique” (old books lol, I wish they were full on fancy 1st editions) book collection ‘cos, mmm, interesting and smells lovely and mine! 😉; I like my non-fiction physical, many are hugely oversized too, (thanks publishers😜) so don’t fit shelves well and it just goes on.
I imagine all us BDH are bibliophiles to various extents so it’s similar, but I’m actually giving myself nightmares and I’m not even moving so I’ll stop.
But I might try organising some of my shelves about a tad.
Maybe.
Or at the very least the big piles that have accumulated.
Or I’ll just open a few of my old book boxes and admire them and wish I was a millionaire and basically make more mess. . .
Ok, now I want to see everyone’s home library pics to share!
My favourite quote is Cicero’s “A room without books is like a body without a soul” and I have definitely lived by it. Maybe too much.
Twenty years ago my shelves started mostly alphabetical and somewhat accessible and I’d have revealed them without embarrassment, but somehow, like magic, more books (and shelves) appeared and totally screwed up my system.
Now I have eleven Ikea tall & wide billy shelves that are crammed and not at all pretty, piles on tables, bedsides, boxes underbed, packed in kitchen cabinets (I’d like to say they’re at least cookery books but I’d be lying), a bookshelf in the bathroom (don’t ask) and boxes in the linen closet because I don’t need that much linen. Oh and some boxes in the meter cupboard (annual check is a logistical nightmare). And even at my mum’s because I spend a lot of time there and she’s also a book lover so I can finagle it a bit.
I have got better with age and I’m very digital now. . . for fiction.
Mostly.
But yeah, I’m not revealing the mess I live in!
#booklife #sorrynotsorry
That sounds like what my mom used to have when she was alive. I always told her we could have a mini library since she had so many books. I still have older books with original covers. However, my book collection is mainly on my Nook these days. 😊
I’m single and have no dependents so am able to accommodate my collection(s) – which is fortunate because I can’t bring myself to get rid of any of my books!
But even so I am buying considerably less physical formats these days (while buying considerably more fiction than fourteen years ago pre-kindle – bless all those freebies, cheap sale offers and box sets; not to mention the fact you can just hold so many books at one go in your hand and never leave your chair or sprain your wrist with a military space opera Hb (iykyk)).
Wait, so did it phizz before or after sending it to Maud? Just wondering if Helen will be observing the ripper cushions.
Good to know Steve is still alive, and I personally would love a set of Steve short stories as either an anthology or an appendix whenever either our beloved authors or Mod R come up for air. Or even adding it to the free fiction section when a tiny hit is needed.
I hope the move is not too exhausting and the amazing middle book wind up is as painless as possible.
Just a little something to brighten my day as I try to figure out what I am reacting with a histamine response.
Ah the ever surprising: what the heck am I allergic to NOW?!? Good times… sending soothing, benedryl infused energy your way. (Virtual hugs cause no hives)
Hey Steve, sorry you’re having breathing artifact problems. I recommend starting by poking it with a stick. Next try translating any writing or symbols (or at least narrowing down geography, time period, or religion). If all else fails, after meticulously recording its current condition, you can try to chip a small piece off to run tests on. Best of luck!
+1 poking it with a stick, if you haven’t tried that yet. For science. And running away after, for proper safety proceedure.
I’m not sure about rebooting a breathing artifact, maybe try that later.
Thank You for this shiny drop of joyful delight!❤️
This was a very hilarious and pleasurable read first thing in the morning!
loved this. longing for more ada. more bear.
Me, too, Carla!
+1000
Thank you for the morning chuckle. This post was awesome!
HA, I hope you had a great time in Austin.
ModR, good luck and best wishes with the move! As a daughter of, and spouse of active duty military (now retired), moving was a constant state of mind, but it does end at some point.
I really loved inheritance…and maggie …and Wilmington….and innkeeper…and silver shark….and fated blades…. and snuffles…. it would be e awesome if they released all the books we the BDH know HA is hiding from us…. oh and Julie and more elara is needed and hugh stalking his wife.
GROOT! Quit bothering the inkeepers!
So good! I wish all Olesard had replied from the inn!
I moved in my first half + of live rather often, for me it helped to pack into smaller portions, as in wayyy smaller than the usual moving boxes (collected them, also asked at supermarkets… if I can have some again and again, many packing tapes needed), and to write down what is in it + in larger letters into which room it belongs to.
The big ones are often way too heavy and I think items break more often in them, as e.g. boxes fell or… bcs they were so big.
A lot of packing material to stiffen out the edges (towels, duvet covers are great) …
Some tools, extension cables, toilet paper, towel/soap, light… at hand, also some water/… and energy-full snacks, knife to break down the boxes, ruler, marker…
Best of luck, and no damaged backs, fingers, ankles!
Awesome! Thank you and good luck!
Best out of office reply ever!
YES!!!! I agree! 💯
An unsupervised Steve with password access? Let’s hope the mailbox survives…
Good luck with the move Mod R！As someone who just moved house 4 days ago and is still navigating walls of boxes, I send much sympathy and wishes for a smooth move!
I hereby invite god of darkness to Velehrad, Moravia, Czech republic. We support the Old Slavonic chanting.
P.S. We are impatiently waiting for Orro’s new menu.
LOVEEE that you included The Inheritance! I love re-reading that when I don’t have time for a Maggie Re-read 🙂 <3
😊🫶🤞
Is it just me, or does it feel like Kate would enjoy a distraction from rebuilding/renovation and wade into the “emergency”?
Thank you for a good morning laugh! Love it!
I want to be there with popcorn when Leon and a Shear collide…..
Ha ha ha ha ha! I love this! Thanks for sending.
ModR, I hope your move is going well!
Oh Steve! 😆
Thanks Mod R and good luck with the move!
I will most likely be moving at the end of the summer…😔 I hate moving with the passion of a thousand fiery suns…
I will reread this post when i do.
I hope all goes well in between boxes Mod R!
I love this post!
This gave me a good giggle and I needed it, big time! TY!
Steve, I have a glass enclosed application to Barnes and Noble mounted in the ICU nurses’ break room with instructions to ; “Break In Case of an Emergency “. I will send it to you. I think you may need it more than us.
Thank you for the fun post.
Whoa! What a hoot! Thanks for the laughs!
Love It! Go Steve! 🙂
and thanks for the funnies.
Maybe Puffles could help Steve?
Oh my WORD!!! This was just too wonderful! 😂🤣 Loved it! Best part?
Accept PASTRIES! 🤣😂🤣
Ha ha, thanks for the laugh! Good luck with the move!
I would like to point out that Completely Hypothetical Assistance Inquiry can be abbreviated as CHAI and turn into a tea conversation.
Thanks for taking my mind off the hospital not telling me they charge (how much!!!) for a simple outpatient service.
Love this post, especially a certain person whose email should not be known. Very stubby scary. <3
Uggg, stabby, not stubby.
Dear Steve,
Thank you for proactively reaching out. Unfortunately, we are having a bit of a week, and the BDH is suffering book withdrawal. Or possibly stomach ache. Or both. (Just finished another TKWNK re-read, myself. Cliffhangers, gahh.)
Regardless, in this time of trial, we can refer you to our new bywords:
Survive, get paid.
(They are paying you, right, Steve? You have health benefits? Now might be a good time to recite them…)
We stand behind you!
Regards,
the trailing half of the BDH
😂😂😂
Loved it – pretty sure our favorite volvh will help. A breathing artifact – just a boring Tuesday to him 😎
All the best for the move!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Well at least we know all entries have been contacted and will respond…maybe! 😂
Have fun in Austin and wishing ModR good luck on getting moved to your new abode.
Oh my stars!! This is great! Thanks, Mod R. Good luck with the
self-propagating boxes. (I swear they do that!)
Steve I knew this would happen. Every time you are to take over something like this happens! We should know better by now! Now I have nowhere to turn with my problem. Could you please give me the code or password for the door to BaHa Char? I have urgent family business to discuss with Dina, et al. I must contact them regarding the…
BDH, can you feel me? Lol.